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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think I’m like women….what do I do?!

38 replies

Mirrorpalm · 03/09/2021 19:42

I’m recently divorced after a very long relationship (19 years), nearly 45 and I’ve realised I just have no interest in men at all. I’ve been reading stuff about comphet and realised that I’ve never really liked men sexually. My previous partner was my best friend but sex was a chore.

I want to explore this but where do I start?! I had a quick look on the main dating apps and it wasn’t that fruitful. Will lesbians look down on me as I’m middle aged and never been with a woman? And how do I meet similar women to me?

Any tips appreciated

OP posts:
Kittykat93 · 03/09/2021 19:44

Just go on dating sites and set your preferences to women. No one will care that you haven't been with a woman before honestly 😊 I'm bi and in an open relationship have found women from tinder etc

Mirrorpalm · 03/09/2021 19:44

I like women

I definitely am a woman!

OP posts:
SyIviescup · 03/09/2021 19:50

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PinkiOcelot · 03/09/2021 19:56

It is possible OP. One of my good friends broke up with her husband a couple of years ago and is now living with a woman who also only had previous relationships with men. They’re really happy together.
However, they knew each other before their splits so didn’t have to find a relationship as such.

Mirrorpalm · 03/09/2021 19:57

Hey @SyIviescup thanks for the kind remarks. I haven’t just been through a break-up, I said I am recently divorced. I left my husband (through choice) nearly 3 years ago and have been single since.

And clearly, as I stated, this is something that has been on my mind for a few years so certainly not ‘rubbernecking’ or ‘taking the piss’.

I’d prefer advice from others that have been through similar rather than judgemental insults.

OP posts:
Mirrorpalm · 03/09/2021 19:58

@PinkiOcelot this is the thing. Women always seem to meet organically but I only know married straight women!

OP posts:
theflippantpenguin · 03/09/2021 19:59

Also, what lesbian bars? They're few and far between these days, even if OP lives in London or Manchester or Brighton.

worriedandannoyed · 03/09/2021 20:00

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COLLIESHANGLES · 03/09/2021 20:00

Lesbians are usually very nice about this sort of thing. (Source, I'm one of them).

Mirrorpalm · 03/09/2021 20:03

waving

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 03/09/2021 20:04

If the OP was a man saying he thinks he's gay he would never get a comment like this. I could almost guarantee it

AryaStarkWolf · 03/09/2021 20:06

Sorry that was supposed to be quoting @SyIviescup

Couchbettato · 03/09/2021 20:08

After 2 long term relationships and one child I have recently come to discover that I'm actually probably a lesbian. I think of women sexually and never have really thought of men that way but never really put 2 and 2 together. I'm almost 27!

I don't know what the answer is OP. I feel like it'll be hard for me to establish a relationship with a woman or to explore my sexuality now I've got a child, and I also think the kinds of women I like just won't like me back.

Graphista · 03/09/2021 20:10

It's a tricky one.

I came out as bi at 40 and went to the gay clubs and bars near me as part of that awakening BUT there is wariness of women thinking they may be bi/lesbian after having been in a long term hetero relationship as it is also quite common to have been put off men due to the experience but only short to medium term which is where you're at still.

For me it was more of a being honest about who I've always been but didn't admit it to anyone but I knew myself. The first crush I had as a teen/pubescent was on a girl friend and so was my 2nd crush but then my next crush was on a boy and I felt so confused and it was still then (80's) very taboo, plus I was raised Catholic and conservative parents which didn't help at all. I was quite late getting my first boyfriend almost 16 and my dad actually said "thank goodness! I was beginning to worry you were a lesbian!" Which just confirmed to me never to tell him.

Clandestinely dated a few girls when younger (they were closeted too) and then met and married ex ( a man)

Then when that went pear shaped I like you went right off men (hardly surprising after what he put me through) but then around 7/8 years later when I was starting to "recover" I met a nice chap and dated him for a while.

Since then I've dated men and women but until I hit 40 I wasn't open about it. Then with that being a Milestone birthday I did the whole "where is my life going" thing and ultimately decided to come out - except to my father and I never told ex either, none of his business!

The last person I told was my dd as I felt it needed to be handled carefully and she was early teens herself at this stage so it felt quite scary

As it turns out she just rolled her eyes the way teens do and was like "so? Makes no difference to me long as you're happy mum. Plus I think I am"

So that was a weird/funny conversation Grin

You don't have to decide everything at once. You can also go on specific chat forums to discuss with other lesbian/bi women it's been a while since I have so they may not be around still the ones I used I can't remember the blooming names

Ease into it, don't rush yourself, don't be pushy if you're attracted to someone and just give yourself the time and space to work out what's right for you.

I will say there can be with some lesbians scepticism towards bi women generally and especially bi women who've had long term get relationships so be aware of that.

Hope you find your way

GinJeanie · 03/09/2021 20:13

@SyIviescup - really mean and uncalled for! 😳 Of course it's not unusual for people to get to midlife before realising their true sexuality, especially given societal attitudes of the past.

Beamur · 03/09/2021 20:15

Do you have any lesbian friends?
I'm straight but have quite a lot of lesbian friends. A comment one friend made made me think that women meet women in slightly different ways to how women meet men. But I don't know how..
I think it might be easier for you with a friend to give you the insider information!

SyIviescup · 03/09/2021 20:16

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Mirrorpalm · 03/09/2021 20:26

@Beamurhes I do through work but they’re quite a bit younger than me. I’m middle aged with children so different life stage really.

I’m not going to respond to @SyIviescup because they’ve obviously decided I am something I am not and life is really not worth wasting on aggressive simple minded people you come across on the internet!

OP posts:
SyIviescup · 03/09/2021 20:40

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Unsure1983 · 03/09/2021 20:45

@SyIviescup what the fuck is wrong with you

DavidRosefluffyjumper · 03/09/2021 20:47

I'm in a similar position, although not quite so sure I'm ready for dating. I have over the past few years found myself a couple of times in some very low level (rubbish) flirting and I know at least one of those women was straight (because she kindly managed to tell me a story with the detail of I'm heterosexual!).

Justasecondnow · 03/09/2021 20:47

The temptation to reply to people picking arguments for no reason is hard to resist. OP is right though. Ignore you know who!

Mirrorpalm · 03/09/2021 20:51

@DavidRosefluffyjumper no I’m not sure I am either. When I said the dating apps weren’t fruitful I meant i had a look but didn’t really find anyone I thought was in a similar place / life stage to me. I’ve not gone as far as matching and chatting as of yet!

OP posts:
DavidRosefluffyjumper · 03/09/2021 20:55

I haven't tried dating apps. They are terrifying aren't they?!

putthetubeinthebin · 03/09/2021 21:05

You can be straight up (no pun intended!) on the dating apps, whether on your actual profile or early on in the conversation. I've been on apps looking for both men and women and you get people in all situations.

You can literally say "I've only had relationships with men but having been single for 3 years I've realised I'd like to explore my attraction to women" those who are only interested in card carrying lesbians will just avoid.

Good luck and enjoy!!