Last night i self harmed and i feel ashamed and could do with a bit of advise

[cantbelieveididthis]

I have changed my name because i feel quite ashamed.
dh and i have been married for almost 20 years.
it has not been a happy marriage for me but not terrible either.
We have 3 lovely children.
We married young and are very differrent people now.
I have told him a million times that i am not happy but he will never hear me.
We have never been out together as a couple but i do have some lovely friends and see them regularly.
I have asked him to leave but he has and always will refuse.
I cannot leave as i could not support us and it would tear the children apart.
The thing is he puts me down all the time in front of our children.
Everyone thinks he is so placid and nice and perfect - but they dont see how he speaks to me when they cant hear.
He tells the children i am a mad woman a whore a stupid cow a bitch - he doesnt nec. say it TO them but when i can see i have aggrivated him i always walk away - i go upstairs so the children dont hear an argument.They have never heard me raise my voice.I always remain calm and walk away. He will then continue to bang things and call me every name under the sun so the children hear it all. Last night was horrible - i could hear him downstairs saying they would all be better off if i walked under a bus-i was patheteic ect ect.The thing is i am a professional working mother and i think a good mother.No one would ever ever believe this is how he speaks to me at home . When i got married my mother told me marriage was forever and never to come home so i cant speak or go to her. In the past i have scratched myself a little, but last night i got a razor and ran it deeply all over my abdomen.It is trully awful - i have bathed it this morning but i cant believe what a mess i have made . I can only describe what i felt as sheer anger and sadness that i could do nothing about - when i did this i didnt feel it but all the pent up emotion went away immediately.
I still cant bellieve i did this .
Please dont tell me to take deep breaths next time - i do usually manage to just breathe it away until he stops saying whatever he can knowing that i can hear him.Is there some other way of coping with terrible anger and sadness ?

"I cannot leave as i could not support us and it would tear the children apart."

You'd be surprised how many of us do manage, I've got 3 children too and although it's not easy on my own it's so much better than the situation I was in. There's a fair bit of help and support out there and if your income is very low you might be able to claim working tax credit.

I'm not saying you should leave, just that you could, it is possible.

Sweetheart, you are trying to justify what he does ...... the fact that other people have experienced far worse means nothing (you can always find someone worse off than you). For example, if Mrs A gets shouted at weekly, but you "only" get it monthly, it doesn't mean the shouted abuse is acceptable either way and you shouldn't somehow feel you must be "grateful" that he isn't as foul as some other men. He is fould enough.

Being good with children is all encompassing. His relationship with the children is a whole thing ..... it's not made up of lots of little traits in their own individual boxes which exist in isolation from one another. He might be brilliant at playing games with them but you can bet that they feel terrified when he's violently ranting at you on a regular basis and in a particularly disparaging and belittling manner. I'd hazard a guess that despite appearances they probably feel scared of him overall, though this might not always be apparent. The fact he is so abusive to you and that he takes no care to conceal it from the children shows that he is NOT a good father. Sorry.

16 years of this is ridiculous and I am amazed that you've not seriously self harmed before and/or had a nervous breakdown. I don't know how old your children are but it sounds as though they have been exposed to this all their lives. That really isn't good at all.

I'm not having a go at you, I am only being this frank because I am worried about you. In all honesty, I'm sure there are very few children who haven't at one time or another heard their parents row because we are all human, and can all make bad judgements .... but kids are resiliant and can cope with the odd abberation like that providing BOTH parents apologise to them and explain that they were wrong to lose their temper, shout, name-call etc. But I bet he has never done that has he ?

cantbelieve, 16 years is a very long time. That's a huge chunk out of your life and as far as we know, you only get this one life. I think you have to accept that having been in this situation for such a long time now it is, it really is, difficult to leave your dh or somehow stay within this set-up and change him. There are no easy answers but you do have to change it and even if it's step by step getting to a better place in life, every step you make gets you somewhere.

I would like to see you and your dc out of there. However I realise it may not be realistic for you at the moment without real help. You need people in place to help you. I would consider calling the Samaritans first and talking it all through.
http://www.samaritans.org//

How old are your dc?

Calling their mother a whore is an abuse of the children even if he is a good parent in other ways. You are being emotionally abused and so are they. That lack of control and anger that he has is very worrying. You need help now.

Like others have said, you can manage on your own, women stay with abusive partners for years and years because they think they can't cope but when they do, they discover they are strong and they can cope, and so can you. My mother left my father after dreadful violence and we coped. I think we went through a halfway house or something and then she brought us up on her own and I am proud of her.

I think people here will have good advice about the next steps to take. I wish you the very very best.

"i know people have experienced far far worse."

that's irrelevant! What you feel is entirely vaild! You deserve to have your feelings listened to and acknowledged. You deserve better!

You've had loads of good advice and by taking the first step to post here you have started on the long road to recovery. Whether you leave or whether you and dh get counselling together so that he realises the error of his ways or whatever in between, you have started to sort this out.

As someone else pointed out, you must do something as otherwise you are condoning his behaviour and your children will repeat it. Do you really want that for them?

HUGS!!!

Could he have an alcohol problem?
How are you feeling today?

Yes, how are you today? We're thinking of you....

You need councelling.

Your dh needs councelling, but doubt he would accept he has a problem?

Your children need you to stand up to him, to be a role model for them.

He has NO RIGHT to speak about you like that. It is emotional abuse.

And if this is not a really personal question, don't answer if its too much detail for you. Why and when did you first cut?

Also, how was your relationship with your dad? What was his relationship like with your mother?

Really hope your healing (physically).

allyxxxx