What lessons did you learn from your marriage breakdown/ divorce when entering into another relationship ?

[firestartered]

I'm newly divorced three years after my exh cheated on me
And left for ow. I did counselling, moved on, tried to examine
My fault in the breakdown and am now in a relationship of a year with the polar opposite of my exh.
I am 48 so I've lived loved and lost along
Ty along the way .
Can I ask. What helped you navigate new long term relationships and
What works in comparison to what didnt work the last time please?
Our marriage failed because he lives his life like a single man, left all the children rearing,
Domestic and admin to
Me Solely amd
Was a sex pest. I ended up having zero respect for him amd basically read to g his existence . He ended up feeling disrespected and sexually frustrated. Essentially family
Life did not suit him and I wasn't willing to be a slave .
Any thoughts ?

*Basically resenting him

Trust your gut
Trust takes time with someone new

That not everyone is like your ex

Thanks for that response.
I have major
Trust issues but I am
Learning to loosen a little . That has taken
The full year!
My gut doesn't
Always send me
Right. I tend to catastrophise. He is very patient and understands.

For me, I’d say I’ve worked on having stronger boundaries from the start in a relationship, and also trying to be better at communicating.

Watching!
I'm in a relationship with someone special and whenever they talk about moving in or marriage one day I freeze and think it's a terrible idea, even though I love him way more than I did my ex and he's such a decent guy (unlike ex) so I'd love to know how to embrace a relationship fully after a shit marriage/divorce.

@WitchSerafina

For me, I’d say I’ve worked on having stronger boundaries from the start in a relationship, and also trying to be better at communicating.

I would say this. I'm definitely approaching relationships post-divorce completely differently

Same! He talks about the future way down the line , sometimes as fun but then seriously amd I seize up. No way will I let a man in through my front door permanently
While my kids re young and at home

Stronger boundaries. Don't feel afraid to finish it -you don't need to explain.

I definitely feel I have stronger boundaries but then I over react amd
Over think eg he has female friends . Totally innocent. No history amd I convinced myself for the first two months he was having online affairs even though in all our time together , he has never once been shady or secretive with his phone . If not at work or with his kids/ family he's with me . It's very taxing at times

I had a similar marriage to yours OP and I wish I’d put boundaries in place sooner and told him what I thought. And empathy with the sex pest thing - yuck. It’s awful when they start clawing at you.

So, communicating is the key. And not being a doormat (nor treating my lovely current partner like one). Respect is reciprocal.

Yes I find that we just
Love looking after each other . We have been through a lot and find that we've both healed simultaneously through kindness respect and thoughtfulness . We mind each other but it's mutual . Sexually, it's like twenty years of being groped, coerced and generally used has turned me
Into a woman who is making up for lost time and for him, he feels he's never been treated with such tenderness and adoration. Being wanted I suppose , in every way, for both of us .
Almost waiting for the bubble to burst sometimes. I'm
Trying to protect this relationship as much as I can .

My exH sounds a lot like yours, OP. I bottled up a lot of my feelings because he got so defensive and angry if I ever expressed an opinion or a feeling.

I swore blind that I would not bottle things up any more, and I would be open and honest about my feelings. It was frightening at first, expecting new men to get angry or defensive when I said what I wanted. It isn't easy - I ate mussels for two years because a much-adored boyfriend really liked them and I didn't know how to tell him i didn't....

You just have to be sure about what matters to you, and to realise that you have as much value in the relationship as him.

I was the same
@Funnylittlefloozie . Afraid to bee myself because he shouted so much at me and the kids . They were petrified of him. Now I am
So open and
Honest even if That makes me somewhat hysterical at times . I don't agree with the phrase that I am the prize , we both are amd need to keep
Treating each other as such

The calm in our home is heavenly now.

@firestartered I'm just exiting a marriage exactly like yours so I'm not anywhere near dating or New relationships but I wanted to say it's reassuring to see someone in a marriage similar to mine can find a better relationship after! Thanks for that and I'm sorry I don't have any advise to your post.

Delighted for you @LanesdownGutted . You won't know yourself after a while ! Calm happy and a fun home

Absolutely boundaries. Seems like I was I a similar previous relationship to you and my children have thrived since the split. I had some counselling (weekly for 6 months) and am the least counselly type person you'd expect, but it was really helpful.

Communication is key, I've found with my new dp, that it's so much easier to discuss when I'm uncomfortable with things (nothing major, but left to fester and accumulate could be). So be clear on what you want and need, and what you don't want, and it's so much easier. No treading on eggshells etc.

Not exactly the same in my situation because my husband died but when I look back on my marriage I realise a lot of mistakes I made. We loved each other very much but before he got sick but prior to this we were having problems. The way we communicated at times was not healthy and he had turned into bit of a sulker. I have reflected a lot since his death and realise we got into a situation where I was quite controlling over certain things. In my new relationship I am not controlling. My aim is to cherish him and make him feel special. I am now very conscious of not taking the other person for granted or acting selfishly.

I realised I had bottled stuff up and overworked for years, trying to balance out my XH's various madnesses so the DC had a solid base. I had to be sooo sensible, I lost myself completely. So I got fully in touch with my emotions via counselling, experimented madly with sex for a couple of years with multiple partners then settled down with a calm, loving man who gives me the emotional and physical intimacy I need. He knows he won't be moving in, it will only ever be a part-time relationship, but for as long as it works we will love and support each other. Not a single cross word in nearly three years, bliss!

Watch out for abusers. Especially the charming and well masked ones.

I can totally relate to this@JustThisLastLittleBit . Lost
Myself
Trying to keep the peace . Every request was seen as a demand . Every job done was half arsed and he left us without plumbing/ overflowing bins etc at times ... his only
Two jobs to do at home . He was a plumber .
Another thing that I now see is that it takes me
Ages to process even the simplest of upsets . It's like I can't see what's in front of me . So if we have a disagreement about what's acceptable to us , I almost need an objective opinion to see the wood for the trees. I have over reacted on basic things a few times . He is patient . I must watch this. We do cherish each other and are always trying to support one another with goals and challenges . I expect that a few hiccups along the way is natural
When trying to navigate a new relationship with new boundaries . Menopause isnt helping !

It sounds like you're doing really well OP. Try not to overthink hiccups etc. Be kind to yourself and to him, and you won't go far wrong. Good luck!

Thanks I'm
A terrible overthimker

Maybe it's a good time to do a little more counselling OP? I had two batches, 7 years apart, the second batch was very focused on particular issues re vulnerability etc, while the first was just trying to unscramble my head to see if I was still in there somewhere!

I learned, men are a scam.