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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this good relationship?

71 replies

needynelly56 · 03/09/2021 21:43

Been seeing my boyfriend for nearly a year now.
It seems that we only see each other on a weekend or once through the week when my children are at their dads.
He's not a texter, I am. Sometimes he opens messages and doesn't reply.
Say like tonight he was going to come over and drop the kids off a pizza, but I knew he was busy, working late so I said it was ok.
I got the impression he didn't want to come over anyway and I am so tired so not really an issue.
So I'm going to his tomorrow, but it's like it's always me making the effort. I asked him if he still wants to do this and his reply is "don't start this again, have a day off"
We don't do anything, maybe have a take away and watch a film, I go out with my friends he goes with his.
We did break up for a couple of weeks and he was keen to get back together but it's like it's back to the me doing the running.
I'm 45 and just cannot be bothered to do all this dating malarkey again.
Am I just overthinking??

OP posts:

Original poster

needynelly56 · 06/09/2021 14:27

I know where do you actually find that!

Honestly it has me ill.

Puts me off food which is a good thing like hahahah 😂🤣

OP posts:

Bypassed21 · 06/09/2021 14:29

It sounds like you've got into a routine of just staying in when you see this man. That can be ok - and certainly over the last year that you've been dating that's probably all you could of done most of that time.

However - now you want to go out more and it sounds like he doesn't. Have you actually discussed wanting to go out more? His comment was very dismissive so that's a worry but maybe you just caught him in a bad moment - has he been equally dismissive on other occasions?

The lack of texting in-between meeting could just be his style and he may think this is perfectly ok. Only you can decide if its ok for you. (personally it would drive me crazy and I have dumped a man in the past simply for being a bad communicator)

Ultimately if you are expending lots of energy just worrying over a relationship - if you're not sure where you stand after a year - or a boy friends habits (ie the texting style) is causing issues then it's probably right to call time on the relationship. You don't need to overthink this too much. If you are not comfortable in the relationship - then its a bad relationship and you need to end it.

I know what you mean about not having energy for dating at our age (I'm 47) but it's better to be alone than in a relationship which is making you doubt yourself.

Original poster

needynelly56 · 06/09/2021 14:48

Thank you so much for that lovely reply.

He's not a texter never has been.

But getting stuck in a rut is probably more to do with it.

I need to work on my self esteem I think!

OP posts:

Dacquoise · 06/09/2021 17:15

I had a whole history of emotionally unavailable men in my relationships. Stemmed back to my dysfunctional childhood and emotionally unavailable parents. It was my 'normal. Got into therapy. Worked on my self esteem and boundaries, started dating and bingo, met a securely attached lovely man. My new normal is very different now.

So to answer your question, find a man with a secure attachment style, someone who is honest and open emotionally. Simple/difficult as that!

Original poster

needynelly56 · 06/09/2021 17:20

What therapy did you do? X

OP posts:

Dacquoise · 06/09/2021 17:48

Humanist gestalt therapy. Gelled very well with my male therapist and feel like I can tell him anything. It has taken a long time but I feel like I have been reparented to accept and like myself. Thoroughly recommend it.

Original poster

needynelly56 · 06/09/2021 18:22

Will have a look thank you xx

OP posts:

Original poster

needynelly56 · 06/09/2021 21:35

How often should you text tho? What is normal? X

OP posts:

category12 · 06/09/2021 21:44

It depends on the people.

Me and bf message each other all the time, it's comfortable for both of us and we miss it if for some reason one or other of us is quieter than normal.

You'll no doubt get people coming on to tell you that messaging once a week is too much for them or whatever.

Don't compare yourself against what other people do tho - it's about what feels comfortable to you. And him. But if your preferences don't match up with his, it isn't automatically that you're wrong & "needy".

It seems to me like you probably feel "needy" because he isn't giving you much.

Original poster

needynelly56 · 07/09/2021 18:21

Yeah I did text today and his reply was "don't start i am not in the mood"

So I don't actually know what is wrong

OP posts:

Herecomesthesun70 · 07/09/2021 18:24

@needynelly56

Yeah I did text today and his reply was "don't start i am not in the mood"

So I don't actually know what is wrong

Not in the mood for you to text? What had to sent him?

Original poster

needynelly56 · 07/09/2021 19:16

Just said what's wrong x

OP posts:

category12 · 07/09/2021 19:19

It doesn't sound like he actually likes you that much.

BlackIsQueen · 07/09/2021 19:20

He's a cunt babe. Set yourself free

Original poster

needynelly56 · 07/09/2021 19:27

He was the one that wanted this!

I don't think he's even been to work! So god knows

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TheHouseIsOnFire · 07/09/2021 19:49

Don’t wait around for him to be in the mood! Dump his sorry ass and at least then you’ll know you don’t need to accept his crumbs, you can move on and meet someone nice or be happy on your own.

thelastgoldeneagle · 07/09/2021 19:57

You've only been together a year! It should still be the honeymoon phase! But you're like an old married couple staying in all the time - but without the love and respect.

I'd dump his thoughtless, rude arse.

Original poster

needynelly56 · 07/09/2021 20:15

I'm
Too nice! I know that xx

OP posts:

category12 · 07/09/2021 20:25

Give him the push.

While you're wasting energy and niceness on this CBA guy, you're missing your chances to find a Can Be Arsed guy.

Original poster

needynelly56 · 08/09/2021 17:52

I know he text this morning asking if I was in a mood I just said no hahahaha x

OP posts:

Original poster

needynelly56 · 11/09/2021 18:25

I can't believe I put up with this rubbish for soo long. He will try and wangle back in again I imagine x

OP posts:

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