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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Forgive & forget?

32 replies

wonderlustt · 04/09/2021 20:03

Has anyone been cheated on in a relationship, stayed with said cheat, & the relationship worked?/ were happy?

OP posts:
Worakls · 04/09/2021 20:09

Stayed the first time. Had another child together... 2 years after she was born he did again. I only found out 2 years after it ended. Getting divorced now. For what it's worth, we had a happy couple of years from my perspective and I don't regret trying or having another child

unicornsarereal72 · 04/09/2021 20:13

Same as pp. forgave and buried in so deep it seemed like it never happened. Went on to have another dc and he up and left for different OW 5 years later.

You are worth so much more than this if you are in this position.

oreo2020 · 04/09/2021 20:28

Forgave and forgot, or so I thought. Never found another evidence of cheating but the sense of mistrust and dislike crept up gradually.
Should have left first time round.

wanttomarryamillionaire · 04/09/2021 20:36

Dont do it! They never change.

category12 · 04/09/2021 20:56

Tried to work through it and stayed for years, unfortunately he was a repeat offender.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/09/2021 20:58

I don't know of anyone, male or female, who stayed with a cheater and it worked out. The cheater always cheats again.

Asifiwouldletyoubreakme · 04/09/2021 21:00

As already said above, also forgave and buried it - found out he was seeing the same girl 3 years later, don’t even know if they ended it or not. There was lots of heartbreak but at least I know I gave it everything, my kids were very young at the time too. It took me a long time to get over it.

Baws · 05/09/2021 01:58

No and I don’t know anyone who has either.

hernameis · 05/09/2021 04:11

You can forgive but you never forget, it's an ugly blemish on your relationship and it takes a lot of effort from both parties to make it work.

sunflowergirl1 · 05/09/2021 06:50

You won't forget and will struggle to forgive. A friend tried but after 5 years threw in the towel as there wasn't a day she didn't think about him cheating. Best thing she ever did finishing it

Cherryade8 · 05/09/2021 07:06

I 'forgave' but he went on to cheat again. If I'd have turned a blind eye he'd have been happy Hmm apparently there was nothing wrong with our relationship. Both were happy. He was a serial cheater though, he'd cheated in every relationship as far as I could tell.

everyonebutme · 05/09/2021 07:07

Stayed. He said he'd stop seeing her and then I found out he hadn't. Felt like I'd wasted 18 months of my life to be honest. Even when I stayed I couldn't forget, forgive or trust him.

Mumoblue · 05/09/2021 07:13

We did couples therapy while broken up to see if there was anything salvageable about the relationship, but I quickly realised there was not.

I know that “once a cheater, always a cheater” isn’t a rule set in stone, but there was no recovering the trust once I realised that my ex really didn’t care about lying to me if it made his life easier.

SortingItOut · 05/09/2021 07:19

My husband had loads of emotional affairs, I forgot but never forgave - well it got brushed under the carpet really so it became the thing that was never discussed. He did it time and time again- it was for an ego boost🙄

I lost all trust for him and it is true, once the trust is gone you can't get it back.

Is there a reason you want to save your marriage/relationship even though you've been cheated on?

ZombeaArthur · 05/09/2021 07:38

I only realised after we broke up that my ex was either cheating or looking. He was someone who clearly never had any intention of remaining faithful, yet jumped from one monogamous relationship to another.

Something I’ve discovered over time is the amount of people who are repeat offenders. So many people I know to have cheated have done it more than once. I don’t think I could ever stay with a cheater again.

RantyAunty · 05/09/2021 07:39

Plenty stay but they either cheat again or just end up treating you with disrespect.

Have a niece this happened to and he treats her like rubbish but she still stays.

Tiredofbs123 · 05/09/2021 07:50

I have. I’m really happy with my decision. I know several people who have continued their marriages happily after cheating.

The key is not to rug sweep, and it takes a huge amount of work from the cheat. There are a LOT of books, websites, you tube channels out there to support you IF you feel your partner can work on what led them to cheat and become a safe partner.

I have no idea what the future will bring for me but I know that this is the right decision for my family and children.

Howareyouflower · 05/09/2021 08:16

I tried, it didn't work.

Tiredofbs123 · 05/09/2021 08:17

I will add, I think true remorse is rare for a cheater. I think most are still blame shifting onto the betrayed partner, gaslighting, minimising and will not face the damage they have done. But only you know the circumstances behind what happened and only you can judge whether or not you’re willing to take the risk (and it is a risk).

But it does work for some couples. And as I said I have known couple who are still married YEARS after the infidelity and happy with no other affairs.

Jonjojobs123 · 05/09/2021 09:07

I think you have to bare in mind that many of the people who find themselves on this relationship forum are here because they have or have had relationship problems. There may be many many people who have managed to make a full recovery following adultery/betrayal and are happily still together but most likely those people won't be looking at the posts on a relationship forum on a Saturday night. So you may be getting a one sided response. Personally I know of 4 couples in my close friendship group (staggering really) where the 'Men' have betrayed. 2 of those years later are really happy and outwardly seem to have moved on successfully. 1 forgave the initial betrayal, but there was a slight difference with his, he was found on dating sites plus having an affair. 12 months later he was caught out yet again on numerous sites and she ended it, his actions were just plain cruel. She is now so much happier with a lovely partner, he is now on his 3rd relationship. I don't think it's necessary true that once a cheater always a cheater. Maybe sometimes there is such a thing as a massive mistake and the regret they feel for hurting their family is real and they may never go on to cheat again. But they aren't actually given the chance because its a case that the betrayed spouse has tried to stay in the relationship and make it work but the truth for most is there is no overcoming and healing from those wounds and the relationship ultimately fails. I do think sometimes its worth a try.

Jonjojobs123 · 05/09/2021 09:08

I should mention the 4th couple, are still trying to figure it out!

category12 · 05/09/2021 09:13

@Jonjojobs123

I think you have to bare in mind that many of the people who find themselves on this relationship forum are here because they have or have had relationship problems. There may be many many people who have managed to make a full recovery following adultery/betrayal and are happily still together but most likely those people won't be looking at the posts on a relationship forum on a Saturday night. So you may be getting a one sided response. Personally I know of 4 couples in my close friendship group (staggering really) where the 'Men' have betrayed. 2 of those years later are really happy and outwardly seem to have moved on successfully. 1 forgave the initial betrayal, but there was a slight difference with his, he was found on dating sites plus having an affair. 12 months later he was caught out yet again on numerous sites and she ended it, his actions were just plain cruel. She is now so much happier with a lovely partner, he is now on his 3rd relationship. I don't think it's necessary true that once a cheater always a cheater. Maybe sometimes there is such a thing as a massive mistake and the regret they feel for hurting their family is real and they may never go on to cheat again. But they aren't actually given the chance because its a case that the betrayed spouse has tried to stay in the relationship and make it work but the truth for most is there is no overcoming and healing from those wounds and the relationship ultimately fails. I do think sometimes its worth a try.
Meh, me & ex were outwardly happy and had appeared to have moved on for years, and yes, sometimes I was happy and thought we'd got it beat - "stronger than ever!" and all that - but ultimately, nope. Our breaking up came as a huge shock to people that knew us.

You just don't know what is going on underneath.

If I had to do it over, I'd have left sooner, but such is life.

Jonjojobs123 · 05/09/2021 09:31

@category12 what caused you to split in the end?

category12 · 05/09/2021 09:38

He let me down again, and I realised I was done.

Worakls · 05/09/2021 09:48

@category12 we were the same too. Everyone (except my sister) thought we'd got through it and were this great couple. Came as a massive shock to them.
Tbh I had moments of happiness in our years together after but when he left I felt this huge wave of calm come over me and I realised how much emotional energy I had wasted those years worrying and on edge, waiting for the next time. I used to look out for little signs all the time that showed me he loved me enough to not hurt me again... Was exhausting.