Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

There's something seriously wrong if you don't want to have sex with your partner, isn't there?

45 replies

IHaveNoOneToTalkTo · 07/09/2021 19:12

Name changed for this.

I actually feel so embarrassed and guilty for feeling the way that I do and I have no one in RL that I can share this with as I just don't feel comfortable.

I've been with my partner for 12 years, I was 22 when we met, and we have 1 DC together.

I haven't been happy for a long time but it's almost like I don't allow myself to feel like this, if the thought comes into my head I just try to push it out because I feel so, so guilty.

My partner and I have been through a lot these last few years, he's never really helped me out financially and has been quite nasty to me on occasion. He has also been lovely too and we have a very similar sense of humour, like the same music and films etc but I just don't feel like I can do this anymore. He keeps bringing up sex as we haven't had it for a while now but I just don't want to because a)He has always been quite selfish in bed and B) I'm not sure the attraction in there anymore.

The thing is I don't think he would take me seriously if I brought this up, it would also end in a huge argument because he seems to really enjoy arguing. We have had arguments and I've said I'm not happy in the heat of the moment and that's all he thinks it is, either that or he's ignoring it.

I feel so trapped and I don't know what to do. I feel like such an awful person and I feel so guilty.

Any advice is welcomed and thanks for reading. I hope it makes sense.

OP posts:
TowandaForever · 07/09/2021 19:13

Can you not talk to him
About his selfishness in bed?

OrlandointheWilderness · 07/09/2021 19:14

Is there any good reason you are still with him?!? I'm not hearing much of one tbh!

HotPenguin · 07/09/2021 19:16

I think there are plenty of reasons you might not want to have sex (hormones, trauma after childbirth, lack of body confidence etc) but in this case it sounds like there are some quite serious wider issues. What do you mean by not helping you financially?

Pinkbonbon · 07/09/2021 19:17

I wouldn't want to shag him either.
Let alone stay married to him.

You arent am awful person. You just dont want to admit to yourself that your partner is a cold, empty, soul sucking asshole.

Give yourself permission not to waste any more years on someone who treats you with contempt. Life is too short!

Original poster
IHaveNoOneToTalkTo · 07/09/2021 19:17

I know, I think the fact we've been together for such a long time isn't helping. I'm also so sick of this guilty feeling I have.

I have spoken to him in the past about his selfishness in bed but it never changes.

OP posts:
Original poster
IHaveNoOneToTalkTo · 07/09/2021 19:19

@HotPenguin

I think there are plenty of reasons you might not want to have sex (hormones, trauma after childbirth, lack of body confidence etc) but in this case it sounds like there are some quite serious wider issues. What do you mean by not helping you financially?
My DC is nearly 7.

I am a SAHM, I'm actually a carer for my child as they have complex needs. He has never helped me out with money, ever. And I don't think he thinks it's his responsibility to.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 07/09/2021 19:22

In the short term it doesn't necessarily mean anything more than the ups and downs of life, but the short term does turn into the long term and then yes it can threaten the relationship.

I do wonder whether it's worth you trying relationship counselling. It doesn't sound as if you feel heard in the relationship and I do think it's possible that at the very least you could both communicate better.

If he won't listen to the idea (SO many men resist it until it's too late) maybe try writing it down?

Mamette · 07/09/2021 19:26

And I don't think he thinks it's his responsibility to.

How could he think this? You have given up work to care for the child you have together. How can he not feel responsible?

Maybe you are angry with him. I would be.

SignOnTheWindow · 07/09/2021 19:27

You and he have a child together, you live together and he doesn't contribute to his child or even feel he needs to?!
He sounds despicable and I'm not surprised you don't want to have sex with him.

Original poster
IHaveNoOneToTalkTo · 07/09/2021 19:27

@Mamette

And I don't think he thinks it's his responsibility to.

How could he think this? You have given up work to care for the child you have together. How can he not feel responsible?

Maybe you are angry with him. I would be.

I am angry I think, but also really sad. I don't know how I've gotten myself into this mess.
OP posts:
Original poster
IHaveNoOneToTalkTo · 07/09/2021 19:32

Just to clarify he does contribute to food and he used to buy nappies and formula but that's it. I don't think he's ever bought my child clothes and I don't see a penny of his money.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 07/09/2021 19:39

Well this is a fine mess you've got into isn't it op!
I wish we could jump through our phones with some gin and hugs for you. Seems like you might be needing some for the realisations to come now that you've been brave enough to open pandoras box.

On the bright side, the people here are excellent and can definately talk you through next steps. If and when you are ready. But know this op, your feelings are absolutely valid. And you deserve better. And it's never too late to make different choices for how you want your life to be.

litterbird · 07/09/2021 19:45

"don't think he's ever bought my child clothes"

" I'm actually a carer for my child "

These are 2 interesting quotes....you say MY child in both incidences. You have already separated yourself and your child away from your husband. You are half way there for total separation. Your sub conscious has already made the leap. Can you find some part time work around the needs of your child? It doesn't look like you are married but if you separate you can claim child maintenance etc etc. I think this has been brewing for a very long time and now you need to take a leap of faith and re evaluate your whole life right now. Do some research in to what you can claim if you went solo.

middlingmess · 07/09/2021 20:09

Your problem isn't lack of sex, your problem is the entire 'relationship'.
Have you ever had therapy? I think you would find it useful, and a step to moving on completely from this man.
You only have one life.

HollowTalk · 07/09/2021 21:33

Who pays the rent? Do you pay all bills yourself?

QueenBee52 · 07/09/2021 21:41

@middlingmess

Your problem isn't lack of sex, your problem is the entire 'relationship'. Have you ever had therapy? I think you would find it useful, and a step to moving on completely from this man. You only have one life.

yip

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 07/09/2021 21:45

I mean, who WOULD want to have sex with someone who is selfish in literally every way, with his money and with pleasure too? And who doesn't do a damned thing for his child or the mother of his child that he allegedly loves? Only a flaming masochist would be up for it in those circumstances.

Your body is telling you the truth; he's shit and you need shot of him. What are you actually living off?!

Mischance · 07/09/2021 21:48

Ditch the guilt - unless you can list one item about which you should feel guilty - I have not yet seen one in your posts.

This is a dead relationship - why should you feel guilty about it? You are not suited.

Wide · 07/09/2021 21:53

Oh ive just done my own thread, similar age to you with dcs, husband always complaining I don't make effort yo have sex but he is absolutely shit with money and lies about it so I've turned bitter, howcan you want to be soft and affectionate to someone who is so selfsh!

Original poster
IHaveNoOneToTalkTo · 07/09/2021 22:22

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

I mean, who WOULD want to have sex with someone who is selfish in literally every way, with his money and with pleasure too? And who doesn't do a damned thing for his child or the mother of his child that he allegedly loves? Only a flaming masochist would be up for it in those circumstances.

Your body is telling you the truth; he's shit and you need shot of him. What are you actually living off?!

Child benefit
OP posts:
TowandaForever · 07/09/2021 22:46

Does you child receive dla?

Elieza · 07/09/2021 22:52

You will be financially better off without that selfish arse.

You deserve better. You’re still young. You have your whole life ahead. Time to call it a day. He won’t change. He doesn’t want to. He just wants a skivvy who will keep house and shag him when he wants it. Lovely.

Why do you still want to be with him? Is there any reason at all?

I’d seek advice on benefits. Whose name is the rental in? If his then you’d be as well going. If yours then he can go.

Don’t think he’s better than nothing. Or better the devil you know. Or he’s not that bad really, sometimes he’s quite nice.

No.

He’s not the one. Move on. You are strong. You can do it.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/09/2021 22:53

Why on earth are you feeling guilty? I wouldn't want sex with a man like like either.
i need to feel loved and cherished before I feel like having sex.

Justcashnosweets · 07/09/2021 22:56

I wouldn't have sex with him either, the selfish prick.

Anordinarymum · 07/09/2021 22:56

You say he is selfish in bed. In what way? If he is like this why did you stay with him?
I might be being thick here, but surely sexual compatibility is a major factor in a relationship?

Swipe left for the next trending thread