I HATE my family

[PearlyRising]

I know that's a shocking thing to say but my mother glossed over hurting me a year and a half ago and has not acknowledged that she hurt me one in that time but has got my brother and father on her side. They're telling me I HURT HER. And I cannot reason with them. Just had a slanging match with my brother, he was supposedly the logical one but he cannot grasp the unfairness of the situation. She hurt me and that's dismissed by her/them as a grudge and yet the hurt I caused her, telling her that she hurt me, that's taken oh so so so seriously and affected her health.

I have tried so hard to let it go and I can't. I hate them. I hate them.

So so so furious. I know i sound like a toddler but I cannot deal with this illogical bullshit.

I think on MN in general there is too much expectation by posters on other people to change or see the error of their ways. Too many people demanding to know if they are 'right'. Trying to understand the other point of view.

When really it doesn't matter who is wrong or right. It doesn't matter if people don't recognise they're wrong. It doesn't matter if people never apologise. Or you don't understand it. You're never going to win people around to your point of view. So just walk away. Let go.

And when you let go of it properly, it stops hurting you completely. And you suddenly wondered why you bothered.

Do have a look and or post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages. Some of the posters there have come from a similar dynamic i.e. narcissistic mother, enabler (weak) father and a golden child sibling (a role also not without price but remain unaware of this).

People are also programmed to love their parents anyway, no matter how rubbish or toxic they actually are.

You will also need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. Finding a good therapist to work with (you need to find someone well versed in narcissistic abuse) could help you no end. It may also be an idea for you to look at the Out of the FOG and Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers websites.

PearlyRising

Re an earlier comment of yours:-

"Rationally I know that they have treated me very badly and that their defenses are so rigid that they will never put down their shields and get it.
But for some reason I keep hoping that they'll have an epiphany".

So many adult children of narcissistic parents fall into that trap; that there will be an epiphany. These narcissists are past masters of, "come closer so I can hurt you again". Narcissists are habitually cruel in little ways, as well as big ones, because they're paying attention to their fantasy and not to you, but the bruises on you are REAL, not in your imagination. Thus, no matter how gently you suggest that they might do better to change their ways or get some help, they will react in one of two equally horrible ways: they will attack or they will withdraw. Be wary of wandering into this dragon's cave narcissists will say ANYTHING, they will trash anyone in their own self-justification, and then they will expect the immediate restoration of the status quo. They will attack you (sometimes physically) and spew a load of bile, insult, abuse, contempt, threats, etc., and then well, it's kind of like they had indigestion and the vicious tirade worked like a burp: "There. Now I feel better. Where were we?" They feel better, so they expect you to feel better, too. They will say you are nothing, worthless, and turn around immediately and say that they love you. When you object to this kind of treatment, they will say, "You just have to accept me the way I am.

Stand back OP.

View your family as if you are in a bird hide and watching a different breed in their natural habitat. They communicate differently, react differently, and will never enter your habitat. That’s just how it is.

Stand back and view them. Socialise when you feel like it, but from a safe outside standpoint rather than expecting to be in the same flock.

Thank you @AttilaTheMeerkat yes that is spot on. I have only every had those two responses from them. Attack or withdraw. Nothing in between.
And it's true, they say "we love you but we cannot cope with this" and the "this" is my reaction to being hurt.

My mother is dying and yet i know my conscience will be clear when she goes. I have been pushing to have a conversation for 18 months.

I am not responsible for the fact that she wouldnt talk to me. She has alternated between attack and withdraw.

They will never acknowledge it OP.

My DM refused to accept one little thing she did to me. My feelings, needs and wants were never valid in her eyes. But then judging from the lack of interest at her funeral she did it to everyone.

Try to live your life without them in it. When they are elderly and needing care your DB can crack on.

Your family are just not nice people, they're damaged and bad for you. You only have one life, it's not fair, but I'd advise going NC with them all, moving on to create a new family and nurture friendships with people who genuinely do care about and respect you. They'll just drag you down over and over if you remain in contact with them.

So many unfair things happen in life, it sucks, but exposing yourself to the source of hurt is far worse than excluding it.

With regard to therapy, It has helped me stay strong, at work, with my teens, ive been less anxious, less hard on myself, more content, but as soon as there is any contact with my family im a triggered mess.

So therapy helps of course and i recommend it to anybody wonderingvif they shoukd bite the bullet but im still triggered by their need to hurt me to be ok.

Well my dad just told my brother that an apology to me would be "wholly inappropriate".

So there it is. They are entitled to hurt me. Im not entitled to react. That is my family.

I don’t really understand why you want an apology so badly. You can accept them as they are without that meaning that you agree with their opinions internally. Can’t you let them be in your life, accept they’re imperfect but not let it hurt you so much? From the way you write about them it sounds like you’re still a teenager and stuck living with them. It all seems very intense.

It's not an apology i want, i want them to acknowledge that all i did was tell them they'd hurt me. That's what started this falling out. But they've never been able to receive any feedback. I must support their rosy perception of themselves and im not doing that now so i am craaazy, angry, sensitive, emotional, dramatic etc. But in their view what i am not is hurt by them.

That's who they are and it's very hard to accept.

They reverse martyred, so it became all about how Id hurt them.

And by telling them they'd hurt me, id perpetrated some massive act of aggression against them.

I need to give up.

Im not a teenager, but I have been mobbed by my family. They are cross with me!

I had a fight with my brother yesterday and our mother is dying. Yes it's intense.

Only you can remove yourself from all this OP, I think if you choose to stay close to them you have to expect all of this. They wont change, ever.amy people go LC or NC because of a similar situation to save their own mental health.

If a friend treated you like this you’d drop them. If a partner treated you like this for years you’d dump them. Just because you share DNA with these people doesn’t mean that you have to put up with them, not at all.

Are you still seeing the therapist? Sounds like there is still more to talk about

Yes if a friend did this to me, lied about understanding what caused my hurt (I wrote it all down in a letter, as well as being clear in my initial text) then I would back awaaaaaay. She has also lied to my brother and told him that she has tried to make amends. So he thinks the problem is me. She is literally destroying the relationship between her two only children because she cannot say ''i hurt you''.

I know I have to give up on these people.

I'm in therapy and it's helpful but I think sometimes posters over estimate the effect of therapy. It's not like you instantly don't feel the pain of being trashed by your family.

I am NC with my family of origin, being my mother and my 3 siblings. My DF died some years ago - a deeply flawed man but we had a close and loving relationship.

My sister is a full-on coercive narcissist and is utterly toxic. DM was horribly violent (only to me). I left home as a teenager.

I cannot count the years I have wasted trying to navigate this totally fucked up mess of a family. Being hurt over and over again without realising how deep the rabbit hole went. At that point I didn't know about toxic family dynamics and the role of the family scapegoat (punchbag).

My sisters last meltdown was the final straw for me. This was 4 years ago.

Going NC was hard. I mean REALLY hard, because of all the conditioning and the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). But I can assure you it does get easier.

I have had a few wobbles - Christmas for example, when I start thinking perhaps I have been too harsh and should extend an olive branch. But then I have a stern word with myself or seek support from the Stately Homes club.

Your family will NEVER apologise for their behaviour or even admit they have been horrible to you. It just doesn't fit with the dynamic. It's shit, yes, but it's the way it is.

I don't regret going NC for a single second. I never want to see nor hear from any of them ever again. I even moved away and did not pass my new address to anyone who might have contact with them.

My mother is very old now and in poor health. I did my best with her, and that was all I could do (and more than she deserved). I won't mourn her passing when the time comes. And I won't be at the funeral either.

Sending strength and solidarity to you. I totally get it.

@coffeeisthebest

I read a quote yesterday that was something along the lines of: The truth will set you free. It will make you very angry first but ultimately it will set you free'. I think you need to go to therapy with this, your anger needs to be heard and your family will never hear it. I'm so sorry. You need to find someone who will.

That is in the Bible, spoken by Jesus Christ Son of God, Saviour . Eternal and ultimate wisdom and truth.

May I offer one thought on all this? Make some peace before death arrives to any of your family. Forgive even a little.

My mother was killed on the road when we were alienated - although I never had your anger.

But after that there was no hope of any peace or amendment. And that hurts more than anything else. They ARE family and the love is there. Try? Your anger is not hurting anyone but you.

You do sound quite paranoid. They don’t seem to have supported you in getting help for this.

Im not paranoid at all. I am far too trusting and open as i was raised to believe i had no right to my own perspective. No idea how you could have concluded i was paranoid.

Thank you @sicario
Ive no plans to contact them at the moment. That will bring me a rest from the anger. Im not an angry person but i am angry and sad and betrayed and let down by them.

I have to stop squaring up to be hurt more.

@soloisland it sounds like good advice to make peace but it's not even in my power. She and therefore her enablers are angry with me!. If i were to say "i forgive yoi for not caring that you hurt me" then that'd make them l even more angry. And it is the inappropriateness and the injustice of their anger that keeps twisting the knife.

I just need to step away from this gaslighting madness.

Ive been pushing for commujication for 18 months. She /they wont engage

It's not what id want, but my conscience wont be troubling me if she dies. I might still be grieving but ill sleep at night

For your own mental well being...

Close the door on these twisted fuckers ..

and do not look back

But for some reason I keep hoping that they'll have an epiphany.

People from loving, fair families grow up secure and can carry love for their parents but leave parental need behind.

People from unloving, traumatic and insecure backgrounds don't grow up with the solid sense of love and worth at the core. So subsequent layers of independence, effectiveness and affection from partners ... they've all grown over an essential longing for unconditional love. It doesn't usually go away.

So the grown person still goes back to their parents even when, like a loving puppy who keeps getting kicked, they get nothing but hostility and damage.

I hope that you find someone to love you from the heart and can move away from parents who keep dumping their own hate, emptiness and self loathing on their own child.