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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexless marriage, dh depression, I met a man.

40 replies

L0stinCyberspace · 07/09/2021 19:39

Feeling sick with stress. DH has become emotionally "flat" and grumpy over the last decade. Begged him to ask GP about depression but he got annoyed at the suggestion. It got to the point where it just felt like he was in a gloomy or distant mood with no ideas a lot.

6 years ago he stopped making an effort to make me climax. 5 years ago (ish) I begged him to go to marriage counselling but he came up with excuses - cost, who'd mind DS. Another year goes by and he's heading to bed just kissing me on the forehead, no chat, no fun. We never shared a bedroom as he kicks in his sleep but previously this didn't stop us having sex.

Spent another year crying over the utter loneliness in my marriage. Last year he finally realised he had depression, got help, doing better on ADS, but still no sex. It's been about 2 years and I've got to the point where I just won't make a move, he needs to.

Met a man who works in an area I have a hobby in. We have both gradually fallen for each other as we have many things in common. Nothing has been said, nothing acknowledged, but I can see he is honourable and wouldn't do anything unless I gave him the nod. Last week he and I talked, and we realised we both wanted the same kind of rest of life, I actually was weak at the knees when I was in his company.

Dh suddenly wants to see can we rebuild our relationship. He's been in fortnightly counselling for a year but I think I'm his security blanket. I'm less sure I make him happy. He just doesn't want to let me go either. I'm very upset and all over the place...

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 07/09/2021 19:45

You don't need his permission to end your marriage.

Has the spark completely gone out?

Are your thoughts on the other man a case of wishful thinking?

How would you feel about a spell of being single instead of hopping from your marriage to a relationship with the new man?

Original poster
L0stinCyberspace · 07/09/2021 19:59

I suppose I feel dreadfully guilty that the depression has been at the root cause of his moods. But I really thought that after a year of therapy he'd be making more of an effort to get marriage counselling. I really lost it about a month ago and said perhaps we just don't bring out the best in each other, and maybe we should separate but in a very amicable way, as despite everything, we think a lot of each other.

The spark has completely gone out for me. Even 6 months ago if he'd thrown a few crumbs, I could have reconnected, but now there's just nothing left. After DH saw his counsellor after the row a month ago, he suggested a night away, so I went and we did have a nice time, but no hugs, no spark at all. Went for a long walk with him on Sunday and not once did he give me any affection.

The other man probably is wishful thinking but not without a basis. I don't know why his marriage ended. What I do know is that he seems very similar to me in many ways, ways I didn't think I'd find in another person. The situation is knocking me for six. I keep trying to put him out of my head when considering the situation with DH.

OP posts:
Dyrne · 07/09/2021 20:03

I agree with a OP, I think you should end your marriage. You’re not happy, it’s ok to leave.

I do think most of the situation with this other man is a case of “grass is greener”. I’d separate with the intention to be single and focus just on yourself. Even if this other man is the love of your life and you’re destined to be together, if he really is the one then surely it can wait another few months to get you separated from your DH?

middlingmess · 07/09/2021 20:05

I think your marriage is dead.
Your dh is only making the effort now, when it's too late.
Separate and then you can do what you want, no guilt or moral dilemma

Original poster
L0stinCyberspace · 07/09/2021 20:08

I left DH twice when we were much younger in late teens, early twenties. When I got back with him in 2000, I told myself it was forever. The guilt is killing me.

OP posts:
Iknowtheanswer · 07/09/2021 20:13

I think you should leave. I don't say that lightly, but I think you have reached a point where it is unlikely to improve long term.

On my experience, you tend to meet other people when you need to in your life. If you, were happy in your marriage, you probably would be friends (even if you have a spark) but you wouldn't be contemplating more.

I do wish you luck.

MiaRoma · 07/09/2021 20:15

Why do you feel so guilty? You've tried. You've been kind. Now you don't want DH any more. No guilt needed. It's over. Done.

The other guy is just a bit of limerance atm. No guilt needed there either.

Move on. Live your life. Guilt free.

SomethingElf · 07/09/2021 20:23

I'm gonna go against the grain and say...
I think you should end all contact with the other man and then see how you feel about divorcing your DH. It's the only 'clean' way to know that you're doing it for the right reasons.

Srtis · 07/09/2021 20:35

Your marriage sounds dead in the water to me. You need to bring it to an end.

litterbird · 07/09/2021 20:44

You know what? Its ok to separate and get divorced. Some marriages have a sell by date and yours in one of them. No guilt to be had, you tried, even if the OM wasn't in the picture I would say the same....its done, its lost, time to move on. Leave because you want a future being single and getting to know who you are and what you want and like. Build a single life first, find the freedom then see if this man is still kicking around and only then make the move if both of you are willing. If he wants you he will wait until you are ready. Honestly OP dont flog this dead horse more than is necessary and stop with the guilt!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/09/2021 21:21

It’s so Sod’s law isn’t it

I suppose , if you didn’t have this other fancy and he tried to change / how would you have felt about it ?

Does other man have a family ?

Sakurami · 07/09/2021 21:29

You've tried so much and been stuck in a sexless crap marriage for a long time. Leave him and enjoy life.

Original poster
L0stinCyberspace · 07/09/2021 23:01

@Thisisworsethananticpated I keep asking myself the same but I honestly felt last Christmas that things were reaching an irreparable point with DH, that my feelings were closing forever.

The OM has 2 teenagers, I've met them once and they are nice kids, and an ex-wife. I have 1 teenager.

OP posts:
Srtis · 07/09/2021 23:22

Just be brave OP. You can piss about forever in these situations and in 5 years you are back to square one.

Rainydayss · 07/09/2021 23:33

This was me 3 years ago. I pandered to his depression (turns out it was guilt because of an affair) and my self esteem was rock bottom.
Divorced and now happily with a man who gives me the affection I dreamt off.
Life is too short, don't be unhappy

mathanxiety · 08/09/2021 04:30

Have you ever wondered if your H is gay?

Heliachi · 08/09/2021 04:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Shelddd · 08/09/2021 05:38

I don't get the comments saying you have tried so much... I fail see what you have done other than have an emotional affair.

Doesn't matter though as others have said the marriage is over, you don't need permission to end it. You don't need to be in the right or occupy some moral high ground. You don't need to come up with a list of reasons why your DH is the one at fault. You don't need to do any of that. If you are unhappy for whatever reason you can leave.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/09/2021 07:10

I agree with people who say to end the marriage before the affair starts
You are good friends anyway and if he is a nice guy he will wait
I understand the angst you are having

But the split will be easier and less nasty if you arent seen to be ‘cheating’

Your husband might turn nasty when you announce your intentions

KhoshkaKatya · 08/09/2021 07:27

I’d take the other guy with a pinch of salt. He could just be mirroring what you say to create a certain impression.

You need to consider whether you want your marriage irrespective of the other guy.

It does say something that you were open to an approach, it shows what your needs and wishes are. Just don’t set any store by that guy in particular IYSWIM.

theworldsbiggestcrocodile · 08/09/2021 09:41

Life is too short to stay in a dead marriage like that. I'm not saying it's easy to end things but can you imagine your next 30 years being spent like this.
The other than might be a goer or not, but free yourself up to pursue whatever new opportunities for happiness come your way. There is no place more lonely than being lonely in a Marriage in my opinion.

Original poster
L0stinCyberspace · 08/09/2021 14:12

@mathanxiety never - he's not gay, just depressed. Caught him using cam girls last year.

@Shelddd well I begged him to go to marriage counselling, talk to his GP, and went to marriage counselling on my own. Just recently asked DH again to go to marriage counselling. 6 weeks later, nothing.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 08/09/2021 17:25

Caught him using cam girls last year.

FHS - get a solicitor. File for divorce.
Neither of you needs marriage counseling.

CorianderBee · 08/09/2021 17:40

@mathanxiety

Have you ever wondered if your H is gay?
Weird comment. Why would he be gay? They've been together over 20 years and he's only gone off sex recently
Original poster
L0stinCyberspace · 08/09/2021 20:21

@mathanxiety why do u say neither of us needs a marriage counsellor?

@theworldsbiggestcrocodile you're right, I've been desperately lonely for years, and no, I can't imagine another 30 years of this. 10 has been dreadful.

OP posts:
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