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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Last night i self harmed and i feel ashamed and could do with a bit of advise

33 replies

cantbelieveididthis · 03/12/2007 10:26

I have changed my name because i feel quite ashamed.
dh and i have been married for almost 20 years.
it has not been a happy marriage for me but not terrible either.
We have 3 lovely children.
We married young and are very differrent people now.
I have told him a million times that i am not happy but he will never hear me.
We have never been out together as a couple but i do have some lovely friends and see them regularly.
I have asked him to leave but he has and always will refuse.
I cannot leave as i could not support us and it would tear the children apart.
The thing is he puts me down all the time in front of our children.
Everyone thinks he is so placid and nice and perfect - but they dont see how he speaks to me when they cant hear.
He tells the children i am a mad woman a whore a stupid cow a bitch - he doesnt nec. say it TO them but when i can see i have aggrivated him i always walk away - i go upstairs so the children dont hear an argument.They have never heard me raise my voice.I always remain calm and walk away. He will then continue to bang things and call me every name under the sun so the children hear it all. Last night was horrible - i could hear him downstairs saying they would all be better off if i walked under a bus-i was patheteic ect ect.The thing is i am a professional working mother and i think a good mother.No one would ever ever believe this is how he speaks to me at home . When i got married my mother told me marriage was forever and never to come home so i cant speak or go to her. In the past i have scratched myself a little, but last night i got a razor and ran it deeply all over my abdomen.It is trully awful - i have bathed it this morning but i cant believe what a mess i have made . I can only describe what i felt as sheer anger and sadness that i could do nothing about - when i did this i didnt feel it but all the pent up emotion went away immediately.
I still cant bellieve i did this .
Please dont tell me to take deep breaths next time - i do usually manage to just breathe it away until he stops saying whatever he can knowing that i can hear him.Is there some other way of coping with terrible anger and sadness ?

OP posts:
AnAngelWithin · 03/12/2007 10:28

please please please go to your doctor. are you sure you can't talk to your mother. I am sure she only said what she did as you were young when you got married and she was trying to make you think about getting married if that makes sense. my mum said the same to me but we can talk now.

ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight · 03/12/2007 10:29

Oh God you poor thing. He sounds like a total bastard tbh.

How old are your children?

You do know that you are teaching them that his behaviour is acceptable by the fact that you accept it?

Have you anyone you could talk to in RL?

TwotzThenightbeforechristmas · 03/12/2007 10:29

You can't stay in this situation.
Well done for posting it has taken you a lot of strength to write that. I am so sorry for you.

AnAngelWithin · 03/12/2007 10:29

does your husband know what you have done?

harleyd · 03/12/2007 10:31

you cant stay in this relationship
please talk to somebody
be strong for you and your kids

TwotzThenightbeforechristmas · 03/12/2007 10:34

You must speak to your mother or someone else close to you. And it's over 20 years ago she said that to you, times change.

I am sure you would want to know if your children were experiencing this? Please speak to someone and get in touch with your GP.

cantbelieveididthis · 03/12/2007 10:35

My husband doesn`t know no but he did see i had scratched myself on purpose once a few years ago - i cant remember what he said exactly but he just mumbled something not very nice.
I cant really see my gp this is too personal and i work with him.

OP posts:
AnAngelWithin · 03/12/2007 10:36

see a different gp. please you need to see someone

SSSandy2 · 03/12/2007 10:36

You have nothing to be ashamed of but this is a clear warning to you that the horrible things he is saying are affecting you very strongly.

I hope you and your dc can get out of this situation very soon. I would consider taping him too.

JodieG1 · 03/12/2007 10:38

I used to self harm and have horrible scars now. I tried to cut my wrists once too. I needed help and saw my gp who gave me anti d's for a short while, they really helped.

I did self harm again years later but I haven't for a few years now. I do still get an urge to at times but I don't do it. I think you could benefit from seeing your gp.

cantbelieveididthis · 03/12/2007 10:39

I think if i did tape him it might make him think actually.Thanks.

OP posts:
Blu · 03/12/2007 10:40

I wouldn't dream of telling you to breathe...I don't think it is your responsibility to have to find ways to put up with this...it isn't your fault, and you are worth far far more than this.

Can you go to your GP and arrange a course of counselling? You need a bit of help to re-discover your self-esteem and find a way to look after yourself.

Please - will you do that? I think everyone on MN would want to be able to look after you - and I'm sure that many with experience of self-harm will be able to support you, but in the end, MN-ers can support you to look after yourself. Get some professional help and support. Personally, if you are not certain that your Mum would be on yourside, I would seek professional counselling first - if soneone close clets you down, that is the last thing you need.

Big big hugs.

You are beautiful, with or without your cut marks.

SSSandy2 · 03/12/2007 10:41

I would tape him without him knowing it in case I needed some kind of proof later on IYSWIM. If he is very loud you will be able to do this from upstairs.

How long has this been going on?

Blu · 03/12/2007 10:41

Sorry - x-posted with the fact that you work with your GP.

Does anyone know how to seek help without going through your own GP?

TwotzThenightbeforechristmas · 03/12/2007 10:43

Not sure if this is thr right route, so others may have better advice. But for your own health...

Can you get in touch with your Primary Care Trust (PCT) to ask for advice and see another GP? (google local area)

OR you local PALS

The PALS team at your PCT give information, advice and help to local residents about the NHS services the PCT provides, e.g. GPs (family doctors), dentists, pharmacists, opticians, district nursing, chiropody, and many others.

For example, a local resident may contact PALS if they:

Would just like to speak to someone about their concerns but are not sure who to speak to.
Need some information but do not know where to get it.

PALS can help patients and their families deal with particular concerns by liaising with medical staff, managers and others to resolve problems and provide prompt solutions.

Nemostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 03/12/2007 10:44

as a sh I can completely understand. The sh is a way to feel the pain going on inside while distracting from the crap which is why we tend not to actually feel it. Please dont be ashamed as its nothign to be ashamed off.

In terms of your relationship it is abusive and is not going to do you or your children any good. Your dh sounds horrid and am sure if you mother is worth her salt then she would help you. Talk to people around you, your friends, family,on here etc and maybe even look into counselling services to take the next step in helping you in whichever direction you intend to go.

Dior · 03/12/2007 10:44

Message withdrawn

catsmother · 03/12/2007 10:44

I am so so sorry - you must be feeling so much internal pain to do what you did. After the way you're being treated though it's hardly surprising you self harmed, all that pent up anger & sadness has to come out in some way.

"Coping" with it though ...... you know the answer really don't you ? Unless your H was prepared to undergo counselling with you and admit that HE has a problem, the only way of dealing with this is to take him out of the equation - either by you leaving or by getting him to leave (the preferable option).

You say the children will be torn apart but if they already hear how their father verbally attacks their mother they are almost certainly already feeling very torn. They could grow up thinking that that is how women are supposed to be treated - like scum - and if they are boys, perpetuate that behaviour themselves, and if girls, end up choosing, and accepting the same sort of partner & treatment. Do you really want that for them ?

No-one will say take deep breaths next time. This isn't about judging you for self harming and telling you how to resist a razor blade, it's about you taking steps to ensure you never feel the need to do it again. While you remain with this man then it's very likely you will want, for a short while, to obliterate your inner pain through the distraction of self harming. When you are feeling that pain, you don't feel the emotional pain, but, quite obviously, self harming is only ever a near-momentary solution. The long term solution is to get away from him. He's disgusting, a disgrace ..... and what he's doing, isn't just about you, but is also mental abuse of his children by behaving in such a way in front of them.

You sound like a great mum and don't let him have you doubt that for a second. It's understandable to think you can't support the family on your own but you can and you will ...... 100s of 1000s of other women do. Admittedly, your life may change, but the loss of material things will be more than compensated for by the peace of mind and self confidence you and the children acquire instead.

Please, please look into getting away from this. Imagining him berating you in such a foul way is so upsetting ..... god knows how you must feel to be living it. What he's doing is abuse and I'd suggest you call Women's Aid: 08082000247 who can offer you all the support & advice you need to make that break. Yes, doing that is scary and may seem impossible, but it's not, and it must be better than enduring this for goodness knows how many more years. You will feel so much happier once you start to take back some of the control he has over you.

vacua · 03/12/2007 10:44

you'd have to see a different GP I think, I don't know of any other way to access the kind of support needed except perhaps by presenting at A&E in real distress/feeling suicidal? and getting a psychiatric consultation as an emergency?

cantbelieveididthis · 03/12/2007 10:45

Its been going on probably 16 or more years i think.Hes not like it all the time though and he is good with the children apart from this.Im not trying to justify what he does but i know people have experienced far far worse.
I just wish he wouldn`t put me down in front of the children.
Sometimes he comes and apologises but i think he does this to make himself feel better i really do.

OP posts:
Dior · 03/12/2007 10:47

Message withdrawn

Notquitegrownup · 03/12/2007 10:49

So for 20 years you have been bottling up your feelings of hurt and anger and sadness, and 'remaining calm'? No wonder your feelings had to find a way out! You must be boiling up inside with unexpressed emotions.

When your Mum told you that marriage is for ever, it seems she also gave you the impression that marriage is a place where you will have no say in your life, where you are not allowed to stand up and to be a person in your own right, and where it is not possible for you to express anger?

It sounds as if you turned a corner last night. You have allowed yourself to admit that your feelings matter. And you have been incredibly brave posting on here today.

For your sake, and for your children's, you can build on this. Please do contact Relate and ask for an appointment. They won't laugh at you or force you to do anything you don't want to. Someone there will listen to how you are feeling and to what is going on inside you.

You don't have to go as a couple to Relate, you can go alone. They will not force you to take any actions you don't want to, but will allow you to give a voice to Your feelings - a voice that means that you won't have to hurt yourself again to show how you feel. And if you want to ask your dh again to leave, they will help you work out how to do that.

It would be a wonderful lesson for your children, to see their mum able to put calmly into words how she is feeling, to be able to explain to someone else that she does not want to do something, because she doesn't and that bullying will make her change her feelings.

cantbelieveididthis · 03/12/2007 10:50

Gosh i really didn`t expect such a huge response.
Please dont think i dont truly appreciate it . It has made me think about this from an entirely differrent perspective - if i was on the otherside i would be saying what you are all saying but i do detach myself i think and sort of play out my life .
I have to take my car for a service now but will come back later.x

OP posts:
Notquitegrownup · 03/12/2007 10:51

(Apologies if my post seemed to ignore all of the earlier ones. I have been typing for ages, so I wasn't ignoring their advice to you.)

cantbelieveididthis · 03/12/2007 10:52

Notquite-thats a lovely and very helpful post - thank you

OP posts:
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