Dying emotionally abusive parent. How did you feel?

[NatashaRf]

My dad doesn't have long left to live. We've known it's been coming a while but now his death is a close reality.

He's been emotionally abusive to myself and my mother our whole lives. Very controlling. I only realised it as an adult and I don't think my mum really ever has totally realised what a hold he's always had over her.

I don't know that he meant to be as much of a twat as he was. I'm sure from his (and most outsiders) perspectives he provided us everything we ever wanted or needed and had a very privileged life. But he was still a presence in the house not to upset, who was the most important member, and whose needs had to always come first etc etc.

Nothing very rare really. Typical old fashioned "man of the house" situation which my mum always pandered to.

So I'm hoping others understand the relationship I mean.

But now with his death approaching I still don't feel particularly like spending time with him. Other friends and family are flocking to see him. He's seeing much more of other people than he is of me.

I visit more for my mum than him as she's having to do so much to care for him. And to be honest when I do visit it's for my mum, not for him really.

Which fills me with a guilt like I'm the worlds worst daughter. But then it feels the same as the guilt I've felt my whole life if I ever didn't pander to what he wanted me to do.

Will I regret this when he's gone?

Am I terrible?

Should I be by his bedside reminiscing about our life? Only recounting the happy memories and leaving out the Christmases he ruined by calling me fat and greedy?

The holiday he ruined by shouting at my mum in public so we couldn't go to the pool again because we were too embarrassed?

It all feels so fake. But my mum is in full rose tinted glasses mode (or at least faking it well) and doing precisely that. Should I put aside the sick feeling it gives me and do it for her?

Even though not doing it I sit with a sick guilt feeling.

I'm not sure I can win.

People who grow up in these types of families are trained to feel guilt when it's not warranted (as well as fear and obligation - look up the FOG). It's hardwired in your brain and it's hard to let go of, but a good therapist helps a lot.

You are very realistic.
I lost a abusive parents.
I sat by both their deathbeds but fortunately for both it happened relatively quickly - it is hard watching slow deterioration.
Nobody can take your experience and feelings away - they are legitimate.
I have looked after dying patients professionally - people die the way they live. Horrible people don’t suddenly become angels.
Take care of yourself and your Mum.

My mum died in 2019 and honestly I just feel relief. I couldn’t bring myself to admit that at the time and I found it really difficult because apart from my dh everyone thought the sun shone out of her bum so people would stop me in the street and gush over her and I just wanted to tell them to fuck off (she was a schizophrenic alcoholic but no one ever really saw that side to her except me). Over time I’ve been able to put my feelings to rest and I feel like I’m having a second wind at life now in my 40s. Without her judging me or making me feel guilty.

It’s something most people will never understand.

He's reaping what he sowed. Don't feel any guilt about that. The day my father died was one of the best days of my life. I know that sounds terrible but he made that situation what it was.

My best friend's father is dying. She says that she doesn't feel anything. He wasn't abusive but never made an effort with her, let her down many times as a girl. She would be ready to spend time with him then wouldn't turn up. He was a womaniser.

She is one of the nicest, most loving, thoughtful, kindest people that I know. I told her when she wondered if there was something wrong with her for not feeling anything that no, you reap what you sow.

I visited little and felt nothing when they died.

The only reason I cried at the funeral was due to frustration when his best friend was speaking publicly about how wonderful he was.

DH was had a go at me for not reacting in anyway, apparently it's appropriate to weep when a parent dies.

I few years after he'd died I dreamt he was alive again and all I felt was disappointed.

I don't feel guilty, because I know what he was like.

I've recently started contact with my father, who abandoned us all to abuse and wasn't interested.

I did it thinking, he won't be around for long, I may regret not doing it.

In reality nothing has changed. He is still haughty and uninterested. I feel a dick, chasing after him, so I dont. It's not ideal at all.

A poster above said she regrets not reconnecting before death. From my experience, she might have just suffered more. Been more of a pushover. I say, beware. When they haven't changed, they haven't changed x

Hi op

My sympathies, I’ve been where you are. I know what that level of abuse and control within a home is like, your post really resonated with me.
In my case, I never went LC or NC with my father, and in his last months I saw a lot of him. I was with him when he died. The approach I took was that I didn’t want to experience any guilt or pangs of regret in the months and years ahead, thinking “oh I should have gone more often…” etc. I wanted to protect myself from that, so I did what I could for him and was there plenty. I am happy that’s what I did, it was the right thing for me. I never confronted him and I bit my tongue when others eulogised him. Like so many on here, I grieved the father I could and should have had rather than the one I did have.

Best wishes op, it’s a tough time.

Your feelings are valid and real. Sadly neither of your parents validated them when you were little so that's why you are struggling with this now. Most people still live in the rose tinted world where we 'should' honour and love our parents regardless, but many, many people have let this go. It's ok to feel however you feel against those who hurt you so much in childhood. It would be madness not to if you think about it. No one else had your exact experience so honour yourself and what you went through by maintaining your own boundaries.

I see a couple of posters urging OP to see her father because they personally felt (or believe they would have felt) regret at not doing so in their own situation.

I actually think this places unfair pressure on the OP. This kind of regret is coming from the guilt and obligation that abusive parents cultivate in their children. It's not actually rational, and I think anyone feeling that kind of regret should really try to work through it with a psychotherapist.

If OP feels that she cannot face being around her father and playing the role of the devastated daughter, it would be harmful to her wellbeing to force herself into that situation out of a fear of future regret.

I think you need to accept that you will feel guilty whatever you do. So do what suits you best.

Thank you OP, this thread is good timing.

The use of the word 'bothered' is interesting, my dad is quite ill, my mum thinks terminal, I just can't be bothered. It's all been, for 48 years, duty, respect, while you live under my roof, disappointment about my choices, etc and I just can't be bothered.
At the moment, the biggest problem with him dying is the obligation to say the expected words at a funeral.

@TrotOnBeauty

Thank you OP, this thread is good timing.

The use of the word 'bothered' is interesting, my dad is quite ill, my mum thinks terminal, I just can't be bothered. It's all been, for 48 years, duty, respect, while you live under my roof, disappointment about my choices, etc and I just can't be bothered.
At the moment, the biggest problem with him dying is the obligation to say the expected words at a funeral.

It would be a shame if you had Covid symptoms the day before the funeral and couldn't go.

My DM was abusive and I'm so glad that I didn't have to sit by her bedside. I didn't want to go to the funeral. I think people do know, there were very few people at her funeral and only one relative tried to say nice things about her.

You can only do what you can do. I don't think you will regret not being there when he has died. Be kind to yourself.

@TrotOnBeauty - you don't have to say anything at the funeral. I planned my DF's with music, poetry, 10 gun salute, the full thing but I wasn't in any fit state to speak so the padre did it for me.

For my DM there wasn't anything to say really so I just let the padre say the few words I had put together.

My father was both physically and emotionaly abusive to me. When he was in his final days I was employed on a project that had me travelling to Europe a lot. There were no smart phones back then (1080s) so it was difficult to get in touch with someone abroad. That solved a lot of problems for me. Gave me a perfect excuse not to be in touch.

@TrotOnBeauty

Thank you OP, this thread is good timing.

The use of the word 'bothered' is interesting, my dad is quite ill, my mum thinks terminal, I just can't be bothered. It's all been, for 48 years, duty, respect, while you live under my roof, disappointment about my choices, etc and I just can't be bothered.
At the moment, the biggest problem with him dying is the obligation to say the expected words at a funeral.

I'm sorry you feel the same. But also glad not to be alone.

Generally my overriding emotion is that I can't be bothered with him being ill, dying, and all the extra crap it's burdening on the rest of us.

The only person I voice that allowed to is my husband.

But it's the truth.

It's been a lifetime spent trying to either not upset him, or trying to please him (and either failing or being made to feel that I could've tried harder) and now I have no want or drive to spend more effort on him.

Seems callous - I'm sure folks would think and say it is. Certainly my mum would. But it's the truth.

Mum is very much in the "we don't have long left" camp. But of course her life moving forward is so different. Mine won't change much still have my wonderful DH and DC and home.

She'll be a widow. Having never been responsible for any of the household finances.

And dad was so overpowering - her life was spent doing whatever he was telling her to do at that time. And then being taking abroad/on shopping trips to keep her sweet.

It's not callous at all, it's a natural and totally rational way to feel about someone who has caused you pain.

Trust your gut on this one.

Hi! I have been through similar to you and the advice I would give is to go and see him and spend time with him, also offer bay practical help you are able to now this is not for him it’s for YOU. In a completely selfish way I didn’t want to look back and feel guilty so I made sure that I did my ‘duty’ there was no love lost between me and my Dad but another person advised me to do what I’m advising you so you have nothing to reproach yourself for when you look back . I want to say you are totally justified by the way, 100 percent in not wanting to engage but I don’t want you to let the fact you didn’t eat you up in the future as a few visits now could mean you feeling much better for the rest of your life when you look back. Tell yourself you are doing this for yourself not for him. Sorry I hope that made sense. Best wishes .

" I think you need to accept that you will feel guilty whatever you do. So do what suits you best."

I hadn't thought of that but that could work.