I moved to a village from the city and now I regret it

[Paperbear]

My husband grew up in a village and has all his friends / family etc all within about a 5 mile radius which I've now moved to. He says he is open to trying new things, but I know he will honestly never want to move away from it.

He also can't stand the city so if I suggest seeing something in the city he will suggest going to see something "similar" near the village.

I moved from the city to be here after I met my husband and to be honest I really regret it now. I did it at the time because I thought it would be better for children to grow up in but now I'm feeling chlostrophobic and like I'm in a cage / goldfish bowl as my husband has no desire to travel outside this area. My husband doesn't have any friends outside this very small area and I'm struggling with it I think because I grew up a bit of a nomad with my parents and traveled every few months /few years to a new location which seemed normal to me at the time. I also travelled in my 20s before I met my husband and all my friends are spread around the country, but because of my husband's reluctance to travel even seeing people I know seems like a big chore because they are not close to the village. Because of this (and I know covid is also a factor) I feel like I'm also losing friends as time goes by.

I also know lots of people like the lifestyle in villages but I've learnt it's definitely not for me.

It's affecting our marriage because he says I'm looking "down" on his area and I'm being a snob about the place he grew up in. He really doesn't get it that I just don't like this lifestyle and because he doesn't know anything else I don't think he will ever understand.

I feel your angst. I couldn't bear to live in a village. I've lived in cities and towns all my life but once lived for a short time in a very small town. Due to my work, I had lots of acquaintances and couldn't go anywhere in town without bumping into someone I knew. In one sense it was 'friendly' but it also felt like a goldfish bowl. Every weekend I either invited friends down, or more commonly, went away.

My DH's family lived in a village when I met him and it was a bore to visit him there. The surrounding countryside was not attractive and I disliked the local towns. I also recently visited a friend who moved to a small town from a big city some years back and they spent most of the time telling me of their regrets and the disadvantages of the place for their teenagers.

It seems to me that you and your DH are incompatible. The suggestions that have been made to travel alone or to travel long distances to socialise wouldn't suit me. I do see my friends apart from my DH which sometimes involves travelling some distance, but that wouldn't make up for a dull daily life. And driving everywhere is awful.

Seems to me you have a big decision to make.

This is a difficult one. I don't think your dh is doing anything wrong (except calling you a snob) and something in you has clearly reacted against the frequent moves of your youth.

However, it's not a crime to realise you want something different from what you thought you wanted. I think an honest conversation with your husband about how you see married and family life in the future is called for.

So you moved from the city to your husband's village and he doesn't even compromise by enthusiastically arranging regular visits to your friends and family further away, and going into the city occasionally for things that YOU want to do?

That is so unbalanced, selfish and ungrateful of him. Does he not recognise how much you have given up to be with him, and how little he is giving you in return? I'd be having stern, stern words. Sounds like currently he's getting everything his way - and then making you feel bad about it

Has he ever lived outside the village? How did you meet?

If you don't have children yet, you might just cut and run.

I think it's not so much to do with where you live, but your differing lifestyle preferences. What I mean is, I know people who live in a city whose main hobby is outdoor pursuits, so they regularly spend time in the countryside and love it. I know people who lives in villages who love to go 'out', to travel, to visit cities and enjoy what they have to offer.

I think your bigger problem is not where you live but the fact that your DH doesn't want to go anywhere, or to socialise with anyone outside his local group. That makes you fundamentally very different people.

Were you happy with him when you lived in a city? Is there anything you can change to regain that happiness? What was different then? Did you go out more with other friends? Did you travel more?

I suppose I mean - if you were happy before, can you regain that? Or was that happiness based on some compromises that your DH is now refusing to make anymore? Has he changed?

If he has fundamentally changed and won't compromise then I can't see how it can work.

I see this as a typical story of the man in the relationship getting what he wants. If every instance but one that I know of (and I know a lot) where there was a difference between a heterosexual couple of where to live, it went the man's way (and in the one it didn't and the wife stayed put and he worked away in the week, he had an affair). I would like to tell everyone woman in the world not to put the man's interests above her own!

What I find unforgiveable about your husband is that he shows no understanding or appreciation for the sacrifice you made for him, in fact he is attacking you for being unhappy instead of feeling any sadness at your situation and negotiating where you both live instead.

I really feel for you OP, we lived in a rural location when our children were growing up, we have now moved to the outskirts of a city, it is so much better for us, more convenient. If your DH hasn’t lived in a city he will know no different, but if you have it is hard to cope with. Compromise is key. Good luck.

@wednesdayweather

I see this as a typical story of the man in the relationship getting what he wants. If every instance but one that I know of (and I know a lot) where there was a difference between a heterosexual couple of where to live, it went the man's way (and in the one it didn't and the wife stayed put and he worked away in the week, he had an affair). I would like to tell everyone woman in the world not to put the man's interests above her own! What I find unforgiveable about your husband is that he shows no understanding or appreciation for the sacrifice you made for him, in fact he is attacking you for being unhappy instead of feeling any sadness at your situation and negotiating where you both live instead.

I agree.,so true in my case