Help with OLD messaging — I’m bad at texting

[Earlgrey19]

I think I’m really bad at the texting stage, and am still a novice in OLD. There’s someone I think I like — been messaging a bit, he said ‘we must try to meet’ early on, and I said ‘yes’, but no date has been agreed. He gave me his number to take the messaging onto WhatsApp. But it’s flagging a bit. He does get in touch, but with quite minimal messages and I don’t know how to respond for something a bit more sparky. The initial messaging was great as we discovered a shared interest. I think I do need to line up the date as I know you have to meet to see if there is a connection. But, I feel I’m such a bad texter (when I don’t know the person I’m texting!). Can anyone help me with ideas, inspiration, what level to go for? Keep it very short? I feel I’m being boring.

Thanks@ Pinkbonbon, good advice. I appreciate your comments.

@JustAnother0ldMan - totally agree, sooner better than later with OLD

I think I'd be tempted to put the ball firmly in his court with this one. He does sound keen - but at the same time he's not suggesting any alternative time is he?! Honestly sometimes it's like pulling teeth getting these men to commit to a date and time. He may of course be genuinely frazzled with work so not a great time for him to arrange a date.

I'd say "OK I'll leave this with you. Let me know when you're free" Then just leave things - don't message him again until he messages you. If he continues to be vague and not arrange a specific date and time then you have your answer. Good Luck

I'd suggest a zoom date on Saturday night, both get a drink and have a chat. Limit meeting to 40 minutes, if it goes well, log back in.

But then I'm pretty forward and would just get on with it.

Bonus: You can position laptop/phone in a v. flattering light, do you make up, put on something flirty (from the waist up!) and relax with a drink in your own home - sorted!

Bypassed — yeah, I know what his job is and it’s genuinely frazzling. At the same time I’m aware that very early on in the message exchange he said ‘we must meet up’, took it onto WhatsApp, and yet he has not suggested a time for actual date. This afternoon I got a voice note saying ‘Hello’. It was quite sweet. But no answer re Sat eve!

Balls in his court now. He should suggest a coffee on Sunday, if not beers on sat eve

Sounds like he is just keeping you dangling to me. Bet he is messaging others. I’d give him a day or two to arrange a date and if he doesn’t, move on. To be honest when you are starting out in the mad world of OLD, you should be keeping your options open too.

Sadly he sounds more like a pen pal & timewaster. You put yourself out there and he should have suggested another day if he was keen. I wouldn’t spend any more energy on him or at least date/chat with others.

@ClaudiaWinkleHam

Sadly he sounds more like a pen pal & timewaster. You put yourself out there and he should have suggested another day if he was keen. I wouldn’t spend any more energy on him or at least date/chat with others.

Agree. The only time OLD has ever worked out for me is when we met ASAP and moved things forward quickly, deleting the app once we knew we'd clicked. I think all this multi dating just encourages flakiness and bullshit and people holding out for better options.

Agree with @Pinkbonbon as well - he may be “grooming” you so that you give up on a proper organised date and are just so keen to meet you accept/suggest a hookup/last minute meet at his.

I noticed a lot of sex creeps on apps do this - they bring up the serious meet straight away - so you think they’re genuine if that’s on the cards, but then try to lead into dirty talk as warm up.

Or trying to lead into sexting or sexy photo exchange - which is why he’s suggested WhatsApp and has started sending photos/voice clips of himself to build up to it.

Hope I’m wrong but this kind of behaviour (from normal nice looking guys) is why I broke from the apps.

That’s really helpful to have in mind @SpringlikeBunk — thanks.

Personally I think if he was keen he would have suggested an alternative and I certainly would not be messaging again. I always chat on the phone first, saves a lot of time if you decide not to take things forward.

It sounds like you're his backup plan if things don't go well with his preferred option. Sorry - I've been there 😔

Thanks everyone. Like I think I said, I’m quite new to online dating. It’s quite a lot to navigate. I can see you have to be robust…

Sorry but I agree with previous posters that this guy isn't serious about you. Either he's a time waster and you're a backup plan, or, like Spring said, he's trying to lower your boundaries and push you into accepting a meetup that you normally wouldn't have agreed to.

Men from OLD who genuinley want to meet you don't say 'we must meet up'... and then not only proceed to not make plans to meet up but also to reject your attempt to make a plan to meet up and not offer an alternative.

As an aside as well, it's a good safety precaution with OLD to not give a man your phone number until you've gone on a couple of dates and sussed out whether he's normal or not. Lots of men on these apps quickly get women to move over to texting/whatsapp because then the OLD site isn't obligated to investigate it if they start sending you abusive messages or harrassing you. Until you know he's not a creep I advise only using the OLD app to communicate. Also be aware that some men will try to claim that the OLD app is buggy or doesn't let them recieve messages properly, this is again an attempt to make you give them your phone number.

@Earlgrey19

Thanks everyone. Like I think I said, I’m quite new to online dating. It’s quite a lot to navigate. I can see you have to be robust…

Here's a template OP:

1. Browse men and choose a handful you are interested to know better.
2. Message each of the men with a thoughtful short message
3. Exchange a handful of messages over about ten days
4. Arrange to meet for a twenty minute coffee meet up
5. If you feel a spark, arrange a longer date

Don't be afraid to dump and block if you spot any red flags in the beginning: www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/in-flux/201407/10-relationship-red-flags

Meet up within a couple of weeks OP as you could message forever. It creates a false bond. You need to meet up as soon as you can to see if you are wasting your time or not.

Really helpful, @username12345T , thanks.

Sorry, just saw this! You’re not old at all! I apologise if that’s how I came across. It’s just that people under about 30 (possibly 35?) are so accustomed to texting (in my experience, so purely anecdotal) that being bad at it is unusual. Not wrong, just unusual.

Anyway, I think that you’ve made yourself very clear. I’d he were interested, surely he would have suggested a date and time after that?! You sound delightful. Dilatory idiots aren’t worth your time. Please bin this person and continue to swipe until you find someone equally delightful.

@crimsonlake

Personally I think if he was keen he would have suggested an alternative and I certainly would not be messaging again. I always chat on the phone first, saves a lot of time if you decide not to take things forward.

Agreed.

If he really wanted to meet you, he'd be making an effort to suggest a different day/time. I'd chuck this one back, OP.

Meet as quickly as you can if you are OLD, as it's the only way to know if you like each other!