There's something seriously wrong if you don't want to have sex with your partner, isn't there?

[IHaveNoOneToTalkTo]

Name changed for this.

I actually feel so embarrassed and guilty for feeling the way that I do and I have no one in RL that I can share this with as I just don't feel comfortable.

I've been with my partner for 12 years, I was 22 when we met, and we have 1 DC together.

I haven't been happy for a long time but it's almost like I don't allow myself to feel like this, if the thought comes into my head I just try to push it out because I feel so, so guilty.

My partner and I have been through a lot these last few years, he's never really helped me out financially and has been quite nasty to me on occasion. He has also been lovely too and we have a very similar sense of humour, like the same music and films etc but I just don't feel like I can do this anymore. He keeps bringing up sex as we haven't had it for a while now but I just don't want to because a)He has always been quite selfish in bed and B) I'm not sure the attraction in there anymore.

The thing is I don't think he would take me seriously if I brought this up, it would also end in a huge argument because he seems to really enjoy arguing. We have had arguments and I've said I'm not happy in the heat of the moment and that's all he thinks it is, either that or he's ignoring it.

I feel so trapped and I don't know what to do. I feel like such an awful person and I feel so guilty.

Any advice is welcomed and thanks for reading. I hope it makes sense.

As in he doesn't care if I finish. He says he does but he never makes the effort, it's all about him.

I don't think I've got very much self worth and that's why I've stayed. I just don't know how to get out of it now, it's been too long.

There is nothing wrong with you! You are feeling this way because he is not treating you well.

So if you have sex with him just to shut him up everything will be alright?

Fuck that OP You need to be deciding where to go from here.

Okay, love, you have two problems here.

Number 1 is that your husband doesn't listen to you, because he doesn't care about your feelings or see them as being as valid as his. This is a serious issue, but it's not the main problem. You recognise that your husband isn't showing care for your needs, or the needs of his child. Basically, as you say, he is selfish, disrespectful and irresponsible. He may well say he cares for you and your child, but his words only tell you how he wants you to see him – his actions are what tells you what he's really like.

Number 2 problem – and this is the really big problem – is that YOU are not listening to you either, because you don't care about your feelings or see them as being as valid as his. I mean, you already know this, it's right there in your first post. You know you're unhappy. You know your husband doesn't treat you in a caring and respectful way, and he's being an irresponsible father.

But for some reason – maybe the low self-esteem you mention, which might be caused by your shitty relationship, but probably goes back further – where do you think you first learned that what you want isn't as important as what other people want from you?

The good news is that even though you are not in the habit of listening to yourself MUCH, your sense of self-worth and self-preservation is still active inside you, still trying to point you away from your husband and towards a place where you can build your own happiness. That nagging sense that "This isn't right" is your own true self shouting "ANYONE WHO TELLS ME THAT THIS IS GOOD ENOUGH IS WRONG! I AM WORTH MORE THAN THIS SHITTY TREATMENT!"

Stop listening to your husband! Start listening to yourself! You know what is good for you, and you know it's not this. It's not selfish to move away from what makes you unhappy, and towards something that makes you happier. You only get one life. Don't spend it catering to someone who doesn't appreciate what you offer.

Major red flag hun xx

Your body is telling you he is an arse OP— there are many reasons women don’t want sex and the partner being an arse isn’t always the reason- in your case it is

What a sad waste of your life. Leave him and get court ordered maintenance.

I've ended it. I feel absolutely horrible and sad but it had to he done.

Well done

Well done and make sure he pays child support.

Well done, some of could only wish to be so brave xx

Fantastic news op, you're doing the right thing, can you see a solicitor, down offer half an hour free. Understand how things stand financially.

Honestly you'll be happier and richer without him, focus on making you abs you dc happy. Onwards and upwards

Wow, well done for being brave. Even in a bad relationship it’s still difficult to actually end it. Sending you strength for the task ahead. I promise you it will be worth it.

Well done. That’s brave

Well done. xxx

Well done. It sounds like a good decision.

Well done for putting yourself and your child first.

@Pinkbonbon

I wouldn't want to shag him either. Let alone stay married to him.

You arent am awful person. You just dont want to admit to yourself that your partner is a cold, empty, soul sucking asshole.

Give yourself permission not to waste any more years on someone who treats you with contempt. Life is too short!

I agree with this, the not wanting sex is a result of a deeper disconnection that your subconscious is feeling I think. Its hard to actually admit to yourself that you no longer love your husband, took me 3 years of making excuses to myself before I actually realised this

Oh wow just seen the update!
You will experience alot of emotions and guilt in the coming months BUT it does get easier and stick with it. 2 years post leaving here and never felt happier!