What lessons did you learn from your marriage breakdown/ divorce when entering into another relationship ?

[firestartered]

I'm newly divorced three years after my exh cheated on me
And left for ow. I did counselling, moved on, tried to examine
My fault in the breakdown and am now in a relationship of a year with the polar opposite of my exh.
I am 48 so I've lived loved and lost along
Ty along the way .
Can I ask. What helped you navigate new long term relationships and
What works in comparison to what didnt work the last time please?
Our marriage failed because he lives his life like a single man, left all the children rearing,
Domestic and admin to
Me Solely amd
Was a sex pest. I ended up having zero respect for him amd basically read to g his existence . He ended up feeling disrespected and sexually frustrated. Essentially family
Life did not suit him and I wasn't willing to be a slave .
Any thoughts ?

That's not a bad idea . I could
Sabotage this relationship easily of I continue over reacting/ overthinking . He himself has had an abusive relationship where he was controlled and emotionally tormented for some years. Sometimes when we disagree I can see his face change and he looks frightened or scared . We have discussed this and he ageees that he was always walking on eggshells shells . Ours is a calm
Relationship and he is certainly not used to that . It's all about respect isn't it!

Like a previous poster, LV2NY, I’m widowed and often look back at mistakes made on both sides in our marriage.

It was me, though, who was the sulker and I now recognise that the way I dealt with grievances was to be rather passive-aggressive.

I’m in a new relationship now and there’s no way I’m going to act so immaturely in this one. Honest communication is the way forward and acceptance of one another’s foibles, as long as these are not mean-spirited.

This is a bit saccharine, but I like the maxim : If you have the choice between being right and being kind, choose being kind.

Reading my post back, I sound so starry-eyed!

Well, it is a relatively new romance.

I basically learned what was summed up beautifully on a recent thread in Menopause (cba/unable to link, sorry).

That oestrogen makes you fluffy and compliant, so you put up with all kinds of crap from men, and it's only when your hormones start changing after 40 that you realise what a boundary is. By which time the permanent damage is often irreversible.

I also learned that hanging out with singles is a billion times more interesting than having coupled up friends. Just never will be interested in coupledom again. Done.

Start as you mean to go on.
Firm boundaries - treat yourself as you expect to be treated.
Nip things in the bud.
Vulnerability used equal to strength.
Communicate, never let anything fester.
Joke and laugh more.
Genuinely seek to bring good into your partner’s life, as well as being willing to receive.
Forgive and move on easily.
Find times and places for yourself to preserve your own identity and thoughts, you will need those if you’re ever single again.
Don’t neglect friends and family because you’re in love now.
Try to use your love and togetherness to assist others as well, you get back more than you give in unexpected ways, and it’s a real feel good!
Remember that nothing is forever and feel comfortable with that.

@MontalbanoFan

Reading my post back, I sound so starry-eyed!

Well, it is a relatively new romance.

You don’t, it sounds really lovely! Ironically in the early years of our marriage it was me that was the sulker as that was learned behaviour from my parents, pretty much I had no conflict resolution skills. As I matured this changed and I preferred to talk about things and work them out. Somewhere along the way my husband changed, not sure if it was mid life crisis type stuff but he suddenly decided doing things behind my back was easier than having an adult conversation about things and it caused a lot of disharmony. All the best for the new relationship 😊

Respectful straight talking

DP and I rarely argue but if there's something con my mind I feel comfortable saying it. Last night, I'd had a really rough day, he needed to pick something up from me, I suggested he came over as I could use the company (it was about 9.30) he said he'd pick up the item in the morning as his dinner was in the oven. I responded (all by text) 'fine' (I was pissed off) then I thought about it and messaged to say I really wanted the support. And he apologised and came straight over. I'd do the same for him.

Ex and I argued about everything. I never felt heard or respected, and the resentment just built up.

Thank you, @LV2NY.

@firestartered

The calm in our home is heavenly now.

I came in here because that is exactly how I felt when my husband left.

So you know it wasn't you.
None of it was down to you
Not your fault

You are a good person who has been treated badly for a long time and now there is calm, and you have a new relationship which you can enjoy at a slower pace without any need to rush forward.
Just take it slow and if it is the right fit then you will know.

I have stronger boundaries now
Shared values and similar ways re conflict resolution are what I look for first in a relationship
Great communication - honesty and a genuinely open mind where by you don’t use the past to sabotage your future

I definitely think learning to say, I don’t like this, I’m not happy about that, what did your last servant die of - early on saves a lot of pent up resentment way down the line and weeds out those who can’t cope with any negativity in a relationship

Boundaries, as others have said. For me that was having a very clear idea of what i wasn't prepared to put up with, and the knowledge that I could, and would, walk rather than suffer and put up with gaslighting crap!

Did you spend a long time alone after your split?
To really really examine why your choices were so poor, your boundaries not right to fall for ex in the first place?
2 of my friends didn't. They rushed into new relationships, got married again, and now regret it.

Listen carefully to the other person's jokes. And their values. Don't give them the benefit of the doubt if you find any of their humour off-beam.

Note when they don't pay half. Or at least offer. The second time they leave you to pay unfairly, dump them. Don't waste your time.

The same if you catch them lying. People who tell small lies without a qualm, seldom have any hesitation in telling whoppers.

Look for genuine kindness, not just when they are trying to impress you. Are they kind to their mum, to the old lady next door?

Thanks. I spent a blissful year alone after
My Marriage ended but in reality , I've been alone for years. As weird as it sounds, my exh didn't actually Speak to me unless it was a criticism or demand or wanted sex. My present relationship suits me down to the ground as we see each other eow and an evening on alternate week. Plenty
Of space, freedom, family time with children and friends / colleagues amd
Then our time
Together is precious and special where we both just enjoy one another . The best of both worlds I think, for now at least.
I don't think I'll ever not consider my calm home as anything but precious and to be protected at all costs .
I had real issues in the beginning with accepting him
Paying for me for things even though I knew it was logical .I always tried to pay because I always paid for everything on my marriage outside of mortgage and car loan . I knew no different . We have reached an even keel now where we just split the bill everyrime

Don’t trust what anyone says,
Don’t live with anyone
Don’t take any crap from anyone

I've met someone completely different to my ex. He's patient, understanding and I have to keep reminding myself that this is real and not a figment of my imagination

That both parties are equally important. Their opinions, feelings etc are as important as the others'. That compromise is a 2-way thing. I learned that I never again wanted to be the one making all the effort / doing most of the life admin and work. That it would be fairly shared. That I can only live with someone who has a similar idea of tidiness and work ethic. That I can't put up with poor communication, lying or any hint of addiction.