Dying emotionally abusive parent. How did you feel?

[NatashaRf]

My dad doesn't have long left to live. We've known it's been coming a while but now his death is a close reality.

He's been emotionally abusive to myself and my mother our whole lives. Very controlling. I only realised it as an adult and I don't think my mum really ever has totally realised what a hold he's always had over her.

I don't know that he meant to be as much of a twat as he was. I'm sure from his (and most outsiders) perspectives he provided us everything we ever wanted or needed and had a very privileged life. But he was still a presence in the house not to upset, who was the most important member, and whose needs had to always come first etc etc.

Nothing very rare really. Typical old fashioned "man of the house" situation which my mum always pandered to.

So I'm hoping others understand the relationship I mean.

But now with his death approaching I still don't feel particularly like spending time with him. Other friends and family are flocking to see him. He's seeing much more of other people than he is of me.

I visit more for my mum than him as she's having to do so much to care for him. And to be honest when I do visit it's for my mum, not for him really.

Which fills me with a guilt like I'm the worlds worst daughter. But then it feels the same as the guilt I've felt my whole life if I ever didn't pander to what he wanted me to do.

Will I regret this when he's gone?

Am I terrible?

Should I be by his bedside reminiscing about our life? Only recounting the happy memories and leaving out the Christmases he ruined by calling me fat and greedy?

The holiday he ruined by shouting at my mum in public so we couldn't go to the pool again because we were too embarrassed?

It all feels so fake. But my mum is in full rose tinted glasses mode (or at least faking it well) and doing precisely that. Should I put aside the sick feeling it gives me and do it for her?

Even though not doing it I sit with a sick guilt feeling.

I'm not sure I can win.

OP YANBU. And no, I don’t think you’ll regret having not seen him once he’s gone. You’re just being realistic about your honest feelings

I can totally relate.

I would say don't let others guilt into doing things you aren't comfortable with. Plenty of people will be looking back with their rose tinted glasses and painting over the past with a glossy finish.

Stay true to what you know, do only what you feel is right and be kind to yourself because this is bloody hard.

Thanks so much. Really appreciate your replies already.

Been eating up at me in quiet moments the past few days.

I think it's the back to school so other mums asking me "how's your dad" - which I know is them being nice. So I play along as they're just acquaintances.

But I don't really want people to ask about him.

All people have ever done is gone on how amazing he is. How lucky we are. How hard he works. How much we have.

So of course now it's a huge deal how wicked cancer is to have done this to him so young etc.

I'd rather have been any of my friends. All with much less than me.

The ones who didn't understand to be quiet at sleepovers in case it made him angry. The ones who were confused why we had to turn the TV off partway through a show because he'd gotten in from work.

It used to confuse me so much how friends would talk so openly in front of my dad. Like they didn't just understand not to stay quiet and polite. I now realise it's because that's not how they had to be with their dads but growing up I knew no different.

I had similar. I took care of my dying parent like a nurse, but that was it. No emotional stuff. It’s all I felt I owed them, given that’s essentially how I was raised by them.

And interestingly enough I feel no guilt whatsoever. Nor did I feel particularly sad at the time. Pretty much all my grieving for the parent I never had had been done by this point.

I did remember doing a lot of exercise at the time in order to keep my mental health strong, as I knew I was going into uncharted territory (emotionally), and that did seem to help me.

I wish you all the best. Stay true to yourself and what you feel comfortable with. I excused myself from the funeral as I couldn’t bear to have 101 different people tell me what a lovely person my parent was. Little did they know....

@Blackbird2020

"I excused myself from the funeral as I couldn’t bear to have 101 different people tell me what a lovely person my parent was. Little did they know...."

I'm so glad youve said this.

I'll be at the funeral (again more for my mum and other family) but I know hours of hearing what a wonderful, inspirational man he was will have me very torn.

Some days when I'm sat with him I daydream about asking him if he remembers some of the things he said and did to me and if he regrets them.

But I feel like that'd be a step too far and I would have leftover guilt now.

But I think I do need to be more open about it all. Will talk with DH tonight once the kids are in bed I think. Really eating away at me today.

Oh gosh, he sounds very similar to my own father & I have wondered how I'll cope in this situation. Mine's mid 80s & well at the moment but we're as low contact as it's possible to be.
I don't like him, he emotionally abused me for years, my mum was a complete enabler even though he was horrible to her a lot of the time & made her life very difficult. She doesn't see it though.
For me there could be no bedside reminiscing, I have very few happy memories of him & none after the age of 9. Your examples have really struck a chord with me & I'm sorry you've been through it all too.
I haven't even got any useful advice for you, just wanted to say you're not alone in feeling this way & I hope you can get through this without too much emotional trauma.

I went to the family only cremation service and said my personal goodbyes in my way. That was hard enough as one member of the family chose to eulogise with a very warped view of reality.

I refused to attend the big church blessing immediately afterwards. I just couldn't stomach the local community stalwarts speaking about what a great man he was and all the family nodding and smiling along when they knew what he really was. Some of them are in deep denial, others I think are embarrassed to admit what our lives were really like behind closed doors. (DV, emotional and financial abuse of my mother, a vicious violent temper always a heartbeat alway plus an almost clinical disinterest in most of the rest of us)

I'm not sorry I didn't go and really feel I would have found it hard to live with myself if I had played into the fictional view of the great man.

Think carefully about what you want and how it will make you feel afterwards.

No it's ok to feel like that. It was my mum in my case who had ruled the roost. She went into a home due to vascular dementia when it got very bad, and it was wonderful to see my dad emerge, relax and start to enjoy himself in his 90's. When she died dad and I were both there as she slipped away and she actually passed after I took her hand which was a bit weird. I felt some sadness at the moment she died, but other than that, not very much at all and have just got on and worked through all the admin that comes after someone dies. I wish things could have been different, but they weren't sadly. All I can do is ensure a great relationship with my daughters, like the one "normal families" have.

My brother is very much in her mould and stresses me out bitching and moaning every time he comes back from abroad. Thank goodness there is plenty of distance between us and lockdowns been fantastic for keeping him there rather than back here stirring the pot and upsetting everyone.

Try not to beat yourself up. It's unrealistic to try to force yourself to change your feelings, and believe me I've tried!

*Some days when I'm sat with him I daydream about asking him if he remembers some of the things he said and did to me and if he regrets them.

But I feel like that'd be a step too far and I would have leftover guilt now.*

Mine actually asked me if there was anything I wanted to ask, during those last few days. I replied no.

I knew that both possible outcomes would be terrible for me: their denial would just open old wounds at the worse possible time, and their acknowledgment of abusive parenting would probably be even worse for me to hear (almost like ‘you knew all along?! And you still did it?!’), with very little time to process or resolve this new development. I guess I already felt I had closure and acceptance.

One thing for me was that from the moment my abusive parent died, all the bitterness, hurt and resentment that troubled me regularly throughout my adult life was gone. The person who would unpick all my hard work in healing myself, who could easily and happily open old wounds, was gone. I do feel finally free. I hope that you will feel the same, once you have got through the funeral.

Thanks so much again everyone.

I have moments of feeling justified and then moments of feeling like I'm being dramatic and he wasn't as bad as I'm thinking.

But none of those things I made up.

I guess what really happening is he's getting back from me now what it was he put in.

When he's needed physical items (that money can buy) I've done it. And that's how I make myself feel like I'm doing ok by him. New iPad, new TV for the spare bedroom (where his hospital bed has been put) setup his phone so it's easier for him to use, bought films for him to watch, got an audible account etc.

But the emotional side - honestly it's just that I can't be bothered. I haven't the bother for him. I'm focusing on my kids and mum not being distraught by it all, by all the other million things that need my brain power.

And yet anyone I see it's like all they see me as is someone to ask "how's your dad" and what really the truth of it is is they want to know if he's dead yet. Which if he was they'd know. So really it's just drama they want. And I don't have the energy to fuel it.

He isn't ever going to get better, everyone knows that. So even the question is pissing me off. What answer can you really give? He will be worse every day until it takes him.

He's zapping more of my energy than ever. And yet now is the time I need to be a saint about it all.

@Blackbird2020 - thanks again.

Since the cancer has made him totally incapable of caring for himself I've actually started finding myself a lot more in many ways already.

I think the fact he was unable to be the "best" anymore has started the process.

For the first time in my life I've lost weight enough to not be obese. I exercise. Dress well.

And really I do wonder how much is due to his control over me weakening. Yet even now he is unable to talk anymore he's still making me doubt myself.
.

I'd say get some counselling if you can, a chance to really talk over and process all the feelings about it.

Yet even now he is unable to talk anymore he's still making me doubt myself

We were born hardwired to love our parents. It’s part of our evolution. I think this means our brains do everything possible to convince ourselves that our abusive parents weren’t that bad. It’s just so ‘not normal’ to not love your parent, right?

I had the time to accept that I no longer loved my parent while they were still alive. And believe me, it took a lot to come to that place of acceptance. To accept that truly, what they did to me and my family was wrong, and that any flicker of love I had was now gone.

Maybe you are still on that road? And you are being driven along it a bit too fast for your comfort because of his impending death? It’s a very, very difficult thing to process, and what with the backdrop of his impending death, I can only imagine how hard this must be for you now.

Both my parents were emotionally abusive.

This leaves really, really deep wounds. It might be worth looking into C-PTSD.

My mum had some insight into herself and did try her best to change at times. She also realised how she had been had done me some damage.

She did apologise and later in life did something massive for me at great cost to herself to try to make amends. We got to a place we’re we related well as friends.

Genuinely I think she would have made changes sooner had she had access to information, research and resources on relationships we do now via the internet etc.

Her own background was pretty fucked up and my dad was very emotionally abuse to her. They split up when I was about four and had a horrendous long, bitter, aggressive divorce that wasn’t fully settled until I was twenty.

It was notable that the longer the time she spent away from my dad, and the less time she spent with her own family (she was the scapegoat of a narcissistic mother, my aunt being the golden child) the less distressed and liable to be abusive she was.

So there were still big problems there but she did try. So when she was terminally ill with cancer I looked after her in her final days. She hid her illness from me and the rest of a family for a long time because she felt she didn’t deserve to ask me for help. My heart broke for her. Not for the first time More sinned against than winning as they say. I’ve had a lot of anger and rag toward her for the bad thing she did and I have processed those feelings and continue to do so. But there was one thing in there worth so much more than she actually got from life.

My dad never changed, never saw he’d done much wrong, still thought of himself as a victim, cared only about himself. Abused his second wife in similar ways.

He did apologise to me for one thing- got married on my 13th birthday and telling me by sending cake through the post. But no real attempt to change or build a healthier relationship with me.

When he was dying from cancer and sent a death bed request that I visit him I declined.

So It hunk you’ve started a really important process of being honest with yourself and in your actions.

My emotionally abusive M died in the early part of the year. I've felt little other than relief since. Sad but true.

You owe him nothing. Don't feel bad about how you're feeling. I have no sadness about my mum's death. Only sadness that I didn't have the mother I'd wished for.

I'm sorry to you all who have had these emotions too.

I guess in a way at least we're not left with the aching sadness that we'd have had if a decent parent had died too soon?

But would be preferable as would mean I wasn't fucking my own DC up with the emotional damage I have thanks to him.

I often think about this situation . I don't see my parents at all . My dad never cared , just shouted, drunk and womanized . My mum was his enabler who used my brothers to bully me to keep quiet . I walked away finally 2 years ago . I feel free yet am still scared of all the men in my family . I think of my dad passing and believe I will cry buckets for the dad he wasn't, for the dad I deserved then I hope to move on and be free . If that happens I don't know . I do think my family will stir up and cause all sorts of grief aimed at me though . Hope you are okay

I had very difficult parents too OP, and both of them died in the last few years. In their case, I don't think they were deliberately abusive, but one had a very serious mental illness and the other was an enabler (who grew up in an abusive environment).

Like you, I did a lot of practical things for them but it was very hard to engage emotionally. The way I look at it is this - they may have done the best they were capable of in terms of parenting (even though it was woefully inadequate), and in turn I did the best I was capable of in looking after them. Because of the upbringing they gave me and the trauma they caused, I was not capable of being their emotional support without severely damaging myself and my DH.

OP, you are also at the limit of what you are capable of providing, considering what your father put you through. You have no reason to feel guilt at all.

You are not terrible and you should not feel guilty.

But yes, you may regret it.

My extremely emotionally and physically abusive parent died many years ago. I was relieved. I would say it was about 2 years before the regret kicked in. It increases as time goes on. It's aching and horrible and nothing will ever change it. I can't imagine if I had spent time with him in those final days (it was relatively fast) I would have regretted it, at most it wouldn't change how I feel now but it wouldn't have been worse.

I don't feel guilty, or like a bad person. I just feel incredibly sad and wish I had handled it differently. It's very different from the grief I feel for the loving relationships I have had in my life but just as gut wrenching. It also maybe very particular to the circumstances of my parents death.

I never thought I would feel any other way in the immediate weeks and months following his death. As the memories of the abuse fade and I get older this is how I feel.

He absolutely created how you feel towards him. Totally his doing.
You absolutely should not feel any guilt on the way you are feeling towards him.

Hi OP I think the only bad thing about your post is the guilt.

Visiting to support your mum - fine
getting on with the practicalities - great
doing your duty/making his last days comfortable - fair enough.

but the guilt thing needs to be let go of somehow. apologies that I can't tell you how but that's your problem.

I've set boundaries with my mum now and it eases my own feeling (resentment rather than guilt but it also is something that eats you up)

Very similar situation here. My dad died recently. I did get to see him before he passed away and am very glad I did. I also intentionally focused on all the good things about our relationship - because there were some - and used those in a tribute to him which was oddly comforting. To remember what we had that was worth having and for a while minimise and take a break from the stuff that had really damaged me and eaten me up for decades.

Unless the relationship was wholly, irreparably abusive, I'd say see him, make peace in whatever way you can, dredge up the good memories, the stuff to be thankful for, recognise what he did do for you not what he failed to do. Not to dismiss the bad stuff, just hold it to one side for a while. Only if you can, if it feels right.