First date cashflow issue, postpone? Embarrassing!

[Freeloadingtosser]

Hi all,

Name changed as this is embarrassing.

I have been chatting to a man online for a while now, longer than I would normally do without meeting due to a house move and holidays. We have planned a date this weekend and I'm really excited to meet him.

However, thanks to my house move, masters fees and another one off big expense (many thousands) happening at once, and my old landlord being delayed in paying back my deposit (there's a long but reasonable explanation for this, I am due it all back), I am currently cleaned out and only have enough for the essentials for the next week. It will be resolved, I have a good job, it's just a bit of a cash flow issue and bad timing for the date. I don't have credit cards which would have solved it.

We are both really looking forward to meeting, and were planning dinner somewhere nice.

It's my fault, I had just banked upon my deposit being returned on time as my landlord has always been very efficient.

In this situation (realistically I can't afford dinner in a restaurant at all rather than switching to somewhere cheap), would you suggest postponing until next week when we can revert to our original plan, or letting him know beforehand what's happened and offering to transfer my half later?

We live a little distance apart and have been talking a while so I would like to make a proper evening of this one, not just a coffee. I have the feeling he would offer to pay on the night anyway but don't want to go along assuming that or put him in the position of saying he would've done anyway.

Would the above offer of paying him back later sound incredibly dodgy or would saying I need to postpone as I am skint give a worse impression?

I have a good feeling about this guy and don't want to mess it up thanks to a temporary financial blip. I promise I am a responsible adult and manage my money ok, it's just that a lot of unusually big outgoings have happened at once coupled with the deposit issue.

WWYD?!

Say you've been pinged and rearrange for the week after.
I went on a successful first date with coffee and walk and it turned into dinner as we got on so well . Married now 🙂

Isn't the weather forecast decent? Have a picnic??

As much as l advocate honesty, l wouldn't come clean with your cash flow problem.

If l was going on a date and someone said they were broke, it would make me question how 'together' they were over money and why as an adult they had no back up resources. Although l would be more than happy about a cheap/free date.

You have had some good advice from other posters but l think what this situation has revealed is that you have no emergency back up if you hit a bump in the road regarding money. Getting an overdraft from your bank should be straight forward so go for that if possible and sort out a credit card for the future.

Be careful about asking friends to lend you money as well. Family maybe but it can put people in a difficult situation. They don't want to say no but underneath will feel unhappy.

Personally I’d just say it’s been really manic with the house move and you think you’ve overcommitted your time this weekend. That being said you’re really looking forward to meeting him and absolutely don’t want to cancel, so could you push back the ‘big date’ till the following week and maybe squeeze in a coffee and walk beforehand?

Honestly I think going into your financial issues before you've even had a first date might put him off. I know it's just a blip but he doesn't know that really. If a man postponed on me because of that I'd wonder about how financially responsible he really was. I'd borrow in this instance as a one off .

@Heliachi

I would be taken aback if someone started divulging financial issues before we'd even met. Just postpone.

Yes, same really. I do think honesty is a good policy, but not re financial problems when you've just met... especially as it's a very temporary financial problem which won't affect him in the future, (presumably), if the date is a big success.

I definitely wouldn’t tell him your cash flow issues.

I’d suggest maybe coffee and lunch after with a walk so a bit more low key than dinner which does sound very full on.

One of the reasons I don't necessarily think big dinners out as a first date are always the best idea is that when I worked in a fancy, Michelin star gastropub, it seemed to be a popular choice for a first date! Impressive and good food, but not too frou frou or formal.

I remember one couple who seemed lovely came in and ordered their meals. They had their starter and the man went to the loo. Next thing the woman scurries up to the bar where I was working and said she wanted a taxi immediately. I asked if everything was alright and she just said yes but she needed a taxi immediately. I ordered it and then the man came out of the loo which was unfortunately right by the bar! It was so awkward. He had no idea she wanted to leave. She didn't even make an excuse! I couldn't figure out what had happened, but clearly they weren't compatible!

Tbf that was the only time I saw that. The other off-putting first dates were just awkward ones.

But that said, it could be brilliant and I can also see why op can't backpedal now without looking as if she's lost interest.

Defaulting to honesty is always the best policy IMO.

In my 20s and even 30s it wasn't uncommon for people in my social circle to have cashflow issues. That's often how it is when you hang out with people academia and art. So it wouldn't necessarily be a red flag if a potential date said they were broke, nor would any of us look down on someone who'd run out of cash.

You're a masters student so I wouldn't expect you to be rolling in it and I'm all too familiar with how sudden expenses and whatnot can absolutely rinse your account. Been there. If it's his judgment you're wary of - well, anyone who'd judge a masters student for a cashflow issue isn't someone you want to be with anyway.

I would be upfront and say you have a one-off cashflow issue, and could you do something more low-key/cheaper. Either he'll say yes and you can go for a coffee/walk instead, or he'll offer to pay for the restaurant, in which case I'd get in there and say I'll pay him back ASAP.

It'll be fine! Good luck.

Just say sorry you can't make it this weekend , something came up. Rearrange when you are flush again.

I would postpone or change it to a coffee instead.
No matter how you put it, talking about you being skint is going to come across like you're angling for him to tell you he'll pay.

Agree it's much too early to mention finances, and too late to suggests a lower cost date. I'd go with sorry, somethings come up, can we have a rain check and do it next week instead.

Giving the date you want to postpone to helps confirm that you are not blowing him off.

Don't go into any detail about why so there is no chance you get caught lying.

p.s. I agree with PPs that dinner is high risk as a first date. Given you have discussed and agreed, it will either mean you are made for each other or be horrendous.

If you do continue the relationship, and get comfortable enough to tell each other loads about yourselves. I would absolutely tell him the 'backstory' about this thing.

and take it as a good sign if he says 'ahh, if you had said, I'd have been happy to sub you. 😀

Just get an overdraft on your bank account(s) - you actually probably have already got one !

No way would I be sharing financial difficulties with someone I hadn't even met yet.
Borrow from a friend or organise an overdraft. If neither of these things work out then the suggestion to pretens you've been in contact with a covid case is a good one.