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Original poster

Is this good relationship?

71 replies

needynelly56 · 03/09/2021 21:43

Been seeing my boyfriend for nearly a year now.
It seems that we only see each other on a weekend or once through the week when my children are at their dads.
He's not a texter, I am. Sometimes he opens messages and doesn't reply.
Say like tonight he was going to come over and drop the kids off a pizza, but I knew he was busy, working late so I said it was ok.
I got the impression he didn't want to come over anyway and I am so tired so not really an issue.
So I'm going to his tomorrow, but it's like it's always me making the effort. I asked him if he still wants to do this and his reply is "don't start this again, have a day off"
We don't do anything, maybe have a take away and watch a film, I go out with my friends he goes with his.
We did break up for a couple of weeks and he was keen to get back together but it's like it's back to the me doing the running.
I'm 45 and just cannot be bothered to do all this dating malarkey again.
Am I just overthinking??

OP posts:
bridgeofslides · 03/09/2021 23:12

He sounds really boring.

Original poster
needynelly56 · 03/09/2021 23:12

I want to go out, I want to enjoy things together and have a laugh.

He likes staying in or other peoples houses

OP posts:
Sakurami · 04/09/2021 06:29

I would talk to him and tell him that staying in all the time is boring. So decide on a schedule and if he refuses then leave him.

GreyCarpet · 04/09/2021 09:04

The level of contact would suit me fine but otherwise, no. What is the point in spending time wiith someone who you find boring and doesn't make you happy?

Onelifeonly · 04/09/2021 09:32

'He likes staying in or other peoples houses'

Is he short of money maybe? Or just lazy?

SimoneSimone · 04/09/2021 11:00

He doesn't sound like a boyfriend, more of a casual acquaintance. Not a good relationship really, you can do much better.

sofato5miles · 04/09/2021 11:14

Scratch this, honestly. It's not making you happy and is stopping you from meeting someone who will.

I did the same thing, settled abit but came to my senses and then met the love of my life. He interestingly had finished a meh relationship that was on a treadmill for marriage and is now so embarrassed at the level of settling he was about to make. Luckily he saw sense when she tried to do an ultimatum on a deal breaker for him.

We are 47 and 50 and very much, properly in love. And could have missed this chance by being scared of the unknown and not leaving v average relationships.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 04/09/2021 14:25

One of the things that jumped out at me was about him saying similar things to his mother. A real Red Flag, IMHO. IME the men who have conflicted relationships with their mothers seemed to go on to have similar with partners. They often seemed not to like women very much. Sad

Seasidevibes · 04/09/2021 14:54

Have a day off, and another and another…
Find someone who appreciates their time with you and values you.

Original poster
needynelly56 · 05/09/2021 12:26

Well I never went last night! And went out with my mates! Nursing a hangover and now out swimming with the kids! Happy Sunday!!

OP posts:
layladomino · 05/09/2021 16:21

Good for you! You did the right thing.

You said earlier that he's sometimes all for it and then it's nothing. This shouldn't be confusing - if someone is keen / serious then there's no blowing hot and cold. They don't make you doubt it, you don't have to analyse their words. They leave you in no doubt they want to be with you. Walk away.

Original poster
needynelly56 · 05/09/2021 17:23

Thank you! I do admit I think I'm needy mind ConfusedConfused

OP posts:
category12 · 05/09/2021 17:38

@needynelly56

Thank you! I do admit I think I'm needy mind ConfusedConfused
Are you 'though? Or have you just been convinced that asking/expecting things from him is an imposition?

It's OK to have needs and expectations in a relationship.

It's OK to expect your messages to be answered.
It's OK to expect him to make the effort to come to you sometimes (say 50% of the time)
It's OK to expect to go on dates and have fun together, not just sit in watching the films he wants to watch.
It's OK to ask for reassurance if you're feeling unvalued or insecure sometimes.

What makes you deserving of the "needy" title?

bamboocat · 05/09/2021 17:38

Good for you. Smile

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 05/09/2021 18:12

His response was awful. The relationship itself would probably be fixable if you were both open to compromise but the dismissive response would be it for me TBH.

Original poster
needynelly56 · 05/09/2021 19:58

Yeah half of it is tho, he does like to wind me up too, half the time I don't even know he is joking or not.

See if he gets In touch in the next few day's

OP posts:
sofato5miles · 05/09/2021 20:56

I"d just block. He is not the right man for you

SmallDragonfly · 06/09/2021 12:00

I had a boyfriend like this. I did all the running around. He never once drove to my house - infact he never drove once in the time we were together so I really questioned if he could actually drive - would only see me when I didn't have the kids. Made up all these promises about the future but 18months down the line nothing changed, it was still exactly the same as the beginning and he prioritised his brother and mum (who he still lived with at 45) over me, he was all about going out and keeping up his reputation that in the end we all thought thst he was only in a relationship with me to make himself look normal.. I was still going to his house one night a week and over the weekend, driving the 45 min drive to his, I had to eat before I went up as his mum still made his dinner. We watched films as a "family" then I went home. It was dull and disappointing and not going anywhere at all. Leaving him was the best thing I did as men like that never change.

BrisbaneandGone · 06/09/2021 12:26

@needynelly56

Yeah half of it is tho, he does like to wind me up too, half the time I don't even know he is joking or not.

See if he gets In touch in the next few day's

I wouldn't wait for him to get in touch, I'd tell him it's not working out and call it a day
Original poster
needynelly56 · 06/09/2021 12:32

I know I just feel so bloody stupid.

He text last night saying good night and then that's it!!

I haven't a clue what's going on!

OP posts:
UseOfWeapons · 06/09/2021 13:00

I think it’s time to say goodbye. This is not working for you, so what’s the point?
He’s being a dick, end it, block, and move on.

knittingaddict · 06/09/2021 13:07

He did yeah. But I've heard him say that to his mother too gringrin

So he's a misogynist then and it's all the women in his life that he treats badly?

Original poster
needynelly56 · 06/09/2021 13:41

It's just the lack of communication I hate, which is probably just me again, as other people same to have no problem with this side of things.

OP posts:
category12 · 06/09/2021 13:47

What's going on is that he's acting like nothing has happened, expecting you to fall back in line.

Look, you don't get what you want or need with this guy. Why are you wasting your time?

Dacquoise · 06/09/2021 14:04

You mentioned 'emotionally unavailable '. I would add avoidant to that as well. Wants a partner but without much effort on his part and keeping you at arms length. It's a recipe for misery in my experience. You will be giving/chasing, he will be taking/avoiding.

Find someone more secure, who is interested, giving and truly loving towards you. You won't be left wondering what the hell is going on. It will be life changing.