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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Risk of married to Police/Detective

43 replies

ChippingSunflowers · 06/09/2021 10:28

Hi Guys,

My husband of 6 years is thinking of persuing a career in Police force possibly detective.
I’ve always known of affairs in this line of work ( I know they can happen anywhere but this seems to be more talked of) and how it can change behaviour such as their ego, being secretive etc.

Anyone have any experience / stories to share ? I have always supported my husbands career choices but they have always been a priority over mine and I just worry how this particular choice could effect us.

OP posts:
Stircraazy · 06/09/2021 10:30

So female police officers are actually femme fatales, sexy seductresses - presuming he is heterosexual.
Not the ones I know!!

WeAreTheHeroes · 06/09/2021 10:31

If that's your first thought, you've bigger issues than your husband's choice of career!

JorisBonson · 06/09/2021 10:32

I'm a detective. DH also a police officer. We have had zero affairs between us.

CorrBlimeyGG · 06/09/2021 10:32

My concern would be, if he did become abusive, who would you go to for help? The police have a habit of wanting to deal with these things internally, protecting their own rather than the victim.

The vast majority of police officers are not abusive, but you're right to consider the possible difficulties the job could bring you.

ExplodingCarrots · 06/09/2021 10:33

I know there is that saying 'join the force get a divorce ' but I wouldn't get too fixated on it. I have a few close friends / family in the police and they said whilst there are some affairs , it isn't any different to what you'd hear about in other work places.

BadgertheBodger · 06/09/2021 10:33

Honestly the hours would worry me more than an affair. Either you trust him or you don’t, what makes you think he would cheat on you given the opportunity? The hours are absolutely hideous and they miss a lot - birthdays, Christmas etc. It’s difficult to rely on them for any childcare as shifts frequently overrun, holidays and rest days get cancelled at short notice. I think it’s ok if you’re able to cope with that but they would be my main worries. I think the reason there are a lot of affairs in the police is that often the non-police partner in the relationship becomes resentful of the demands on their time and this can, in some circumstances, lead to people feeling that only their colleagues understand. To be honest though, I think that’s only likely to happen if someone was already predisposed to be a cheating shit and was looking for an excuse. 3 of my close friends are married to coppers and they are nice, normal family men with no hint of an affair ever happening.

ChequerBoard · 06/09/2021 10:35

You've been married for 6 years - do you trust him or not?

Worrying about him taking a specific career path is rather odd at this stage in the game.

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 06/09/2021 10:38

This would be the least of my worries! DH took early retirement from 'the job' shortly after we met. The thought of him getting stabbed or somesuch was what was on my mind.

He had dealt with several horrific things in a row with zero support from above too which was the decider on his finishing. He was severely affected when I first met him.

I would have gone nuts married to a cop. I've had to deal with twats in my job but that would a level of stress I could not have managed.

Hoppinggreen · 06/09/2021 10:41

If my DH was in The Police my first thought would be concerns for his safety THEN the irregular hours.
I wouldn’t worry about him having an affair, men who have affairs have affairs because they are Dicks, not because they are Police officers

HotSauceCommittee · 06/09/2021 10:43

I work in CID and this doesn't happen. Well, not on our team anyway.
The job can sometimes take more than you feel you can give, but there is a feeling of "police family" and they are big on MH, stress and work-life balance nowadays.

Original poster
ChippingSunflowers · 06/09/2021 10:46

Thanks for those who have replied with helpful comments. Those that just judge… have a nice day.
For further context about hours/safety etc. His previous job meant he was away a lot in very unsafe environments so this job would have him home more and markedly safer environments so I have zero concern for this it’s actually positives for us.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChippingSunflowers · 06/09/2021 10:46

I meant to say thanks for those who replied helpfully:)

OP posts:
PaterPower · 06/09/2021 10:47

If we’re going purely on anecdotal evidence, I’ve known (close enough to count as friends) exactly 2 female Police officers and 4 male.

Of the two women, one cheated on her fiancé with a (married) Sergeant. He was her TO and they shared a patrol car for long periods, for whatever difference that might have made. The other has strong morals and I think it’s unlikely she’s ever had an affair - but I can’t know for sure.

One of the male officers was pretty prolifically cheating on his then partner. I know one of the others had at least 1 one night stand. AFAIK, the other two have always been serially monogamous.

The Police are just people. Your DH will be neither more, nor less, likely to cheat than he is now.

gindreams · 06/09/2021 10:48

I think you might find the hours, change of shift at the last minute more of a problem

runwithme · 06/09/2021 10:53

I've been with DH since he became a police officer, in 2003. The shifts can be a pain, but you learn to deal with them. There were a few officers his previous teams who did have affairs, and a few who didn't. As he has progressed and gone to more specialist roles there are less affairs. I'm not sure if there is a correlation but he is super, super busy and there is no time for affairs!
I've no DV concerns, he would never hit me. He does an incredible job, works so hard and is so proud of what he does, as am I. He also respects my job, which is important in any relationship.
Prior to DH I was seeing a guy in IT. He was a serial abusive cheater. So anyone can cheat, and anyone can be abusive.

BrozTito · 06/09/2021 10:54

I wouldnt want anything to do with him. Seen too much petty, pathetic, aggressive behaviour from them though detectives seem much better

Original poster
ChippingSunflowers · 06/09/2021 10:58

Thanks @runwithme
I have zero concerns about DV too. And agree affairs happen anywhere. It’s just this common theme of how the job can change a person’s personality and I know there’s no crystal ball nor would I ever discourage and not support his choice. I was simply curious of people’s experiences as I originally said the only ones I know personally are not good ones.
Thanks again :)

OP posts:
ILoveAllRainbowsx · 06/09/2021 11:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

OldTinHat · 06/09/2021 11:06

My FWB is an ex copper. He had a horrendous MH breakdown due to the job that caused his marriage to end. His brother is armed police , his dad was CID and their marriages have been safe and sound!

godmum56 · 06/09/2021 11:16

i was sort of a part of the local medical community.....not to socialise but I heard the goss.....it was like musical beds......also the industry that my husband worked in. i think if its gonna happen, its gonna happen.

rhowton · 06/09/2021 11:39

It isnt that Police Officer's are more likely to cheat as people. It is that their job is pretty horrendous and you have to learn to compartmentalise. The PO's spouse will never really see the horrors they witness daily, or how awful it is. When you work with someone on a shift pattern that is pretty unforgiving (6 on 4 off), it is easy to fall for people who understand what you are going through. When you learn to compartmentalise, you sometimes do things that you wouldnt do normally.

Original poster
ChippingSunflowers · 06/09/2021 11:57

That’s really insightful and makes complete sense @rhowton
He’s worked in some terrible scenarios and I’ve always been an over active listener when I can see he needs to talk it out so hope that same tack would work here

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LemonTT · 06/09/2021 11:59

My experience is that they are very close knit but cliquey. Relationships and bonds are strong but so are rivalries. They see a lot of horror and their societal calibration can be off but they will suffer from ptsd and burnout.

They are one of the professions where people work very closely and irregularly. The provides the opportunity for affairs. But you can add in a lot of professions to that mix: military, health, fire, arts and hospitality. These are also gossipy professions. Affairs get outed and are sometimes made up. I worked in health and was notoriously having an affair with a colleague. He was gay and we were friends from university. I was then having an affair with my boss, when in reality living with his friend. The gossip isn’t always true.

I think what a lot of us would describe as an emotional affair happens. But they wouldn’t see it that way. They just get very close to each other in a way they don’t with civilians even spouses.

But like a pp said it’s the hours and commitment that will eat away. Planning holidays is shit.

RonRonRonWeasley · 06/09/2021 12:09

Married to my DH for 11 years, he joined the police and had a complete personality change and 1 year after joining the police we are getting a divorce. Before he was kind, caring and I couldn’t imagine him ever walking out on me and DC. But that’s just my personal experience.