What are the rights and wrongs here?

[MerylSqueak]

I'm going to try and make this as objective as I can for my own sake really because I am trying to work out what I myself think. I'm not doing it to conceal which one I am. I'm really very conflicted about it.

A happily married couple live away from any close family due to a very specific job one of them I'll call person A does. They are the main breadwinner. The other one's job can be done pretty much anywhere. They work full time but the salary isn't enough to cover the household bills alone. I'll call them person B.

Person A is deeply unhappy in the place they do their job long term, although they love what they do. This isn't likely to change. The position is probably quite insecure at the moment, not helped by Covid, Brexit and long-term trends in the sector. Other places to do the job are very possibly more secure but not unaffected by these things.

Person B loves their job and also the place they work but, as said, would be able to get a similar position elsewhere (although obviously might not like the working environment so much). This is a relatively new development.

They have two children who are very happy and settled with close friendships etc.

Person A has the possibility of a job elsewhere. Person B has always been supportive of their applications elsewhere because of the unhappiness. But suddenly everything is somehow coming together for the other three people involved and they are very happy.

How do we work out what to do, given that staying means one person will be unhappy and in a job that might disappear (this is far from certain but they are the main breadwinner) and going means three people's happy lives would be disrupted (although they may well adapt somewhere else).

What's the right thing to do?

I've always thought that when you genuinely can't decide between two options, maintain the status quo. The current two options won't be the only ones you will ever have, and in time a better solution may present itself.

Re reading it, it also seems to me that A is getting unfairly prioritised in the situation. A is unhappy but the only option they see as viable is the new job, not trying to improve their current situation, not exploring a different field. Because of As fixed focus on a single option, the happiness of everyone else is put at risk. Who is to say B won't be unhappy and have awful colleagues at their new place? Or the children won't fit in at school? Or even that A finds the new environment difficult too? It seems as though A's needs tend to be seen as paramount. Even the language about A moving here implies that A did this as a favour to B, and therefore B owes them, when presumably A wanted them to be together as much as B did. Sorry if I'm way off, but its just how it comes across o me reading again.

Re person A: There are only two places in the country which offer these posts? The current place and seven hours away place? OMG. That’s a rare job to be sure.

I’m going to imagine it as a lion keeper!! If he can’t change the staff he is working under/with is there no way he couldn’t try something similar which would be in the same place but with different people who aren’t bullies? The polar bear house might not be as good as the lion house but it could be ok in the meantime? With a view to deciding on a big job change after covid?

You don’t have much security when you’re just in a job. If he’s been in his current post a wile he will be through any probationary period and have more security than if he moves job in the middle of a global pandemic. I’d suggest he sits tight. Now is not a good time to move job unless it’s to a different branch of the same organisation. Could he get a promotion to get above the bullies?

Is he neurotypical or could autism or a lack of confidence or something medical etc be making him very insistent on not changing his career. Or is it that he’s always wanted to be a, er, lion keeper/vicar

DC are never going to vote to move. That’s like turkeys and Christmas. However I’d keep their wishes in mind but it wouldn’t be the main reason I’d do anything.

Person B sounds like they aren’t as concerned as the others about a potential move. But they are entitled to be happy too. Is the other country somewhere that all could ALL be happy in future? And work legally. And have good schooling. Is it affordable or is the cost of living realistically unaffordable? If so perhaps that should be given consideration after covid.

Covids messing up everything.

Persons A & B are the parents, and if one parent is really miserable, then although the other parent and the dc are currently happy, one unhappy parent in the family will ultimately have an impact on the happiness of the other three. So on the whole, my inclination would be that a move might be the best thing overall in the long run. And sooner rather than later, because it won't be long before the older dc starts working on their GCSE's.

What will happen if A is managed out, fired, made redundant, has a breakdown?

If you're not going to move then B needs to step up and make up the shortfall so that any of the former are not financially disastrous.

I think B should have made it clearer to A that they were unhappy with another move sooner. It will be devastating to A to see a light at the end of the tunnel and then have that pulled away.

It does sound like A is being pushed out of their job through bullying. It will come to head and A will either have a mental breakdown and resign, or be managed out. I would view As job as not secure and toxic.

It is much easier to find a new job when employed. A cannot wait for the axe to fall here. So I think a move is inevitable. However, by going now you have some control over things and A has a definite new job to move to. If you wait, it will be harder for A to find a job, might not find one, end up on benefits and being an EU citizen after 6mos or so may end up facing deportation or at least the end of benefits.

Too, as others pointed out, your older child will be starting GCSEs soon and if you delay moving, that could kill their chances of good GCSE grades.

Moving now, while stressful, would be to avoid a much more stressful situation that I think A sees coming.

I wouldn't expect a partner to stay in a job where they are being bullied.

• A needs to open up to options like a change of career to stay put

• Or joint options such as A living away during the week if the money's good enough

• B needs to look at what they could do to improve their income to enable staying/pay the bills if A changes career, gets the push or has a breakdown. (But you really don't want to leave until they have a breakdown.)