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Original poster

First date cashflow issue, postpone? Embarrassing!

42 replies

Freeloadingtosser · 07/09/2021 08:02

Hi all,

Name changed as this is embarrassing.

I have been chatting to a man online for a while now, longer than I would normally do without meeting due to a house move and holidays. We have planned a date this weekend and I'm really excited to meet him.

However, thanks to my house move, masters fees and another one off big expense (many thousands) happening at once, and my old landlord being delayed in paying back my deposit (there's a long but reasonable explanation for this, I am due it all back), I am currently cleaned out and only have enough for the essentials for the next week. It will be resolved, I have a good job, it's just a bit of a cash flow issue and bad timing for the date. I don't have credit cards which would have solved it.

We are both really looking forward to meeting, and were planning dinner somewhere nice.

It's my fault, I had just banked upon my deposit being returned on time as my landlord has always been very efficient.

In this situation (realistically I can't afford dinner in a restaurant at all rather than switching to somewhere cheap), would you suggest postponing until next week when we can revert to our original plan, or letting him know beforehand what's happened and offering to transfer my half later?

We live a little distance apart and have been talking a while so I would like to make a proper evening of this one, not just a coffee. I have the feeling he would offer to pay on the night anyway but don't want to go along assuming that or put him in the position of saying he would've done anyway.

Would the above offer of paying him back later sound incredibly dodgy or would saying I need to postpone as I am skint give a worse impression?

I have a good feeling about this guy and don't want to mess it up thanks to a temporary financial blip. I promise I am a responsible adult and manage my money ok, it's just that a lot of unusually big outgoings have happened at once coupled with the deposit issue.

WWYD?!

OP posts:
Restinblue · 07/09/2021 08:04

Personally I wouldn’t do a meal for a first date anyway. A coffee and a walk would be better.

I wouldn’t be comfortable telling him you are broke and then going for a meal anyway. Can you borrow cash from someone and then give it back to them if he ends up paying?

Realyorkshiretea · 07/09/2021 08:05

Definitely just be honest & postpone. Explain you don’t want to feel like you ‘owe’ him anything, and would prefer to wait until you have some cash. Add on something about being very keen to meet so he knows you’re not making excuses

TornadoTrinity · 07/09/2021 08:07

I agree, I'd just do coffee and a wall. You've never met him, so it definitely isn't weird to say this.

Alternatively, I'd postpone. You can't go on a first date saying "sorry, I have a cash flow problem. Can you lend me some money for dinner"? I don't think so anyway.

TornadoTrinity · 07/09/2021 08:10

@Realyorkshiretea

Definitely just be honest & postpone. Explain you don’t want to feel like you ‘owe’ him anything, and would prefer to wait until you have some cash. Add on something about being very keen to meet so he knows you’re not making excuses
I personally, actually wouldn't say this either. It starts the whole date off on the wrong foot or might look as if you're hinting you would like him to insist on paying. Thinking how I'd see it if someone did this to me.

I'd just be apologetic, say something came up and you can't do this weekend but firm up another date and book a restaurant if you want to do a meal out, so he knows it isn't a brush off.

Sunshineandflipflops · 07/09/2021 08:20

I have done meals for first dates and have had no issues so i don't agree that's a bad idea in itself. The worst that can happened is it's awful and you make excuses and leave after your main course! Hardly like you're tied there all night.

Re the money though...can you borrow some from family/friends until your money comes through (or until the following day if he offers to pay)?

Realyorkshiretea · 07/09/2021 08:27

@TornadoTrinity actually I think you’re right it might look like hinting

TakeYourFinalPosition · 07/09/2021 08:28

Go for coffee & a walk, if that’s financially doable.

I wouldnt borrow money from him - that doesn’t set the right tone. And postponing when you’ve already waited a while to meet is likely to make him question if you’re actually interested.

Suggest coffee & a walk, especially if you’re somewhere with good sun right now, and book the dinner for next week if it goes well & you’ll be sorted by then.

GiveMeAUserName123 · 07/09/2021 08:29

I would just explain what’s happened and that your deposit is late in coming back so would he like to postpone to next weekend. He will say what he wants to do.

frozendaisy · 07/09/2021 08:30

Could you borrow some money from a friend or family instead?

goldpendant · 07/09/2021 08:32

In first instance I'd borrow from a friend/family.

If that's not an option then say you're feeling unwell, had been so looking forward to it, and firm up for the following week. Though even worse if you have to cancel again if deposit doesn't come back.

I'd also apply for a credit card!

TornadoTrinity · 07/09/2021 08:33

Oh no, there's absolutely nothing wrong with going for a meal on a first date, but it isn't the first thing people assume they will be doing on a first date, so it wouldn't be weird to suggest something cheaper, like coffee and a walk, as money is tight.

goldpendant · 07/09/2021 08:33

Or is temporarily extending your overdraft an option?

TornadoTrinity · 07/09/2021 08:34

@TornadoTrinity

Oh no, there's absolutely nothing wrong with going for a meal on a first date, but it isn't the first thing people assume they will be doing on a first date, so it wouldn't be weird to suggest something cheaper, like coffee and a walk, as money is tight.
I also wouldn't say it's because money is tight! Just say that's what you like to do on a first date or whatever.
Original poster
Freeloadingtosser · 07/09/2021 08:37

Thanks so much everyone. I really appreciate your input.

Thinking about it, I feel that I would take it as hinting/ being backed into a corner if someone I liked said 'I've no money for the next week but the ball is in your court' and I don't want to take the shine off things for him.

I might see if a friend will lend me a bit. They know I'll be good for it shortly and I'll transfer it straight back if he wants to pay. If they can't, I'll have to have a rethink.

OP posts:
LastGirlSanding · 07/09/2021 08:37

Can you suggest a different date like a walk?

Deedee121 · 07/09/2021 08:39

Borrow from a friend or family or extend your overdraft, as someone above said.

femfemlicious · 07/09/2021 08:41

Simply trll him you have been in contact eith someone with covid and have to isolate for 10daysGrin

Original poster
Freeloadingtosser · 07/09/2021 08:45

I could suggest a coffee and cake or a sandwich and a walk (and could stretch to that!) but we've discussed what we would like to do and both said we would like a dinner and drinks date together with a walk around the city before or after.

I feel like it would be a bit of a change now to suggest something simpler and if he didn't know why I was suggesting it, might take it as me trying to make the date more casual and backtrack a bit. I know we've never met etc, and about the pitfalls of setting expectations too high, I just think on this occasion, following lockdown etc, we were both looking forward to this. We've facetimed and called (not loads) so I'm not worried about us holding a conversation all evening even if there isn't a romantic spark.

OP posts:
TornadoTrinity · 07/09/2021 08:47

Yeah, I definitely understand that op. It could look like a small brush off.

I'd borrow the money from someone else (not him) or postpone. Also agree; maybe apply for a credit card Smile

goldpendant · 07/09/2021 08:48

I agree op, changing the scope of the planned date now to something mire casual would seem like you had gone cold.

Borrow/overdraft/or postpone (you're ill)

LastGirlSanding · 07/09/2021 09:00

Ah yea fair enough. I think borrowing then from a friend is a good idea. Smile

CatOfTheLand · 07/09/2021 09:15

I wouldn't mention money troubles now - you'll look like a scammer or someone testing boundaries to see what you can get from him financially. I'd feel so uncomfortable if someone did this to me and would also think that if I dated you I'd either always be paying or we'd never be able to go nice things because you're constantly broke. I realise that's not the case, but it sounds a bit odd.

It could also be off-putting if you didn't stand rounds in the bars. So you need to not only have money but 'enough' to not look penny pinching.

I'd also not lie and say you're sick - it'll look like you're not that interested.

Bit of a weird solution, but do you have anything you could sell on Facebook marketplace to make some quick cash and borrow the rest from a friend?

To be honest, I'd ask to go for a coffee and walk for the first meeting and do dinner next week. I'd probably say I'd been asked to babysit for a friend because they've had a family emergency but you're still keen to meet up so how about a coffee and walk that day and dinner the next week. Or say that you've had a family situation. After a few dates, if I liked him, I'd probably come clean about why I changed our plans originally too so that I was honest with him.

Original poster
Freeloadingtosser · 07/09/2021 09:39

Funny you should mention that, catoftheland I've actually put a couple of things with some resale value on ebay that will end in a day or so- I've been messed about on marketplace- so with any luck that'll be a bit extra (not an enormous sum).

OP posts:
MatildaIThink · 07/09/2021 09:53

@Restinblue

Personally I wouldn’t do a meal for a first date anyway. A coffee and a walk would be better.

I wouldn’t be comfortable telling him you are broke and then going for a meal anyway. Can you borrow cash from someone and then give it back to them if he ends up paying?

I totally agree with this. A meal makes it too formal, as well as locks you in. It is one thing getting on well remotely, but that does not always translate in real life.

Go for a coffee and a nice walk somewhere public, see if you get on, then arrange dinner if you still want to after that. A coffee only costs a few pounds and likely he would buy them anyway (not that I advocate sponging off of someone, but one coffee is likely to be fine) if you can not afford that.

No need to tell him you are broke, but also, whilst out for a coffee other things can come up, how hectic a house move is etc. so he might understand you need another few weeks before being able to go on a evening meal date.

MatildaIThink · 07/09/2021 09:55

@Freeloadingtosser

I could suggest a coffee and cake or a sandwich and a walk (and could stretch to that!) but we've discussed what we would like to do and both said we would like a dinner and drinks date together with a walk around the city before or after.

I feel like it would be a bit of a change now to suggest something simpler and if he didn't know why I was suggesting it, might take it as me trying to make the date more casual and backtrack a bit. I know we've never met etc, and about the pitfalls of setting expectations too high, I just think on this occasion, following lockdown etc, we were both looking forward to this. We've facetimed and called (not loads) so I'm not worried about us holding a conversation all evening even if there isn't a romantic spark.

I would say it is because everything is full on with the move, the masters etc. and any decent man will be totally understanding. You can still go for a long walk, a nice coffee etc.