All I do is cry

[Sundayblues21]

I ended things with my ea dh a couple of months ago and I'm really struggling.
Although I was the one to end it, I felt backed into a corner as I just couldn't take it anymore.
I still love him, but he has done nothing to show that he is willing to put any work into fixing this, even though I've told him how I'm feeling and how his words and actions have affected me.
He's found a new 'friend' too which really stings.
I am so, so low about it all. I feel hurt, rejected and frankly rubbish.
I've started counselling which is helping me see some of his behaviour for what it is, but it feels like I'm just fighting fires with it as every time I go hes done something else for me to talk about.
I feel like I will never, ever, recover from the hurt and damage that's been done and it doesn't look like he cares at all.

I feel discarded, like I was only there to serve a purpose to him and now I've stopped doing that, he's done with me.
I don't think I'll ever trust anyone again.
Has anyone else felt like this and it get better?
I worry I'm going to end up bitter and lonely whilst he waltzes off into his best life.

I'm 9 months down the line after doing the same thing. Couldn't do it anymore and finished it after 15 years. Yes I felt the same as you and had some low days but my self esteem and self worth were practically non existent during the relationship and it's only now that I can see that clearly.

I recall having some wobbly days. I always think about how I felt during the relationship on my really low days - then I am reminded that I made the totally right decision. Change is scary but what is more scary is that you may have wasted even longer on this person. He will never change. You never saw it coming initially, just like his new friend wont see it coming initially either. Be grateful you now get the chance to work on loving yourself first and building your confidence and have the opportunity to meet someone who lifts you up rather than brings you down. You say he doesn't care.

I'm not a great fan of talking about the ex constantly to counsellors to be honest. I think it is more productive to talk about ways of rebuilding your life, increasing your confidence and self esteem.

It does get better. One day you will wake up and realise that you haven't thought about him today and you will start to feel more positive about the future. Change can be uncomfortable but without it we wouldn't learn and grow.

I understand, he tested you to your limits and you ended it and instead of stepping up and being remorseful or regretful he adds insult to injury by hurting you further.

You must see though you can never win with a man like this, he wanted his way and you, in his eyes should have just accepted it, he now punishes you further.

You are now in the situation where you know to stop his further relationships with other women you must suck up what he has done and try to live with the hurt and future hurt.

You know he won't change, what is the difference, him being with you and hurting you and him being away and hurting you.

But by being apart and letting time help you grieve maybe one day you will stop crying and with baby steps you will get there.

Sending you strength and hugs.
Your husband wasn't a very kind man and I want you to know you deserve better.

@gonnabeok thanks for sharing that with me.
I think you might be right on the counselling front. It would probably be a better use of my money!
We have been together 16 years, he's all I've ever known and we have dc so I am having to see him regularly.
I honestly thought he would try and do better, fight for our marriage, but nothing.
He says he is making lots of effort though, obviously, as everything is my fault.
I just have no idea on how to even begin to move on from something I never wanted to be over.
I keep reminding myself of why I had to end it, but we have shared some great times and I love him so much. I've given him everything I have and he doesn't seem to give a shit.

@Onthedunes that's it, he is punishing me. I just can't understand why he has such venom towards me when I've given so much.
I feel like he must hate me to be so utterly cruel.

He sounds quite narcisistic to me and devoid of empathy.

You would be well to read up on narcisists, H G Tudor is good reading for undestanding how they think and act.

I had a partner much the same, any boundaries that are applied are met with further punishments or humiliation. It depends what your husband wants, for the status quo to be reinstated or that he wants to move on.

It doesn't matter how long you have been together with men like this your primary role was to serve him. If that ends he must find someone else.
Most of the time narcs usually have back ups anyway to readily move onto, did he have a wid circle of friends?

People say the only way to get over them is to go NC, hard when you have children together, my own defence mechanism was to think of him as a brick that had no capabilities of emotion, love, understanding empathy, loyalty or reasoning as most human beings do.

They can hurt so much because they can just cut off emotions, it's not hard for them because the emotion was never there.

My own experience with councillors was varied, some were crap, some were nice but the majority did not have an understanding how cruel and how viciously a narcisist can operate.

They can be cruel beyond words.

What did he do to push you over the edge and tell him to go, did it involve other women?

@Onthedunes yes I have tried so hard to put boundaries in place to protect myself but I think he sees it as a direct threat to him.
He talks alot about control and punishments but I think that's how he sees things, so thinks everyone thinks the same.

No he doesn't have many friends, he doesn't put the required effort into maintaining relationships, with anyone for that matter. This is what makes he new friendship all the more upsetting. No effort for me, the kids, we weren't worth it.
I knew he would shut off quickly, but I hoped otherwise.

I feel stupid. Like I never really mattered to him at all.
The final straw was another big rant about what a shit person I am and how unhappy I make him. I just couldn't listen to it any more. I didn't respond to him at all during his outburst. Just listened and died a little inside. He never apologised. Even weeks later when he started making noises that he didn't want to leave, it was still all my fault. It would appear I bring out the very worst in him.

Oh you do matter to him, your were his primary source of fuel.

You are an empath, someone who he drained from, he will lash out if he is not hearing the right responses from you, namely that he hasn't done anything wrong and he is not to be blamed for your unhappiness.

He wants you to submit and to admit you are at fault then everything can return to normal for him

It really is pointless arguing with him, he can only see everything from his point of view and yes you will die a lttle more inside the longer you are with him.

You are expecting a normal reponse form an un normal person.
It won't work.
I am years down the line from this type of individual and the bottom line is when you need them they cannot be there for you.

For my partner it was what happened in his upbringing along with inherited traits that made him like that.

His new friendship is with another woman?

Do you think this friendship started a while ago before you told him to leave?

@Onthedunes is your ex partner my husband? Haha
Yes I think he is doing alot of things at the minute to punish me and try and bully me into my usual response of apologising and trying to fix everything.
I have been open and said to him that any change needs to come from him, I can't force it out of him.
He is very difficult to reason with. I find myself getting drawn into trying to explain myself and rationalise myself to him alot, but it's pointless.
I think they met at a hobby at around the time he left. She is married too. He says she doesn't know we have seperated, which I don't believe at all. I knew he was spending time with her and didn't mention it to him and he set up something knowing I would see them. It really hurts. To think that he did it deliberately, knowing it would hurt me is even worse.

I have expressed how hurtful the timing of it all is and he continues to arrange time with her.

Not really the actions of a man who claimed to want his family back.

Oh so his head has been turned and he want's to play and thinks you should just accept that until he's finished.

Yes he's self entitled but at the end of the day he has ruined your marriage and at some point this friendship may end and he will expect to be able to return.

Thats up to you, I am married still am, but separated coundn't cope with the disrespect and disloyalty, I now no longer respcect him, totally grey rocked him and now he would give anything for me to care as I did before.

You can't have a meaningful relationship with people like that, they end up destroying you.

@Onthedunes Yes I think he has had his head turned. I'm not sure if there is anything in it. He claims she thinks he is happily married. He's lieing to one of us and unfortunately I think its me.
He knows spending time with her has hurt me, yet continues to do it. I'm becoming quite obsessive over it too which I really need to try and stop.
Did your husband cheat? I don't think mine ever has.
He doesn't respect me though. He treats me with utter contempt but throwing around some face niceties and pretending to care at times has made me overlook that, simply because I love him.

We've had some good times though and have beautiful dc.

How long did it take for you to be able to disconnect properly from him.

Would you say you are happy now?

No one can give you a time span for how long it can take to get over someone but yes you can be happy again.

You will revert back to the person you were before you met him and that can be very liberating , saying hello to yourself after a very long time of being with someone who never put you first.

You are presently in the thick of it at the moment and must be very confused as what to do, some things need time to become clear, there are still unaswered questions for you.

PM if you wish.
x

@Onthedunes yes it's a really confusing time for me.

To be so unheard and so unimportant after such a long time is a difficult pill to swallow.

As I have been typing this he has messaged suggesting we spend time together?!?
I don't understand what's going on. Last week he made a very unkind comment to me and suggested we reduce contact, which is what I've done. I've kept out of the way when he has been over with the dc.
He's plays with my head so much.

I'm very sorry he is behaving this way, it's completely is a mind fuck he sounds as he's being cruel for the sake of it.

Maybe he's getting bored of his freedom?

You deserve answers.

Yes it is a headfuck.

I have declined his offer.
I do think he maybe gets a kick out of my response when he hurts me.
I will be a bad person again now as he has "tried".
He possible is missing family life, or his home comforts at least. Maybe he has realised that I'm not the shit wife he told me i was after all.
Staying strong is so hard. My head is such a mess with it all. My gut knows he won't change though, not for me at least.

You are worth so much more. You took control and ended it so my advice is stick to your guns. He isn’t going to change and be the partner you need. Don’t let this head wrecker back into your life - he is hedging his bets and toying with you. Do you want to waste more time on him? No! Don’t engage in any messages that aren’t child related and block him on social media. You don’t need to know anymore about his ‘friend’. take your time and start making little plans to move forward . He will never change.

It's frustrating as he has painted me as such a difficult, unreasonable person, when all I wanted was some equality and respect.
I just wanted him to step up, be kind and supportive, try and put mine and the dc's needs above his own occasionally.
I don't think he realises how worthless he has made me feel, particularly since he left.

I don't want to tell him though as I end up just trying to justify my feelings why he tells me they're wrong or twists the truth to suit his narrative.
I have spent such a long time wondering how I can change and do better, but he seems incapable of self reflection.

@Onthedunes, your posts are spot on.

Op, how old are you and your dc?

If your Ex is narcisstic then he is following a well known behaviour pattern that myself and Onthedunes know.

Like you I called time (several years ago) on narcisstic Ex. At the time I had no idea of this personality disorder and it was only his behaviour post separation that made me realise he was not "normal".

If he is narcisstic then there is always another person in the wings ready to replace the spouse. If they try to ping back it's usually because the other person isn't available or they are been unambigious about being together. Narcisstic people cannot be alone.

In my case, which I only knew about on reflection, Ex was lining up someone (who was also married but similarly never left until they had someone else). Once they had decided to be together his behaviour to me ramped up. This is because narcissists cannot accept any responsibility for their part in a relationship ending and they have to portray themselves as a victim.

Like you we had beautiful, successful happy dc, no money concerns, lovely life but to a narcissist the cycle of idealise, devalue, discard is inevitable. You were probadly in the devalue stage and during that phase if you enforce boundaries it ramps up their anger.

A narcisstic breakup is NOT like another relationship breakup and it takes way longer to heal. Mostly because they continue hurting you post separation. Ex flaunted his new partner which was completely deliberate (too outing to describe how) and I refused to react. He still continues to blame me for everything but as dc are older they do see it. An example, he will cancel seeing the dc and then say to the dc "your mum is stopping me from seeing you". It's not good practice to involve the dc but I have had to show them his messages to confirm he has cancelled. They kinda "get" it now but since no one can relate to a narcisstic mind they don't understand it!

There are lots of helpful resources on toxic relationships so start reading as therapists don't have enough knowledge to correctly counsel the processing of these relationships.

Do you think he could be a narcissist?
I know he is selfish and I really don't think he has the same thought process as most people. His perspective is quite skewed at times.
He has done things to get a rose out of me/hurt me since he left.

I used to say to him that he spent too much time winding me up as a form of entertainment for him.
I don't think anyone realised how messy my head is at the moment with it all.
I am mid 30's and children are primary age.

We've been together since I was a teen. He's all I've ever known.
I really did love him too. He was all I ever wanted. I don't think I will ever understanding why he has treat me like this.

Yes I think he could be, the thing is with narcs is you will never know the truth of the situation or what he actually wants or doesn't want.

The game is confusion, to keep you perpetually mixed up so you don't know what's real anymore.

The rules of your marriage that you have known upto now have just been ripped up and there are new rules in place that you don't understand. Whether he wishes to discard you, we don't know but even if he does he will engineer the ending so there is always a chance to hoover you back in, he remains the victim, fight that and you are in trouble.

Narcisists do not ever let go of anyone completely and let you live again, they like to control everything.

All he knows is he was devaluing you and you had the audacity to put boundaries in place, he allowed you a glimps into his life with this ow purposefully to show you who's boss and to hurt you.

Make no mistake this will not be the first time he has had 'women friends', he allowed you to see this because you were not providing him with the required attention he needed.
It doesn't matter what you needed, it never did.

You have trusted this man and why shouldn't you have, his mask has been up and he's never really up to this point had to show you the real him.

Well this is the real him and believe me their masks can fall a lot more.

The feeling at first is like any other relationship, to feel rejected hurt and angry when your partner devalues you or discards you but for you to fight it or think you are on an equal footing with one of these phychos is very dangerous, to expect remorse, respect or an apology is out of the question even if he wants to return home.

Eventually you will learn the safest place to be is away from them, hopefully with them not thinking about you.

It is difficult to explain when you are only at the beggining of this journey but believe me it is not a fight you should undertake, no it is not fair or reasonable but you are dealing with someone who has a different rulebook to others.

You probably don't want to believe any of this and I hope to god he doesn't inflict too much hurt on you but find out what you are dealing with, knowledge will help you.

Wow that was a really difficult read but unfortunately it resonated with me alot.

It's so hard trying to understand how someone's thought process can be so different from your own.
I told my counsellor that I think he sees me as an extension of himself, not my own person, so when I'm not doing as he wants, he really struggles with it.
I don't think I will ever trust anyone again.

@Sundayblues21, thinking he treats you as an extension of him is certainly a narcissist trait. The fact that you imposed boundaries and he reacted very badly is also highly indicative of narcisstic traits. You will never know, definitively, as he won't get a diagnosis but it's wise to act as if he is narcisstic so you know what to expect. I only started to heal once I learnt that I had to go low contact. I also learnt I couldn't expect a normal, decent response from him but still a few years down the line he is capable of shocking me. Ex is ultra charming to those he believes can benefit him. In fact he fawns over people with status or money however he is brutal to those that he views of no consequence. I was idealised once, for quite a few years, and I genuinely thought we were soulmates.

Start researching narcissists, especially covert or vulnerable narcissism and see if the behavior relates. If he had a toxic childhood that is also a factor but I believe there is a also a genetic factor as well.

I completely relate to your feeling of never trusting anyone again. I am super alert to red flags as I know I missed some at the start. Many of us did because you don't assume that some people are capable of such behaviour.

You are young. That's such a positive as it means you can recover emotional, physically and financially.

.

Wow this whole thread has opened my eyes , I've posted on other topics before but this really resonates.
I won't hijack but @Sundayblues21 , I could have written some of your words. I get your confusion and pain. Since my stbxh realised that I was actually serious about leaving him, whatever boundary he had in place when we were together, to drive me to the edge and then at last moment rescue me, so i wouldn't leave , has been completed eradicated and he has gone full throttle to hurt punish and goad me. It's very hard to take. Like you I can remember and almost still feel the good times. But his disgusting behaviour towards me since the seperation has actually eroded all those good memories so that now I'm left hating him and am so confused about any feelings left towards him .
But this is what they do. If they haven't succeeded in breaking your spirit in the marraige then they will try do it in the aftermath.
I really hope you are OK and start to really feel your worth. My stbxh was my only and first real relationship too, only man I've ever been with . So like you, I literally know nothing else. It hurts , it really does, but there is no choice here. You cannot subject yourself to a life like that. I've wasted 15 years of my life ( obviously not totally wasted as have dc ) I didn't even realise I was in a controlling emotion abusive marraige , I hid things as well from my family that I shouldn't have. Made all sorts of excuses for him.
It ends now , think of yourself and your dc ...wishing you luck x

Thanks for your responses and sharing your stories @Fireflygal and @Hopeful22. It really does help me feel a little less alone in all this.

I feel like he will want to punish me forever. Flitting between making minimal effort (which he expects big rewards for) and deliberately going out of his way to hurt me, so I never know where I stand.

I take it we all think this is un salvageable now then and that I need to let go of the hope inside me that he will miraculously change and understand me?
I have gone low contact, as when I let him in abit he hurts me, but it's very challenging for me to not just apologise for causing all this upset and carry on as we were.