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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner’s best friend hates me but should I be worried?

38 replies

passmeenah · 05/09/2021 12:58

So I know this situation is going to cause alarm bells for many. But hear me out.

My partner’s best friend is a woman, a few years older than him. They met through work and dated for 2-3 months before calling it off. Then they became good friends and she calls him every few days and maybe they see each other every 2 weeks or so. They go on trips to other cities together with a mixed group of friends.

The best-friend absolutely loathes me. She refuses to acknowledge my existence and has said she will slap me if she ever meets me again.

This is because we used to know one another. She confided in me one day that she had feelings for him and was going to make a move. She knew that my partner and I were seeing each other casually but she didn’t know it was getting serious. When my partner rejected her advances she messaged me a hate filled rant about how I betrayed her and then she cut all contact with me.

No great loss as I never liked her but was always polite and friendly.

I genuinely do believe that they are not doing stuff behind my back. But I just can’t get my head around that my partner defends her. He gaslights me by saying it’s funny how much I hate her.

He defends her and says she has mental health issues and he feels sorry for her. But he must enjoy her company to keep doing things with her.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 05/09/2021 13:07

Why are you still with this man?
He is not your 'partner'. He us a self absorbed egotistical twunt who enjoys playing you and other women off against eachother. She doesnt
sound pleasant either.

Respect yourself op. Because you'll get no respect from him.

He probably tells her you have mental health issues too fyi.

And normally people don't gaslight others. Ut is the domain of the controlling, manipulative, abusive wanker.

She is not your enemy. He is.

AudreyTattoo · 05/09/2021 13:09

Omg this guy is using both of you for a big fat ego boost and you're both playing right into his hands!

He isn't worth fighting with anyone over. I would say a hard no to this relationship. You deserve a lot better.

MiddlesexGirl · 05/09/2021 13:09

Bin him.

Restinblue · 05/09/2021 13:10

What a ridiculous situation. And it’s not funny. It sounds like he’s stirring it up and enjoying it.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 05/09/2021 13:10

Your problem is with your boyfriend not her.

Joystir59 · 05/09/2021 13:11

He really likes her and isn't about to stop being close friends with her because she isxl disrespectful of you and your relationship with him. So the message is clear- you suck it up and put up with things as they are or end the relationship.

spotcheck · 05/09/2021 13:22

Heard you out.
More alarm bells than I anticipated.

I reckon your boyfriend really likes the attention, and is keeping her on the back burner.

householdrmk · 05/09/2021 13:25

Fuck that noise OP - this bloke is LOVING the attention and that's why he hasn't told her to get to fuck. What a prick.

You have to turn these things around and think of what you would do in the same situation. You are seeing someone and your friend has threatened them and says they want to hit them. Would you keep that friend? Most people wouldn't as they have your back.

Let them get on with it and find someone who wouldn't think twice about dropping her as soon as they found out she threatened you.

Ughmaybenot · 05/09/2021 13:26

@Pinkbonbon

Why are you still with this man? He is not your 'partner'. He us a self absorbed egotistical twunt who enjoys playing you and other women off against eachother. She doesnt sound pleasant either.

Respect yourself op. Because you'll get no respect from him.

He probably tells her you have mental health issues too fyi.

And normally people don't gaslight others. Ut is the domain of the controlling, manipulative, abusive wanker.

She is not your enemy. He is.

This, all of this. You’d be a fool to stay with this man!

Wiredforsound · 05/09/2021 13:37

He’s absolutely loving this. He’s playing you two off against each other, winding you both up, and you’re both falling for it. He’s no prize. He should be trying to broker peace between you, and wanting you to be happy. Instead all he’s doing is fuelling your insecurities and gaslighting you.

Kuachui · 05/09/2021 13:53

Yeah sorry but he's loving the fight. I would ltb because he isn't putting you first

layladomino · 05/09/2021 14:18

I agree with all of the above. This woman has threatened to slap you if she sees you again, sent you unpleasant messages, made a move on your bf while you were in the early days of seeing him....

She is either unwell or a pretty vile person. Either way, she has made her views on you clear. That your bf still likes her is amazing - it tells you what he thinks of you. At BEST he doesn't mind if people are unkind to you, and can happily go on spending time with them / defending them OR even worse he actively encourages it, and enjoys rubbing your nose in it (and it sounds like this as he laughs at you),

He's messing with you and enjoying upsetting you. That makes him a pretty flawed person if he gets off on that. And certainly not serious bf material.

I would send him packing now. You don't have to explain why to him (he might be amused and claim you're just jealous, or tell your ex friend what you've said which will give her more power and amunition and him more amusement) - just tell him it wasn't working for you, you've realised you aren't a good match.

You deserve so much better.

HollowTalk · 05/09/2021 14:24

You'd have to be an absolute idiot to stay with this man. He's like a dog with two dicks, isn't he?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 05/09/2021 14:27

He thinks it's funny that his 'friend' wants to assault you?

I'd walk away and leave them to it.

If a friend of mine behaved like that about my husband they wouldn't ever see me again!

Bananalanacake · 05/09/2021 14:27

Don't let him move in with you, ask for some space and pretend you really don't care what this woman thinks or does.

Blueemeraldagain · 05/09/2021 14:32

His friend is threatening to assault you and he’s defending her?! Absolutely get rid.

bamboocat · 05/09/2021 14:32

Dump him and leave the pair of them to get on with it. She sounds like a right charmer.

Pinkbonbon · 05/09/2021 14:36

I wonder if it's her that said she would slap you...or if that's him just telling you she said that (so that you two wont talk to one another and find out the lies he has told you both).

Either way though op, you have to get shot of this guy. He is just..ick.

category12 · 05/09/2021 14:46

You are being used in a drama triangle that serves your boyfriend's ego admirably.

You might think you're winning, but it's a duff prize.

ImitationofBeing · 05/09/2021 14:49

Get rid. This is going to drama drama drama.

You don't need it. Move onto someone who can focus on you and not play you off with their 'bestmate', (they are keeping their devotion.)

LivingDeadGirlUK · 05/09/2021 14:54

Far too much drama, I'd leave them to it.

FatCatThinCat · 05/09/2021 15:00

Yes you should be very worried. You partner is an arse who has no respect for you.

ShuddaBeenMe · 05/09/2021 15:01

He's making a monkey out of you.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2021 15:02

You must really love drama, and you clearly have a soft spot for fuckwits. FFS, get rid of the both of them. He's an absolute twat.

GertietheGherkin · 05/09/2021 15:11

Your insecurities and self-esteem must be non- existent for you to put up with this crap.

The pair of them are treating you abysmally, and you seem to think nothing of it.
His 'friend' talks to him all the time, goes on outings with him, and threatens to assault you, and he laughs and gaslights you?

Madness 🙄

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