Risk of married to Police/Detective

[ChippingSunflowers]

Hi Guys,

My husband of 6 years is thinking of persuing a career in Police force possibly detective.
I’ve always known of affairs in this line of work ( I know they can happen anywhere but this seems to be more talked of) and how it can change behaviour such as their ego, being secretive etc.

Anyone have any experience / stories to share ? I have always supported my husbands career choices but they have always been a priority over mine and I just worry how this particular choice could effect us.

I think shifts are usually a big change, to an extent its the kind of job that always has to come first- missed Christmases, birthdays, school events etc which can cause resentment and be disruptive to family life. Training often brings a different perspective to people, and the challenges on the job can lead to seeking comfort in colleagues who also understand; not saying in an affair way, but it can feel a bit isolating for family who cannot understand in the same way and sometimes get pushed away a bit. I would say it necessarily increases the chance of an affair in itself, but gives more opportunity in many ways, working late, doing nights etc, it's easier to have an excuse in being away from home. DV is also statistically higher, and it's not the job to blame, but similarly I think it's naive to assume its nothing to do with it.

I’m a police officer. Affairs are very common. That’s not what has put a strain on my marriage though. It’s the long hours, cancelled rest days at no notice, missing out on important family occasions. I love my job and would not change it for the world but my husband does not understand that. He’s actually the one who ended up having an affair (he’s not a police officer obviously).

The worst thing being married to a police officer is you don't know when they're coming home, and I don't mean that they might come to harm I just mean their finishing time on paper is rarely their finishing time. Days off are often cancelled for court too.
Being in the police doesn't automatically mean they're going to run off and have an affair, yes it happens and I can understand why it happens but it's definitely not a given.

As for people saying he may become abusive that won't happen just because he's a police officer.

Saying all that it's an extremely difficult job and he'll be witness to some horrific things and will sometimes feel like he's banging his head of a wall.
There will be sacrifices made by him and also by you. No one can tell you if it's a good or bad idea, its a decision only you as a couple can make.

It's no different to any large organisation, people fuck around of course.

It's not endemic to police detectives.

Might not be that helpful as my DP is a member of a different emergency service. But they also have a similar reputation.

90% of those he works with are pricks basically. There's multiple affairs going off between senior/junior staff and nothing is done about it. Some have caused severe disruption at work and it's swept under the carpet. The blokes seem to egg each other on to cheat on their partners at any opportunity.
They're also very egotistical and very much 'big up' the job they do.

If your DH is down to earth and trustworthy, surely he won't be affected by colleagues behaviour. My DP is nothing like the people he works with and his behaviour hasn't changed.
He doesn't talk to me about the horrible things he's seen and dealt with. He tries not to dwell on it.

He is very much affected by the behaviour he has to deal with from his colleagues though and that brings him down more than anything else.

I've been in short relationships with police officers before and did not like the ego they had. There was a lot of boasting going on. They were also demanding and expected you to do exactly what you were told. However, my cousin was a high ranking police officer and he does not have this attitude. I also cannot ever imagine him to have considered cheating on his (awful) wife.

I’d be more worried about him being injured or killed at work.

My bf is in the police, and he has some colleagues who have affairs, plenty of others who never have. But I work a corporate job, and a similar number of people have affairs in every company I've worked for. This is really not something to worry about - if people did equally detailed research on the number of affairs or domestic abuse (?) in every profession, I'm sure the stats would all be similar.

However, the hours are tough. As pp have said, it can be very unreliable and I do often find myself spending weekends alone, or going to events by myself. I'm very independent so it isn't too much of an issue, but it does sometimes get frustrating that we don't get as much time together as I'd like. I do also worry about his safety regularly. For this, I think front line policing is better than CID as the the shifts are more consistent, and once done, it's done, so you can plan. When he was in CID, a case could mean he could never switch off work, and hours were a lot longer - for no extra pay.

The job security and stability, I do appreciate however. If you can make a life with your own friends, hobbies and your DH is good at pulling his weight when home - then there isn't a problem. My bf does really enjoy his job, and I would rather that than him spending 10 hours a day in something he hates.

Is he currently in the army by any chance? (only guessing due to your mention of being away lots in dangerous situations) if so I'd be far more worried about affairs now then in the police. I've worked in both environments, and while affairs happen everywhere it was a million times more common in the army. That said policing is a unique role, and it will likely have an impact on his personality over time. I can see why you would be concerned.

I’ll be honest, I’m in Scotland, but everyone I know that has joined the police in the last decade to present (spread throughout the country), their marriage has ended or nearly ended. One man I know and his police buddies cheat on their partners regularly when out - not sure if the partners are aware or not. I don’t think being in the police makes you cheat, but if your going to do it anyway I think it provides opportunity to do it.

But if it’s something he really wants to do then I would support him. I don’t know that many people, so who knows if it’s a fair representation.

My ex is in the police and left me (while pregnant with dd2) for someone he worked with who he is now married to. I didn't believe it would happen to me but apparently did. I can see why as all their social time they spend with their own team due to shifts and not having many weekends off etc. As others have said it's not just the job though and a decent guy wouldn't do it.

I’d like to 100% echo what @todaysdilemma had to say. My BF is a relatively new police officer (almost two years) and they introduced a rotational program which means we’ve gotten a preview of what life/schedules will be like in certain areas like response and CID.

Bottom line is I trust him, he’s happy at home and never doubt that I’m a priority, even when he gets stuck at work. Annnnd we joke that he doesn’t have the energy or imagination to carry on with another girl, bless him ;)

I was married to one. I thought affairs were common in my line of work, but almost everyone was having an affair amongst his colleagues (and I'm sure he had many too, looking back). After I divorced him, I stupidly went out with another (Inspector CID) and he turned out to be the same. A number of XH's colleagues also tried it on with me, it was a real eye opener.

I don't think any of the wives or girlfriends/husbands or boyfriends had the faintest idea what used to go on. Hopefully things have changed OP.

Hey @Stormyequine it was a different branch of the military. So just as (if not more) reputable for affairs but I’ve always had 100% trust in him throughout his career and our relationship.

So sorry to hear that @RonRonRonWeasley :( this is the point of my post, this potential behaviour change.

To be clear I will 100% support whatever decision he makes but it’s clear for PP that there may be ways we can prepare.

Thanks and care to all that helped !

My dad and dbro were in the police.

Dad retired. Dbro left.

Dad was pretty gutted dbro wanted to join. It's not a job he wanted anyone in.

His force is one that pops up quite a bit for poor behaviour. Dad hated his last few years, but was convinced if he retired and slowed down he would drop dead. As 3 of his friends did. One within a couple of weeks of retiring. He felt trapped as his pension would be amazing if he waited for 30 years, so didn't want to leave. But hated it.

He retired and joined the NHS about 5 months before the pandemic 🙄 so we didn't get long not worrying about him.

Affairs are extremely common (but I don't think that's unique) what was common though was officers having 2 lives. My best friends dad was also a police officer and he had another family. Everyone, at work, knew. It was an open secret. My mum and dad kept it from me. But it all came out the Christmas we were 16.

He used his shifts to cover where he was. My friends mum never had clue about his shift pattern or anything. I felt so sorry for her. So many people knew they weren't the perfect couple she thought. Again, not sure this is more common in police or not.

My brother did become more of a cock when he joined. However that settled down. Though to be fair, as much as a I love him, he doesn't have a tendency to think he is better than other people anyway. He wa alike that when he first went to uni.

He has mellowed now and is a sahp and genuinely happy and that part of his personality seems to have disappeared.

So I can't say 'its the job'.

Its all anecdotal. But growing up round dad's friends and knowing my brothers friends, I wouldn't date a police officer. But I can't say exactly why.

A few of dad friends did make moves on me as soon as I turned 18. I though dad was going to kill them. But again, there's creepy old men in loads of jobs. It's all anecdotal. But experiencing it put me off dating them.

I also wouldnt ever date doormen due to person experience as well. So again, not exclusive to police.

I think it really comes down to, is your dp a decent person. Some people join the police because they want the authority for no other reason than they want it, to make themselves feel good, they are generally the shits. But that's not the reason all join.

My dad was a police officer, he's a great dad and a very loyal person.. I'm not sure why you're worried about this? Joining the police doesn't alter someone's personality that drastically?

@Keke94LND

My dad was a police officer, he's a great dad and a very loyal person.. I'm not sure why you're worried about this? Joining the police doesn't alter someone's personality that drastically?

Oh and also my parents are still happily married

Never heard this. If someone is going to cheat they will do it in any job.

I have family members and friends in the police and they are all married or in long term relationships, no issues.

Don’t over think it.

@TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius I salute you. No help to this thread at all but I just came on to say we look nothing like armadillos