Broke with my ex made a mistake advise needed

[Moo008]

Hey all, so I (M39) broke with my ex (F31) of 1 year 3 months ago now, didn’t think I was 100% happy and my head wasn’t in a good place with some things like lockdown and work and anxiety. Realised I made a massive mistake and messaged her 4 weeks ago now saying how I felt etc. She was so angry at first and didn’t want to hear anything and told me multiple times leave her alone. Well a few days later she messaged me asking if I meant what I said etc and other questions like what if your head wasn’t in a good place again, I was surprised about this but anyway she seemed less angry and been speaking to me a bit. I poured my heart out to her so it’s come as a shock as she got it into her head over the 2 months that nothing would ever happen between us again. So last week she said I think I talk is needed but right now I need time alone as I’m not in the right headspace atm, she’s been listening to me but needs space and will come to me when she’s ready. I really don’t know how to take this, like if it’s positive or not? I’m giving her the space she needs and not contacting her till she contacts me, but waiting her for to contact me is horrible and my anxiety is so bad at the moment I can’t eat, wondering how she’s feeling or what she’s thinking. Just wanted some advise from women on situation and what she’s likely to be thinking. Thanks

@TractorAndHeadphones

You’ll get slaughtered on here for being a man. You’re better off on n Reddit’s AskWomen.

What’s shes thinking depends on how much she likes you and what she feels. My advice - go about as though you won’t get her back. It’s entirely her choice

You’ll get slaughtered on here for being a man

Yeah I get that now lol I just wanted a women’s view on what they might be thinking

That’s cool thank you.

It’s not a positive or a negative sign. Feelings don’t just go away but her feelings towards you include a significant amount of anger, disappointment, rejection and the insecurity that you will run when things get hard. Obviously there will be good feelings too but she needs time to evaluate whether the good will balance out the bad. However whatever you’re hoping for - the relationship can never go back to what it was. If you get back together she will be more cautious of letting you close and that will also take time.

Hope for the best plan for the worst. You won’t know what she’s thinking until and unless she decides to tell
You. You broke her heart and then caused more aggro when you told her you made a mistake - whilst she was trying to deal with not having you in her life anymore.
She asked for space, give her space. It’s the ONLY thing you can do. You will just have to wait.

@Sittingonabench

It’s not a positive or a negative sign. Feelings don’t just go away but her feelings towards you include a significant amount of anger, disappointment, rejection and the insecurity that you will run when things get hard. Obviously there will be good feelings too but she needs time to evaluate whether the good will balance out the bad. However whatever you’re hoping for - the relationship can never go back to what it was. If you get back together she will be more cautious of letting you close and that will also take time.

Yes that’s true thank you. I understand I have a lot of work to do to gain her trust back and that it will take time

When you say you "broke up" with her, do you mean you ghosted her?

Did you sit down and honestly and kindly let her know in person that the relationship was over, or did you just delete her number and let her work it out for herself?

@JovialNickname

When you say you "broke up" with her, do you mean you ghosted her?

Did you sit down and honestly and kindly let her know in person that the relationship was over, or did you just delete her number and let her work it out for herself?

It was in person I was honest with her and told her what i felt.

She was so angry at first and didn’t want to hear anything and told me multiple times leave her alone

Whats wrong with you? Multiple times? Get some boundaries.

No one here can say what she is thinking. Women are not a hive mind.

I can tell you what she should be thinking, but I don't think you will like it.

She should be thinking that you dumped her, let her start moving past the shock and start getting used to the new normal. Then inserted yourself. To a point she had to tell you multiple times, to leave her alone. She should think that you pouring your heart out, is just words. Just reasons you chose to hurt her, then disappear, then try and come back.

Honestly, you shouldn't have poured your heart out to her. It's not fair to put all that on her 'I know I hurt but it's because...' so she will have to deal with her owns feelings and then being trying to work through your feelings and words and trying to decide what it means.

Meditating and talking to just 'people' won't solve your problems. Your 'head space' was so bad you hurt someone you loved and some who loved you. There is a very good chance this will happen again. If it was that easy, 8 weeks meditating and chatting to your friends, you could have done that instead of dumping her.

No one here can say what she is thinking. Women are not a hive mind.

This ^^

But it would be a next to zero chance I would get back with someone that dumped me. You broke her heart. She was getting over it. It's all about your feelz
I'd be thinking you want what you can't have and have real issues. There's an unkindness about how you're behaving. All I would be interested in was if anything you said helped me get closure. And that id rather date a more together partner. Life is far too short to get into roller coaster relationships. It's too much angst.

@Tiana4

No one here can say what she is thinking. Women are not a hive mind.

This ^^

But it would be a next to zero chance I would get back with someone that dumped me. You broke her heart. She was getting over it. It's all about your feelz
I'd be thinking you want what you can't have and have real issues. There's an unkindness about how you're behaving. All I would be interested in was if anything you said helped me get closure. And that id rather date a more together partner. Life is far too short to get into roller coaster relationships. It's too much angst.

Not sure I fully agree. Lots of relationships break and end up back together for the better. It happened to one of her mates. Life also too short to give up on someone you love

I think its a positive sign that she did respond to you and has said she needs time to think. She easily could have ignored you or told you to fuck off.

I'd say that would mean that she really is considering it and thinking about whether it would be worth trying again after the head fuckery.

As hard as it is, you're just going to have to wait and hope for the best.
If you continue working on bettering yourself, then even if she decides not to, you'll have still made positive progress within yourself.

I hope it works out for you

You're 39. Have you been married/engaged/in a long term relationship before?

One year in should still be the honeymoon period but you broke up with her. Now you regret it after 3 months. I would be very wary if I were her and probably wouldn't give you a second chance.

I'm.also worried that she's 31 and if you have issues or are avoidant then in a few years time, when she's ready to start a family or get serious, you'll get anxious again and dump her. Leaving her in a harder place to find a mate to settle down with.

Not sure I fully agree. Lots of relationships break and end up back together for the better. It happened to one of her mates. Life also too short to give up on someone you love

But you did give up on someone you love OP. When you broke up with her for 12 weeks. You didn't try to work it through together, like partners do. You walked away.

And maybe she fell out of love with you, because of it. She might still have some feelings but you aren't the same man to her that she was dating originally with all the hope and trust that came naturally. You threw all that away.

"Lots of people" don't break up and get back together. Some people do. It's not that common, to then have a relationship last. It's very difficult to get over.

Just because a friend of hers got back together with an ex, it does not follow that she has to give you a second chance.

You are a different person to her now. One that hurt her deeply.

You'd be very lucky if she took you back, I think many people wouldn't. Shaky foundations don't make good relationships and it sounds like you still have issues going on.

You have told her you regret it and still have feelings for her. So anything after that is entirely at her pace and up to your ex girlfriend.

If that makes you anxious & not be able to sleep whilst you wait to see what she thinks, then it is from your own doing and something you will have to get over and not put pressure on her for. The same way she had to live with your decision and get over her upset at the end of your relationship.

You sound very young, yet you are 39. Usually one of the benefits of dating a person 8 years older is that they have a little more wisdom and stability. I'm not sure this applies here.

At 31 like your ex, I wouldn't be wasting my time with someone who is nearly 40 and was still an emotional mess who couldn't communicate nor pull together when it was needed.

So, if your ex decides to still talk to you, then that's a bit of a positive sign. But it might not mean she's willing to date you again.

You would be far healthier to build up your life and mental health with friends and activities. And if ex decides to give you a second final chance, then your life will be in a better place for no repeat.

Sometimes however people regret breaking up because they are lonely. So be honest with yourself snd make sure that's not the reason. Ex doesn't deserve that.

@Tiana4

So, if your ex decides to still talk to you, then that's a bit of a positive sign. But it might not mean she's willing to date you again.

You would be far healthier to build up your life and mental health with friends and activities. And if ex decides to give you a second final chance, then your life will be in a better place for no repeat.

Sometimes however people regret breaking up because they are lonely. So be honest with yourself snd make sure that's not the reason. Ex doesn't deserve that.

Yeah that’s fairenough. But it definitely isn’t because in lonely as I have no problem Being on my own and have been lots in the past, I’m not one that feels I need to be with someone

@Ibizan

Life also too short to give up on someone you love

And yet you did, or maybe you don’t really love her?

Or maybe this made made me realise that I really do

You shouldn't need to hurt someone to realise you love them.

That's not love.

And actually, living someone doesn't mean you should never give up on them. That can be a hugely damaging toxic way of thinking.

Sometimes, love isn't enough. And sometimes that love just ends up causing immense pain and problems. Walking away from someone you love, is exactly what you should do.

You say many couples get back together. And they do. But many of those break up again. Or get get back together and break up, going round and round in circles. Some get back together and are miserable.

Getting back together isn't all it takes. Your time reflecting should have shown you that.

Just because people get back together, it doesn't mean in some or the majority of cases it's the best thing for people involved.

Agree with pp, and to extend that a bit, breaking up and getting back together is a toxic pattern (push/pull).

Have you had relationships with that dynamic before? If so, I would recommend exploring that further.

Do your parents have this pattern OP? What did you learn about relationships from them?

You can self refer to mental health treatment with the NHS, might be a start.
You can do this for yourself, to understand yourself better going forward.
This will give you a better chance at forming stable relationships, regardless of who with.

I think the fact she hasn't just told you to do one means she isn't over you and is considering her options.

For me, I would be wondering if it was worth the risk and whether I could ever trust you again. She's probably wondering what would stop you from doing it again and putting her back at square one.

Well Moo008 it's good that it's not out of loneliness and that you can be on your own

But, and this is how I would see it & you did ask for views . When you said this...
Or maybe this made made me realise that I really do (love your ex)

... My instinctive reaction is that you don't have to break up with someone to realise you love them. Because you didn't love her enough not to break up with her. For 3 months!!!

I'm pretty sure that isn't the type or depth of love after a year together that any of us aspire to.

Because when the relationship is right and you deeply love someone, you pull through difficult times together as a partnership, a team.

You wouldn't be able to see your life being bearable without the person you are in love with... Yet you felt you could for at least 2+ months.

So that's why your ex is taking her time. She may find all of this angst romantic. Many of us wouldn't and would prefer a stable loving partner that respects and loves us as deeply and consistently as we love them.

Sometimes, love isn't enough. And sometimes that love just ends up causing immense pain and problems. Walking away from someone you love, is exactly what you should do.

You say many couples get back together. And they do. But many of those break up again. Or get get back together and break up, going round and round in circles. Some get back together and are miserable.

Which realistically I might not have known at 25 but did at 35. 39 is too old for this angst-ridden, platitude nonsense.

I think people are being a bit hard on the OP. It has been a very odd year for all of us. It can;t have been a typical first year to date someone - not much chance to go out and have fun. And all the pressures and limitations and stresses of lockdown have coincided with the relationship, both of which are new experiences for the OP.

It's important when we are unhappy to take a big, honest look at why and not take the lazy way out of blaming someone else or expecting a partner to be the foundation of our happiness. That has to come from inside us. But OP has realised it could have been a mistake and under the weird circumstances of lockdown, I'd forgive someone for confusing its stress and confinement with a relationship that coincided with it.

I hope, if you truly love each other she gives you a second chance and you have a lot of fun proving to her that you love her and want a brilliant, interesting life with her.

leavesthataregreen
That's a lovely positive spin on a weird year.

In some ways lockdowns sped up the pace of relationships where people spent more time in together than they would have done before.

I think PPs are trying to prewarn OP to get himself healthy and understand she may or may not want to renew relationship. And that's okay and he should try to deal with his anxiety separately as he said he is struggling to sleep because of worrying about what she will do.

@Moo008 after you split up with her, did you date other women ?