Broke with my ex made a mistake advise needed

[Moo008]

Hey all, so I (M39) broke with my ex (F31) of 1 year 3 months ago now, didn’t think I was 100% happy and my head wasn’t in a good place with some things like lockdown and work and anxiety. Realised I made a massive mistake and messaged her 4 weeks ago now saying how I felt etc. She was so angry at first and didn’t want to hear anything and told me multiple times leave her alone. Well a few days later she messaged me asking if I meant what I said etc and other questions like what if your head wasn’t in a good place again, I was surprised about this but anyway she seemed less angry and been speaking to me a bit. I poured my heart out to her so it’s come as a shock as she got it into her head over the 2 months that nothing would ever happen between us again. So last week she said I think I talk is needed but right now I need time alone as I’m not in the right headspace atm, she’s been listening to me but needs space and will come to me when she’s ready. I really don’t know how to take this, like if it’s positive or not? I’m giving her the space she needs and not contacting her till she contacts me, but waiting her for to contact me is horrible and my anxiety is so bad at the moment I can’t eat, wondering how she’s feeling or what she’s thinking. Just wanted some advise from women on situation and what she’s likely to be thinking. Thanks

[quote IM0GEN]@Moo008 after you split up with her, did you date other women ?[/quote]
No, the first month or so I was focused on interviews and getting my new job. I had no interest in dating. Then I reached out to her after 2 months. I have/had no interest in meeting or dating anyone else. Especially now I want to sort things out

@leavesthataregreen I think that’s a great way to look at it. We all know people that have struggled since the pandemic hit (although keep in mind I am accused of being a romantic) @Moo008 give her space, work on yourself like so many pp’s have said. Either way, it’ll work out ok. And this is from someone who’s husband left and has played games for 6 years. If there’s a way, she’ll come back.

OP you didn't say about your relationship history - have you ever been married/engaged, how long has your longest relationship been in the past?

My ex did this. I broke up with him after 9 years of not being able to commit and just punishing me for not being happy. The minute I ended it he wanted to give it another go, “was about to propose”, etc etc. Too little, too late. Let her go.

Sounds like she has moved on mentally and is trying to let you down gently.

@Newmum29

My ex did this. I broke up with him after 9 years of not being able to commit and just punishing me for not being happy. The minute I ended it he wanted to give it another go, “was about to propose”, etc etc. Too little, too late. Let her go.

That’s understandable after 9 years of it

@Marmelace

Sounds like she has moved on mentally and is trying to let you down gently.

I know her she would have just said to leave her alone it’s done. She would have said she wants to meet multiple times

@Sakurami

OP you didn't say about your relationship history - have you ever been married/engaged, how long has your longest relationship been in the past?

No neither. Longest relationship was about a year and a half

[quote NotRightNowPlease]**@leavesthataregreen* I think that’s a great way to look at it. We all know people that have struggled since the pandemic hit (although keep in mind I am accused of being a romantic) @Moo008* give her space, work on yourself like so many pp’s have said. Either way, it’ll work out ok. And this is from someone who’s husband left and has played games for 6 years. If there’s a way, she’ll come back.[/quote]
Thank you. Yeah just giving her the space she needs. I think it will be at least 5-6 weeks before she contacts me

The problem for her is that if she still cares about you or can see that the two of you could be good together, she is taking a terrible risk by considering a re-match. It’s almost as if she can only afford to do this if she stops caring about you, because if you duck out again she will go through the same hurt again.

Have you 100% worked on yourself and the issues you were having? Been 100% honest with yourself?

Do you want her back to help you feel better, or do you want her back because you ARE better? Important difference.

Did you at any stage blame her for the way you were feeling or incompatibility?

Have you sought counselling or find some self-help work on why you were feeling so bad you ditched an otherwise good relationship? What has fundamentally shifted in the way you are?

There can be a future if she thinks there could be, but more depends on how you work on yourself than expect her to work on herself.

Could you write a clear factual account of what your thinking and feeling is, and what you have done to heal / change yourself, and offer it not as a plea but an explanation? No strings at all but the explanation she is owed for the break up?

@Moo008, when you said your head was a mess, what do you mean?

If you have never settled with anyone then it's likely it is your attachment style. Are you aware of this? It generally isn't healed quickly but you deserve real credit for trying to look inward.

I guess your Ex is feeling very cautious and that's sensible of her. You need time to heal and only then will you be a committed partner. Being in a relationship can trigger anxious attachments so make the issues worse and in the end you end up hurting your partner.

It's natural to feel loss and grief after losing a relationship but getting back together may not be the fix. Explore why you broke up with her - was it due to your mental health or were their issues in the relationship that you were not highlighting? Be honest with yourself as it will save heartache for you both.

Make sure getting back with her is for the right reasons, not just because you don't want to feel your negative feelings. Many people use the "buzz" and drama of a relationship to mask their own feelings but it is always temporary and your negative low emotions rise to the top again.

It's why those with unstable attachments break up but also seek to continually be in a relationship.

Focus on your wellbeing, eating, sleeping and getting exercise. Distract yourself with a new hobby or pick up with family and friends and then you'll be in a better place irrespective of her decision.

@Moo008

like I don’t know if someone can lose feelings in 2-3 months? I know she was angry when I contacted her which is understandable

It's not about feelings, it's about respect, you get that, right? She might have feelings for you, but she feels you treated her without respect - hassling her to give you clarity now is also a lack of respect. You need to show her that you respect her through your actions, to have any chance. And to also respect her decision to walk away if she wants to.

[quote Fireflygal]@Moo008, when you said your head was a mess, what do you mean?

If you have never settled with anyone then it's likely it is your attachment style. Are you aware of this? It generally isn't healed quickly but you deserve real credit for trying to look inward.

I guess your Ex is feeling very cautious and that's sensible of her. You need time to heal and only then will you be a committed partner. Being in a relationship can trigger anxious attachments so make the issues worse and in the end you end up hurting your partner.

It's natural to feel loss and grief after losing a relationship but getting back together may not be the fix. Explore why you broke up with her - was it due to your mental health or were their issues in the relationship that you were not highlighting? Be honest with yourself as it will save heartache for you both.

Make sure getting back with her is for the right reasons, not just because you don't want to feel your negative feelings. Many people use the "buzz" and drama of a relationship to mask their own feelings but it is always temporary and your negative low emotions rise to the top again.

It's why those with unstable attachments break up but also seek to continually be in a relationship.

Focus on your wellbeing, eating, sleeping and getting exercise. Distract yourself with a new hobby or pick up with family and friends and then you'll be in a better place irrespective of her decision.[/quote]
Someone mentioned attachment typed to me the other day so I’ve only just come across that. After reading about it I do have some traits of an avoidant. But if she’s willing to talk I’ll say I’m willing to get help. I guess I’ve always been scared to settle down or commit properly for some reason. But I honestly feel different now losing someone I care about. It’s not about feeling lonely as Beene n my own lots in the past and don’t feel I need to be with someone. I did feel depressed during lockdown and being to skint I go on holidays etc so I’ve sorted that issue and gotten a new job so money isn’t an issue. I’ve been working on my anxiety and learning to express my feelings by taking to people about the situation and how I really feel about her. Normally I don’t talk much about my feelings not did I in the relationship, I’d always avoid it!
There we’re not issues in the relationship, looking back it was really good, we hardly argued, we never got bored of fed up with each other even after a year. So it was nothing on her part it was all on mine

@Polkadots2021yeah sure I want to earn her trust and respect her need for space right now

But if she’s willing to talk I’ll say I’m willing to get help. I guess I’ve always been scared to settle down or commit properly for some reason

You can't make this conditional. You need to own this and heal BEFORE resuming a relationship. Avoidant/anxious people get triggered when in a relationship so unless you get help it WILL happen again.

If you don't know why you can't settle then that's not fair on her. You have to fix this and then you'll be ready for a relationship. If you love her then you'll not risk hurting her again. She can't fix you.

Use the time she’s taking to get therapy, dive into the root cause of all this. Plus you’ll hopefully be able to articulate the work you’ve done.

Now the the less good part, I’m sorta seeing a red flag here in that you are fixated on what you want her to give you in terms of love/reciprocity. That she’s not giving you that is sending you into a tailspin. This leads me to worry that this is all about you getting your needs met, which you may have missed after the breakup. Wether it be loneliness, lack of validation or w/e.

If you truly love her the overwhelming drive would be is she ok? She’s been through a lot with you. Heartbreak is not an easy thing to go through. Atm the only thing you can do to meet her needs is to give her space, and wind the expectations WAY back.

I had a friend in similar situation to your ex .... Her long term boyfriend broke up with her and after a few months wanted her back. In that time she had picked herself up, gone out on a few dates and was starting a relationship with a nice new man. The ex pursued her and she went back to him. Fast forward about 10/15 years he left her for a younger woman.

I know what advice I would be giving your ex girlfriend. If you were able to hurt her 12 weeks ago you will hurt her again. And was it really a mistake or do you want something you can't have. I predict you will want her more the longer she doesn't contact you. Examine your feelings- do you really want to restart the relationship cos I suspect you don't. Not really.

Honestly she would be daft to take you back if you’re going to dump her every time you’re (not in a great place.)
I highly doubt you have worked long and hard with professional help in a few weeks to make sure you never act like this again.

I’ll just leave this here:

You say you know her, yet here you are asking for advice on her actions. Ever thought you didn't know her that well? Maybe she's realised the sort of man who would dump because his head is a mess, is not the sort of man she needs or wants, maybe you give her the ick.

Providing you did it decently there was nothing wrong in breaking up; it's rightly said on here that folk can do this for any reason they choose (except apparently when it's men, who get routinely flamed)
Nothing wrong either with having second thoughts, but how to take that forward is up to her, as you seem to be recognising

Impossible to say if her response so far is "positive" without knowing her. It could be sincere - or she might be doing a revenge thing of playing with you - or maybe she's brewing a new relationship and wants to keep you as a "spare" just in case

Time will tell, and as PPs have said, all you can do for now is give her the space she's requested

So what were the actual reasons for ending the relationship. You must know deep down what they were. Very rarely do people end a relationship without a good reason or for various lack of feelings. This is where you need to be honest.
Be careful you are not going into panic mode and wanting her back because it has dawned on you that you can't have her.
I was in a relationship where it just wasn't right. I had a gut feeling and no matter how I tried that feeling just wouldn't go. Then after we broke up my mind started playing tricks on me and i wanted that person back. This is unfair on the other person.
So you have to really think about this carefully.
Is it just going to be a case of this happening again