How would you deal with the controlling ExH who is manipulating our DD

[mug2018]

I'll try to keep this short (as I could rant forever )
Divorced ExH over 2 years ago.
DD now aged 14
ExH on 4th girlfriend since divorce ( auctioned his house & moved in with the 3rd gf 6 wks after mtg only for her to kick him out 4 wks later
Poor DD dragged into each of his relationships with a week of him mtg new gf's & she lives & breathes each one of his many dramas (hates job / no friends/ no money / in debt / hates his rental etc etc)

I am the polar opposite : good job, nice home, paid for holiday home, sociable & in an amazing relationship with my partner now for 18 months

My DD really likes my new partner. He's fun, considerate, supportive & great with my DD

We kept our relationship separate from my DD whilst she took time to accept sharing me & is really cool with it now. She's constantly planning things for us to do as a 3: family meals, weekends away, days out etc

However (& here is my issue) - her dad "won't allow her" to spend time with my partner & I

DD lives with me & see her dad regularly but he is horrible to her about my partner ( making up lies) (he has never met my partner)
He sends me abusive messages with lies about partner & claims DD is frightened of him / bullied by him etc

When I've spoken to DD about it & her feelings, she just says daddy is jealous & making things up

How do I handle this?
I feel my DD is missing out on so much cos she's not 'allowed' to have fun time with me

.... Argh .. He is such a controlling manipulative narcissistic

Thank you
Your responses have given me the assurance & a little more strength to stand up to him.
It's difficult to explain what scares me about his behavior as I know he can't harm me.
His latest bullying tactic is that DD has to go out for dinner tonight with him & his new 'gf' (who incidentally he met online & meets tonight for the first time IRL 😳) 🚩
She doesn't want to go so I've told her she doesn't have to & I'll just tell him she's not going but DD is scared that he'll kick off & start the emotional abuse again, so in her eyes, easier if she just goes along with it. 😩 (so she is making the choice 🤷‍♀️)
I just need to instill some strength into her. Fortunately she does see him for what he is, but she still remains fiercely loyal to him because " he has no one else"

I’d be changing everyone’s phone numbers and blocking him on them immediately along with any other way he can contact DD.

Keeping any evidence of abusive messages in multiple places, iCloud, Google Drive, USB stick etc so if he goes to court you have it all there.

However at her age, it’s harder to deal with because she’s already in the FOG with him.

Is your daughter’s school aware of the situation? Her school should be able to arrange therapy/counselling for her. You can also suggest that she rings Childline, children and young people often don’t confide in their parents.
Have you ever contacted Women’s Aid, they will be able to offer both of you support. The Freedom Programme will help both of you and help your daughter to have healthy relationships in the future, and help her recognise unhealthy, abusive relationships.

Her giving in to him to keep the peace shows that she doesn’t have the tools to adequately keep herself safe. Start a training program with her so she can change her language and still feel loyal. Good skills will stand her in good stead for the rest of her life. It will be good for you too and you will mutually be able to support each other.
💐 for the relentless shit of it.

Once you try it op you wil get The Bug!!
Standing up for yourself I mean!!
When I got sick of my exh peeping in my windows all the time at drop off /pick ups i had blinds fitted and kept them shut at those times.
He had his solicitor write to me to instruct me to take them down as he was unable to see into my home now...
Obviously I just laughed and ignore the arrogance of it!!
Exh was raged for a while then started to realise he had lost control of me..
Your dc is using your dd to get to you. She needs guidance to stand up for herself so you try it first and support her in doing the same.

You really really need to tackle this with DD and a therapist otherwise she will walk straight into abusive and controlling relationships including friendships.

She needs to see that that he isn't alone and as an adult companion and feeling sorry for someone are different things.

He is robbing her of her freedom and teenage years and potentially her adulthood.

You need to be explained loud and clear that her caving into his blackmail is wrong, dangerous and he does it only because it works.

Please get a family therapist that you and her can attend together to sort it.

Thank you - great advice - I will definitely look into the family therapy advice

A coerced choice isn't a choice. You need to stand up and protect her OP. If she doesn't want to go to dinner tonight to meet a completely random woman, she doesn't have to. Tell her to stay home. Take control for her.

What would happen if you said she can't go because it's really inappropriate of him to ask her and you forbid her?

@mug2018

Thank you Your responses have given me the assurance & a little more strength to stand up to him. It's difficult to explain what scares me about his behavior as I know he can't harm me. His latest bullying tactic is that DD has to go out for dinner tonight with him & his new 'gf' (who incidentally he met online & meets tonight for the first time IRL 😳) 🚩 She doesn't want to go so I've told her she doesn't have to & I'll just tell him she's not going but DD is scared that he'll kick off & start the emotional abuse again, so in her eyes, easier if she just goes along with it. 😩 (so she is making the choice 🤷‍♀️) I just need to instill some strength into her. Fortunately she does see him for what he is, but she still remains fiercely loyal to him because " he has no one else"

I hope you don't mind but I'm going to follow for some of the same reasons. My ex is a narcissist and has since started his mind mind games and abuse with our kids. What you said about your DD Being fiercely loyal has really struck a cord.

One child sees him for what he is and barely bothers with him now, the second kid is sees it but somehow is strengthened by being able to identify his narcissistic traits and my third kid struggles so so much.😥. Always trying to appease his dad and will agree with everything to keep the peace.
There's lots of carrot dangling, guilt trips, playing them off against each other and many more mind games.
But when I've said that I will have a word with him the kids will literally beg for me not to, they are genuinely scared of his reaction but the sad thing is that they are right! He is not a rational man to deal with and no one can ever predict what he will do or say- he is vicious beyond belief when things don't go his way.
All I can keep doing is reassuring them that they are normal for how they feel and Let them vent to me.

Please tell your DC that a parents job is to love and cherish them regardless. Name his behaviour and say that it is not kind or loving and that it isn't ok and they do not deserve the way he treats them but it's ok that they love him and want to see him (or not)

I would also ask them in a kind open way "why do you think he said/did X?" You just listen and hmmm with their answer. They need to develop their sense of self to have the confidence to think about others behaviour and decide whether they think it's ok.

Basically please get your DC therapy too, I know it's expensive but the younger the start the quick the damage is repaired.

This is all worrying to read. My current 8 year old is manipulated by his narc dad. I've spoken to lawyers and again they said they would write to him but I fear it will make things worse

@pheonixrebirth 🤗 it's heartbreaking isn't it.
Stay strong & keep picking up the pieces to put them back together
It makes me so angry that a parent can be so manipulative towards a child.

@NoYOUbekind he is so horrible & I do challenge him to stand up to him for my DD but he turns abusive towards me & then DD gets upset at him having a go at me & sides with her dad "to make it stop" .. so I tend to maintain my composure & not show my feelings
Argh ... it's so difficult

See a therapist.
Keep telling her she is not responsible for his feelings and his actions
Play out scenarios or get a counsellor to do so
Let her learn she us not responsible for him Or his feelings or his actions s ...even if he were to carry out his suicide threat

No sweetheart, I don't mean that you're not challenging him enough - it isn't on you to stop his behaviour. What I mean is that you need to disengage completely. Tell DD she doesn't need to go to dinner. Block X's number everywhere. If he comes to your door, tell him to go away. If he won't go away, call the police. Don't argue back, disengage. If it goes back to court, let it. Provide the evidence, the judge will now take DD's views into account. You can free yourself and your family but you have to be like a grey rock, let it wash over you.

@NoYOUbekind ... thank you - it's good advice.
I'd welcome him taking me to court, he'd end up with supervised access at best

@NoYOUbekind he is so horrible & I do challenge him to stand up to him for my DD but he turns abusive towards me & then DD gets upset at him having a go at me & sides with her dad "to make it stop" .. so I tend to maintain my composure & not show my feelings
This bit you can work on. Talk to her. Darling what’s my job? To look after you and protect you. What’s your iob- to learn to be the best person you can be, which includes cleaning your room. So sometimes I tell your dad something is my decision so you don’t have to, and he will be nasty to me. But he can’t hurt me, and I’d call the police on him if he did. I used to think like you did, that he could hurt you, but then I realised he can’t and I have to look after you. So when I tell him you aren’t doing something and he turns horrible, don’t worry about me. You’re sweet and very caring but I love you and I’m choosing to be the one to tell him so that you don’t have to do something you don’t want to, that isn’t for your benefit and that he shouldn’t ask you to do. Please don’t try and step in and agree to stop him being mean to me. I’m strong and I just want to protect you and for you to be able to enjoy things you want to do. So next time, could you do this? Let me stand up for you?

And therapy.