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Original poster

I moved to a village from the city and now I regret it

33 replies

Paperbear · 04/09/2021 05:50

My husband grew up in a village and has all his friends / family etc all within about a 5 mile radius which I've now moved to. He says he is open to trying new things, but I know he will honestly never want to move away from it.

He also can't stand the city so if I suggest seeing something in the city he will suggest going to see something "similar" near the village.

I moved from the city to be here after I met my husband and to be honest I really regret it now. I did it at the time because I thought it would be better for children to grow up in but now I'm feeling chlostrophobic and like I'm in a cage / goldfish bowl as my husband has no desire to travel outside this area. My husband doesn't have any friends outside this very small area and I'm struggling with it I think because I grew up a bit of a nomad with my parents and traveled every few months /few years to a new location which seemed normal to me at the time. I also travelled in my 20s before I met my husband and all my friends are spread around the country, but because of my husband's reluctance to travel even seeing people I know seems like a big chore because they are not close to the village. Because of this (and I know covid is also a factor) I feel like I'm also losing friends as time goes by.

I also know lots of people like the lifestyle in villages but I've learnt it's definitely not for me.

It's affecting our marriage because he says I'm looking "down" on his area and I'm being a snob about the place he grew up in. He really doesn't get it that I just don't like this lifestyle and because he doesn't know anything else I don't think he will ever understand.

OP posts:
SarahBellam · 04/09/2021 06:03

Well, he’s not going to move. If you want to live elsewhere you’re going to have to leave him to do that. I don’t suppose you can live in the city and visit each other at weekends?

RantyAunty · 04/09/2021 06:20

How long have you been married? Any DC?

lannistunut · 04/09/2021 06:38

Your husband sounds pretty unreasonable and the comments about you being a snob are Hmm

merrygorounds0 · 04/09/2021 06:45

Lots of sympathy OP, I was in a similar situation before and it was so difficult. What is it about the 'village lifestyle' you don't like? How commutable is the city from your village? I think if your husband won't consider moving to the city and you don't want to threaten to leave him you have two options. You could see if you can make the most of it and widen your circle around the village more than your DH does- do you drive? Can you just accept longer train travel etc but still go into the city frequently for work/leisure/friends? You don't have to have the same lifestyle as him. Or second option, would a compromise be a different village roughly in between the city and where you are now?

merrygorounds0 · 04/09/2021 06:46

Agree with PP though that it's horrible how dominant and dismissive your 'D'H is being Angry

category12 · 04/09/2021 06:48

How did you meet him?

crankysaurus · 04/09/2021 06:59

Just because he doesn't want to travel doesn't mean you can't, it's okay to have different interests and sometimes a marriage works best if you can do your own things without being joined at the hip, that may be your best bet as you might otherwise grow to resent being bound to a place that's not yours.

How would he react if you start making plans to see friends further afield just on your own (if you've already asked if he'd like to go and see them with you but he's declined)?

Rudeppl · 04/09/2021 07:00

LTB

trippingflip · 04/09/2021 07:15

Either you get used to the idea of not doing everything with your husband so essentially on weekends you are out doing your own thing or you put up and shut up or you go find your fortunes with someone else.

Whatever you choose to do may change when children come along.
You may become a hermit so put up and shut up may work.
Or your need for social interaction will increase and if you are stuck in a village with little support to get to city life when you need a break, the resentment will kill the relationship.
Over to you, you know what risks you are willing to accept.

kinzarose · 04/09/2021 07:17

People with a strong affinity to their village should only marry other people from the same village, as 'outsiders' just won't understand how it feels to have such strong feelings about staying within the cage area.
Your husband sounds like such a bore OP, there's liking a place and then feeling that you can't leave, even if just for leisure activities. He really needs to compromise, you have already made such a sacrifice by moving.

skodadoda · 04/09/2021 07:21

It's affecting our marriage because he says I'm looking "down" on his area and I'm being a snob about the place he grew up in. He really doesn't get it that I just don't like this lifestyle and because he doesn't know anything else I don't think he will ever understand

You could tell him he is just as much looking down on the way you grew up.
He shouldn’t be stopping you from seeing your friends and doing the things you like. He sounds very small-minded.

MsTSwift · 04/09/2021 07:22

You don’t sound very well suited at all - chalk and cheese. Why did you decide to be life partners with such vastly different views? Why did he not marry another village type?

Guineapigbridge · 04/09/2021 07:31

You'll need to take your need for adventure into your own hands OP. I'm like you, I need to get out of town a lot to be happy.
Could you schedule 8 long weekend trips every year, different city each time?
He has to compromise; you moved to be with him and he owes you!

Noreturnto · 04/09/2021 07:52

I did a exactly the same op! I regretted it. Village is so clicky and I hate navigator deliveries for everything. When dd was little it wasn't so bad..but as she gets older it's more and more driving as she makes new friend's in various villages around.

DH knows I want to retire away from here..and I will do so whether he comes or not

Noreturnto · 04/09/2021 07:53
  • having to drive for everything
CheekyAFAIK · 04/09/2021 07:56

What's stopping you from travelling without him? (Other than the pandemic)

If he's content to stay there while you have adventures, I'd say it's not a bad set up.

If he wants to keep you within the same 5 square miles because he's too dim to appreciate anyone else might want a bit of variety and wonder in their lives instead of the same hills and roads every day until they die, LTB.

Rosiiiiie · 04/09/2021 08:01

I’m no help but totally know how you feel. We’ve lived in a small Irish village for almost 2 years and I’ve finally convinced hubby to move back to Dublin!! I’ve had enough of all the driving, everyone knowing everyone’s business, being far away from everything. I tried convincing myself it was better for kids but i grew up in the city and loved it! Kids adapt. Good luck!

GoodnightGrandma · 04/09/2021 08:10

You need to make a choice. Him or living where you want.

crikeycrumbsblimey · 04/09/2021 08:18

What do you want though? If you want a more nomadic lifestyle that is a big ask of most people if you want kids. if want this you cannot expect it from your DH as he clearly doesn’t so you need to decide what matters more.
I live in a village and love it but couldn’t be so constrained by boundaries and still see my friends outside the area. I wonder if he is preventing you doing this/won’t come with you?
I do stuff closer to home generally purely because it is easier and once you have kids travelling more is a pain as is the cost. But I didn’t grow up here and I’ve chosen my lifestyle - sounds like you think he has gone for the easy default and that bothers you (it would me as well if I’m honest).

ShingleBeach · 04/09/2021 08:18

Even if you moved into town he would still refuse to travel or see the world.

I think you do need to prioritise keeping up with friends. Make the journey.

Go on travelling holidays without him.

Even people who love rurally (most of my family) don’t have to be complete stick in the muds.

Lorw · 04/09/2021 08:23

There’s nothing wrong with his views about his village etc and his lifestyle, just like there’s nothing wrong about your views of the city, your opinions and wants are just different.

You can’t make your husband do anything so why don’t you just do it yourself? Go travelling, travel to see friends etc?

If you want to live a nomad lifestyle and your husband is a homebody then you just aren’t compatible.

JustAnother0ldMan · 04/09/2021 08:39

I get what you mean, when I met my Ex at Uni she was from a small village and wanted to keep going back there every holiday, I found it really boring, and wanted to travel more, we had to compromise with 2 cheapish foreign holidays and Xmas at the village location (boring), we lived in a city for work for a while and both of us hated it and compromised on a market town.
Personally, I don’t think either of you are wrong, village life can be insular and boring, city life can be noisy and crowded, but both need to able to compromise.

Walkingalot · 04/09/2021 08:40

I compare my childhood/teens in a village to that of my DS (and my life now) in a town and it just doesn't compare. My DS has so many options on everything - schools, parks, cinema's, takeaways, restaurants, leisure activities and in the early years of course there was many more choices on baby groups, soft play etc.
I'd question how compatible you are and if there's no compromise I don't see how the relationship can survive.

MsTSwift · 04/09/2021 08:51

Yes being a teen in a village is pure shit unless you a horsey young farmer type. So envious of my young teens they have way more fun than I did at that age

Touty · 05/09/2021 01:05

I find myself in a similar situation. We live on a remote part of a small Spanish island. DP is very settled here with a good job. I am not settled here and feel sad about that life is passing by. It's so insular here, little public transportation or facilities. I am sick of having to drive for ages to get basic provisions. He knows how I feel. But I really can't see much changing unless I leave.