Passwords, PIN numbers etc

[Candleinthebreeze]

Ok I know there isn’t a one size fits all answer to this, but I’m looking for a genuine consensus

Wife and I have been together since late teens, approx 20 years. Lived together almost all of that time.

In 2014/15 she had multiple emotional affairs, using false profiles on tinder etc. I caught her out, she denied it but eventually admitted.

I still lack trust in her but try my best to not let it show or affect us.

In every other way are relationship is good and healthy etc.

She’s still fairly secretive over her phone. Not ridiculous but she won’t tell me the password etc, I haven’t demanded it, just mentioned in conversation but she said she’d never disclose it.

She doesn’t know my phone/iPad pin but I would happily tell her both.

We’re late 30’s, married with kids etc.

Do you know your partners pin/password?

No, we don't, but only because we never have any need to use each other's phone.
Because we have so many passwords, most are written in a book we both use (not the password, but things that would tell us what it was... prompt questions if you like) so we can get in to household accounts etc.
As others have said - we don't have any trust issues, and neither of us has set up profiles on dating sites, so we are coming from a different place from yourself.

No my phone is completely private. As is my work phone.
My exh was incredibly abusive and would use my phone to abuse me, he had to see everything. Every conversation I had with anyone, he would pick apart the wording and use it to punish me. Work WhatsApp groups were a nightmare.

I would find him, going through it in the night. He then eventually started tracking me via it.

The way I see it, is you either trust me or you don't. And if you don't, you know where the door is. I won't ever jump through hoops to prove myself again.

That said, if dp needed to use my phone I would unlock it and give him it. If I found he gone through my messages or whatever instead of just using my phone, I would end the relationship.

The problem, is that your wife broke your trust. You can't get that back, not in the same way. So, I do get why this is worrying you.

But I stand by what I said, if you can't trust someone the relationship is dead in the water. Everything else can't be good, if you don't trust her. And I get why you don't.

But how you move forward is a much bigger decision.

@Hekatestorch

No my phone is completely private. As is my work phone. My exh was incredibly abusive and would use my phone to abuse me, he had to see everything. Every conversation I had with anyone, he would pick apart the wording and use it to punish me. Work WhatsApp groups were a nightmare.

I would find him, going through it in the night. He then eventually started tracking me via it.

The way I see it, is you either trust me or you don't. And if you don't, you know where the door is. I won't ever jump through hoops to prove myself again.

That said, if dp needed to use my phone I would unlock it and give him it. If I found he gone through my messages or whatever instead of just using my phone, I would end the relationship.

The problem, is that your wife broke your trust. You can't get that back, not in the same way. So, I do get why this is worrying you.

But I stand by what I said, if you can't trust someone the relationship is dead in the water. Everything else can't be good, if you don't trust her. And I get why you don't.

But how you move forward is a much bigger decision.

Thanks, I appreciate your reply and you’re right.

I caught her in 2015, it was my birthday, so can remember it well. A lot of time has passed but nagging doubts still exist. Maybe unfairly so.

I know this goes with the territory of staying with her after what was essentially cheating, I just hoped /expected it would be much less by now

I haven’t asked DH, he would tell he if I asked and I no would certainly tell him. He is the only person other than my mum and brother that I trust implicitly.

I don’t think the trust will ever come back, so yes I’ll always have worries

Then what's the point? Your marriage is a sham. Without trust, there is nothing. Do yourself a massive favour and get a divorce. You will have nothing but years filled with doubt and anxiety if you don't.

Yes, we know each other's. In fact we use the same one for easy access if required. Neither of us have ever felt the need to look at the other's devices though. We trust each other.

Yes we do, we also have identical phones, and more than once DH has taken mine in error and left his with me, and vice versa.
It's not a problem, we have nothing to hide, I do get more calls than him though and he doesn't enjoy playing secretary for me!!!😂

Yes. All of our passwords are stored in a free but excellent password manager Bitwarden - it runs on Android, Windows and iOS app we have it on all our tablets, phones etc - I make sure she knows how to get in to my phone and she's welcome to - we can get on to each others Facebook profiles and messenger, WhatsApp, etc - we both message our daughters from both of our Facebook accounts. There are lots of reasons for this - in an emergency I'd want her to be able to use my phone. More importantly perhaps - if I were to die she wouldn't have any problems getting on to various sites - we have joint bank accounts but I do all the bill paying and banking etc so she would need to be able to carry on using those sites if I want around. My daughter also has the master password for the password manager.

I'm far more social on line than my wife and have internet only friends that live in other countries that I'll probably never meet IRL but I have friendships that started out as shared interests on forums that go back about 15 years in several cases and I still like to make new friends on sites like Interpals (I met up with one person who visited the UK about 5 years ago - a friend, a writer, poet, musician that I'd known for 5 years on line and still keep in touch with most weeks) - long standing friends in Canada, Australia and the US I'll very probably never meet. Anyway - all my passwords are available to her and I make sure she can navigate around my phone, tablet and PC - I would have her fingerprints saved do she log in to my devices but honestly - she doesn't have any - they are so don't that fingerprint readers simply don't work on her fingers. So she had access to all my emails of she wants - the bottom line is there is nothing to hide - of course, being an ex software developer, I could do if I wanted to but I don't. I could read any of her messages on her Facebook messenger but it of respect I never do even through we might both be messaging a friend or a daughter on my wife's iPad for instance - I just don't need to - I don't have the urge to and I'm not that interested.

Yes we know all of each others passwords/ PIN/ log-ins

There's no trust issues, if a phone rings we'll answer if we're nearest. Transfer money into various accounts, and log in to iPads, laptops etc for emails, internet banking etc. Grab any card to pay etc.

Having nothing to hide from each other, there's no need for privacy really. It's never bothered us in the slightest.

Yes we know phone passwords too, he has a face recognition thing on his, I wouldn’t have a clue how to use it

I know my DH's - part of it is my birthday 😄
I'm sorry that this has happened to you. It must be incredibly difficult to move past. But at the same time if you have decided to forgive her then you must do your best to do so.

What other people are doing in their marriages where cheating does not (or has not yet) existed is kind of irrelevant here OP.

She broke your trust, she cheated, you found out by looking at her mobile phone and she continues to be secretive around devices. This will be triggering for you and create a feeling of hyper-vigilance for you. What you’re describing is absolutely normal for a betrayed.

There is a book ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’, I’d suggest you read it (it’s very short) and have a clearer picture of what is common expectations to attempt to build trust after cheating. Access to devices is one of them.

From my perspective I chose not to pursue this as I am bitterly aware that my husband can use other ways of contact if he chose to have another affair, full device disclosure doesn’t help me to feel safe BUT it might help you. My husband dies however leave his devices put on full display and is never sneaky with them.

Trust is not the same after cheating but it is possible if both partners are fully involved in repairing the damage, it’s a kind of trust with a dose of realism. I suspect you have not really explored the pain and hurt her emotional affairs have caused you and as such haven’t really understood what you need to heal.

I’d honestly take a look at that book and then have a frank conversation with her about all this.

Good luck.

I know DHs. I doubt he knows mine even though I've told him as it's a struggle to remember his own!🤣

Im 100% not controlling

That's what they all say.

@NannyAndJohn

Im 100% not controlling

That's what they all say.

Not helpful but ok.

I cannot think of any aspect of our lives where I would be described as controlling by anyone, but ok.

Pretty sure my OH knows the PIN for my phone, well I've told her anyway. She knows my password to log in to our laptop, if she wants to log in as me. Quite possibly knows my work phone password as well. No idea what any of her PINs/passwords are and to be honest, I'm not interested in knowing.

The way I look at it is, If people are going to do anything dodgy, that's on them, they'll always find a way if the want to. Should I ever find out anything dodgy has occurred, I'll deal with it at the time.

If you can’t trust her then how can you stay in the relationship?

Yes. Mostly we use the same password as each other but occasionally, he might use another one (which I know).

Yes but I wouldn’t be looking through messages without permission.

If you don’t trust your wife it sounds like it’s time to call it a day.

No, my DH and kids can’t get into mine.
My DH changed the PIn on his phone, so I did too.

DH and I have the same phone pin, it's the same for our ipads too and we both have our email accounts open on them.
No trust issues here.

If DH suddenly changed his Pin and refused to tell me I'd straight away think he was up to something.

The problem here is she broke your trust, her giving you her phone PIN won't fix that, which deep down you know. Seriously consider the future of your marriage because I believe once trust has been broken you can glue things back together again, but you'll never fully repair the cracks

He could guess mine if he thought about it. But he's not stalky, controlling or posting about things on MN wanting to know it.

My ex, however, he'd say I had multiple hookups and Internet affairs and couldn't believe I wanted a pin for my phone. If you call an open university course an Internet affair and a trip to the shop to buy food without him supervising a hookup, that is.

We know each other's and use each other's phones on a regular basis. I'm the point of contact for pretty much everything house/child related so if anything happens to me DH needs to be able to access things.

If the need was there she could easily have another phone/SIM, or just delete/hide anything she doesn't want you to see.. PIN or not, the trust is gone, I'd call it a day.

I know some of his - PIN to phone and password to the main email address (to which the others fall back if you do a reset - done like this so that if anything happens to him, I stand a chance of being able to sort out his online stuff)

But I'm nit sure how relevant all this is to OP.

DW had an affair. It's really important that the cheating partner does whatever is needed - including giving up privacy of communications - for as long as it takes to restore trust. That's an obvious consequence of breaching that trust and one that a cheating partners, whose intentions to reconciliation are genuine, will do happily. As they will understand what they need to do to put things right, understand it's in them, and live an open life that is above board.

A cheating partner who remains secretive is a concern.

And having any private accounts counts as secretive in this specific context. OP is not talking about reasonable privacy for a trustworthy person