Mum criticising my lack of social life when she never allowed me to have one as a teenager

[RedRosesForMe]

I had a great childhood, but my mum really struggled with me after 12.
Very little was ever banned, but everything was belittled and judged, so that I felt like I didn't to go on a date or try wearing make up. Even now I feel so conscious if I dare put on a pair of shorts.

The only thing that was ever banned was renting. She has the most enormous chip on her shoulder about paying rent, not a mortgage, and so I was never able to move out at uni.

I couldn't even go and properly enjoy nights out because she would insist on picking me up.

I finally managed to move out at 25, but that coincided with most of my friends starting to settle down and so I am finding it difficult to socialise.

Every time she phones me she says 'no plans for the weekend? why not?' or if I do have plans, she gets ridiculously excited and makes a huge deal of it.

I feel like yelling BECAUSE OF YOU at times...

As a pp has said, you’ve worked out the relationship between your mum’s attitudes and some of your difficulties - at 26. Some of us don’t get there until much later. Quite clearly, your mum has projected a lot of her own problems and anxieties onto you and it could be that her own 20s were a bit lonely hence fixating on your social life. If resentment is getting in the way of your relationship with her, then some counselling could be helpful. It seems you’re at the stage of separating from your mum and being yourself. If you think it would work (rather than send her into a spiral of worry) some light-hearted ‘plans’ for your weekend might be useful to tell her when she asks: pole dancing classes, joining a religious cult, kayaking in the rapids (so you live in a city, I’m sure there are canals to go kayaking on). You get the picture. If a bit of humour gets the ‘none of your business, mum’ message across without offence, it’s worth a try.

Be vague. "I am free Saturday morning if you want to meet for a coffee"
"I am busy this weekend"
" just hanging out"
Don't tell her about your plans for the weekend, she will stop asking eventually.

Op your mother sounds incredibly controlling and critical of you, and this is unlikely to change any time soon.

And although her comments do not seem overly damaging, the drip drip effect will erode your confidence and self esteem over time, if it hasn't already.

You need to start protecting yourself by going low contact. If you must speak to her, do so very briefly, tell her you are going out soon and just checking in. If she asks tell her you are busy enjoying yourself (she doesn't need to know details) I would stick to the weather, last news and current affairs and stop sharing personal information, she is likely to weaponise anything you tell her.

A phone call (5 mins) talk about the weather, once a week and live your own life the way you want to, without her meddling and being spiteful. You will feel much happier and freer - you owe her nothing. This is your life not hers, and you don't need to justify anything you do.

I couldn't even go and properly enjoy nights out because she would insist on picking me up.

You poor thing! How did you survive?

@WaltzingToWalsingham

I couldn't even go and properly enjoy nights out because she would insist on picking me up.

You poor thing! How did you survive?

Can you really not see how intrusive it is to have your mum insist on inserting herself into your social scene, however briefly? My mother did this, expressly out of nosiness. I hated it so much!

I suspect you still cow to your mother like you did when you were a child. You are not a child anymore, and you need to stop allowing her to control your life. If she has a tantrum, let her. She can do that on her own time, not yours. Cut the cord and live your life without her judgment and interference.

Your friends settle down at 25? V unusual if you have all been to uni.

Either this isn't quite true, and you're just struggling to socialise generally or you need some new friends who are at the same stage of life as you.

What trumpisagit said. Just say 'oh you know, the same old' and change the subject.

@WaltzingToWalsingham

I couldn't even go and properly enjoy nights out because she would insist on picking me up.

You poor thing! How did you survive?

How incredibly rude and unkind. It's controlling behaviour to insist on picking up a teenager who is trying to build a social life and gain independence.

Q: What are your plans for this weekend?
A: This and that. The weather's been great, hasn't it?
Q: Are you going out?
A: Maybe. Did you know that there's a sale on at the shoe shop?
Q: Going anywhere nice?
A: Same as usual. Have you seen much of Uncle Kevin lately?
Q: Who are you going out with?
A: Ooh, there's a robin in the garden! Well, it's been lovely chatting, have a great evening, byeeee.

I sympathise with the OP, if you aren't encouraged to nurture relationships and be a part of a social circle as a child/ teenager then it's really hard to learn how to do that as an adult!

My home lift was awful growing up and was never allowed friends home, and now I don't have any meaningful friendships as an adult as a result because I find it hard to build these relationships as I've had no practice!

@abiabib123

I sympathise with the OP, if you aren't encouraged to nurture relationships and be a part of a social circle as a child/ teenager then it's really hard to learn how to do that as an adult!

My home lift was awful growing up and was never allowed friends home, and now I don't have any meaningful friendships as an adult as a result because I find it hard to build these relationships as I've had no practice!

I absolutely sympathise, as I have two parents who don’t have any friends at all, are completely unable to function socially, and gave me some odd, toxic and unhelpful ideas about friendships growing up — but I think in adulthood, you can’t continue to blame your parents for their early training , and it’s your own responsibility to change your thinking and develop basic social skills.

There's a balance between blaming your parents and acknowledging that not being fully socialized growing up can lead to struggles with it as an adult.

It's something I can relate to. My parents didn't act out of malice, they are very introverted and don't need any socialisation themselves. I was never banned from it but I never saw healthy positive friendship modelled. They rarely had guests, didn't interact with neighbours and didn't get on with relatives.

Wasn't their fault I'm one of those people who needs a lot of guidance with social skills. Nor was it their fault that they grew up in a era of kids playing out and being able to form relationships with other adults independently from parents (both a good and bad thing) and I didn't.

I don't blame them but the consequences have been real.

Adult social skills can be learned and I think it's a case of trial and error to see what things work for you. It can be hard work though.

My mum irritates me but it’s because she has her expectations and values and they are not the same as me. In fact we are very different and she is also a very critical person.

Stop blaming your mum about what you perceive as not right in your life. My brother does that and I think it is so wrong. You are 26 now. Just tell her that you are happy to stay in. It sounds like she really cares about you and she wants you to thrive and have a good time (including social live).

Back to when you were a teen and she insisted on picking you up. That was because she was worried. I came to realise a lot of things as my children grow older. I can see more why my parents have done things,

Hopefully as you grow older you can start growing more independent and continue to evolve that relationship with your mum.

By the way I struggle socially, just like my mum, but then I don’t think it’s useful to blame her. She can’t help it herself.