I want to cheat

[Loanne12]

Hear me out before you come to any conclusions.

Me and dp have a dc. Our dc is nearly one years old. In this whole time we have been out once together. I know that having a dc is time consuming however I just dont think this is acceptable. We are both very young and should still be , at least attempting, to have some form of a relationship together. Our sex life has dwindled since my pregnancy, initially on my behalf but now it's simply because I feel no romance there and cant go from "mummy mode" to " sexy girlfriend" based on nothing.

Recently though things have got worse. Dp is always tired. Fair enough so am I. But he is too tired to go out, or we are too broke. He is too tired to talk. When we do have a quite moment he is guilty of just sitting on his phone and doing nothing. In his words he needs "down time" and when it does come about he wants to do nothing. We dont even talk anymore.

Our routine goes as follows:
he wakes up for work
I wake up look after baby
He comes back by the evening
We tend to baby
Baby goes to bed by 7
We have dinner by 8ish
He is too exhausted to do anything else and wants to be in bed by 9/10 and is always asleep by ten.

I cant do it anymore. I have CONSTANTLY tried to communicate how disconnected I'm feeling from him emotionally. And he either falls asleep whilst I talk to him or doesnt want to hear me out because its always "late" when we finally have time to talk. I'm sick of it. He shuts me down and says this is what having a baby is. Yes it is to a degree but I think we could at least make an effort to go out once a week even if its just for a walk! We should have time to talk. Now all we talk about is the baby. It's got to the point where talking or any intimacy just feels awkward and like it's with a friend.

I feel so shrugged off and it hurts me that he has no good answer as to why we have only been out once together since dc was born given she is nearly ten months old.

We've been arguing about it alot as well. So whenever we do communicate it's pretty negative and depressing.

I'm not even mid twenties! What sort of life is this. I'm so unhappy and recently been realising this is why people start feeling neglected and pushed into cheating. Obviously I dont want to. That would be going against my own morals. But I'm desperate just to feel that connection with someone again. I dont see why, just because I have a baby someone that I must have a life sentence to a dp those does the bare minimum effort towards our relationship. I've been secretly thinking about speaking to an ex, and getting back with him. It's so wrong. What can I do though? Things dont seem to be getting better and all my life consists of is looking after a baby rinse and repeat. Me and dp had dc quite quickly together so there is still so much we didnt get to do together. Simple things like going to a museum ect...

Sounds like part of the problem is that you’re a bit bored as well. You need time to do other things, other than looking after the baby (and other than sex). Do you have any hobbies, are you socialising?

Sigh...

This is not about the sex ( or lack of). Not even close. I couldnt give a damn really since I've been pregnant I only mentioned it as it's a tiny part of a bigger picture. And without the intimate side of our relationship there if there is no emotional connection there isnt much left.

To the poster that said I have bigger problems being unemployed that isnt true. I already have the first year of my babies life planned out when I was pregnant and I knew I was going to work after dc was a year old. I have savings and have been adding to them in the meantime for a place. However mentally, and physically, I am not ready to go back to work yet. I still have alot of unsolved birth trauma that I need help with. But that is another story.

No I am not BORED. That has nothing to do with the absence of time or effort put into my relationship. I just feel lonely and disconnected. I spend most of my days surrounded by family and friends.

@Loanne12 sorry I'm a bit confused, are you wanting to try and save this relationship or look for a way out?

If you're unhappy and feel you want more I'd suggest ending the relationship - but keep in mind you will have a life long relationship with this man in a different capacity.

If you just want a better relationship with him have you tried counselling together?

A baby creates a huge shift in a relationship and we're not all experts! Long, healthy relationships take work and (although may seem obvious) he may not know how to get back there.

But if you really don't see a future with this man, save yourself the heartache and separate.

I think you need to leave.
I get that you love him, but what about him do you love? You seem pretty miserable to me.
Do you love him, or do you love who he used to be? Are you sure that you still feel the same way about him, or are you just hanging in there because of all the time and effort you’ve invested into this relationship?

He clearly does not realise (or if he does, he doesn’t care) how close you are to the end of your tether.
I would suggest sitting him down one last time and saying that if you two do not prioritise some time together, that you are going to leave. And maybe try couples counselling?

Was the child planned ?

The baby is 1, this is normal, it’s hard work and very tiring.

Did you really think you would both be having active social lives together when a baby was here? If so who was you planning on babysitting?

Maybe a weekend away so you can do things but also have time to relax.

Cheating is what scum bags do.

It must be so frustrating as it seems you’re the only partner invested in the relationship.

I know you love him, but he’s not showing love or respect for you. You deserve better than that.

As a last ditch attempt, you could (and I appreciate this idea may grate on you a little bit) arrange a baby sitter, use some of your own money and take him to the pub/park/whatever - out of the house, away from relatives and baby. Essentially physically show him what you want.

Then have a calm but frank discussion about your relationship and explain that unless he changes, you have to leave. No shouting, no drama. Just honestly. Being away from the home might mean he focuses more on the conversation and he cannot just fall asleep/zone out on his phone. I’m only suggesting this because you seem to really want to find a way to stay with your partner.

The problem is he might not change, this could be the reality moving forward. So by all means try one last time. But don’t waste your life on someone who isn’t in to you, who isn’t enthusiastic about you and doesn’t care about your happiness.

It's so frustrating when you are the one making all the effort, I have been there so I do get it.

What helped me massively was this realisation:

You can't make him behave the way you want him to. You can only control your reaction to his behaviour.

You have been very clear how you feel and he has chosen to do nothing about it.

You can't force him to be a better partner so your actual choices are: accept it and carry on being miserable OR leave him, move on and make a happy life for you and your DD.

Honestly you are flogging a dead horse trying to make him change. This is the version of him he is offering, do you want it or not?

Hi OP - you have my sympathies. A couple of things jumped out for me, so hope you won’t mind me asking more about them:

my relationship was hard before

So we’re you and your partner experiencing difficulties even before you had a baby? If so, as PPs have said, the baby had likely exaggerated these and brought them firmly into focus. In my experience even a watertight relationship can be brought to breaking point when a baby arrives, let alone a struggling one. Babies don’t bring couples “together” - quite the opposite. So what’s happening now might simply be bringing a doomed relationship more into focus. Dramatic relationships may be very romantic but unfortunately babies need stability.

If all was good before though, I wondered about your partner’s family, given you’re living with them. What’s your relationship with them like? Could you appeal to them for support? Surely they can provide free child care for just an hour whilst you and your partner get away, even if only to slump on a park bench somewhere, like you said?

Or maybe they could advocate for you?

It sounds like you will put up with this relationship until you have the means, courage or both to leave it.

You are going to live in the best years of your life as a compromise. Take control and live your life.

I don’t think it’s necessarily that you want to cheat, you just want the attention and affection and feel like you need to get this elsewhere as you ain’t getting it at home.

Don’t cheat. If you honestly feel like nothing is working between you both then possibly take a break and see if you want to be apart or work on your relationship.

I’m in a similar situation myself at the moment

Maybe you need to give him an ultimatum. Also, I'd recommend reading the book love languages, as it sounds like perhaps you have some communication issues withing your relationship that you and he aren't aware of.

The dynamics of how you are living (ie with family) probably don’t help. How do you get on with sharing the space if it’s not just you, DP and DC?

Does it make it easier for DP to not do much around the house and just slob around saying he feels tired?

It certainly doesn’t sound like a sustainable situation. I’m not generally a fan of ultimatums, but is this what you need here? To tell him that things have to change by x time or the relationship is over? That he has to step up, be a better partner and dad?

Presumably he isn’t happy either, would this stimulate some kind of action from him?

Some people are being harsh on your for some reason.

If I've understood this correctly...

You don't want to cheat, but that was a way of expressing your frustration at your DP's lack of interest in you. It isn't about sex per se, it's the fact he isn't interested in you at all. Doesn't want to chat, cuddle, have a night out, plan things as a couple. Doesn't really notice you're there. You've dug him out of some financial holes / don't rely on him financially. Even when out of work he says he's too tired to want to do stuff with you.

You are young. Even if you weren't, noone wants an existence where they aren't noticed by their OH, or where they just feel like part of the furniture or a household appliance.

I get it. And it isn't how life has to be once you have DC. I'm a good three decades older than you, and still have a fun, interesting life with my DH. We show appreciation for each other. We enjoy each others' company. It doesn't have to be boredom and drudgery.

If you have tried talking about this and he just won't respond positively then you have no option but to split I'm afraid.

yes I am, and whilst I am not nieve enough to think things wont change I have no plans to change anything. Life for me has been the best its been for some considerable time and i have also noticed that my OH is also much happier, probably because he can see i am that much happier.