Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Yelling is too much

28 replies

CDO117 · 06/09/2021 21:37

Hello
I am in a long term relationship roughly 11 years and have 2 children together 7 and 2.
This evening my two year old was running up to my partner in the lounge and running back again to the lounge door, he did it quite a lot and his dad was playing with him but then he told him to stop straight away and shouted stop about six times. My son wouldn't stop she he lifted him up and took him up to his bedroom and left him in the cotbed crying.
When i went to confront him in the lounge( i was in the kitchen when it happened) he said well he wouldn't listen and continued jumping on me. I told him you should have told him to stop straight away and not play with him or that is telling him you are okay with it. He didn't agree and started raising his voice, swearing and saying it's always my fault i'm to blame, i'm the one manipulating you and so on. He is a compulsive gambling addict, knows he is and has been attending GA meetings since june. I tell him to stop shouting and calm down as the kids were stood by us. He agressively came into my face swearing and i left the house to calm down. I am so angry and need some advice

OP posts:

LittleCatDog · 06/09/2021 21:45

Oh that's really sad, your son was just really excited and playing ☹️ that would break my heart. He doesn't sound like a nice man!

minniemouseshouses · 06/09/2021 21:57

Op - that is abusive behaviour. Is he usually like this?

middlingmess · 06/09/2021 22:23

Is there a reason to stay with this guy?
He seems to hate you and the children.
Can you imagine a future without him in it?
Are you frightened of him?
Could you get help in real life?

BrilliantBetty · 06/09/2021 22:27

Oh no. I hope sooner or later you see that this is abusive for you and the DC and find your courage and anger and realise you all deserve better... and LTB.
Show the kids a stable, loving home with a safe environment where they won't receive crazy mixed messages and see their mum get manipulated. You could set a much better example for them as a single parent.

layladomino · 07/09/2021 08:17

Your poor children. And poor you. You all deserve better than an angry bully with a gambling habit.

Unless this was a genuine one-off (and even then, he'd have to explain why and put measures in place for it to never happen again) then this should be the sign you need to split from him, and make a better life for you and your DCs.

But I suspect it isn't a one-off at all.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/09/2021 08:23

What the other respondents have written. This man and you absolutely need to be apart.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Is this really the role model of a relationship you want to be showing your kids?.

Original poster

CDO117 · 07/09/2021 10:47

Thanks everyone for your message's i am in 11 years of this happening. It was bad before when he didn't realise he had a gambling problem but the verbal abuse has always been here. I am seeking help now and about emotional abuse as i need to research and understand the seriousness of both different types of abuse.
I am scared of him and i know this now. I will take the steps to break free, i read online victims of abuse can take up to seven times to break up before they finally do. I have broken up with him about 4 times this year.
I know we deserve better and im absolutely exhausted, i have a councillor ringing me tomorrow at 11am and i will speak to them about my situation.
Thanks again for your replies x

OP posts:

Original poster

CDO117 · 07/09/2021 11:28

No it isn't a one off he is a nasty bully to my kids when he chooses to be, he never takes responsibility and i can't stand him.

OP posts:

CaptSkippy · 07/09/2021 11:56

OP, you might want to check out Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. He also a few good lectures online.

householdrmk · 07/09/2021 12:06

@CDO117

No it isn't a one off he is a nasty bully to my kids when he chooses to be, he never takes responsibility and i can't stand him.

The relationship has completely broken down OP. Can you contact Gingerbread, the CABx or another organisation and find out how to go about preparing for life as a single parent.

My heart is broken for your child who was playing with his dad and then shouted at and dumped on his bed upset. He didn't know what he had done wrong and went from playing to be frightened. Poor baby. You can't let your children have this is their lives OP. You understand what's going on but they don't have the capacity and they will be blaming themselves for your partner's behaviour as that's what children do.

Please get them out.

Original poster

CDO117 · 07/09/2021 20:13

Hi, he has been ignoring me all day and i have to him because he has scared me when he swore and verbally abused me in front of the children. He has scared me and the children and he hasn't apologised he thinks its me to blame. I'm at my wits end now, i get ill all the time, tonsilitis in May, covid in november and a head cold, mostly due to stress and catching everything my youngest son gets. I am praying my parents can move to Wales soon, they live in Scotland and i have no family here to support me except one best friend. Why is it hard to leave an abusive relationship, i feel numb and empty, the last time this happened he promised to change and not to swear and shout but nothing changes. Feel alone and upset

OP posts:

Plumtree391 · 07/09/2021 20:40

He sounds dreadful, CDO.

You need out of this relationship, it is not doing you or your children any good, quite the opposite.

litterbird · 07/09/2021 20:53

Well done for reaching out. I think you have come to realise this is it now, you have to get out of this abusive relationship. Its not easy, but you must now see he will never change and it will get worse. You must get help from organisations such as women's aid and speak to your friends and family, you have to do it and stay away this time. It will never change....read that sentence over and over again. Get out and stay out this time OP. Good luck.

Original poster

CDO117 · 07/09/2021 21:24

Thank you for your support i really appreciate it and glad i'm not going crazy, i always go with my gut, its usually right xx

OP posts:

householdrmk · 07/09/2021 21:24

@CDO117

You're going to be ok.

Helpline for Wales:0808 80 10 800 (it's 24/7)
Welsh CABx: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/
Welsh Shelter: sheltercymru.org.uk/
Gingerbread: www.gingerbread.org.uk/what-we-do/contact-us/

I know you feel crap OP but in six months you're still going to feel crap and six months after that - do you see where this is going? It's not going to change. Get some advice and take it from there. Go and see your GP as well and let her know what's going on, she will be connected with local agencies who can help.

householdrmk · 07/09/2021 21:26

Forgot, the Freedom Programme: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Original poster

CDO117 · 09/09/2021 19:30

He is basically saying i provoked the argument and that i raised my voice, when i didn't he got out of control swearing at me when the kids were there and he couldn't control his anger coming into my face. I was shaking and left to go to the nearest park to calm down.

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 09/09/2021 20:27

If he genuinely can't control his anger then that's all that matters; he shouldn't be around children.

It baffles me if that's what he's using as his defense. 'I do not know how to control myself' isn't a defense, it's an admission of guilt.

It's not your fault, even if you had been provoking him, and I'm sure you weren't. You know that he's using very common abuse tactics, don't you? Have you heard of DARVO? Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender? They all do it.

Get your kids away from him, and don't let them grow up in the company of this relationship any more. Children replicate in their adult relationships what they've been shown by the adults they observed growing up. They will do what you're doing; do you want that for them?

Original poster

CDO117 · 09/09/2021 22:09

Yes you are completely right, thank you for your input, i am planning on ringing the doctors next tuesday on my day off, i am certain i am suffering from PTSD as a result of his abuse, i get an unusual fast heart rate when we argue and I feel drained. I get ill easily and i want to be happy and healthy for my children. I want what is best for them and their happiness xx

OP posts:

Original poster

CDO117 · 09/09/2021 22:10

I am scared they will judge me if i tell them i am being verbally abused as they know i have kids and scared they will get the social involved?

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 10/09/2021 10:38

What do you think would happen if they did? 'This father abuses the mother of his children; the children need to be removed from the mother'?

What do you fear from the authorities? What is it that you don't want them to do?

Original poster

CDO117 · 26/09/2021 23:40

Hello everyone
Most recently he was raising his voice at me when i was asking him a question in a calm tone about the shopping we bought and then when i asked for the flight money which he was meant to send with the bills he went off and sat in his car outside for an hour!!!???
We dont talk for the day and then he says he would like to talk once the kids go to bed, so i came down and sat on the sofa for about an hour and a half still no convo mentions im going up to bed to lie down soon as its a school night and he says ok, then in the morning i asked are you okay? He replies no not really and i said so whats your problem and he replied you are! I looked at him and said if i'm the problem what are you still doing here? He muttered dont worry im moving out soon. He has the nerve to not speak and ignore me all day and now comes into my bed and says i think its best we call it a day. I told him to get out of my bed, why does it feel million times worse as a victim of abuse to accept a break up from the abuser. I cant stop crying i know its for the best we have been together eleven years with two children. He doesnt have any emotion in him at all

OP posts:

twoandeights · 27/09/2021 03:43

This is toxic and you will be so much happier out of it

Eve81 · 27/09/2021 04:02

That is so sad, your poor son. He is so young and would have just been having fun. He wouldn’t have understood that his dad was being serious as he let him do it numerous times before. Is this a common occurrence?

Sparklfairy · 27/09/2021 04:03

I told him to get out of my bed, why does it feel million times worse as a victim of abuse to accept a break up from the abuser.

Oh God, I've been there @CDO117! It feels devastating because you know he's been an abusive dickhead, you've put up with it for years, given him chance after chance and now he has the nerve to break up with you? As if you've done something wrong? He's made your life miserable, how dare he?

The reality, and once the shock has subsided you'll see this, is that he saw this coming and its another way of him trying to take control. Don't be surprised when he starts listing your faults and what a terrible person you are, that he couldn't possibly continue a relationship with such an awful person. He may also project and gaslight, rewriting history to turn you into the abuser and him the victim, especially if he's a gambling addict.

The good thing is, the tears you have now will turn to anger fairly quickly, and then a cold, detached numbness. Use both of these to get through.

I did read the whole thread but have forgotten - whose house is it? Is it rent or mortgage? Hopefully its as straightforward as him moving out!

Flip

1 2