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Original poster

Help with OLD messaging — I’m bad at texting

44 replies

Earlgrey19 · 07/09/2021 12:09

I think I’m really bad at the texting stage, and am still a novice in OLD. There’s someone I think I like — been messaging a bit, he said ‘we must try to meet’ early on, and I said ‘yes’, but no date has been agreed. He gave me his number to take the messaging onto WhatsApp. But it’s flagging a bit. He does get in touch, but with quite minimal messages and I don’t know how to respond for something a bit more sparky. The initial messaging was great as we discovered a shared interest. I think I do need to line up the date as I know you have to meet to see if there is a connection. But, I feel I’m such a bad texter (when I don’t know the person I’m texting!). Can anyone help me with ideas, inspiration, what level to go for? Keep it very short? I feel I’m being boring.

OP posts:
ClaudiaWinkleHam · 07/09/2021 12:22

You’re not boring! The convo will drift off to nothingness if this man is after a real connection and there’s so much unsaid in the early stages so I suggest bringing up meeting yourself. Maybe ‘would you like to get a coffee sometime?’. Doesn’t have to be a big deal. Rip off the plaster and meet.

GreyCarpet · 07/09/2021 12:45

I did OLD a very long time ago. I would just be direct and say that you don't enjoy messaging someone who is a stranger and would rather meet up if he is interested in doing so. Tell him you don't text for longer than a fortnight without arranging a meet up.

And then arrange a date. If he is flakey or non committal about that or cancels, then don't bother and move on to someone else.

Ineber when I did it, I was chatting to a man but decided I didn't enjoy OLD and was going to delete my account. I told.this man amd asked if he wanted to swap numbers before I did so. His response was - Yeah, why not.

I deleted.the account without giving him my number. If he couldn't even muster a.- Yeah, I'd like that! Then I wasn't going to bother. Your boundaries have to he really tight. If you don't want to spend ages texting mundane crap the don't.

Having said that, if his responses are minimal then he's not giving you much to respond to is he? What is it you like about him? Do you actually think you like him or is he the best of a bad bunch so far?

Original poster
Earlgrey19 · 07/09/2021 12:56

Thanks both, that’s helpful.

@greycarpet He sent me a few seconds video of him that was funny & I liked that. He also linked me to a thread he’d written on Twitter where he’d written about our shared interest. It gave me the opportunity to look at lots of his tweets and from those I got a sense of shared values. And I like his humour.

But agree his actual texts don’t give me much to respond to, and feel a bit like placeholders, so I don’t disappear.

I thought about being upfront that I don’t like OL messaging much, so let’s meet, but was worried it was too blunt…

Would be good to firm up a date.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 07/09/2021 13:03

He’s already given you an in in saying “we should try to meet.” This is basically cautious OLD code for “I’d like to meet you but I’m not going to put myself out there and risk embarrassing myself by being too forward if you don’t want to meet me.”

Just go in there with “so, about that meet-up : I’m free [dates you’re free.] Would this work for you? What shall we do?” And then leave it with him to suggest something.

SomethingElf · 07/09/2021 13:04

Just type "So, shall we arrange a time to meet for a drink? How about this weekend?"

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/09/2021 13:05

It’s difficult, as you’re clearly both discovering, to keep on sending endless interesting, witty messages to a stranger you’ve never met. Here’s only so many times you can ask somebody if they’ve had a good day or what they’ve got planned for the weekend, and you don’t know each other well enough for much else. Don’t focus on trying to make conversation through text, it’s pointless and tells you nothing about somebody other than whether they like texting or not. Just meet.

GreyCarpet · 07/09/2021 13:09

In that case, I'd definitely try to firm up a meet up.

It's not too blunt. It's a dating site not a penpal service. Either someone is serious about meeting someone, in which case they will want to meet up with someone they find interesting or they're not in which case you don't want to waste your time.

SpringlikeBunk · 07/09/2021 13:40

“That twitter comment about X cracked me up!

Let me know if you fancy continuing this chat over a coffee or drink some time, I’m quite free evenings next week . Earlgrey x”

(bit jaded at apps myself but quite good at getting meets)

householdrmk · 07/09/2021 13:45

Then don't text OP just arrange to meet or talk on video chat so you can catch up between dates.

SpringlikeBunk · 07/09/2021 13:46

(I prefer to just state I want to meet and leave it there rather than try to persuade/convince them or get into long discussions)

Buggritbuggrit · 07/09/2021 14:45

I’ve never understood the whole ‘not good at messaging’ thing. Just out of curiosity, might I ask how old you are? As I sometimes suspect this may be a generational thing.

You’ve mentioned links and videos he’s sent you - did you reciprocate? Funny memes? Interesting (or random) things that happened during your day? Musings on current events? When I was OLD, these were the sorts of things we chatted about.

I’m not of the ‘set up a date immediately’ school of thought. I liked a bit of chat (on the dating app, I never exchanged phone numbers before meeting) first. I had some interesting conversations and it was a great way of sorting out the people who I thought were interesting enough to actually meet. It also meant I never had an awkward or dull date.

Anyway, this approach worked for me. Met my lovely man and we’re getting married next year. Smile

Pinkbonbon · 07/09/2021 15:14

I'd get a meet up date arranged.

I cant be doing with messaging someone I haven't even met yet. Two conversations and I ask them in a date if they haven't asked me.

Not much of a texter generally, but sod having to regularly message some random who I dont even know if I like yet.

Original poster
Earlgrey19 · 07/09/2021 22:06

@Buggritbuggrit OMG I feel so old now. You might be right. I’m 40. Is that old enough for it to be a ‘generational thing’?😂

Today was a bit better.Tomorrow I’ll be brave & suggest meeting up, I think!

OP posts:
dovesandroses · 07/09/2021 22:33

I find lots are keen to message at first but if the messaging starts to dwindle it's normally a sign of losing interest for whatever reason. You might think your a bad texter but if he's not putting in much effort then it's not your fault.

I find if it's too difficult to keep up conversation before I've even had the date then I don't bother with the date, I do have a brutal approach though after dating on/off for two years.

You could ask him out but if he doesn't give you a prompt arrangements and keep in touch then he could just be fickle, don't wait around on them would be my best advice.

Original poster
Earlgrey19 · 08/09/2021 13:49

Thanks @dovesandroses. Asked him out an hour ago, no response yet. We’ll see. Good advice —time to move on if he doesn’t seem keen.

OP posts:
Original poster
Earlgrey19 · 08/09/2021 14:32

He writes this:

“Hey sorry for delay
Running around a bit today
I think I’ll be tied up on Saturday, definitely at least until evening
V keen to meet though”

Is it ambivalent? He says he’s keen though doesn’t suggest an alternative. I could do Sat eve, but don’t want to seem desperate…

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 08/09/2021 14:39

I'd just text back 'no worries, another time then perhaps. I'll leave the ball in your court'.

Just be careful he isnt setting you up for a 'you can come over to money on Saturday night's or some shit. And if he texts at the last minute suggesting something like that on Saturday, then dont say yes to that. And you'll know all he is after is a leg over..

Pinkbonbon · 08/09/2021 14:40

*over to mines

Pinkbonbon · 08/09/2021 14:41

And dont entertain anymore texts from him unless they are to suggest a date and time.

JustAnother0ldMan · 08/09/2021 14:43

@Earlgrey19

He writes this:

“Hey sorry for delay
Running around a bit today
I think I’ll be tied up on Saturday, definitely at least until evening
V keen to meet though”

Is it ambivalent? He says he’s keen though doesn’t suggest an alternative. I could do Sat eve, but don’t want to seem desperate…

I would say he is very keen to meet and is telling you the only time he cannot make, I’m sure if you suggested Sat evening you have a date.
Pinkbonbon · 08/09/2021 14:51

I wouldn't suggest Saturday evening. At best it means he may have to cancel on you if his thing runs over. At worst he will put you off later and later into the night, until dinner out becomes 'you could still come over to mine instead if you wanted?'.

Original poster
Earlgrey19 · 08/09/2021 15:06

I said “No worries, I’m free sat eve. Or another time, if easier”. His reply was a photo of him looking stressed at work, with caption ‘bit frazzled’. Then a text saying he bets Ive got the best speaking voice.
Nothing about the date.

So, he’s interested, but a bit scared about meeting? I’ve had several ambivalent men in a row IRL and don’t want one from OLD!

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 08/09/2021 15:10

...he sounds a bit weird.

But no, nothing indicates to me indicates that he is scared about meeting.

Pinkbonbon · 08/09/2021 15:12

I dont think he is ambivilant. But he may be a bullshit merchant. Just, proceed with caution.

JustAnother0ldMan · 08/09/2021 15:25

So, he’s interested, but a bit scared about meeting? I’ve had several ambivalent men in a row IRL and don’t want one from OLD!

I don’t read that, he sounds keen to meet, I’m always keen to meet up sooner rather than later, or else the messaging just dries up (as you are probably finding )

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