What are the rights and wrongs here?

[MerylSqueak]

I'm going to try and make this as objective as I can for my own sake really because I am trying to work out what I myself think. I'm not doing it to conceal which one I am. I'm really very conflicted about it.

A happily married couple live away from any close family due to a very specific job one of them I'll call person A does. They are the main breadwinner. The other one's job can be done pretty much anywhere. They work full time but the salary isn't enough to cover the household bills alone. I'll call them person B.

Person A is deeply unhappy in the place they do their job long term, although they love what they do. This isn't likely to change. The position is probably quite insecure at the moment, not helped by Covid, Brexit and long-term trends in the sector. Other places to do the job are very possibly more secure but not unaffected by these things.

Person B loves their job and also the place they work but, as said, would be able to get a similar position elsewhere (although obviously might not like the working environment so much). This is a relatively new development.

They have two children who are very happy and settled with close friendships etc.

Person A has the possibility of a job elsewhere. Person B has always been supportive of their applications elsewhere because of the unhappiness. But suddenly everything is somehow coming together for the other three people involved and they are very happy.

How do we work out what to do, given that staying means one person will be unhappy and in a job that might disappear (this is far from certain but they are the main breadwinner) and going means three people's happy lives would be disrupted (although they may well adapt somewhere else).

What's the right thing to do?

How old are the children?
I’d be mess inclined to move if they were teens, happy and settled tbh

I should say, it wouldn't be possible for person A to get a similar job nearby. It doesn't exist.

How old are the DC?
I would move so person A has a chance at happiness unless the DC are in GCSE or A level years of school.
Families move all the time and children will find new friends and get used to a new school and town.
Also, if they are older primary/younger secondary technology today is such that they can keep in touch with old friends online.

11 and 13. I take your point. Person B does too but is very unhappy. They recently did another big upheaval (too outing to explain. It didn't affect person A's job) for Person A and they've just got everyone settled again.

I'd stay and would say this if I was A or B. If I was person B I'd obviously want to stay, and if I was person A I wouldn't want to risk 3 people being unhappy for me, the guilt would be too much. I also think the impact on children that age of being uprooted is pretty significant socially.

Interesting split of opinion! Thank you for your responses.

I think it depends on what else the new job Person A has been offered is bringing. You mention that "Other places to do the job are very possibly more secure". If the new job offered significantly more long term certainty and security then I think I'd give it much more thought. If it was only the happiness point (not in any way saying this isn't a very important point) then like other posters have said I'd be more inclined to stay so as to not disrupt the three other family members. Although also FWIW I moved school aged 12 and it didn't take long until I was just as happy at my new school. I was also old enough to keep in touch with people from my old school. I hope it works out for you all, whatever you decide :-)

Maybe B should look for work that pays more so that A could look to retrain or do something different where they are? Would that be of interest to A?

You spend so much of your time at work, that if you're really unhappy there, it can be soul-destroying.

It's a good idea but A doesn''t have any interest in doing something else. Work is a passion for them. It's just the group of people at work that's a problem. It is soul destroying but so would giving up on the role be.

Security would be great. We always feel like the axe is about to fall.

Thank you for your responses. I can't settle my thoughts. I'm going to sleep on it and hope inspiration, or at least decision strikes.

There are other options for A. They don’t have to move the family to change jobs. They could commute weekly. They could retrain. They need to show willing to compromise before they ask others to sacrifice. If they aren’t, then no one should trail after them.

Would it be possible for A to find work closer to family (assuming non-toxic relatives)? Make it a move that has more benefits for everyone?

Is A being bullied at work?

I'm reading this as though A is a vicar with a toxic Church Committee. I say stay and work through the problems.

I think at ages 11 and 13 they are likely to easily make new friends. My kids all made new friends when they started secondary school despite living close to their old friends.

If his job is insecure and he is unhappy then now may be the best time to move? The real sacrifice would be made by person B imo.

Maybe A is the problem? Will A actually settle at the next place, or the next? Could A retrain/commute? If the next job is also affected by the same factors as where they are now.
I’d move primary age but not secondary unless necessary.
What do the dc think? If they are accepting of another move that may sway my decision.
Presumably you’re B.

So A expects the 3 others to uproot from their happy lives. No I say A needs to commute to another job or move careers. I say this assuming A had uprooted the family before.

Yes I think A needs to realise that moving isn’t necessarily going to make them happy and moving everyone just because of that at those ages is a huge risk - secondary schools places can be very rare
Start by looking at options to make the current situation better and what A can change

Is there not an alternative? Weekly commute for A? Or a role that is mostly home working?

I think B should probably look to improve their income, so breadwinning A has both more options and less power.

After all, if As job is insecure and does end, they're presumably screwed for staying where they are anyway, given Bs wages don't cover the bills.

All very well wanting to stay put, but external factors may make the decision for them.

Person B should surely not want Person A to be desperately unhappy in their job? I would move.

Is A one of these people who has issues with the people at every job they’ve ever done? If so, changing jobs won’t help.

A needs to look into weekly commuting. They won't be the first or the last to do it.

My father did for a number of years (he too had quite a niche job) and it enabled him to progress his career. He moved twice before settling nearer to home again.

We considered moving very seriously for his second role however my brother and I were approaching big exams and it would have been into a grammar school area, plus we were happy friendship-wise, and my mum loved her job and where we lived.

It is somewhat like the vicar situation mentioned. A isn't being demanding or insistent. They've just been very unhappy for a very long time. We've both made sacrifices for each other over the years, like A coming to this country for B (and the job). They're an EU citizen.

There are two job possibilities at the moment. One is a 7 hour drive, the other is in A's home country.

B doesn't have settled wider family. The DC are very against a move. I can't say what the move was before without being really revealing as it's not something I have heard people do before. It was very hard but ultimately worth it

There is constant low - level bullying at work. They feel it is endemic so an HR tribunal would do nothing. They have settled status but worry about their position in this country without a job.

There would be very little scope for retraining into a well paid job where we are. We're very rural in a low pay area.

Sleep brought no clarity, by the way. I'm very grateful for your replies. It helps me think about the issues.

One constrain - give the ages of the kids, I think you have to either move now (before Christmas) or stay put for 7 years for the kids to finish school. In 2 or 3 years it will be much harder to move.

So with that constraint, have you tried drawing up a big list with the pros and cons ? Not just jobs but also lifestyle and friends etc.

Finally, can A or B work online and does that give more flexibility?