Partner with long term mental illness

[ChickenNameChange]

Can anyone else share how they deal with things when their partner is mentally ill long-term?
Been with DH over 20 years, he suffers with OCD and has had bad times over the years which were a massive struggle to get through but we did and he's been 'ok' for a long time but Covid has led to a complete crash in his mental health.
I say 'ok' because I think he is constantly preoccupied with OCD related thoughts even when 'well' and it kind of clouds everything from activities we do, time out with the kids, holidays, evenings out, the whole of family life.....I think I have got so used to being mentally alert to things that trigger him that I avoid them, compensate for them or become alarmed and on high alert without even realising it. I'm never fully relaxed when I am with him... I'm almost waiting for the next trigger to spoil any enjoyment. I have a lot more fun when with friends or alone with the kids.
This latest illness period has gone on for so many months with small improvement but not to the point where he is 'well'. I am so torn between being supportive and loving and being furious with him and the impact on our lives. Sometimes I wish I'd never married him.
I can't help him however much I say the 'right things'. He has to help himself by following the strategies that he has been taught rather than the compulsions.
He often gets angry and says hurtful things to me if I try to shine a mirror on things and even give him an inkling of the impact that he has.
I can't be honest about how I feel about our relationship as I get comments akin to 'you've made you bed, you need to lie in it' or I am an awful person for feeling resentful as he is ill and can't help it.
He knows just the buttons to press to upset me and make me feel like I am the unreasonable one and not being how a loving partner should be. It should all be about the impact on him as he is the ill one and at the moment, he has other serious issues to deal with too.
I'm so confused, am I a bad person? Should I just put up with this kind of life? These thoughts make me feel like such a bad, selfish person.
I need some light-hearted fun in my life ....and some physical closeness too.
I'm not wanting to be told the Mumsnet response of 'leave him'. I want a perspective on how other people deal with this situation. I'm a bit scared of the responses you might give me - I feel like such a bad person at the moment.
I have missed out all the positive things so you are only getting one side of this situation ..... There are positives.
I even changed my username as I am scared and might just skulk away but I've been on Mumsnet 16yrs hiding this.

That sounds incredibly hard. I have no advice. The only way to change your circumstances is to leave him which you don’t want to do. Your relationship dynamic is not going to change after twenty years together.

Have you tried couple counselling?

This sounds really hard OP

What would you like him to do to make things better for you?

In your post you seem accepting of his illness (and have been of great support to him over 16 long years) but perhaps not the way he treats you. I

He often gets angry and says hurtful things to me if I try to shine a mirror on things and even give him an inkling of the impact that he has.

I can't be honest about how I feel about our relationship as I get comments akin to 'you've made you bed, you need to lie in it'

He knows just the buttons to press to upset me and make me feel like I am the unreasonable one and not being how a loving partner should be.

Given that you have internalised these narratives, I wonder if it would help you to hear my natural reaction when I reached this part of your post?

I physically recoiled in shock at how he is treating you and the word "whoa" went through my mind. Then I sat here feeling confused thinking "what on earth?" and went back to the top because it didn't make sense. It still doesn't make sense but I needed to read it a second time because it was shocking.

There are two separate issues here: the impact of his mental illness, and the choices he makes in how he treats you.

The mental illness comes with triggers outside his control and difficulties he has to manage. It also brings limitations for your joint life.

He still has the capacity to weigh up and evaluate information about how he chooses to treat you.

If this were just about managing a long term illness then we could talk about respite options, about carer support for you, and so on.

But he's also choosing to use you as an emotional punching bag and that is totally unacceptable. That's not something we can coach you on how to tolerate or fix because it is a choice he is making and not something that ever won't hurt you - it's clearly intended to hurt you.

It is entirely possible to live with long term mental illness without seeking to hurt and emotionally manipulate your spouse. Of course there are positives - there are positives in even the most barbaric of situations - but they don't make his behaviour acceptable.

thefourgp, I want to but he won't until he's feeling better ...... whenever that may be.

To explicitly answer your questions:

No, you are not a bad person.

No, I do not believe you should have to put up with living like this.

I think I have got so used to being mentally alert to things that trigger him that I avoid them, compensate for them or become alarmed and on high alert without even realising it. I'm never fully relaxed when I am with him... I'm almost waiting for the next trigger to spoil any enjoyment.

I dread to think what your (and your children's) cortisol levels are like after years spent in this state, but I doubt it is doing your health any good.

On top of his OCD he's being emotionally abusive towards you. That's mot a symptom of OCD or any mental illness.

This is abusive:

"He often gets angry and says hurtful things to me if I try to shine a mirror on things and even give him an inkling of the impact that he has.

I can't be honest about how I feel about our relationship as I get comments akin to 'you've made you bed, you need to lie in it'

He knows just the buttons to press to upset me and make me feel like I am the unreasonable one and not being how a loving partner should be."

You are not a bad person. You're in a very hatd situation. Please be kind to yourself. You deserve more than this.

@ChickenNameChange

thefourgp, I want to but he won't until he's feeling better ...... whenever that may be.

Do you think he would engage constructively and collaboratively in joint therapy, or do you think he would use it to continue blaming you and trying to get the therapist to agree with him?

Have you had therapy on your own? It might be more beneficial to you right now.

On top of his OCD he's being emotionally abusive towards you. That's mot a symptom of OCD or any mental illness.

I completely agree.

Re-reading my post I can see I didn't state this, but I was certainly thinking it and responding with it in mind.

It's hard to hear that some of you say he is being emotionally abusive; that's what it feels like but I tell myself I am being too harsh on him as he's unwell and maybe I'm being self centered.
I want couples counseling because I think a third person might be able to decipher what's going on and I will be able to say things with a witness to tell me who is unreasonable.
Maybe that's why he doesn't want it. He always realises after (next day when he's calmed down) that he's overstepped the mark and apologies but it never goes anywhere.
I have recently seen someone for a few sessions but that was mostly focused on me and not on my marriage.

I felt really sad reading your post, OP. The fact that he is casting a cloud over your entire family is inexcusable, mentally ill or not, sorry.

You don't have to give up the chance of a happy content life for him, you know. Life's too short to look back in 10 years and say WTF did I stay for....

Re leaving:
If a person was married to someone who then developed a life limiting illness that put limits on things and their partner left them, they would be considered an awful person.
How is this different?

Why do you care so much what other people think of you?

@ChickenNameChange

Re leaving: If a person was married to someone who then developed a life limiting illness that put limits on things and their partner left them, they would be considered an awful person. How is this different?

It's different because he's emotionally abusing you.

This must surely be affecting the children too, constantly being on egg shells, not being able to do things.

Is it not possible that he has OCD and that he is also a complete dick? Having a mental illness does not excuse treating your partner in a way that makes your life so intolerable.

I appreciate that you don’t want the community to say leave him - but is that just why you’ve not asked them yet and why you’re scared of the answers? No ones going to say you’re a bad person.
As for what other people do in a similar situation - same as you except set boundaries two decades ago about how you expect to be treated and then act upon it when they’re not.
You know what you need to do but you’re perhaps just not quite ready to hear it.

Find out where your boundaries are before you consider his needs. It will really give you confidence to define an environment that works for you.

I have a long term mental illness, been in hospital and in and out of treatment for a decade. I have never taken my MH out on my partner but he has said to me that he didn't know if he could stay if I became seriously unwell again. It hurt but I 100% understand his position. It's hard for me but it many ways it's harder for him. That is a perfectly acceptable thing for him to have said, it's a perfectly acceptable boundary. I truly believe he would have gone through it as well. I have since put all my energy into staying well (with some small relapses). I am pro-active when managing my condition for my sake and his. He sees me doing absolutely everything I can (taking medication, having therapy, eating well, exercising, going to support groups, calling my GP etc). My partner seeing me doing all of these things limits his resentment, he sees all the energy I spend on keeping well so if I'm in a small relapse he can still feel empathy for me. I am continually trying to improve my situation but I have never taken it out on him.

It's possible that the OCD is a smokescreen for a sense of entitlement that he can take his frustration and anger out on you. That's an abusive mentality. Someone who cared for you, who knew their condition affected you deeply would seek help, reduce their behaviour and make steps to repair the damage caused. Is he doing any of that? If he isn't, do you think he's capable? How long are you willing to wait?

Personal therapy I think we help you greatly to work out how you feel and to have some self compassion. I hear how hard things are for you right now. You matter too.

You say that his OCD related thoughts cloud everything you do, but it's not clear (to me at least) exactly what that means - what happens, practically speaking, that is so difficult. Could you give some examples?

I don't think that you have a responsibility to care for anyone beyond capacity.

I say that as someone who has OCD. But bear in mind that it's not a case of him not helping himself, OCD is extremely debilitating and difficult to treat. I struggled daily for 10 years before things resolved for me, and nothing I did ever helped before then. But having said that, if you feel that you're giving beyond capacity, there's no reason why you can't walk away.

It is never self-centred to want a life of your own choosing.

He doesn’t have a life limiting illness though op that’s what makes it different, and he’s offensive and abusive to you. Are you of the opinion when he says these things to you that it is part of his illness? And not just he’s abusing you because he can?

@ChickenNameChange
I have no advice really but wanted to say thanks for sharing. I really needed to see this tonight.( I've name changed as outing with my other posts ). It is really really tough and those judging clearly don't realise the toll this is having on you so they shouldn't.
My DW is Autistic (as is our DS). Been together 15 years. There is an overlap between OCD and autism. Has he ever been assessed? Not that it will improve situation for you but it would explain his anger and control issues.
My DW is a lovely amazing person but is a terrible partner. She has no empathy really. I've realised its due to theory of mind. She cannot put herself in another person's shoes at all. Even if it's a familiar scenario. Once I noticed it it was very obvious and the difficulties we've had for at least 5 years but more like 10 were explainable. But they don't take away how lonely they make my life. She has also lent on me heavily with issues such as anxiety and stress but I can't lean on her. When I have needed to she's unravelled. Eventually this does become too much to bare alone. Especially as its a largely 1 way street. This week's she's been worrying about a presentation she has to do for work and has spent no time with the DC one has started a new school. So its not just me it impacts. Like you, if I challenge anything I get told I'm attacking and I'm this and that. Its made me very angry. Yes Autistic people can make great partners (before people pile in and I know a lot of Autistic adults and they are great friends) but you need a wider support network too with a partner like mine. Sadly I've been a regular on the 'stately homes thread' and I'm LC with my parents as my DM is also suspected Autistic and has never been able to provide emotional support to me and has other issues. This is one reason why I didn't question my DWs behaviour until recently. Been conditioned from childhood. But who wants a lifetime of limited physical contact?. I totally understand where you are coming from. If I put up with this then we can carry on happily. And its my fault I'm upset because she can't see her behaviour as its perfectly rational to her and perhaps an outsider. But its not normal to walk away when someone is crying about a bad incident and then never mention it again for example. It does come across as uncaring but its an autism trait. Most people understand that sometimes when people say 'go away' or they don't want to talk about it they don't mean leave and never ask.
Unfortunately after trying and trying we are about to start separation as each argument it gets worse and every behaviour is grating my last nerve. Its very very upsetting as its not what anyone wants in our home but I can't do a lifetime of emotional neglect to support DWs needs as have a childhood behind me of doing it for DM and my children have had a lot of misery the last few years and deserve a break. However the break will be painful especially for Autistic DS. And will leave me financially worse off and struggling. But honestly to feel alive again is worth it I think and hope.
You deserve a life too and sometimes you can't help someone out of their hole. Going into it yourself won't help. At the moment my DC are in there too and that's why I'm calling time. I've had a couple of other long term relationships and know there is more, and what loving looks like in practice and I miss it. I hope the DC survive.

When he lashes out, I think it's because he's scared I will give him an ultimatum or say I've had enough and he wants to make me feel bad and that I would be an awful person to do that.

He knows that it's something I hate to think about myself; my own long carried issue and preoccupation.

Hi Op,
If you want to leave him for any reason, you can.
If you choose to leave him, it’s because he’s an abusive arsehole, not because he has an illness. You can separate it out.

NB he does try to get help with therapy, medication etc. It's just not working well enough.