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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner has messaged prostitutes

118 replies

Lh1993 · 07/09/2021 16:36

Hello everyone,
I am new here. Still in so much shock and feel sick to my stomach. Found out on Sunday that my partner has messaged prostitutes. The messages were asking where they are based, no replies but I assume they would have called him but I was in so much shock I didn’t check his call log.

We got engaged very recently, and I felt he had been acting strange (late nights, not coming home until early hours etc). He works in the hospitality industry so late nights are to be expected, but most of these were him staying out with colleagues after work and drinking until early hours. I felt suspicious and hurt at how distant he appeared, and fearing he wouldn’t be honest with me, I snooped on his phone. When I confronted him in hysterics with what I had found, he said he had no intention of actually meeting them, it’s a fantasy thing and an extra buzz when he’s drunk and high on cocaine. He also mentioned it’s a form of escapism when he’s struggling with difficult things in his life. The cocaine abuse is a massive issue which we have discussed before and he has promised to stop but hasn’t. All of his mates do it, and I guess he is too easily tempted.
I am now left feeling devastated. I was on cloud nine when he proposed and I accepted, we have been together 3 years and this is the man I have planned my life and future around. He has always been so attentive, supportive, loving and kind. I think the main issue is the drug use which stems from issues in his past.
He has been very apologetic and swears to me that he hasn’t met any of the prostitutes and he keeps saying he’ll stop going out and attend therapy/counselling. But I am not sure if this is something I can move past as much as I love him and want to believe him. I have given him so many opportunities to talk about fantasies, our sex life etc, and he’s always said he is satisfied. I have also mentioned on many occasions how unhappy I am that he stays out so much drinking and that has also continued. It hurts that he doesn’t respect me enough to come home at a sensible hour. My concern is that his fantasy is having sex with strangers as it’s exciting (which he briefly mentioned during blazing rows over all this) which concerns me as that isn’t a fantasy I can satisfy, or being in a relationship with anyone can satisfy unless it’s an open relationship of course.
It’s a fantasy he’s taken one step too far and I feel disrespected, betrayed and so depressed. I don’t know whether to give him a second chance and try to work through his problems. Everyone makes mistakes and he is only human, but I feel deep down this is a dealbreaker for me, I find people looking to use prostitutes as so illicit and degrading. The whole situation has really impacted my self-esteem and I am feeling very insecure. I have barely eaten since I found out and feel sick. Does anyone have any advice having been in a similar situation? I know some people will say just leave him, but I would really appreciate balanced views and opinions.

OP posts:
PugMumm · 07/09/2021 18:08

@Babdoc

Oh OP, you poor soul. What has gone wrong with your self esteem that you could even consider a drunk coke head who contacts prostitutes, as a suitable life partner? Please read your post and think what you would say to a stranger writing that. I think you need counselling, to work on your boundaries, confidence, and view of relationships.
This.
Lh1993 · 07/09/2021 18:11

What I’m struggling to understand is how someone can be so loving, incredible to me, propose to me and plan all these amazing things yet be doing this secretly? I just don’t understand and I can’t get my head around it. was it all a lie? Does he want his cake and to eat it?

OP posts:
SW1amp · 07/09/2021 18:13

There was a thread on here a while back where a former sex worker answered questions

One of the posters asked her how often someone made a booking and didn’t turn up, or turned up and then decided they couldn’t go through with it

She said virtually never to both questions, and she had been working as a prostitute for many years

Yet every single man who gets caught says he never went through with it, backed out etc

Make of that what you will…

PugMumm · 07/09/2021 18:14

@Lh1993

What I’m struggling to understand is how someone can be so loving, incredible to me, propose to me and plan all these amazing things yet be doing this secretly? I just don’t understand and I can’t get my head around it. was it all a lie? Does he want his cake and to eat it?
You have said it- he wants his cake.

Only you know how you feel OP and you know your limits but this is not normal behaviour and not of someone who loves you to go behind your back and contact prostitutes, not to mention the drug habit. How do you know he's not slept with any of these prostitutes?

Lh1993 · 07/09/2021 18:15

Yes I was aware of the drugs but didn’t realise the extent of it. Maybe I am a fool and should have woken up to all this sooner but I loved him and I guess got swept up in the ideal of being happy with someone and finding the one. For the most part of our relationship he has been incredible and we have shared so many happy times and memories with no problems or suspicions. Thanks for all your advice and comments on this. I am scared but I know I could never trust him again and the thought of having sex again with him makes me feel sick.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/09/2021 18:16

@SW1amp

There was a thread on here a while back where a former sex worker answered questions

One of the posters asked her how often someone made a booking and didn’t turn up, or turned up and then decided they couldn’t go through with it

She said virtually never to both questions, and she had been working as a prostitute for many years

Yet every single man who gets caught says he never went through with it, backed out etc

Make of that what you will…

Exactly. Or if there is irrefutable evidence they did it, they just happened to get found out the first and only time they went...

Funny that.

See this as a stroke of luck in a way OP - before being tied to this man with a baby or marriage, you've got the chance to get out and make a new life with someone decent who doesn't see women as a commodities and waste money on drugs and lie about everything.

I would gently suggest some counselling to help build up your resilience and raise your standards before you start dating again. There are great men out there who don't lie, cheat and make you feel shit, there really are. You need to get your head straight and grieve this relationship, process it all before you start dating again.

Then you'll be ready for someone who deserves you.

myheartskippedabeat · 07/09/2021 18:18

@Lh1993

Yes I was aware of the drugs but didn’t realise the extent of it. Maybe I am a fool and should have woken up to all this sooner but I loved him and I guess got swept up in the ideal of being happy with someone and finding the one. For the most part of our relationship he has been incredible and we have shared so many happy times and memories with no problems or suspicions. Thanks for all your advice and comments on this. I am scared but I know I could never trust him again and the thought of having sex again with him makes me feel sick.
You honestly move on from this you deserve better and you'll find better Don't forgive and let him back in he'll take that as it's ok to do this again as he will think you'll forgive him and how do you not know he's not already been with prostitutes? You'll never know the truth as he's lied to you and you deserve better
Outfoxedbyrabbits · 07/09/2021 18:19

Thank your lucky stars you have discovered this before getting married, and presumably before joining finances (for example by buying a house together) or having children. There are women in a similar situation to you in terms of what they have recently discovered about their partners but who are tied to them by one or more of the above factors who would give anything, anything, to be in your position of being able to walk away without those complications to deal with as part of a separation. They will be wishing desperately that they knew before becoming more entangled in the relationship, because then it would be so much less complicated for them to leave.

The cocaine abuse is a massive issue which we have discussed before and he has promised to stop but hasn’t.

I have also mentioned on many occasions how unhappy I am that he stays out so much drinking and that has also continued. It hurts that he doesn’t respect me enough to come home at a sensible hour.

I don’t know whether to give him a second chance and try to work through his problems.

You have already given him many, many second chances. He will never change. He has had many, many chances to do so before today.

Of course he is not going to be honest and say to you, "I have no intention of giving up cocaine, or drinking so much, or respecting your reasonable requests for me to come home at a reasonable hour. I have been using prostitutes for our entire relationship (cheaters only ever confess to what you can prove, I would be amazed if he isn't an habitual user) and plan to continue to do so after some light grovelling, only this time I will hide it better." At least, he will not say this with words - but it is what his actions say, isn't it?

In some scenarios there is no "balanced viewpoint". Some things really are back and white. This is one of them.

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 07/09/2021 18:21

Ditch him, he's no good.

You'll survive by taking one moment at a time. And you'll win. Your life will be far better without him that it could be if you stayed with him.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/09/2021 18:27

@Lh1993

What I’m struggling to understand is how someone can be so loving, incredible to me, propose to me and plan all these amazing things yet be doing this secretly? I just don’t understand and I can’t get my head around it. was it all a lie? Does he want his cake and to eat it?
Sorry to sound so harsh, but - does it matter how/why he uses cocaine and prostitutes? Isn't the fact that he does use cocaine/prostitutes enough on it's own?

There is a danger, if you focus on the how/why, that you will stop paying attention to what he actually does. And then you will end up tied to a man who uses cocaine/prostitutes. So stop torturing yourself to 'understand' how he can be so two-faced. He just is.

"All of his mates do it, and I guess he is too easily tempted."
That alone shows that he is not a keeper. Easily led, has to keep up with 'the boys' - no, not a keeperSad.

Be grateful for the silver lining in all this - you found out before you married him. You found out before you had children with him. You found out before you were tied to him and he had a chance to grind you down with his continued use of cocaine and prostitutes. Because the chance of him stopping are pretty much nil. He is too easily tempted. I'm sure he will make great declarations that he will give it all up if only you will forgive him. He won't. So don't.

Look after yourself OP. This will involve breaking off the engagement and stepping back from him.

nananacomeon · 07/09/2021 18:30

I left my ex for various reasons.

Then discovered he was messaging and seeing sex workers. Doesn't pay csa.

Total dick.

He was with a sex worker. They have a child together.

She's just binned him off because he was messaging sex workers. Still not paying either of us csa.

Presumably still seeing sex workers.

For these men or for my ex it's not about the sex it seems to be about the transaction. I.e I earn so much I can afford it and I expect the best. It's about the status. Or what they imagine the status to be.

Same goes for takeaways with him. He can't be happy with a just eat, it has to be from a restaurant that he rates or with clothes, it has to be Ralph Lauren. Or Hugo boss.

Poor comparison I know but that's what he is like.

Like I said dickhead.

LadyLolaRuben · 07/09/2021 18:40

@Lh1993

What I’m struggling to understand is how someone can be so loving, incredible to me, propose to me and plan all these amazing things yet be doing this secretly? I just don’t understand and I can’t get my head around it. was it all a lie? Does he want his cake and to eat it?
Because he knows the person he wants to be, the person he presents himself to you as. But, deep down he isn't that person and he cant keep pretending. He's being himself behind your back. Eventually the mask will drop he'll be himself to your face because he cant act like someone else forever. If you marry him it will get worse as he shows you who he really is. I know its difficult but leave him now as it'll only get harder x
Dinkydonk55 · 07/09/2021 18:48

I’m so sorry he sounds like a loser, do you n think you deserve better? The cocaine abuse never mind anything else

EverNapping · 07/09/2021 19:59

Right now you are not a fool.

Addicts, whatever their vice, are very smart at hiding their addictions and the lengths they've sunk to. Take it from an addict.

If you do not leave him & continue a relationship with him, that would be very foolish.

These things very, very rarely get better.

IsThePopeCatholic · 07/09/2021 20:12

Being an addict is one thing; using prostitues is another. Some people may love someone enough to feel that they will support the addict to become clean. However, if he is not even being faithful to you, op, I really don’t see the point of this relationship. You are never going to be able to trust this man. You deserve so much more. Good luck!

MsDogLady · 07/09/2021 20:55

I have also mentioned on many occasions how unhappy I am that he stays out so much drinking and that has continued.

OP, he was riding roughshod over your boundaries—abusing alcohol and behaving like a single man returning at all hours—even before you discovered his pursuit of sex workers and continued cocaine abuse.

Walk away, OP. This man will diminish you beyond recognition if you stay.

katemuff · 07/09/2021 21:27

He's never going to change OP. I worked in hospitality for a long time and there is a significant minority who use their working hours as an excuse for a sordid lifestyle. He WANTS to drink, take drugs and use prostitutes. He must despise women as he is in effect having - and has admitted fantasising about having sex with women who do not want to have sex with him. Why does he do that? Why does he think it is ok? Because he is a horrible man, move on and get away before you are in even deeper.

Lightlady · 07/09/2021 22:12

Why would you want to give a chance to a man who thinks consent can be bought or who contacts prostitutes when there are men who would never do that
Being with someone who respects you is a far better option . Being single would be a far better option I believe

Lh1993 · 07/09/2021 22:45

You are right. I think I will officially resign myself to a life of being single and celibate. I know it sounds extremely overdramatic compared to situations others are in, but I feel traumatised by all of this to the point I really don’t think I could ever let my guard down to trust someone again. Thanks for your views it’s given me a lot to think about and process. I still feel sick to my stomach and I think will really struggle to sleep again tonight but I know I can get through this I am strong and I am in a position financially to walk away. And I am very fortunate for that at least. I never knew the extent of the drug taking or else of course I wouldn’t have accepted his proposal. I thought it was maybe a now and again thing, not a serious addiction. He knows how seriously he has fucked up and I think it’s starting to sink in for him that it’s something I won’t be able to move past. Even if I could, I asked him would he be prepared emotionally and mentally for what that would mean? It would be extremely hard work and would he be willing to give up the drinking and going out for a partner who no longer trusts him?
No - he wouldn’t be prepared to deal with it, and I’m not either. I am worth so much more and I deserve so much better in this life.

OP posts:
CorianderBee · 07/09/2021 23:02

God leave him before you're legally tied to a drug using, prostitute contacting man who wants a 'buzz' from sex with paid women and who dismisses your concerns, acts distant and stays out with his mates all the time.

The whole man needs to be thrown away! He won't ever change...

ANameChangeAgain · 07/09/2021 23:05

I stopped reading at cocaine. Dump.

Lightlady · 08/09/2021 01:22

You feel at the moment that you will never be able to let your guard down to someone new and that’s completely understandable and normal but in time maybe you will
Focus on yourself and don’t worry too much about men for now would probably be best . Just some self care and maybe find someone you can trust to talk with Flowers

TheWeatherWitch · 08/09/2021 01:53

I know some people will say just leave him, but I would really appreciate balanced views and opinions

My opinion is, he has destroyed the trust. Without trust there is no relationship. I’d advise you go for an std test as soon as you dump him. He’s a liar, a drug user and he’s messaging prostitutes, he’s not exactly a ‘catch’ is he!

You deserve so much better but you can only find better if you get rid of him. I hope you have someone you can talk to in real life.

DamnThatHitsHome · 08/09/2021 02:15

@Lh1993

You are right. I think I will officially resign myself to a life of being single and celibate. I know it sounds extremely overdramatic compared to situations others are in, but I feel traumatised by all of this to the point I really don’t think I could ever let my guard down to trust someone again. Thanks for your views it’s given me a lot to think about and process. I still feel sick to my stomach and I think will really struggle to sleep again tonight but I know I can get through this I am strong and I am in a position financially to walk away. And I am very fortunate for that at least. I never knew the extent of the drug taking or else of course I wouldn’t have accepted his proposal. I thought it was maybe a now and again thing, not a serious addiction. He knows how seriously he has fucked up and I think it’s starting to sink in for him that it’s something I won’t be able to move past. Even if I could, I asked him would he be prepared emotionally and mentally for what that would mean? It would be extremely hard work and would he be willing to give up the drinking and going out for a partner who no longer trusts him? No - he wouldn’t be prepared to deal with it, and I’m not either. I am worth so much more and I deserve so much better in this life.
Hi OP, I've been in a similar situation myself and didn't want to reply but feel I have to, having read this.

I completely empathise with how you feel, as I was exactly the same. Stupidly, mine was 'contacting' them for years- each time I'd find another message, he'd swear blind it never went further, I'd give him another chance- I was an absolute mug. His bank account showed frequent huge cash withdrawals coinciding with trips away, or messages, and even with irrefutable evidence he tried to deny (he only ever admitted to one- utter bullshit).

Stupidly I tried to make it work with him, but couldn't bring myself to have sex with him and it inevitably failed.

Even more stupidly, 3 years on, we're giving things another go- would never recommend that in a million years to anyone though!

Honestly, quit while you're ahead- he is lying to you, and even if he hasn't yet gone through with it (which is 100% a lie), it's only a matter of time. Sadly it escalates from just googling, to messaging, to BJs, to full on sex.

It's utterly shite and it breaks my heart to think that other people have to go through what I went through- I found it especially hurtful thinking of how little respect he clearly had for women in difficult circumstances who he chose to 'purchase', when I fell in love with him largely because he seemed so respectful and trustworthy.

It took me a good couple of years before I could even consider dating anyone else, but that's ok- it's healthy to take time to yourself after this and learn to be confident independently.

I still don't feel like I will ever be able to trust a man again, or be in a normal pure relationship, but from what I have heard from others, actually you can find that again later down the line so I live in hope Smile

Really sorry that it's so shit right now, but I know full well that I would have been much, much better off if I'd given up on him when I first found out, rather than dragging it out and keeping on trying, and I look back with sadness that I didn't have the self respect and determination to do so. It's a slippery slope if you allow it once, because then where do you draw the line? I kept redrawing the line over and over out of sheer desperation and I wouldn't want that for anyone else.

Susannahmoody · 08/09/2021 02:41

Get rid op for sure. Do you cohabit?