Pining for my long-lost ex, sabotaging my marriage in the process

[StuckOnRepeat]

Regular MN user, NC for this because I'm so ashamed. Please be kind, I know I've not behaved well here.

I've been married to DH for 5 years now and he's a wonderful man - he's very kind, funny, intelligent and supportive of me. It's a very healthy relationship by all measures. We are not the 'rip each other's clothes off' type of couple, but we are very happy and have a lot of fun together.

Prior to meeting DH, I had a relationship with my ex, let's call him Tom. Tom and I had one of those very intense, passionate but unstable relationships, where it 'clicked' instantly but had a lot of ups and downs. We were both young and I ended it after one too many downs, mainly because Tom wasn't always very nice or emotionally available to me. I had other relationships after that but Tom and I were somehow drawn back together, and it still didn't work out. I suppose part of me thought the break wasn't permanent and we'd try again, but very soon after this I met DH and we've been together ever since.

DH and I have always been okay with keeping in touch with our exes. When I got married, Tom messaged me to congratulate me and we exchanged a few polite messages and that was that for ages. DH and I moved away so I stopped seeing Tom around but I dropped him a message after a while asking how he was doing and we got into a conversation which went on for a couple of weeks, not every day but a fair few messages here and there. In hindsight this conversation was a big mistake on my part. Although there was nothing inappropriate said and we lived far away from each other, it triggered memories and thoughts about him for me and I started feeling really weird and guilty about it. I don't know what Tom made of it - he had a girlfriend I knew about, talked to me like I was any old friend and the conversation stayed pretty light and impersonal. But because of the thoughts it triggered for me I felt very guilty and told my DH that I'd been having these conversations. I decided to pull back and took a few days to reply to a message, at which point Tom sent a message saying 'did you get bored of talking to me already?' with a row of silly emojis. I didn't reply to that right away and then noticed he'd blocked me.

I decided to send him an email asking why he'd blocked me and that I hoped we could still be friends. Again, not my smartest move in hindsight, but I was really hurt that he'd blocked me without warning and didn't understand why he'd done it. He never replied and it's been 3 years now since then and we've not had any contact. I know in that time he's gotten married and had a child.

Since that time, it's not much of an exaggeration to say that he's haunted me. I have periods where I don't think of him much but there are many periods where I do. I often have dreams about him and even worse than that, we've moved back to our home town and I've seen him around a couple of times, which has triggered a lot more memories. I recently found out that we work for the same large company now and I've felt so tempted to send him an email, though I absolutely will not humiliate myself like that. I just feel ridiculous and terrible for allowing him to occupy so much real estate in my head, like I'm cheating on DH even though we've not had any contact and likely never will again. I even feel like in a weird way I've never fully emotionally committed to DH because of this phantom image of another man I've carried for so long.

If you've gotten to the end of this, do you have any advice for me at all? I just want to forget him and focus on my wonderful DH. I hate carrying these feelings around but they just won't seem to die. Tom isn't even a nice person, he never really was, but the 'hold' he had over me clearly is very strong - it might be limerence, but whatever it is, I just want it to go away.

OP, I don't want to minimise your feelings, but I can't help thinking this has just become a habit. Your mind finds itself going down these neural pathways because that's what it has been doing for the last few years. You need to break the habit and free yourself.

Maybe try CBT, or a book like The Power of Habit or Eliminate Negative Thinking.

Woo warning!!!

I practice reiki and have friends who do too. While I find it difficult to rationalise (engineer, accountant, rational person), I have had some experiences where these approaches have been useful to understand and change patterns in my life and the lives of others.

If you think this is something you might like to explore, I recommend this book as a starting point... While you might not buy into everything in the book.. (I really struggle with the idea that we can manifest our futures), you might find the techniques about letting go of past loves interesting.

Lais is also amazing and she works over zoom.

www.amazon.co.uk/Universe-You-Steps-Co-Create-Desire/dp/2970148005/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?dchild=1&crid=I89509ONBRQ3&keywords=lais+stephan&sprefix=lais+steph&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1631173046&sr=8-1

@StuckOnRepeat

Thanks everyone for your responses. It's odd, but sometimes I feel I have analysed this issue so much that the analysis has become part of the issue? I know Tom represents a much more exciting, youthful period of my life and I am quite prone to nostalgia generally. I know that unfortunately I'm the type of person who is prone to flights of fantasy and can crave drama, and since there is almost no drama in my relationship with DH I revert to this old relationship. DH is the polar opposite of Tom, and although he's brought so much contentment and stability into my life, I must have some mental association between passion/sex and toxicity, because DH and I have never been like it was with Tom - we have good sex but I've almost never felt the hugely intense 'I want to rip your clothes off' feeling with him. Those up and down relationships are very intense and I know I'm prone to being bored with ordinary life, as bad as it sounds.

Rationally I can appreciate all of these unhealthy thought patterns but maybe I do need counselling to kill them. I'm worried though it'll just give more air time and space to it, since I've been analysing it for years anyway! I think I do need something to really channel my energies into - I've even considered taking up adrenaline sports, because it seems that I crave the excitement and highs and lows.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned the youthful time in your life when you were with him, I think these things are to do with getting older, it's not really him you're missing but your youth

@AlbertBridge I'm sorry you're feeling similarly, it's awful. I agree that a creative outlet would be helpful - the imagination has to go somewhere, so it might as well go somewhere healthy!

@OrangeTortoise I think you might be right, it has become a bit of a habit, the hashing and rehashing, even though it feels very intrusive and involuntary at times. It's almost like pressing a bruise, where you know it's going to hurt but you do it anyway. Maybe if I treat it like a bad habit it might be more manageable, though I've never been good at kicking bad habits!

I think you need some kind of ritual that will give you closure. Getting it all out in counselling and envisaging leaving that as baggage behind you may help.

Oh and it sounds very much like limerence. Tom in your head represents a perfect man that fulfills everything you need him to. Whereas real Tom doesn't fulfil you and you know this, but that doesn't stop you pining for the dream Tom. It's perfectly possible to break your heart over dream Tom whilst rationally knowing he was a selfish arse (or whatever else was wrong with him)!

There may be some comfort in realising as well that nostalgia for the person you were with when you were younger and freer is an innate human trait, that's why so many middle aged people end up back with their first love, trotting out the "I feel like a teenager again" line. You feel like that because you're acting like that as you e regressed back to that spot with the person who was there with you...nothing wrong with it and a lovely feeling. But you're married to someone else, someone GOOD. Thats really valuable and is also real and happening right now. And he's yours. You're a lucky woman.

I think you need to get real about the history - in your head - of your relationship with your ex. It sounds probable that your ‘radar’ for losers was poor, that he treated you badly and that instead of being sensible and ending the relationship, and contact, early. you accepted this treatment and continued for way too long than was good for you.

And that for whatever reasons you still haven’t wised up and are romanticising the past.

Don’t fuck up your marriage for a loser!

From what you've described- it sounds like you trauma bonded with Tom. He was emotionally unavailable and yet you experienced intense emotions. That whole experience is exhilarating, exhausting, addictive and damaging- and these experiences are often confused for love, passion and being attracted to the person, rather than to the traumatic relationship with them.
Add to that the memories of youth, of being carefree and of optimism for possibilities- I think the truth is that the yearning, the longing and the obsessive thoughts are far more in you than in another man. I think you should get some counselling to work through what you need from your relationship, from your life and for your future. They may not be as distant in time or place as you think.

Seadad summed it up perfectly for me. I have the exact same feelings and situation. Even down to the dreams and am considering counselling. I just wanted to say you're not alone. I also recognise my relationship wasn't healthy. I think it represents a time in my life i was free and had the world at my feet and that's what I long for. I have no advice as its very hard to get over unless you can try figure out why. Have you watched sex life on Netflix? It's basically this type of story summed up and a brilliant watch.

Hypnotherapy. Get a mental spring clean, as it were

I think about my 'first love' almost obsessively sometimes. I crave him. And then other times I will notice that it's been 6 months since I've thought of him at all.

It's been 16 years since I last saw him. It hasn't gone away. I am happily married with kids.

I have come to realise, it's the excitement, the raging hormones and the romance of it all that i'm so drawn to. Never in my life have I experienced more of a rush of emotion than in that relationship and it's left a mark (maybe a slight trauma) on me and that's what I'm dwelling on... not actually him as a person. We would never be compatible now and i'm way better off with my DH. But there's nothing like that first relationship when every inch of you is on fire with adrenaline and lust.

Blame the hormones!!! It's the excitement you miss not him as a person.

I had one of these and then after it I settled because the intensity of that relationship was not something I could contemplate. It’s tough. Sounds like you have settled a bit.

I even feel like in a weird way I've never fully emotionally committed to DH because of this phantom image of another man I've carried for so long

This is a common thing for people with an avoidant attachment style. Have you ever looked into this?

I did used to mull over an old flame when I was very unhappy with my ex (about 16 years of misery!) I think those thoughts represented part of myself that I had lost. After we split up I literally met the love of my life and I never think of him at all now. Did see my old flame a while ago & he gave me a cheeky wink which did make me smile. I didn't even dwell on that.

I think you're right that Tom blocked you because you didn't respond fast enough, so he felt rejected or at risk of being rejected, as he knew you were in a relationship.

I'm a big fan of EMDR and it's not all that controversial now- it's recognized and used by the NHS. I had it both privately and then with the NHS and it was great.

I hate carrying these feelings around but they just won't seem to die. Tom isn't even a nice person, he never really was, but the 'hold' he had over me clearly is very strong - it might be limerence, but whatever it is, I just want it to go away.

OP i had feelings for a man like you describe since I was in my twenties. I used to have many dreams about him.
I'd randomly start thinking about him
He drawed me in
I couldn't stop looking at him (creepy I know)
I was in awe of him
Years later we had a thing, turned out it was only a sexual attraction and I didn't like his personality and I didn't want him after all
Stick with your husband, block him do whatever you need to do, don't act on it you will regret throwing away your marriage.

@StuckOnRepeat You didn’t really answer the question about whether you felt this way about Tom when you married your DH. You said maybe you should have taken a break before you started dating DH and you didn’t expect the break up with Tom to be permanent… but you didn’t answer about when you got married.

For what it’s worth, from the way you describe your relationships with both men, I’m not sure either was right for you. You bounced from something toxic and physical and exciting to something easy and stable and settled, and you don’t seem happy with either… perhaps the middle ground was better for you. I wouldn’t be able to be married without the physical side; the excitement; the passion - but I also wouldn’t tolerate a shit person or toxicity or highs and lows. It took me until I was 27 to meet someone who could meet both of those sides, but it was worth the wait! But that could be projection on my side.

Some people do pine after long lost relationships for years, just like some people stay in relationships that are convenient. It’s all a series of choices… but I think you need to own yours a bit more.

You messaged him “as a friend”, but it got intense and it doesn’t sound like you’ve ever just been friends.

Then you stopped, because you’re not friends, your old lovers. You are emotionally invested still.

He pulled away. That could be for any multitude of reasons. Perhaps he was game playing, again, and withdrew when the attention stopped. Perhaps he realised why you’d stopped, and didn’t want to be a part of it. Perhaps he realised you were both playing with fire while in a relationship with other people. Does any particular reason really matter? Unless you’d have considered leaving DH for him, it’s all irrelevant.

And now you’re pining after the excitement again. The excitement of sometimes seeing him, of knowing where he works so you could email him or bump into him.

Maybe it’ll pass in a few years and you’ll forget about it, but it’s a big risk to take if it doesn’t, and you spend half your life pining over this. And I do feel a bit sorry for your DH, who seems to be firmly in second place to either Tom or the missing part of your relationship, without really ever knowing. But you’re not the first to do this and I shouldn’t think you’ll be the last.

To answer query above, yes, my EMDR was for this. I was very depressed. Turns out later that a serious physical illness was contributing. But the issue with lost love was the focus of it. Now is better, but never resolved entirely.

[quote StuckOnRepeat]@gannett That's exactly it - it feels like there's unfinished business since the messiness of the blocking and no response. I've gone over it so many times then, wondering why he did it. I know I will probably never know and that closure is often elusive. I just wish it didn't weigh so heavily on me at times. I don't understand why these memories are still so powerful, to the point where when I passed him on the street I felt shaken up for days. You're totally correct in your assessment and rationally I can appreciate it (yes, we all have memories from the past, it's not that deep as you say) but the feeling of wanting so intensely to speak to him sometimes feels overwhelming.

Maybe the feelings will pass with more time, but it's been 3 bloody years and I'm sick of it![/quote]
I agree with @Sakurami. It’s the unavailability that attracts you. You feel an intense sense of being valued by someone who is cruel but who will occasionally treat you nicely. Those moments of kindness are felt intensely and you are were grateful for them.

The rejection hurts and you are desperate for the medicine of his temporary kindness.

It’s about you. Spend time trying to understand why you long for a relationship of any kind with someone who, as you say, wasn’t a nice person when you knew him. Why do you find unkindness a passion inducer?

@TakeYourFinalPosition Sorry if I was unclear - I definitely didn't think I was still harbouring feelings towards Tom when I met DH and definitely not when we got married. It felt very right with DH, not in the intense 'click' way it did with Tom, but more in a way that we seemed to fit really well together and felt so effortless and natural.

I have been in a relationship where I felt I settled with a safe choice, so I know what that feels like. It didn't feel like that with DH but I do know what you mean about wanting both out of a relationship. For me the passion and intensity has never coexisted with stability and contentment in a relationship and I'm not sure how many people do manage to get both. If you have it you might have struck gold! I do feel very lucky to have DH though and I don't think there's someone out there necessarily who's a better fit for me, someone who could banish all the ghosts from the past. Of course I've had times where I've worried this fixation with Tom suggests something is fundamentally 'wrong' with my relationship with DH but I don't think it's as straightforward as that. The fixation with Tom is likely more about me than it is about Tom, or DH.

@Why2why That's exactly it - I craved so much from Tom because he withheld. His blocking and ignoring my subsequent email just reinforced that dynamic of him withholding and being unavailable, so it's almost like the spell was never broken because that's the note it ended on. It feels like he won, not only because he blocked me but because he didn't care, and I did and still do. I just so desperately wanted him to care, and he didn't, and it feels like part of me is still waiting for him to realise he did care. But I know that's never going to happen.

I wonder if this Tom has just become a stand in for something else. Often when I think of ex's and miss them, it's not really them I miss - just that period of my life or who I was when I was younger.

I agree with a PP that brain patterns can become ingrained so easier and quicker to think the more you 'practise' it. Forcing yourself to keep swapping to think of something else every time you catch yourself thinking of Tom, until your brain breaks the habit, might help.