Hello everyone,
I am new here. Still in so much shock and feel sick to my stomach. Found out on Sunday that my partner has messaged prostitutes. The messages were asking where they are based, no replies but I assume they would have called him but I was in so much shock I didn’t check his call log.
We got engaged very recently, and I felt he had been acting strange (late nights, not coming home until early hours etc). He works in the hospitality industry so late nights are to be expected, but most of these were him staying out with colleagues after work and drinking until early hours. I felt suspicious and hurt at how distant he appeared, and fearing he wouldn’t be honest with me, I snooped on his phone. When I confronted him in hysterics with what I had found, he said he had no intention of actually meeting them, it’s a fantasy thing and an extra buzz when he’s drunk and high on cocaine. He also mentioned it’s a form of escapism when he’s struggling with difficult things in his life. The cocaine abuse is a massive issue which we have discussed before and he has promised to stop but hasn’t. All of his mates do it, and I guess he is too easily tempted.
I am now left feeling devastated. I was on cloud nine when he proposed and I accepted, we have been together 3 years and this is the man I have planned my life and future around. He has always been so attentive, supportive, loving and kind. I think the main issue is the drug use which stems from issues in his past.
He has been very apologetic and swears to me that he hasn’t met any of the prostitutes and he keeps saying he’ll stop going out and attend therapy/counselling. But I am not sure if this is something I can move past as much as I love him and want to believe him. I have given him so many opportunities to talk about fantasies, our sex life etc, and he’s always said he is satisfied. I have also mentioned on many occasions how unhappy I am that he stays out so much drinking and that has also continued. It hurts that he doesn’t respect me enough to come home at a sensible hour. My concern is that his fantasy is having sex with strangers as it’s exciting (which he briefly mentioned during blazing rows over all this) which concerns me as that isn’t a fantasy I can satisfy, or being in a relationship with anyone can satisfy unless it’s an open relationship of course.
It’s a fantasy he’s taken one step too far and I feel disrespected, betrayed and so depressed. I don’t know whether to give him a second chance and try to work through his problems. Everyone makes mistakes and he is only human, but I feel deep down this is a dealbreaker for me, I find people looking to use prostitutes as so illicit and degrading. The whole situation has really impacted my self-esteem and I am feeling very insecure. I have barely eaten since I found out and feel sick. Does anyone have any advice having been in a similar situation? I know some people will say just leave him, but I would really appreciate balanced views and opinions.