Pining for my long-lost ex, sabotaging my marriage in the process

[StuckOnRepeat]

Regular MN user, NC for this because I'm so ashamed. Please be kind, I know I've not behaved well here.

I've been married to DH for 5 years now and he's a wonderful man - he's very kind, funny, intelligent and supportive of me. It's a very healthy relationship by all measures. We are not the 'rip each other's clothes off' type of couple, but we are very happy and have a lot of fun together.

Prior to meeting DH, I had a relationship with my ex, let's call him Tom. Tom and I had one of those very intense, passionate but unstable relationships, where it 'clicked' instantly but had a lot of ups and downs. We were both young and I ended it after one too many downs, mainly because Tom wasn't always very nice or emotionally available to me. I had other relationships after that but Tom and I were somehow drawn back together, and it still didn't work out. I suppose part of me thought the break wasn't permanent and we'd try again, but very soon after this I met DH and we've been together ever since.

DH and I have always been okay with keeping in touch with our exes. When I got married, Tom messaged me to congratulate me and we exchanged a few polite messages and that was that for ages. DH and I moved away so I stopped seeing Tom around but I dropped him a message after a while asking how he was doing and we got into a conversation which went on for a couple of weeks, not every day but a fair few messages here and there. In hindsight this conversation was a big mistake on my part. Although there was nothing inappropriate said and we lived far away from each other, it triggered memories and thoughts about him for me and I started feeling really weird and guilty about it. I don't know what Tom made of it - he had a girlfriend I knew about, talked to me like I was any old friend and the conversation stayed pretty light and impersonal. But because of the thoughts it triggered for me I felt very guilty and told my DH that I'd been having these conversations. I decided to pull back and took a few days to reply to a message, at which point Tom sent a message saying 'did you get bored of talking to me already?' with a row of silly emojis. I didn't reply to that right away and then noticed he'd blocked me.

I decided to send him an email asking why he'd blocked me and that I hoped we could still be friends. Again, not my smartest move in hindsight, but I was really hurt that he'd blocked me without warning and didn't understand why he'd done it. He never replied and it's been 3 years now since then and we've not had any contact. I know in that time he's gotten married and had a child.

Since that time, it's not much of an exaggeration to say that he's haunted me. I have periods where I don't think of him much but there are many periods where I do. I often have dreams about him and even worse than that, we've moved back to our home town and I've seen him around a couple of times, which has triggered a lot more memories. I recently found out that we work for the same large company now and I've felt so tempted to send him an email, though I absolutely will not humiliate myself like that. I just feel ridiculous and terrible for allowing him to occupy so much real estate in my head, like I'm cheating on DH even though we've not had any contact and likely never will again. I even feel like in a weird way I've never fully emotionally committed to DH because of this phantom image of another man I've carried for so long.

If you've gotten to the end of this, do you have any advice for me at all? I just want to forget him and focus on my wonderful DH. I hate carrying these feelings around but they just won't seem to die. Tom isn't even a nice person, he never really was, but the 'hold' he had over me clearly is very strong - it might be limerence, but whatever it is, I just want it to go away.

Channel your efforts into your marriage. Tom was unavailable and you're addicted to the ups and downs. It's the unavailability that was attarct7ve to you and not him.

Read mr unavailable and the fallback girl.

@Sakurami I do channel effort into my marriage - on a day to day level, DH and I have a great relationship. But this lingers in my mind often, and although I can rationally recognise that the relationship with Tom was flawed, it doesn't make the feelings go away. I'll have a look at the book you recommended, thanks for the tip.

Be kinder to yourself.

You haven't done anything wrong, not even in the impersonal messages you sent over three years ago. Your brain's flashbacks and memories and even fantasies are perfectly normal and they do NOT mean you're cheating on your DH. They're just shit the brain does. You wouldn't read this much into a dream about Tom, would you?

I think everyone has these flashbacks, sometimes random one-night stands from university come into my mind for no reason at all as far as I can tell. We can't erase our memories but we can come to terms with them.

I think you must feel like there's unfinished business with Tom - not so much that you want to be involved with him again but the lack of definitive closure both when you split for the last time and when you messaged afterwards. You have to rewrite that in your head - that WAS the final chapter and if it wasn't satisfying, then, well, life can be like that.

And stop thinking he has a special 'hold' over you. You had an intense relationship that was ultimately bad for you, you naturally have memories of it. That's it. It's not that deep. It's just a memory.

I've got one of these. An ex I can't forget. It does get easier.

The only thing that works is total no contact. That's hung to be hard for you due to your living in the same town and now working for the same company. But try as hard as you can to never see him nor speak.

Do you think your DH contacted him and ghats why he blocked you? Only a guess. I just wondered because it seemed to happen directly after you'd confessed to your DH?

@gannett That's exactly it - it feels like there's unfinished business since the messiness of the blocking and no response. I've gone over it so many times then, wondering why he did it. I know I will probably never know and that closure is often elusive. I just wish it didn't weigh so heavily on me at times. I don't understand why these memories are still so powerful, to the point where when I passed him on the street I felt shaken up for days. You're totally correct in your assessment and rationally I can appreciate it (yes, we all have memories from the past, it's not that deep as you say) but the feeling of wanting so intensely to speak to him sometimes feels overwhelming.

Maybe the feelings will pass with more time, but it's been 3 bloody years and I'm sick of it!

@AlbertBridge How long did it take for it to get easier? I've had periods where I thought it went away but it always seems to come back.

We've had no contact for 3 years now but my memories and thoughts still seem to feed it and keep it alive. Yes, very occasionally I'll look at photos of him, but hardly ever. It doesn't seem to make a difference anyway - it's still lingering in my subconscious, judging by how frequently I have dreams about him.

Oh, and I'm sure DH did not contact him - DH is not that type of person. He was a little taken aback when I told him but not upset or angry. Most likely Tom's ego was bruised by me not replying quickly enough, or his girlfriend (now wife) might have gotten jealous? I'll never know, I suppose.

I've had this before. Spent years with this person on my mind, all the what ifs running through my head and eventually I had to stop myself , when they floated into my head , I straight away thought about something else or got up and did something. Slowly but surely the dreams and thoughts stopped and now I can even see them on the street and it means nothing. I can now recognise that they weren't the person I though they were , they were no good for me and my life is far better without them in it. I'm engaged , due a baby and happy. They are still the same person that they were all those years ago. I'm not .

Just out of interest, did you still have those feeling for Tom when you married your DH?

@romdowa That gives me a lot of hope! Glad to hear you're happy and content - how long did it take for you to get to that point? I've even considered things like hypnosis to get rid of these thoughts.

@Tyjaro75 When I met DH I think I hadn't really processed that I'd permanently split from Tom. In hindsight I probably should've taken time out from dating for a while and processed the break up with Tom, but at the time I felt like I got over it and was only into DH after we started talking. The feelings for Tom only really resurfaced on a conscious level after we started having that conversation 3 years ago.

Clearly it isn't about the wonderful relationship because you didn't have one.

What does Tom make you feel that's missing elsewhere? Young, sexy, interesting? What does he represent for you (because that's what it's about)?

Once you understand what it is you think you get from him, you can find an alternative source.

You didn't just start spontaneously having a conversation with him, you initiated a conversation with a man who wasn't interested in making contact with you prior to your initiation.

The renewed contact dried up, quite naturally as it often does with people from the past who you no longer share common interests with.

Why did you message him in the first place? It wasn't about him, it was about comparison of your present and your past. You had a 'was the grass greener ' moment.

But he's not interested in being in contact with you. You split the relationship up, probably with good reason and life has moved on. You love your ace DH and you owe him loyality and to stop mooning over the past.

Plan dates, treats and activities that are going to boost your intimacy and interaction with your DH and give him the gift of being present in your reality and not living in your head in the past.

Would you consider seeking some counselling around this? It would help you delve a lot deeper into these feelings than you can online?

[quote StuckOnRepeat]@romdowa That gives me a lot of hope! Glad to hear you're happy and content - how long did it take for you to get to that point? I've even considered things like hypnosis to get rid of these thoughts.

@Tyjaro75 When I met DH I think I hadn't really processed that I'd permanently split from Tom. In hindsight I probably should've taken time out from dating for a while and processed the break up with Tom, but at the time I felt like I got over it and was only into DH after we started talking. The feelings for Tom only really resurfaced on a conscious level after we started having that conversation 3 years ago.[/quote]
Honestly it took me about 6 months once I actually put effort into forgetting him. I was just so fed up of having the ghost of this guy living in my head rent free.

No advice as I was in exactly the same position. In my case I broke up with my ex and really regretted it. I always felt that he was the one that got away and even though I was very happy with my other half, I constantly thought about my ex.

Unfortunately my situation resolved itself by my ex being tragically killed in an accident. I do not know how I would have resolved it otherwise because I really couldn't stop holding a torch for him. I don't think you are a bad person.

Keep in mind how easy it is to be perfect when you aren't there. This is a crush on a make believe person. Edited highlights of great sex, exciting conversations, romantic gestures (or whatever you are thinking about.) If he were around all day every day you;d be miserable as hell dealing with his mood swings and feeling increasingly needy about his indifference and you would be wracked with guilt about your lovely dependable DH who over time would become Mr Perfect In His Absence, replacing Perfect Tom because Real Tom has stinky feet and leaves his toenail clippings on the bathroom floor and answers you in monosyllables and and and.

You're bored. Not your husband's fault. Not entirely yours either since Covid has bored us all to the brink of insanity. Do something really exciting, challenging, adrenalin inducing, demanding. Lose yourself in it, whatever it is. Make Believe Tom will fade when you have a life that feels vibrant.

Was your relationship with your husband always a bit 'safe'? I wonder if married a man who was dependable, not because you were passionate about him. You basically skipped all the excitement and have jumped straight to comfortable. The problem with that is that you have no exciting memories to draw on when things are tough or just a bit pedestrian. As they inevitably are in long term relationships from time to time.

If it weren't Tom turning your head, I suspect it would be another bloke.

I had a casual thing - we met ten times in all - which I still think of every day even though I haven't seen the guy for almost two years, ended it myself, and am happy with a new partner. It is very very slowly fading in intensity, with occasional flare-ups if I am unhappy or a bit low or in a place I associate with him.

Memory and emotion are extraordinary things. But they aren't a guide to the actions you should take. I absolutely should not get in touch with my casual person, it would be ridiculous after all this time and hurtful to my partner. I almost have affection for the strangeness of the lingering memory. It's part of me, but not really anything to do with him.

Counselling would be great for you IMO, to unpick this. It won't be about 'Tom' at all, per se, but about what he represents. Would you consider speaking to a professional to delve into this? He's taking up so much headspace and I think you'll probably start seeing it's not really about him at all, it's more about the concept of him. Someone who as well as the bad bits made you feel desired sexually / passionate etc. If you'd stayed with Tom you may have initiated contact with a man more like your husband as you would perhaps crave the stability and calm that they represent. Counselling could be life changing.

I don’t get your obsession about why he blocked you. You effectively blocked him by not responding. Ignore the ‘why why did he block me’, it is irrelevant. In fact, as many posters have said, cold turkey was and is the only way you can move on.

Thanks everyone for your responses. It's odd, but sometimes I feel I have analysed this issue so much that the analysis has become part of the issue? I know Tom represents a much more exciting, youthful period of my life and I am quite prone to nostalgia generally. I know that unfortunately I'm the type of person who is prone to flights of fantasy and can crave drama, and since there is almost no drama in my relationship with DH I revert to this old relationship. DH is the polar opposite of Tom, and although he's brought so much contentment and stability into my life, I must have some mental association between passion/sex and toxicity, because DH and I have never been like it was with Tom - we have good sex but I've almost never felt the hugely intense 'I want to rip your clothes off' feeling with him. Those up and down relationships are very intense and I know I'm prone to being bored with ordinary life, as bad as it sounds.

Rationally I can appreciate all of these unhealthy thought patterns but maybe I do need counselling to kill them. I'm worried though it'll just give more air time and space to it, since I've been analysing it for years anyway! I think I do need something to really channel my energies into - I've even considered taking up adrenaline sports, because it seems that I crave the excitement and highs and lows.

Try EMDR therapy. Had similar. For decades. Ordinary therapy did nothing. EMDR helped a lot.

I do think you need to look at things with foresight, rather than hindsight.
You know before dropping him an email or whatever that you're going to get a response, so start by being honest with yourself.
I do mean this kindly, as I have been the same about one of my exes. Though I'm not married.
I just had to block him and ensure that I didnt climb back on the rollercoaster of ups and downs with him.

@Thethuthinang was your EMDR for something similar? It seems to be quite controversial and used for serious trauma but I'd not say no to exploring anything at this point!

@MorriseysGladioli That's a good point about foresight rather than hindsight. I actually am pretty sure he will never contact me again and I won't contact him either, but that doesn't stop me drafting emails in my head constantly and imagining him contacting me and all the exchanges we'd have. It sounds crazy, but there it is.

Op, I relate to your post about nostalgia, drama and longing SO MUCH. That's exactly how it is with me too. My "one that got away" was my best friend at work when I was in my 20s and we were so close. I had a massive crush on him for years and we dated briefly but never properly. I've lined for him for years, but I think I'm really pining for that time of possibility and potential.

😢

I'm the typical Bored Housewife at the moment. My DH is blissfully calm so he's created a very stable, secure home for us - which sadly creates an opportunity for me to mope and yearn! I really need to channel all this angst into something creative. That'd be a useful, positive place to put it all.