Liking someone at work who likes someone else

[IsntAlwaysEasy]

Hi all,
I am male and 27 so I just hoped I’d be able to get some opinions from some females, and males if they have any good advice, about this horrible situation that I got myself in at work.

I’ve been single for 3 years and happily been going along single without really meeting anyone or having anything serious.

I’ve found myself in an office job, working next to and with a female coworker who in only 6 weeks I’ve been so so fond of, the kind of fondness that has you thinking about them many times through the day.

Now, it’s a tough one to work through because few weeks ago when we were new friends at work, we went got drinks and then week later then for some food, strictly platonic snd was a fun evening.

My issue is now I’ve let myself become pretty attached and now; seeing her keep speaking with another male colleague; taking lunches with him and when we’re in a group setting most of her attention is on him.
So this feels pretty nasty from my point of view. In the open world I’d step right away from her, and cut it all off. But the problem being I have to work with, sit next to, and engage with her throughout every day. And even though I really don’t want them to, the feelings just her stronger.
I’m only guessing she likes this other co worker, and I know when you’re in that fancy mentality you can have cloudy judgement but I feel sure

Have you any advice for me, if you were in her position, what would be your thoughts? How can I step away from her without ruining work or becoming a miserable bloke who doesn’t talk much at all.
:(
Thank you

Out of sight, out of mind is always a good first step. Can you move away from her so you're not sat next to her every day?

I think getting involved with someone who you work that closely with wouldn't be a good idea anyway (and that's coming from someone who does work with her DP, but our company is so large that I never see him in work)

My initial thought would be to tell her how you feel but I guess with you working together it could turn into a tricky situation if she doesn't feel the same..
Also could you be in a relationship with someone you work with? Seeing them all the time may prove a little difficult in the end..
Hmmm this is a hard one.. see how it goes, flirt a little, see if you get any vibes back.. Good luck op 🤞

Separate work and lust it doesn't mix well, Just try and tame the feelings and friendzone her.
Someone at my work has just come out and told me about his feelings for me, I'm horrified as the feelings aren't reciprocated, had to let him down now it's a bit awkward, just don't go there.
I'm guessing she doesn't feel the same as she's not wanting to lunch with you.
Focus on someone outside of work

If she was interested, she would have hinted at something by now. Never mention it to her, cool down the friendship to colleague status, and it will pass eventually. Not the most romantic advice, I'm afraid.

I would ask her to come to lunch or come for a drink with you and see how it goes. If she makes excuses and you don't get the feeling that she likes you back then friend zone her, go on dating apps and forget about her.

Firstly, a lot of this situation is in your own head. You don't know what her feelings are about you or about the other guy. Choosing to spend lunches with him isn't necessarily a sign of romantic interest. There may be a professional interest (networking, working together) or it may just be platonic. Or maybe it is romantic, it's a possibility - but just one.

I'm not saying this to encourage you to shoot your shot though... I'm a firm believer that work and romance should be kept separate. But if getting caught up in imagining worst-case scenarios and resigning yourself to defeat is a habit you'll do well to break. In life generally, not just romance.

I think you should actively start looking elsewhere for dates. Put yourself out there, meet new people, you'll soon find someone you like as much or more than a friendly colleague.

I don't know what your industry or career plan is but looking for a new job could be an idea as well? Unless you think this is your forever job? In my 20s most of my friends were constantly on the hunt for new jobs to move up the career ladder. I mean, don't do this just because you have a crush on a colleague, but if this is something you want to do anyway, and you find a new job, you'd certainly be free to ask her out.

To add to the other's posts, I also don't think your colleague is being necessarily nasty? She probably has no ideas about your feelings and it could all be one sided. She is also allowed to lunch with whoever she likes. That is not about your feelings and you're projecting this. Your feelings and hers are very separate so remove this view of nastiness as it sounds a little entitled. She may not even have feelings for you. It's only been six weeks! I think you should distract yourself and try dating elsewhere now you are more receptive of the idea than the last 3 years. Why not view it as this lady has helped open your mind to the possibility of dating again but that's all. This isn't it. I actually work with my partner and have done for 15 years. But in your case, I would say keep it separate. It seems possible you may find it hard to separate the two if you did go in too deep.

Get control of your emotions and focus on your job like you should be doing.

Not sure why you used the word nasty either. She's just at work trying to do her job.

Sorry for confusion, I wasn’t calling her nasty, I was describing the situation of seeing her following him about and having a laugh with him was nasty for me (unpleasant). Of course no blames on her.

I did suggest we go for a drink Friday and she then asked others too, but without much interest said let’s try do next week, so hint well received.

But still don’t understand how to reel in my feelings when I work directly with this girl every single day. I have such a perfect image of her it’s hard to ignore her and ‘be off’ with her as I feel she doesn’t deserve to be treated like that for nothing of her own doing. I’d just rather leave that little work social bubble it’s just so awkward

Just treat her like any other co worker. It really shouldn't be that hard.

Try your best to forget about your feelings.
Fake it until you make it. Treat her the way you would treat a woman who has a crush on you but you were not interested in her ( hopefully not unkind).

The perfect image you have of her isn’t real. Nobody is perfect. You’ve known her six weeks and sound like you’ve fallen hard for her. Have you heard of limerence? Google that.

Don’t be off with her, she doesn’t deserve that. Some of this may be down to you maybe feeling a bit lonely? So take steps to sort that out, try and meet someone else to take your mind off her, get dating, etc.

I don't get why you have to 'be off' with someone just because they aren't interested in you as more than a friend?

Just respect the fact she isn't interested, be polite and friendly like you would with any other colleague, and concentrate on work.

I know that sounds simplistic but once someone has made it clear they aren't interested in that way, like she has done (nicely, I might add - by not saying no to a drink but instead saying let's ask everyone - making it clear it's not going to be a date thing without being mean to you) you should be able to compartmentalise it to a degree.

In your life you'll meet people who are interested in you too and people who aren't. You don't need to be 'off' with the latter, you just need to be respectful of their boundaries.

As a PP said, it shouldn't be that difficult.

@IsntAlwaysEasy

Sorry for confusion, I wasn’t calling her nasty, I was describing the situation of seeing her following him about and having a laugh with him was nasty for me (unpleasant). Of course no blames on her.

I did suggest we go for a drink Friday and she then asked others too, but without much interest said let’s try do next week, so hint well received.

But still don’t understand how to reel in my feelings when I work directly with this girl every single day. I have such a perfect image of her it’s hard to ignore her and ‘be off’ with her as I feel she doesn’t deserve to be treated like that for nothing of her own doing. I’d just rather leave that little work social bubble it’s just so awkward

I have in the past had the occasional crush on somebody at work. I acted the same way around them as I did anyone else.

Accept that she isn't interested in you and be professional and civil.

Yeah noted, I don’t know why I internally sulk and feel I should ignore her, feels like I need to spite her even though she’s done nothing wrong and doesn’t deserve that. Perhaps an immature trait from myself but I can’t help the my mind works in that aspect. I haven’t ever been in this situation before so it’s a bit new. I guess after going out with her just is 2 a couple times I got a fake impression from my point of view and I’m just really disappointed.
Thanks for your advice. I’ll continue to treat her just like any other colleague.

That's good you've recognised that it's not a rational response.

As women, we experience in our lifetime so many instances where we are nice / kind / friendly to men and are then subjected to the 'being off' with us / sulking / genuine anger when we set a boundary and make it clear we don't want to have a romantic relationship with them.

It's frustrating, irritating and sometimes scary. It makes us feel as if we are doing something mean or nasty by simply being nice to men. And we are socially conditioned to then feel guilty about it when we really shouldn't have to feel that way.

Does that make sense? Hopefully by trying to see it from our POV, you can be aware in future and check your feelings on this.

It's good you've been open to recognising how entitled it is to feel that a woman basically saying 'no' in a nice way makes you feel cross with her enough that you by default, instinctively be 'off with her.!

I would not say to her you are interested in her in that way, issue is if she doesn't feel the same it is going to make working with her extremely awkward.

I agree with some of the other posters who have said to move away or perhaps keep your head down for a bit and see what happens. You could always maybe plant the seed and show her a subtle clue you COULD like her without actually saying it, and see how she takes it.

I don't nervy you. These situations are so difficult. Good luck

Envy*

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I completely understand, it’s just I’ve been single for so long, admittedly not putting myself out there cause I have been genuinely happy, then without looking for someone this girl comes onto the scene and everything about her seems what I like in a girl, and then we get friendly and hang out and now she’s obviously feeling the need to make it a bit clearer she’s just a friend. Maybe she has the feeling I’m starting to go across the line with my feelings and doing me a favour. It’s just the way she’s getting so close to someone else in my office everyday makes it even tougher.

But yeah this has made me realise she’s done everything in the nicest possible way, and I really need to stop being a miserable sulk with her, and I’m feeling bad about it. But I’m just scared i keep having laughs with her and long conversations I’m just getting in deeper and deeper.
Anyhow, can’t complain about much else in life so I’ll survive, just a rough mental challenge for the next few months I guess :(

And that's up to you - it's your burden to cope with any sad feelings about this, not hers. Which is why it would be so unfair to sort of punish her by being sulky or 'off' with her. It's such a shitty feeling as a woman to feel that every interaction with someone was only based on an ulterior motive (wanting a romantic relationship aka to shag us) and that we can't be nice or kind to a man without them assuming we want that.

Then if we aren't nice or kind we are labelled as stuck up or rude when it's based on previous experiences with various men in our lives.

It's not a woman's job by default to make men feel wanted and happy. You interact with lots of women on a daily basis (maybe every other woman at your work) in a nice, friendly way and likely none of them assume that means you want to shag them.

Acknowledging the male privilege attached to being offended / insulted / wronged / misled if a woman is nice because she's nice, not because she is wants to shag you will make you much happier in the long run.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

And that's up to you - it's your burden to cope with any sad feelings about this, not hers. Which is why it would be so unfair to sort of punish her by being sulky or 'off' with her. It's such a shitty feeling as a woman to feel that every interaction with someone was only based on an ulterior motive (wanting a romantic relationship aka to shag us) and that we can't be nice or kind to a man without them assuming we want that.

Then if we aren't nice or kind we are labelled as stuck up or rude when it's based on previous experiences with various men in our lives.

It's not a woman's job by default to make men feel wanted and happy. You interact with lots of women on a daily basis (maybe every other woman at your work) in a nice, friendly way and likely none of them assume that means you want to shag them.

Acknowledging the male privilege attached to being offended / insulted / wronged / misled if a woman is nice because she's nice, not because she is wants to shag you will make you much happier in the long run.

Excellent post.

And one all men should read.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Yes well said, I guess despite thinking I’m a nice understanding guy, I guess I have been guilty of feeling this way subconsciously the past couple days. But I’ve taken it on board and is sort of stuff I was looking to hear on this forum.
Perhaps if it gets worse for me, I can speak with management at work about moving further away in the office without any drama. But thank you.

You're welcome. I think challenging unconscious bias / entitlement can be incredibly valuable and really help people grow and mature.

I would recommend perhaps ordering the book 'women don't owe you pretty' to gain a further understanding of the female experience. Some of it may shock or challenge your preconceptions but that's how we all learn and grow.

The acknowledgment of entitlement will allow you to have equal, balanced and happy relationships in future as well as generally making you aware of the effects of your actions on women you interact with.

As I said, imagine feeling that if you're nice to any woman of any age / appearance / personality is by default attracted to you if you are simply pleasant to her. How stressful that might be, especially if those people are colleagues. How it might make you suspicious / stressed out / unsettled and second guessing your interactions with them.

That's what women often experience. And even as a gobby feminist who is lucky enough to be self employed and not really have to deal with office politics, it fucking sucks.

As I said, imagine feeling that if you're nice to any woman of any age / appearance / personality is by default attracted to you if you are simply pleasant to her.

I probably worded this poorly and meant:

As I said, imagine feeling that if you're nice to any woman of any age / appearance / personality is by default perceiving you to be wanting to shag you or leading you on if you are simply pleasant to her.