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Original poster

Mum criticising my lack of social life when she never allowed me to have one as a teenager

40 replies

RedRosesForMe · 08/09/2021 22:07

I had a great childhood, but my mum really struggled with me after 12.
Very little was ever banned, but everything was belittled and judged, so that I felt like I didn't to go on a date or try wearing make up. Even now I feel so conscious if I dare put on a pair of shorts.

The only thing that was ever banned was renting. She has the most enormous chip on her shoulder about paying rent, not a mortgage, and so I was never able to move out at uni.

I couldn't even go and properly enjoy nights out because she would insist on picking me up.

I finally managed to move out at 25, but that coincided with most of my friends starting to settle down and so I am finding it difficult to socialise.

Every time she phones me she says 'no plans for the weekend? why not?' or if I do have plans, she gets ridiculously excited and makes a huge deal of it.

I feel like yelling BECAUSE OF YOU at times...

OP posts:
SnatchCassidy · 08/09/2021 22:11

How old are you now? You're not a teen-ager now and are personally responsible for your own life now as an adult, so the fact you have no social life now won't be because you're mum didn't let you have one as a teen-ager. It's because you're choosing not to have one now. Try to separate past from present, they are two different things.

SeriouslyISuppose · 08/09/2021 22:15

@SnatchCassidy

How old are you now? You're not a teen-ager now and are personally responsible for your own life now as an adult, so the fact you have no social life now won't be because you're mum didn't let you have one as a teen-ager. It's because you're choosing not to have one now. Try to separate past from present, they are two different things.
This. Honestly, OP, I get irritation with parents, having just spent a week staying with mine and turning back into a 40something grumpy teenager, and my mother is friendless and has very odd, people-pleasing ideas about friendships,, but you are no longer a teenager living at home, and your parents can’t be blamed for your lack of social life now. You can move beyond those scripts.
Original poster
RedRosesForMe · 08/09/2021 22:18
  1. TBH, I'm ok with my social life. It's more why she keeps criticising me for acting the way she brought me up!
OP posts:
PearlyRising · 08/09/2021 22:19

Well I don't care what age you are now, I sympathise. My mother told me how I felt, controlled me with approval and disapproval, got angry with me if I was sad or had my own perspective, and yet, and yet!! I was a disappointment to her that I didn't turn out more confident and successful and never had a solid relationship.

PearlyRising · 08/09/2021 22:21

@RedRosesForMe

26. TBH, I'm ok with my social life. It's more why she keeps criticising me for acting the way she brought me up!
This is so common and you're fortunate that you SEE this inconsistency in her logic so young. You're only 26. I only started piecing together the dysfunction family dynamics in my early 40s. I did know that I felt anxious, inadequate and scared of risk.
ShepherdessBoink · 08/09/2021 22:21

My relationship with my mum was not good and it impacted me for most of my 20s and 30s. Only now at nearly 40 and her in poor mental state have I finally let go.

OP might not have as much social confidence as she'd like.
I'd start doing more of whatever you enjoy, make new friends, try new hobbies, reach out through work or other communities. Friends who have settled down can still be friends too, even if not as frequent meet ups. I didn't have much weekend plans in 20s (happily resting from manic weekdays, curled up with a book) and I don't think youth has to be defined by crazy weekends.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 08/09/2021 22:31

I don't believe she is responsible for the current lull in your social life. Many of us who didn't settle down in our 20s went through the phase you are describing, and the solution is to widen your social network to include more people who still want to go out and do stuff.

However your DM sounds like a pain, and every time she starts picking at your social life I would end the call immediately (Oh. There is someone at the door. Talk to you next week). And then every time she makes "lighthearted" reference to you being touchy, do the same thing, until she stops.

Original poster
RedRosesForMe · 08/09/2021 22:44

I’m trying to untangle all of the lines of responsibility but it’s tricky. Lots of what-ifs too.

OP posts:
WhoIsPepeSilva · 09/09/2021 01:41

What would she do if you answered her with a question about her plans for the weekend?

unruly336 · 09/09/2021 01:49

Did we have the same mother??? I had a really similar experience, however I managed to move out as I simply couldn’t take it. How I’ve dealt with similar comments is to say exactly what I was thinking which was to tell her she was the reason or ask her why she didn’t have plans herself. I’m probably not very helpful but you’re not alone OP.

Sakurami · 09/09/2021 05:51

Hi op. If you're happy with your life then it doesn't matter what your mum or anyone else thinks. There is no universal right way, just what is right for you.

Some parents are too pushy and their validation or disapproval does affect us. I was encouraged to settle down and have kids in my late 20s. Didnt happen until my 30s. Then I had too many kids. Then it was about being a sahm and yada yada. I know it comes from a good place but jeez, it's not like I could even control a lot of that anyway, because it wasn't just up to me. Even now in my 50s I don't tell them the pro bono work that I'm doing because they think that I should only work to make money for me (which I also do, but I am passionate about my pro bono work and I know that it is really helping the cause).

nicecheesegromit · 09/09/2021 06:06

I think it's still really tough for people coming out the pandemic trying to restart a social life or hobbies. Things start up again then stall, people back out of plans because they are still nervous. I would say all of this to your mum then ask her to back off a bit. Ignore the past. You just want her to stop grilling you on it and you need space and time to find your feet.

category12 · 09/09/2021 06:10

You need to tell her less and only what she'll find difficult to twist. And probably have less contact with her overall.

She's not a supportive mum, she's over-critical and toxic, and you need to treat her with caution. Which is sad and unfair, but she is who she is. You cannot please her, so just limit what she knows.

You kind of need to view the relationship like handling nettles.

Stircraazy · 09/09/2021 06:19

I feel like yelling BECAUSE OF YOU at times...

Well maybe do that. Or at least explain your thoughts - that should stop her bringing it up all the time.

Something probably happened to her as a teen and she transferred the fears to trying to control your teen years.

And you could just say stop asking about my social life - it's nothing to do with you.

Immunetypegoblin · 09/09/2021 06:37

I had the same mother OP - I thoroughly internalised the message that I was inadequate and useless, so was very unconfident. This persisted. She spent a large number of my adult years gently telling me (with her best mummy face on) to be more confident. This enraged me a little, as you might imagine.

I did get past it in the end - met someone nice online dating, got married, had DC. But still, the internal message that I am no good as a default is there. Its hard not to listen to it.

Iggly · 09/09/2021 06:39

Maybe reduce contact with your mum. Why speak to her so often? Do you feel obliged? Slowly reduce it and life will be better.

Dozer · 09/09/2021 06:39

Suggest the reading on the Stately Homes threads (relationships section). And limiting contact and information you share with your mother.

onelittlefrog · 09/09/2021 06:41

Have you ever had counselling, OP? It could help you to work through some of the resentment you feel

Goldbar · 09/09/2021 06:52

I sympathise. Not quite your situation, but we lived rurally when I was a child, which was a nightmare for having a social life especially as driving lessons weren't an option due to the cost. I did however get to leave for uni. I was socially immature and lacked confidence compared to my peers but found my feet in the end and made some great friends who I still see today. I would have hated spending those years still living at home.

At least my parents realised it was a bit shit and were supportive. And they never criticised me for being who I was. In your case, your mum sounds toxic and oblivious. Yes, you're an adult and responsible for your own social life now but it is idiotic to pretend that childhood and teen years don't have a big impact on us that lasts into adulthood. Social skills and social confidence are learned from childhood.

My advice would be to think hard about what YOU want and disregard your mother's interference. If you're happy with your life and in yourself, just crack on with doing what you want. If actually you would like a busier social life and more social contact, then start thinking about ways of meeting people and making friends locally (which I know is easy to suggest and hard to do, but will be worth it in the end).

nc8766 · 09/09/2021 06:58

Definitely time to reduce contact with your mum.

My own mum struggled with me after the age of 12/13ish. She was incredibly controlling. I moved several countries away from her and life is much happier.

Tiramiwho · 09/09/2021 06:58

@WhoIsPepeSilva

What would she do if you answered her with a question about her plans for the weekend?
This is an excellent idea. Turn it right back on her. You are both independent adults now. She's going to have to learn to see you as one, or keep her own councilHmm
RantyAunty · 09/09/2021 07:26

I agree with talking to her less.

Try to remind yourself that her judgmental attitude has zero to do with you and everything to do with her.

I'd be tempted to tell her the most bizarre outlandish things you did at the weekend a few times. Make it over the top like a movie script.
doing firewalking with poi balls, busking as a living statue, etc.

Then hang up and have a little chuckle to yourself and enjoy the rest of your weekend. Grin

JustGiveMeGin · 09/09/2021 07:39

Oh god, you are me 12 years ago (except I didn't go to uni and I had kids instead) my mum was the same with makeup and I didn't wear a top without full sleeves until I was 20Blush That's a lot of very sweaty summers!
You are 26, you are old enough to be a mother yourself if you so choose. Next time your mother asks completely blank her. Move the conversation on to something else. Do this everytime she queries your plans/lack of plans. Then when she asks why you are doing it you can tell her calmly that she is making you uncomfortable with the comments she makes. It sounds less dramatic than shouting BECAUSE OF YOU But has the same effect!

PearlyRising · 09/09/2021 07:47

My mum raised me to put my own needs last, not to feel i had the right to a perspective, never to challenge her rosy perception of herself... you can imagine the effect that had on me. I remember one bf who didnt want to get married and i tolerated it meekly and she was furious with me.

She couldnt join up the dots there at all.

MoreAloneTime · 09/09/2021 07:48

Honestly I'd limit what I told her as it sounds like she uses these things against you. You are an adult and don't owe it to her to tell her everything about your life.

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