Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you deal with the controlling ExH who is manipulating our DD

43 replies

mug2018 · 07/09/2021 12:11

I'll try to keep this short (as I could rant forever )
Divorced ExH over 2 years ago.
DD now aged 14
ExH on 4th girlfriend since divorce ( auctioned his house & moved in with the 3rd gf 6 wks after mtg only for her to kick him out 4 wks later
Poor DD dragged into each of his relationships with a week of him mtg new gf's & she lives & breathes each one of his many dramas (hates job / no friends/ no money / in debt / hates his rental etc etc)

I am the polar opposite : good job, nice home, paid for holiday home, sociable & in an amazing relationship with my partner now for 18 months

My DD really likes my new partner. He's fun, considerate, supportive & great with my DD

We kept our relationship separate from my DD whilst she took time to accept sharing me & is really cool with it now. She's constantly planning things for us to do as a 3: family meals, weekends away, days out etc

However (& here is my issue) - her dad "won't allow her" to spend time with my partner & I

DD lives with me & see her dad regularly but he is horrible to her about my partner ( making up lies) (he has never met my partner)
He sends me abusive messages with lies about partner & claims DD is frightened of him / bullied by him etc

When I've spoken to DD about it & her feelings, she just says daddy is jealous & making things up

How do I handle this?
I feel my DD is missing out on so much cos she's not 'allowed' to have fun time with me

.... Argh .. He is such a controlling manipulative narcissistic

OP posts:
Comedycook · 07/09/2021 12:13

Sorry I'm really confused. If she lives with you, then how does her dad not allow her to spend time with you Confused

Quartz2208 · 07/09/2021 12:14

Does your DD want to spend time with and meet him if she is aware that Daddy is jealous and making things up? If she is planning them why cant you do them.

What is it that you are afraid of if you do. It seems as if this is about YOU and him rather than your DD

Gardenlass · 07/09/2021 12:15

I don't quite understand how your ex can prevent your daughter from having fun with you and your partner, especially as she lives with you. Am I missing something?

NoYOUbekind · 07/09/2021 12:16

Have you altered her age to make it non-identifiable (which is totally fine, obviously). Because honestly at 14, she's old enough to decide who she wants to spend time with, whether that's her dad or your partner. I would really tune into what she wants to happen over contact and let her do what she wants.

Ignore and block him. Why are you getting messages from him - it's not like sharing contact with a baby, you literally do not need to hear from him ever again.

lunar1 · 07/09/2021 12:19

Do you live with your partner?

Original poster
mug2018 · 07/09/2021 19:16

Quick fire answers:
I don't live with my partner
DD sees her dad when he says. If she doesn't go or chooses to stay with me for the weekend he kicks off at her: threatens to
leave so she never sees him again
Give her 2 puppies away
Drive off a cliff
Turns on the emotional abuse so she feels sorry for him

If she says she's doing anything with me (regardless of whether it includes my partner or not) he he makes up lies & is nasty to her about me

This post isn't about what I want but about how I support a child with an emotionally abusive parent who has no consideration for her feelings

An example, she stayed with her dad for a week in school holidays (over her birthday) & despite her pleas to see me on her birthday, even for just an hour, he point blank refused to let her come.

OP posts:
femfemlicious · 07/09/2021 19:20

Wow why are you allowing him to do this to her

mineofuselessinformation · 07/09/2021 19:23

How do you deal with it?
You have a conversation with her, asking her how she feels about her relationship with her dad as an opener. Don't ask leading questions, but gently probe around her dad manipulating her - does she really think he would give her kittens away? How would she like things to be re visiting her dad? etc. FWIW, I would keep your relationship out of the conversation unless she brings it up.
Unless she's a very young 14, she'll be starting to realise what's going on.
At that age, he can't force her to go to see him unless she wants to, and you can support her in telling her dad if she wants things to change.
(No court in the land would force a child of this age to see a NRP against their wishes or under coercion.)

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 07/09/2021 19:28

Is there a court order? If not, she is old enough to make her mind up and your ex needs to be told if she wants to see her mother on her birthday she will or she won't be going to him.

He is at fault but it's your daughter suffering so you need to come down hard on this, but boundaries in place and they should be child (teenage) led. The courts take the same view if there is no interference from the resident parent.

NowEvenBetter · 07/09/2021 19:37

What have you done to prevent him abusing your child so far? Have you not taken him to court about it? Is the child in therapy yet?

singlemummanurse · 07/09/2021 19:44

It might be worth watching some programmes about manipulation, coercive control and emotional abuse. Seeing it play out on screen and how it's wrong and OK to cut ties with someone who threatens suicide whenever things don't go their way etc. I've not personally seen them but apparently the I am series on channel 4 are really good. They are relationship rather than parental but seeing similar behaviour patterns may resonate and make her more aware of what her dad is doing. Maybe watch some programmes/films where people have cut off toxic family/friends or if she likes books a ya book that has a heroine deal with a toxic home environment and cut off their abusers? May let her see things a bit more clearly and open up dialogue on these types of situations. Even the ones about abusive relationships and talking about coercive control in general without relaying it back to her dad (as is an important convo for teenagers starting to explore relationships anyway) and just planting seeds and letting her come to the realisation that what her dad is doing is emotional abuse and she is allowed to distance/cut off even if it is her dad.
Women's aid might be worth speaking to aswell as they may have resources or advice. Maybe nspcc might have resources as well.

RandomMess · 07/09/2021 19:57

Hit man??

Obviously not a serious suggestion but how I feel for your and her Thanks

I agree she needs a therapist that is very aware of how to support people dealing with emotional abuse.

How often would she like to see him?

Quartz2208 · 07/09/2021 20:23

She doesnt need to go OP - she needs I think to be helped to stop going and a therapist to deal with all of this

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 07/09/2021 20:27

Fuck off covers it op..
He has no right whatsoever to dictate to you..
You are being a bloody mug to take any notice!!

Excelthetube · 07/09/2021 20:30

Has she got a therapist

Cocopogo · 07/09/2021 20:34

Go and collect her puppies, if you want them and block him.

legoriakelne · 07/09/2021 20:36

She is not a child with an emotionally abusive parent, she is a child who is being abused by her parent.

That sounds horrific for her.

Does her school know?

legoriakelne · 07/09/2021 20:37

@Quartz2208

She doesnt need to go OP - she needs I think to be helped to stop going and a therapist to deal with all of this
Agree.
HelloDulling · 07/09/2021 20:38

I still don’t understand what happens during your time with her to prevent you both spending time with your DP.

Spandang · 07/09/2021 20:44

She’s 14. If it went to court it would most likely be her choice.

So I think the best thing you can do is to look at some tools to support her with confidence building, boundaries, saying no, and not bowing down to her Dad - or anyone for that matter.

I agree to some extent she would benefit from a therapist but I would look at one who could offer some humanistic counselling to help her objectively frame the situation and discuss what she might do differently.

Hashing over the past isn’t always helpful in this situation, whereas an opportunity to discuss it, reflect on the outcome (that happened) and the outcome she would like, is very useful.

But ultimately, she needs to know she can stand up for herself and should. This kind of ‘anything for a quiet life’ also tends to manifest itself in later relationships, with partners, work, social circles, so the sooner you can break that mindset the better for her.

NoYOUbekind · 07/09/2021 22:20

Having read your update - stop her seeing him and block every access to contact he has with her. Take screenshots. Get her into therapy. Let him take you to court for contact. 98% chance he won't bother his arse. If he does, by the time it goes to court she'll be 15/16 and very much able to articulate to a judge why she no longer wants to see him.

It's time to take control.

healmebaby · 07/09/2021 22:32

Why haven’t you taken him to court to stop him abusing her by now?!

Original poster
mug2018 · 07/09/2021 22:38

Thank you for your comments and advice.
@RandomMess I particularly like your suggestion 🙄
I have spoken to a solicitor & they have said they can write to him and ask him to 'be nice' but I think this may just trigger more coercion from him.
If I go to court I know that he will turn up the emotional abuse towards my daughter & threaten suicide if she 'goes against him' & that would equally break her heart to be put in that position

I do regularly talk to DD about having a voice / being brave / not accepting his control, but if I'm honest, it took me 12 years to be brave enough to leave & file for divorce. My biggest regret is not doing it sooner & also not agreeing parental terms within the divorce, but then I never believed he would turn the control to his DD

Thank you again for your advice & yes, school are aware.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 07/09/2021 22:42

If contact is not court ordered, he can’t have contact unless he takes her. She sounds sensible but I think the way forward is to ask her not to pass on details of plans. He can’t screw round with them if he doesn’t know them.

bigbaggyeyes · 07/09/2021 22:43

I would go to court personally and also instruct a solicitor. I'd try and keep all communication with him via email or text. If he's abusive towards dd I'd back that up with an email. 'I'm writing to confirm you said X today to dd, or wouldn't let her speak to me on her birthday' that type of thing.

If he threatens suicide I'd call the police. If he threatens to harm the dogs, call the rspca, you get the gist.

I'd also seriously consider not letting dd see her df, if he wants to see her let him take you to court over it.