Passwords, PIN numbers etc

[Candleinthebreeze]

Ok I know there isn’t a one size fits all answer to this, but I’m looking for a genuine consensus

Wife and I have been together since late teens, approx 20 years. Lived together almost all of that time.

In 2014/15 she had multiple emotional affairs, using false profiles on tinder etc. I caught her out, she denied it but eventually admitted.

I still lack trust in her but try my best to not let it show or affect us.

In every other way are relationship is good and healthy etc.

She’s still fairly secretive over her phone. Not ridiculous but she won’t tell me the password etc, I haven’t demanded it, just mentioned in conversation but she said she’d never disclose it.

She doesn’t know my phone/iPad pin but I would happily tell her both.

We’re late 30’s, married with kids etc.

Do you know your partners pin/password?

Your W had multiple EAs and was on a hook-up site, yet she is still secretive with her phone and states that she will never disclose her password??

OP, full transparency with devices is standard in infidelity recovery for rebuilding trust and emotional safety. Did you not require this after discovery? Your W should be moving mountains to help you heal. You should be able to openly express your feelings and needs.

She doesn’t sound remorseful.

No, but I’d give it to him if he asked. We often show each other things on phones, or swap them to look at photos or whatever so it’s always with the full knowledge and consent of each other but it wouldn’t even cross my mind to ask for his PIN.

We use each other’s phones iPads and computers so, yes, we know each other’s log in details. Or, rather I know his. He has to ask me mine every time.

However, our situation appears to be completely different to the OP’s

Thanks everyone for the replies.

A number of you commented about trust. Yes, the trust is gone. It used to be 100%, but it never will be again. Is that ideal? No of course not, but it doesn’t have to mean end relationship, I would like to save things. I don’t want to throw away a lot of happiness and memories unless there is no other option.

After this experience, even if I ended it, met someone next week etc etc I’m not sure my lack of trust wouldn’t follow me into that relationship anyway.

I expected to feel better about it by now but I don’t. The pain is real, it’s intense and it is frankly horrible. I guess that shows I care if nothing else.

It’s very easy to say walk away. But I don’t think that’s the right option for either us, or our family’s at this stage.

I don’t want her password etc so that I can scrutinise her phone, I want it so that if anything ever happened to her I could access her info, and so that if I had a nagging doubt at least I’d have the ability to look. I have no interest in reading her messages from friends and family etc, I just want to know that there aren’t multiple guys she’s talking to on WhatsApp and that tinder etc aren tinstalled

OP - you have been together since being teenagers. I am assuming you are each other only sex partners - or you might have had some limited experience with others as teens.
You must realise that most relationships that are like this rub into some sort of issues along the way. Just because most people struggle to be with just one person for most of their lives.
And while it’s not impossible for it to work - it does take work to keep it going and keep being interested in the same person.
So - I get that you might feel a bit insecure. But you’ll only be pushing her away and if you insist on taking away her privacy.

Have you ever had real honest conversations about your relationship and why she did what she did? And how the relationship can change so that it doesn’t happen again?
If you haven’t - I think you need to - for the sake of you both.
And - if I were you - I’d look up Mating in Captivity. The author talks about how to maintain ‘newness’ in long term relationships.
She also has other books you might find interesting.

So - I’ll summarise. Try to refocus from wanting to control your W and focus rather on making sure your relationship is a place where both of you feel fulfilled.

@MMmomDD

OP - you have been together since being teenagers. I am assuming you are each other only sex partners - or you might have had some limited experience with others as teens. You must realise that most relationships that are like this rub into some sort of issues along the way. Just because most people struggle to be with just one person for most of their lives. And while it’s not impossible for it to work - it does take work to keep it going and keep being interested in the same person. So - I get that you might feel a bit insecure. But you’ll only be pushing her away and if you insist on taking away her privacy.

Have you ever had real honest conversations about your relationship and why she did what she did? And how the relationship can change so that it doesn’t happen again?
If you haven’t - I think you need to - for the sake of you both.
And - if I were you - I’d look up Mating in Captivity. The author talks about how to maintain ‘newness’ in long term relationships.
She also has other books you might find interesting.

So - I’ll summarise. Try to refocus from wanting to control your W and focus rather on making sure your relationship is a place where both of you feel fulfilled.

Hi, very valid points.

Never imagined I’d discuss my sex life, but here goes

She had 3 boyfriends before me, sex with one of them on 2 occasions, general teen fumbling with the other 2.

I was an early starter, being close to 2 older brothers I was used to nightclubs etc from a higher age than si should have been, I’d had several one night stands and short relationships.

For me I changed the moment I met her. I decided immediately I didn’t want to live that way any more and went from heavy drinking to on,y moderate to not touching alcohol at all, totally changed my attitudes and basically grew up.

We have been open with each other about our previous sex lives and I believe she is telling the truth.

Tbh I know this might sound daft but I blame programmes like love island. I didn’t notice it at the time, but in hindsight, I think she was literally toturting herself seeing the woman kn programmes like that having men falling at their feet and wanted that kind of feeling herself, hence the fake profiles, all,of which were 10/10 good looking girls pics used.

To me she is attractive, she is overweight (as am I!), and lacks confidence (as do I!). I know she feels unattractive and I do reassure her but possibly not enough, equally I think it’s important not to over do it so I try to strike a balance.

Our lifestyles are good, our sex life is good in terms of quantity but a bit vanilla, although she’s fine with that I’d like a bit more adventure but I’m not going to push that issue, it’s a molehill of a gripe for me when walking through a mountainous valley.

I did tell her a few months ago my views on programmes like love island, and the pressure she put on herself as a result of watching them and to my amazement she actually agreed, she has stopped watching them altogether although I have stressed to her I don’t think watching them is an issue in itself she said it ha shelled her nit watching them.

Whatever the rights or wrongs of her and what she did, I’m doing my best to create and maintain a happy life for us all, as a male, in this situation, it’s impossible to talk to anyone in real life, so I do appreciate the help here

LTB

@skipperjonce

LTB

LTB?

My husband does not know my bank/card PINs, I do not know his (technically a breach of Ts&Cs if we did), but never any need to, we would just use our own cards.

We both know the passwords to each other's phones (normally unlock our own with fingerprints). I do not know his email password, but his emails are on the computers in the home office which he has no problem with me using and I know the password to the computer, his Facebook, Instagram, Twitter etc. are logged in on there as well. With regard to the phones if he was driving and needed to send a quick message or work email he would ask me to send it from his phone and he knows I know his password and has no problem with me being on his phone. I do not have any need to look at his phone apart from that, but I know I know the passwords if I was that way inclined and it would seem odd to me to keep that secret from him.

OP - you sound both naive and somewhat controlling.
You think a TV program made her curious about other men and want to have male attention? Really? And you suggested she didn’t each it…🤷🏻‍♀️

Humans are sexual beings and wanting and needing attention from the other sex is a completely natural thing.
Issue is that both of you didn’t really get to experience exploring it properly when you were young. A few teenage ‘experiences’ don’t really count.
Most other people around you spent their teens/20s exploring the world of adult relationships and yes, sex with various people.
So by the time they settled down they both knew themselves better and knew what is out there, so to speak.
Neither of you did. And while for you it seems that the curiosity isn’t there as much - other than your desire for less vanilla sex. For your W - there is a latent need that’s there. So telling her not to watch Love Island isn’t really a way to deal with it in the long term.
You mentioned she is also overweight - is possibly channeling her frustrations toward overeating?

Anyway - it’s hard to really say anything without knowing her and your family dynamics. But from the snippets it does seem that you two need to have a bit of ‘relationship tuneup’.
Have you considered family counselling?

DH doesn't keep the numbers away from me but I have to ask him everytime as I can never remember them!!
I only ask if my phone has run out of charge and I ask if I can use his phone ( to MN usually!) or if he asks me to phone one of our lads up if we are driving, that type of thing.
Phones, ipads etc are left laying around.

It is only recently that we got a seperate email account which people find hard to believe but everything piled into the one account. I think I viewed it like a letter box and thought , Oh, that's the email about insurance ( home stuff), that email is for DH, so left it alone, and so on.

@MMmomDD

OP - you sound both naive and somewhat controlling. You think a TV program made her curious about other men and want to have male attention? Really? And you suggested she didn’t each it…🤷🏻‍♀️

Humans are sexual beings and wanting and needing attention from the other sex is a completely natural thing.
Issue is that both of you didn’t really get to experience exploring it properly when you were young. A few teenage ‘experiences’ don’t really count.
Most other people around you spent their teens/20s exploring the world of adult relationships and yes, sex with various people.
So by the time they settled down they both knew themselves better and knew what is out there, so to speak.
Neither of you did. And while for you it seems that the curiosity isn’t there as much - other than your desire for less vanilla sex. For your W - there is a latent need that’s there. So telling her not to watch Love Island isn’t really a way to deal with it in the long term.
You mentioned she is also overweight - is possibly channeling her frustrations toward overeating?

Anyway - it’s hard to really say anything without knowing her and your family dynamics. But from the snippets it does seem that you two need to have a bit of ‘relationship tuneup’.
Have you considered family counselling?

I suggested dit to support her, it was clear from her fake accounts she was wanting to be a 19yr old size 8 model, when in reality she was approaching 30 and had a very normal body for what of a better phrase.

At no,point have I ever told what she can or can’t do, watch etc, it was a suggestions to support her, I felt she was torturing herself by watching it tbh!she want interested in them, the show etc.

We’ve both been overweight for som time, we eat out 2-3 nights a week so that’s why, but we are dealing with that.

We can access each others phones and often do.

We had access to each other's devices, bank accounts. Separate bank accounts though. It just made life easier.

I know my partners pass code, I tell him mine weekly but he forgets 🤣🤣 we share a bank account and he needs to be told the pin every time 🙈🙈 total transparency here. Its the only way a long term relationship would work for me.

I don’t have my DH passwords/ pin etc.He doesn’t have mine. I want privacy and so does he. We are married but we are still seperate people.
I understand why you don’t trust her. She had several emotional affairs and she denied it till she couldn’t deny it anymore. You will never trust her 100% ever again, that’s just a fact of life.
I never can understand why people post fake pictures of someone really hot, then catfish people into talking/ sexting etc. Those people aren’t talking to you, they’re talking to the image of the person in the pic. Always thought that regardless of who is doing it, it’s very manipulative and more than a bit creepy. Sorry

@Hopingforabagofbuttons

I don’t have my DH passwords/ pin etc.He doesn’t have mine. I want privacy and so does he. We are married but we are still seperate people. I understand why you don’t trust her. She had several emotional affairs and she denied it till she couldn’t deny it anymore. You will never trust her 100% ever again, that’s just a fact of life. I never can understand why people post fake pictures of someone really hot, then catfish people into talking/ sexting etc. Those people aren’t talking to you, they’re talking to the image of the person in the pic. Always thought that regardless of who is doing it, it’s very manipulative and more than a bit creepy. Sorry

I agree, it’s creepy/weird.

I would never have predicted her doing it. From the day I caught her, I was able track emails and accounts going back about a year, there were gaps of several weeks(but possible other accounts were in use that I didn’t find)

It’s totally out of character for her and nobody would imagine she would do that, she’s in a senior job role in education, very professional, just made some ridiculous choices. I think she liked the idea of some 20-30 something studs lusting after her. However you analyse it it’s ridiculous. She was all over their Facebook pages with I love you’s etc, very ott in a way I wish she was with me tbh.

That’s my exact point. They weren’t lusting after her, they were lusting after the woman in the pic, it all seems so pointless. She has destroyed the trust within her marriage for nothing. The guys she was chatting to had no idea they were talking to her. It’s all such a waste

In surveys, 67% of couples share their credentials. It doesn't vary much with age: 64% of 18-29-year-olds share passwords, compared with 70% of 30-49-year-olds, 66% of 50-64-year-olds, and 69% of those over 65.

It doesn't matter you don't trust her. And nothing will bring that back

Heck I barely remember my own let alone someone else's.

@Candleinthebreeze

No. I wouldn't give him the password to my phone because I have private conversations with friends. I care about their privacy if they choose to tell me something, it doesn't mean they've chosen to tell him. I also think it's healthy to have privacy.

We have separate finances. He knows my pin number to my bank account and I know his, but as we have separate joint account we both just use that for joint expenses. We've been together 18 years.

But then (to the best of my knowledge) he's not had or having an affair. I trust him.

You don't trust your wife, for good reason. But I don't think demanding passwords will bring about that trust.

My partner knows my phone code, because iv given it to him
He wouldn't remember it tho.

I know his password to his ipad because i sometimes use it

He hasnt got a phone so no passwords to know
But if he did have a phone and he said he wouldnt give me the password, i would be very suspicious