In need of a handhold

[angryeyes]

I'm due to get married in 2 weeks to the father of my child. We've been together for 4 years, had our beautiful baby boy and have seemly been a strong couple.

In June I found went on his phone and saw the log in page for only fans. I immediately questioned him and he said that he had been reading a news article on the bbc about it and it linked it to the webpage so he clicked on it. Couldn't give me a reason why but I had no reason to believe that he had done anything more. I checked all his emails, tried to log into the account. We had a big talk and he said he was being honest with me and before this he has never (to my knowledge lied).

Fast forward to today. I've been trying to log into his credit card to see how much we need to pay off. He was being cagey saying he couldn't log in etc. I told him to give me his phone and did it straight away. He immediately went pale and said he needed to talk to me.

Turns out he had been using onlyfans and has spent £90 on what he says are just pictures. He has said he deleted his account so can show me anything on there as after we had our conversation he realised just how much he had to loose.

I am devastated, absolutely gutted. As above our wedding is in 2 weeks. Everything is ready, all paid for (over £11,000), all invited and if we cancel now we loose everything and I mean every single penny.

I don't know what to do. The last month we have been solid, we have been talking about having another baby and actively trying, we have spoken about future plans including jobs and moving and now this.

What do I do. It's not as simple as LTB. I guess I just needed to rant somewhere. I'm low on friends and any who I'm close too I wouldn't want to tell. I'm embarrassed and hurt not to mention £90 is an absurd amount of money.

Is anyone around for a handhold

We had a big talk and he said he was being honest with me…

I know you are reeling, OP. Your fiancé used family money to pay women for interactive sexual experiences. Then he lied and lied again, making a mockery of your trust. This is who he is.

Don’t sabotage your life. You and your child deserve an emotionally safe home. You’ve been forewarned and now have the opportunity to walk away from this faithless, dishonest, misogynist.

Whilst the only fans thing is a bit grim, unless I have misunderstood, it’s no more “interactive” than having a lap dance for example?
I wouldn’t be happy about it, but if everything else in the relationship was good, I wouldn’t cancel my wedding either. But it’s the lying isn’t it? Why didn’t he tell you? All I can say is that I work in a very male dominated industry and have done for 20+ years. They ALL watch porn/ visit strip bars etc and they ALL lie to their DP/DW about it. To them, it’s simply not significant, it has no relevance to their primary relationship (one described watching porn like going to the dentist - something you need to do!) and they know they’ll get in the shit for it, so why say anything??
I’m not saying I agree with what they do, simply that the majority of men attach far less significance to it than women do.

It's the thin end of the wedge though OP. It speaks volumes about the type of person he is. A liar. A gaslighter. No respect for women. Selfish. Driven by sex. A cheat. Unreliable. Cruel. Disrespectful to you.

Marry him at your peril.

@AltitudeCheck

If you have found a stash of porn mags under his bed that he'd spent £20 quid or so acquiring and would you be considering LTB / postponing your wedding?? If not then what is upsetting you most about this?

I might be being naive as I'm not sure exactly what only fans is, I'm assuming a porn site so an expensive & high tech equivalent buying a porn mag?

At least, hopefully, some of what he pays reaches the woman producing the content rather than using a free site.

I might not like it but if my partner used his money to buy (legal) adult content and it's use didn't impact our sex life, finances or relationship I wouldn't be that bothered!

I think the issue is that her fiancé has chosen to give money to this particular woman on OnlyFans, based on her looks. He will have conversed with her in a sexual manner, and requested bespoke content to be made for him.

Compared with porn mags / porn websites, it’s a completely different kettle of fish IMO.

I don't really understand what Onlyfans is but I do know what lying and covering things up is and that's the thing here, you can't trust him right now and how can you marry someone you don't trust?