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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In need of a handhold

30 replies

angryeyes · 04/09/2021 00:29

I'm due to get married in 2 weeks to the father of my child. We've been together for 4 years, had our beautiful baby boy and have seemly been a strong couple.

In June I found went on his phone and saw the log in page for only fans. I immediately questioned him and he said that he had been reading a news article on the bbc about it and it linked it to the webpage so he clicked on it. Couldn't give me a reason why but I had no reason to believe that he had done anything more. I checked all his emails, tried to log into the account. We had a big talk and he said he was being honest with me and before this he has never (to my knowledge lied).

Fast forward to today. I've been trying to log into his credit card to see how much we need to pay off. He was being cagey saying he couldn't log in etc. I told him to give me his phone and did it straight away. He immediately went pale and said he needed to talk to me.

Turns out he had been using onlyfans and has spent £90 on what he says are just pictures. He has said he deleted his account so can show me anything on there as after we had our conversation he realised just how much he had to loose.

I am devastated, absolutely gutted. As above our wedding is in 2 weeks. Everything is ready, all paid for (over £11,000), all invited and if we cancel now we loose everything and I mean every single penny.

I don't know what to do. The last month we have been solid, we have been talking about having another baby and actively trying, we have spoken about future plans including jobs and moving and now this.

What do I do. It's not as simple as LTB. I guess I just needed to rant somewhere. I'm low on friends and any who I'm close too I wouldn't want to tell. I'm embarrassed and hurt not to mention £90 is an absurd amount of money.

Is anyone around for a handhold

OP posts:
Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails · 04/09/2021 00:47

£90 is an absurd amount of money. It's also absurd to buy someone else. This early on, it will only get worse. No respect for you no respect for women. He thinks you can assume/buy consent. Is that ok with you? For whatever reason, you are upset by this, I would be too. Is you're happiness worth more than 11k? It will cost more than that to extricate him from your life later on. He has proven to have had very little respect for you and your relationship. They don't usually get better I'm afraid.

AloneOnSaturn · 04/09/2021 01:01

Hey. Sorry to hear you’re in this situation :(

What bothers you the most, the fact that he lied to you about having an account in the first place, seeking out lewd photos of another woman or paying for those photos? Can you forgive any of those elements?

Weenurse · 04/09/2021 01:03

Can you postpone the wedding to give you breathing room to sort out what you want? Do it soon so food is not already bought.

Geppili · 04/09/2021 01:07

Definitely postpone your wedding. He does not sound trustworthy.

tintodeverano2 · 04/09/2021 01:07

This is going to sound tough, but here it is...
yes, £11k is a lot of money, but how much would a divorce be?
It may be that this isn't something you can get over, and that's how it will end up, or maybe it is something that you can live with and forgive him.
It's horrible finding out that trust has been broken, it's one of the hardest things to deal with.

Geppili · 04/09/2021 01:09

Good point @tintodeverano2 about the money.

Pantsomime · 04/09/2021 01:09

OP he’s a liar and a cheat - don’t you dare take on his embarrassment - why should you be embarrassed - he’s the test- you can try to forget but it’s always going to be there. He can pretend he is what he isn’t for a while and then he will cheat again- the trust is gone - do not marry him

Ingloriousbasterd · 04/09/2021 01:10

I wouldn't be able to get over this...I think it's disgusting, not only is it disrespectful to you...he lied about using it when confronted and then continued to use and spend cash on it!!

Geppili · 04/09/2021 01:11

This is the point when he is meant to be head over heels in love with you and a new baby! He has shown contempt for you. Not least by his shit lying in June.

ZednotZee · 04/09/2021 01:12

I'm here to handhold.

You don't want to leave him or cancel your wedding.
Can you continue to turn a blind eye to such behaviour? Because he will probably do something like this again over the course of a fifty year marriage.
Would you rather give him the opportunity to change always knowing that you may be forced to divorce in your forties or fifties?

Only you know what you are willing to tolerate and what matters to you most.

Make the choices which make the most sense to you, as dispassionately as possible.

Tee20x · 04/09/2021 01:12

Another one for postponing.

He has shown you his true colours and it will either happen again or build resentment & either will kill the relationship anyway.

Better to get out of it now rather than tie yourself down with this person. I know you have a child (ren?) already, but do not go on to marry him.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/09/2021 01:13

Forget about the money. It's already spent, wedding or not.

What you need to ask yourself now is do you want to marry a man who behaves like this, and who very likely will continue to do so. Men like him rarely change their outlook on women and porn.

SquirryTheSquirrel · 04/09/2021 01:14

Your £11k is a sunk cost. It's spent whether you marry him or not.

Accept that you've spent £11k whatever happens. Do you still want to marry this man?

Your choice, but I wouldn't.

Geppili · 04/09/2021 01:18

CakeWineFlowers

Original poster
angryeyes · 04/09/2021 01:20

Thanks all. It really has taken me by surprise. I know this will sound silly and stupid but he has never ever been the type to do this.

I am not making any decisions tonight as I'm not in a good place. The venue wouldn't take any calls until Monday anyway.

OP posts:
Sleepyhungryfattyanddoc · 04/09/2021 01:24

Ahh op for me it’s not that he looked but that he lied multiple times

You said you’ve been solid for the past month, which seems odd - I would describe my relationship as solid for years / in general
Does that mean you Are normally a bit rocky?

AltitudeCheck · 04/09/2021 01:25

If you have found a stash of porn mags under his bed that he'd spent £20 quid or so acquiring and would you be considering LTB / postponing your wedding?? If not then what is upsetting you most about this?

I might be being naive as I'm not sure exactly what only fans is, I'm assuming a porn site so an expensive & high tech equivalent buying a porn mag?

At least, hopefully, some of what he pays reaches the woman producing the content rather than using a free site.

I might not like it but if my partner used his money to buy (legal) adult content and it's use didn't impact our sex life, finances or relationship I wouldn't be that bothered!

Jerryandtom · 04/09/2021 01:28

Two things are jumping out at me-

  1. The money spent on your wedding. In the run up to my wedding me and my EXH had loads of massive arguments to the point of almost splitting up. We didn't purely because of how much we had spent on the wedding and because lots of guests were travelling for the wedding and had booked accommodation etc and would lose money. We stayed together about 4 years after the wedding but those problems never went away and eventually we split. I really wish we had ended it earlier because it became so much harder later on.

  2. The not being able to tell other people. This was another thing I used to do. I would never ever let anyone, even my closest friends and family, think there was someone wrong between us. Now I realise that in itself is a massive red flag and when you know something is seriously not ok, because you know you should leave but also know you might not, which is why you don't want them to know. You don't want them to think you're staying with someone that is treating you like that because you know it's bad and what you'd say to them if they were in that position...

NotRightNowPlease · 04/09/2021 01:30

I’m so sorry but if you excuse this now it’ll only get worse.£11000 is nothing in the scheme of potentially (I say potentially but it’ll only get worse) divorcing him years down the line. He needs to know you will never accept this. And I know it hurts like hell right now but honestly, even if you end up together down the line, right now, you need to call off the wedding. And please don’t get back with him, he will never change.

You and your dc will be absolutely amazing without him, I promise you x

Setting clear boundaries doesn’t mean the end if they listen, respect and live them.

Geppili · 04/09/2021 01:39

@AltitudeCheck your analogy doesn't hold. Op has been lied to.

notangelinajolie · 04/09/2021 01:39

He lied to you.
He is a liar.
He has no respect for women.
He has no respect for you or your son.
Please don't marry him. Hold your head high and walk away.
Any money you will lose today will fade into insignificance compared to how much the divorce is going to cost you.

HateJudgmentalPeople · 04/09/2021 04:09

Yes I echo what others have said, postpone the wedding. Buying forms of sex is very addictive for some men and I feel like he may well be an addict of this, it may well be escorts next, and so I know you don’t want to hear this but I think ultimately, you have to LTB.

Sorry you are going through this.

HateJudgmentalPeople · 04/09/2021 04:11

@AltitudeCheck

If you have found a stash of porn mags under his bed that he'd spent £20 quid or so acquiring and would you be considering LTB / postponing your wedding?? If not then what is upsetting you most about this?

I might be being naive as I'm not sure exactly what only fans is, I'm assuming a porn site so an expensive & high tech equivalent buying a porn mag?

At least, hopefully, some of what he pays reaches the woman producing the content rather than using a free site.

I might not like it but if my partner used his money to buy (legal) adult content and it's use didn't impact our sex life, finances or relationship I wouldn't be that bothered!

OF is different to porn though as you can interact with the women on OF and you can’t do this with porn models in mags. He could be subscribed to receive content monthly and I guarantee he is interacting with the women on OF, it’s a form of cheating really.
Sakurami · 04/09/2021 04:21

With all the free stuff out there, why do people pay for onlyfans? Is it more intimate?

I'm sorry about this op. Talk to your family and friends.

HateJudgmentalPeople · 04/09/2021 04:29

@Sakurami

With all the free stuff out there, why do people pay for onlyfans? Is it more intimate?

I'm sorry about this op. Talk to your family and friends.

It’s because you can actually interact with the women whose content (pics and vids) you purchase, and men can delude themselves into thinking that the OF “model” really does like them and it’s not just about the money, just like men that buy escorts think, these sorts of men are extremely deluded when it comes to sex workers, that’s probably why women can make a small fortune from these men, they can’t see past the needs of their own penis and they assume that the women are the same. Pathetic and sad but oh so true.