OLD - what is up with this?

[IdrisArslanian]

I started OLD and have a decent number of matches via Bumble. But three of the men have done the same thing:they "like" my profile, I "like" them back, then when I follow up with a thoughtful but easy question regarding something in their profile or photos (i.e. not just, "Hi, how was your weekend?"), I get very short, to the point answers with no questions for me. This is Bumble, so the woman has to initiate the conversation. Their answers are polite, but just not inviting further conversation (at least in my interpretation).

My question is, are they just trying to say "I'm not interested" but don't have the guts to unmatch? Are they stringing me along because they have someone else on the go and want to see what happens there? Or are they such egotistical twerps that they think it is up to me to do all the work at getting a conversation going?

Whatever it is, I find it baffling and annoying. The whole point of OLD is that it cuts to the chase. I don't actually want to just ask random strangers questions about themselves. Should I just unmatch them immediately? I am tempted with the 3rd one to say, "What's the deal? I'm a big girl, you can just unmatch me if you're not interested."

Any views?

I hated tinder. I had bumble for a few days and met my BF on there.

@MrsMaizel

TBH with you I used to hate that question - to me it is just a bland one thing fits all thing to say as opposed to someone who has actually read my profile .

I found that attempts to tailor a question to something on his profile were even less successful tbh. Say they'd mentioned going to North Korea, I'd ask about that and then radio silence. So odd.

Both approaches are yielding the same results for me.

My advice is to be brutal OP. If they're not capable of even the most half-assed response then unmatch/block.

On my last (and 🙏 final) go around on OLD I refused to use Bumble. No fucking way am I using a site designed to benefit lazy men.

I also hated Tinder. No scope for proper profiles or chat.

I used POF and OKC. Set up a detailed and pretty entertaining profile with good photos and then sat back and waited for the messages. I didn't send a single opener. I only replied to messages that referenced something specific in my profile and that showed wit/intelligence/spark. I immediately blocked anyone who sent any variation of "Hey sexii How RU lol".

It took about 6 months (and a few fun dates that ultimately didn't go anywhere) until DP sent me a doozie of an opening message that had me grinning from ear to ear. We went on our first date 3 days later and 4 years on he still has me grinning from ear to ear most days 😆.

Be brutal and be selective. Don't talk for more than a week without arranging a date. If they're flaky or apathetic, get rid! You'll know when someone is genuinely keen.

Why are men even on there then? I truly don't get it. Even just a few years ago, you'd message someone and he'd be really pleased, keen to chat and keen to meet up. Maybe it's because I'm older now and they're chasing 20-somethings still? Or are they like this with everyone? The laziness and entitlement is such a massive turn off.

Thanks everyone for your good advice. I have unmatched the two who were acting this way.

I found that attempts to tailor a question to something on his profile were even less successful tbh. Say they'd mentioned going to North Korea, I'd ask about that and then radio silence. So odd.

That's interesting, Rozziie. I wonder too if for some men it shows too much thought on your part and they're actually looking for someone who won't really engage or know anything that may challenge them but will just be impressed by them. I matched with someone who had a big overlap with my work (and we are both in professions where work interests are highly significant) and I pointed it out in a flirty way (I did not go on about my own work). His response was a polite brush off.

It's interesting that some of you see bumble as designed for lazy men. It was intended to put the woman in control but now I see how that is subverted!

Also to the poster up thread who I can't look up now, I am sure there are women who do exactly the same thing, although they may do it for slightly different reasons. One of the problems with OLD is it does tend to make you think of people as commodities or interchangeable, because they're not really "real" until you see them IRL. When I have shuffled through Tinder I think, "Pervy Pokemon"! Which is not a good thing.

Anyway, I may try another site and see what happens. I sort of think this is all just to kill time until/if I meet someone IRL!

Also I agree that probably the pandemic has worsened the OLD situation because many more people are using it given their other options for meeting up have been so limited. And at the same time we are all spending a lot more time messaging and communicating virtually so it all blends into one.

I'm a bloke. I have exactly the same issue on bumble with women. They message first. I message back. Open question. A comment about a picture or an interest. Messages soon stop.

@IdrisArslanian

Thanks everyone for your good advice. I have unmatched the two who were acting this way.

I found that attempts to tailor a question to something on his profile were even less successful tbh. Say they'd mentioned going to North Korea, I'd ask about that and then radio silence. So odd.

That's interesting, Rozziie. I wonder too if for some men it shows too much thought on your part and they're actually looking for someone who won't really engage or know anything that may challenge them but will just be impressed by them. I matched with someone who had a big overlap with my work (and we are both in professions where work interests are highly significant) and I pointed it out in a flirty way (I did not go on about my own work). His response was a polite brush off.

It's interesting that some of you see bumble as designed for lazy men. It was intended to put the woman in control but now I see how that is subverted!

Also to the poster up thread who I can't look up now, I am sure there are women who do exactly the same thing, although they may do it for slightly different reasons. One of the problems with OLD is it does tend to make you think of people as commodities or interchangeable, because they're not really "real" until you see them IRL. When I have shuffled through Tinder I think, "Pervy Pokemon"! Which is not a good thing.

Anyway, I may try another site and see what happens. I sort of think this is all just to kill time until/if I meet someone IRL!

Yes, it does come across to me as the men wanting women to be impressed and fawn all over them rather than connecting as equals based on shared interests!

I was chatting to a man whose profile said he worked in tech and asked what kind of role he did...he basically mansplained my own job and then went 'but you probably don't know what that is' and then ghosted me when I explained I actually do practically the same thing. Was clearly looking for a woman who would go 'oh wow you're so clever' and not be his equal!

I feel like this behaviour has got more and more common over the past few years? When I was 21/22, the men I was meeting were genuinely respectful of my intelligence and abilities. Now they seem almost threatened by them.

@GentlemanJay

I'm a bloke. I have exactly the same issue on bumble with women. They message first. I message back. Open question. A comment about a picture or an interest. Messages soon stop.

I only used bumble for a short while, got a few messages (not many, people probably didn’t like me much 😂), one woman called me by the wrong name, one asked me about something that wasn’t even on my profile I think some of the women on there must be not paying attention or just lazy

"It took about 6 months (and a few fun dates that ultimately didn't go anywhere) until DP sent me a doozie of an opening message that had me grinning from ear to ear. We went on our first date 3 days later and 4 years on he still has me grinning from ear to ear most days 😆."

Right this and the whole thread has inspired me, I've just sent a match (who's far too far away and probably too young to boot) a bit of a tongue in cheek message that reflects me and my sense of humour entirely. Fuck It.

I refused to use Bumble. No fucking way am I using a site designed to benefit lazy men.

As a male user of Bumble, I think this is both true and not true at the same time, I found I had to do more work 'up front' on my profile with pictures / Bio etc to get any kind of interest at all on Bumble - but the onus being on the woman to send a interesting opening message it does make things a bit easier as you don't need to think about that part, but of course the down side is if someone you 'liked' then sends you lame / lazy / low quality message that's pretty disappointing, and could possible be why some men don't respond. ?

OLD can certainly be brutal for sure - however I think you've got to be in the right frame of mind - and it does require effort to begin with. You do have to be prepared to be the one who kind of leads the conversation IYSWIM?
With Bumble in particular, because it's a female lead site I think in general the Men do expect the women to make the effort - if that doesn't suit you then perhaps Bumble's not right for you.

Personally I was on Bumble on and off for about 8 months. Also tried POF, Tinder, Badoo and OK Cupid and I honestly found Bumble to be the best. Not every man is great at messaging. The first few messages are difficult - and remember Men do tend to get more matches than women because they are less picky with who they "swipe" on. (I'm generalising here) So as a women you do have to be prepared to make the effort to stand out.

I met my now BF on Bumble - actually matched with him a couple of times and also on different sites. He was pretty awful at messaging TBH but there was something there I liked and I persevered. We've been together now 18 months and I'm very glad I made the effort back in those first few messages!

The "get to know you" questions thingy on Bumble can be great if conversation stalls - or make up your own version.

Oh and PS - we've both deleted our profiles so no "ghost" profiles left around for either of us

@JustAnother0ldMan

I refused to use Bumble. No fucking way am I using a site designed to benefit lazy men.

As a male user of Bumble, I think this is both true and not true at the same time, I found I had to do more work 'up front' on my profile with pictures / Bio etc to get any kind of interest at all on Bumble - but the onus being on the woman to send a interesting opening message it does make things a bit easier as you don't need to think about that part, but of course the down side is if someone you 'liked' then sends you lame / lazy / low quality message that's pretty disappointing, and could possible be why some men don't respond. ?

Do you consider a " how's your weekend been ?" a lazy question ?

@Bypassed21

OLD can certainly be brutal for sure - however I think you've got to be in the right frame of mind - and it does require effort to begin with. You do have to be prepared to be the one who kind of leads the conversation IYSWIM? With Bumble in particular, because it's a female lead site I think in general the Men do expect the women to make the effort - if that doesn't suit you then perhaps Bumble's not right for you.

Personally I was on Bumble on and off for about 8 months. Also tried POF, Tinder, Badoo and OK Cupid and I honestly found Bumble to be the best. Not every man is great at messaging. The first few messages are difficult - and remember Men do tend to get more matches than women because they are less picky with who they "swipe" on. (I'm generalising here) So as a women you do have to be prepared to make the effort to stand out.

I met my now BF on Bumble - actually matched with him a couple of times and also on different sites. He was pretty awful at messaging TBH but there was something there I liked and I persevered. We've been together now 18 months and I'm very glad I made the effort back in those first few messages!

The "get to know you" questions thingy on Bumble can be great if conversation stalls - or make up your own version.

Oh and PS - we've both deleted our profiles so no "ghost" profiles left around for either of us

This is a 'pickme' mindset. Trying to stand out among all these matches and get the man's attention and chase him...I think this kind of behaviour is the main reason men can be so awful on apps tbh.

I don't want to chase or cajole a man into being interested in me. My profile is there for him to see, I'm attractive and have plenty to say. If he can't be arsed then I'm not interested. I don't mind sending a first message but if I get a short reply or he doesn't ask any questions back, I unmatch. If I get the slightest whiff of entitlement or the "so tell me why I should meet you" attitude, I unmatch and block. If I get the feeling he expects me to impress or entertain him, unmatch and block. You get the idea.

@MrsMaizel
As a first message to send to an internet stranger, I would personally say it’s a bit weak ( sort of thing I might has previously sent ), okay as an open question, but it’s the kinda question someone as work might ask me.

[quote JustAnother0ldMan]@MrsMaizel
As a first message to send to an internet stranger, I would personally say it’s a bit weak ( sort of thing I might has previously sent ), okay as an open question, but it’s the kinda question someone as work might ask me.[/quote]
Yes I agree as I said above . Just wanted to see what a man thought . My H and I met online and we compared experiences and it was enlightening - both sexes face their challenges .

MrsMaizel

"Do you consider a " how's your weekend been?" a lazy question?"

I 100% would not reply to this kind of message. If that's the best first impression you can muster then you're a boring twat categorically not for me.

But like I said, I'm harsh and had very high standards. I was happy to play the long game and wait for a viable suitor to come along 🙂.

@LazyMareofEastown

MrsMaizel

"Do you consider a " how's your weekend been?" a lazy question?"

I 100% would not reply to this kind of message. If that's the best first impression you can muster then you're a boring twat categorically not for me.

But like I said, I'm harsh and had very high standards. I was happy to play the long game and wait for a viable suitor to come along 🙂.

So go on then - what would you ask? Because I've tried engaging with prompts on the profile or being funny or showing personality, and that's even less successful.

I don't understand why you're wasting your time with the question. You start a conversation, they give you an answer that turns you off, the end. That's the deal with any kind of dating. You're kissing frogs.

The only person who can explain someone's behaviour to you is the person themselves. There's not a generic 'sort' of person who exhibits this sort of behaviour. They'll have their own reasons.

So go on then - what would you ask? Because I've tried engaging with prompts on the profile or being funny or showing personality, and that's even less successful.

Ha, So not just me then, I thought I had some kind of Super Power that makes women ignore me,
“Super Boring Man” to the rescue !

@JustAnother0ldMan

So go on then - what would you ask? Because I've tried engaging with prompts on the profile or being funny or showing personality, and that's even less successful.

Ha, So not just me then, I thought I had some kind of Super Power that makes women ignore me,
“Super Boring Man” to the rescue !

Believe me, women can't win with men either.

Open with a generic 'how was your weekend?' question = you must be a basic b*tch or a bimbo.

Open with a witty joke about something on their profile = you think you're smart and need to be taken down a peg or two.

Try to connect with a common interest or job = you can't be anywhere near as good at it as he is.

It's really exhausting.

@Rozziie
Yeah is all pretty rubbish, I found the profile of one woman online I really liked, she had dogs, ( I like dogs, ), she was quite out-door (so am I), looking for someone degree educated about 6ft tall, ( that’s me ), so sent her what I thought was a decent message ( not on bumble),
Her response was along the lines of “thanks for the message, but I can’t be bothered to reply to you “. Honestly WTF is wrong with some people!

Are you really this invested at the point where you're only looking at a profile? So invested that you think there's something wrong with people if they don't want to talk to you?

With the weak messaging, I tend to send thoughtful ones when I've first joined up, but by the time I've had a handful of tumbleweed experiences, I do just say "hi, nice to match with you". OLD is exhausting ime.