I want to cheat

[Loanne12]

Hear me out before you come to any conclusions.

Me and dp have a dc. Our dc is nearly one years old. In this whole time we have been out once together. I know that having a dc is time consuming however I just dont think this is acceptable. We are both very young and should still be , at least attempting, to have some form of a relationship together. Our sex life has dwindled since my pregnancy, initially on my behalf but now it's simply because I feel no romance there and cant go from "mummy mode" to " sexy girlfriend" based on nothing.

Recently though things have got worse. Dp is always tired. Fair enough so am I. But he is too tired to go out, or we are too broke. He is too tired to talk. When we do have a quite moment he is guilty of just sitting on his phone and doing nothing. In his words he needs "down time" and when it does come about he wants to do nothing. We dont even talk anymore.

Our routine goes as follows:
he wakes up for work
I wake up look after baby
He comes back by the evening
We tend to baby
Baby goes to bed by 7
We have dinner by 8ish
He is too exhausted to do anything else and wants to be in bed by 9/10 and is always asleep by ten.

I cant do it anymore. I have CONSTANTLY tried to communicate how disconnected I'm feeling from him emotionally. And he either falls asleep whilst I talk to him or doesnt want to hear me out because its always "late" when we finally have time to talk. I'm sick of it. He shuts me down and says this is what having a baby is. Yes it is to a degree but I think we could at least make an effort to go out once a week even if its just for a walk! We should have time to talk. Now all we talk about is the baby. It's got to the point where talking or any intimacy just feels awkward and like it's with a friend.

I feel so shrugged off and it hurts me that he has no good answer as to why we have only been out once together since dc was born given she is nearly ten months old.

We've been arguing about it alot as well. So whenever we do communicate it's pretty negative and depressing.

I'm not even mid twenties! What sort of life is this. I'm so unhappy and recently been realising this is why people start feeling neglected and pushed into cheating. Obviously I dont want to. That would be going against my own morals. But I'm desperate just to feel that connection with someone again. I dont see why, just because I have a baby someone that I must have a life sentence to a dp those does the bare minimum effort towards our relationship. I've been secretly thinking about speaking to an ex, and getting back with him. It's so wrong. What can I do though? Things dont seem to be getting better and all my life consists of is looking after a baby rinse and repeat. Me and dp had dc quite quickly together so there is still so much we didnt get to do together. Simple things like going to a museum ect...

I feel for you ,but you are very young and sound like you have given up on this RL without trying a little more . Why cant you go to a Museum FGS? Normally free to enter and baby rooms etc? If you go back to your ex will he be so invested in another mans baby,if he is a similar age to you

Agree with pp, he sounds checked out. I work 25 hours, dh full time with a 2 and 3 year old but we still do things together as a family. I think expecting dates is a bit much if you don't have a baby sitter but he should be happy to do things on the weekend. It doesn't cost much to go for a picnic or to the beach etc. We haven't done anything alone together since the night before our 3 year olds induction but were still plodding on ok.

Don't cheat. Keep your self-respect and integrity.

I can see why you're tempted. It does sound like you don't know each other well. Can you move out and stay your own household?

Nobody is 'pushed' into cheating, however plenty of people are treated in such a way that they want to leave. Cheating is often just a convenient way for people with low self esteem to line someone else up before they leave so they don't have to be alone.

I don't know why you seem at such a loss as to what to do. You're obviously desperately unhappy, you've tried to change things and get nowhere, you can't see anything changing in the future so why don't you leave?

It does a sound dreary and uninspiring existence and I can see why you’re frustrated as there doesn’t seem to be any reason for you to believe that things will improve. It feels from your posts as though this inactivity and passivity are just part of his nature.

You say you hadn’t been together that long and the pregnancy was not planned. Do you think this is just his personality? Is he just a low-energy person who doesn’t have the same enthusiasm for things as you? You mention that you had never been to a museum together. If you had no money worries and no childcare constraints, do you believe that your ideas of a perfect evening together or a pleasant weekend at home together are the same? If you don’t share the same ideas of what you’d like life to be like, there probably isn’t much point going on and on with this.

Also, you have clearly been proactive in making suggestions about what could improve things but have you really spelt out to him that you are so dissatisfied that you are considering leaving him? Honestly, it sounds as though he hears what he wants to hear and takes as little action as he can possibly take. You have told him what you need, but have you told him what could happen if things go on as they are?

Could he be having an emotional affair?

Can I be really to the point hereyou're living with his family, are you worried about homelessness if you leave him? You're clearly not happy with him, he's clearly a useless and dead end partner, he's a financial liability, not a useful parent. You had an accidental pregnancy with someone who has no long term potentialthat's fine, it happens, but there's no need to let that drag down your life long term.

@rhowton

Could he be having an emotional affair?

I think if he was having an emotional affair he'd have a bit of a spring in his step and more interest in life. He's neither a candidate for an affair nor likely to be having one.

Your best course of action is to stay for a bit and disengage until you get your housing situation lined up, then dump him and coparent.

@Thingsdogetbetter

A relationship should never be one person doing all the work and having to carry it. He was an unemployed manchild, cocklodger who got himself into debt and lived off you before you had the dc, but you had the emotional and physical energy as well as financial ability to carry him. Now you have a baby and your emotional as well as physical energy is being spent on your baby, you are realising that he is weak, childish and not engaged in this relationship or in building a relationship with your child at all.

And basically he's sulking and punishing you as he is no longer your sole focus. He's making such a huge drama about being tired because he's sulking he's had to get a job. He's basically playing the martyr. He's not contributing to this relationship in any way, emotionally, physically or financially. He's not even pretending to be your friend or housemate, let alone your partner and father to a child.

Do not look back at how hard you worked for this relationship as a reason not to leave it. Thatcwas a mistake in the first place. That is sink-cost thinking.

Are you living with his relatives or yours. If the latter, kick him out. If the former get advice from.CAB or Shelter.

This relationship is already broken into tiny pieces and you can't fix that on your own. Its pointless to hope he'll realise how awful his attitude and behaviour is. He already knows I promise, he just doesn't give a shit. There are no words you can use to make him give a shit. Accept that and plan accordingly for you and your baby.

I was going to comment, but @Thingsdogetbetter has hit the nail on the head. Your desire/fantasy about cheating is just a symptom of a far deeper malaise. You're living with a selfish, immature man. You need to leave him or he'll probably end up cheating on you when he gets half a chance.

Why have you not been out?.... you need to go out on the weekend! Do something, even if you're tired. 2hr is enough. To the park.

Btw you can't cheat.... if you don't like the relationship, talk to your partner and if things really are not fixable then go your separate ways.....

Don't cheat, just end the relationship. Cheating is really not worth the hassle. You will hurt DH and yourselfand if other people find out you will be the villain. You have told him how you feel and he is not willing to change. Don't make the situation any worse by cheating. Make a clean break, focus on you and your child. Walk away with your held head high.

OP you aren't getting what you need from him so bloody leave why do people always make things so hard

I feel for you, I do. You’re very young. You’re living with your partner, in his families home, and he’s the ‘breadwinner’ ( I know you have your own money too, but not what’s relevant here) he has debt, he’s bored. He’s selfish. He’s not caring much about you or your child. Certainly not making any plans for the future if he’s still taking money OFF OF YOU to pay HIS debts.
I think you know the answer here. You need to lose about 12 Stone. Have you family or friends nearby Who can support you through this? Can you leave for a few days/week to clear your head and see how you feel about it then? In the words of Judge Judgy do you really want to hitch your wagon to this star?
Because forever is a long time. This one life is only once. No do overs. Make good choices now.

My advice is to leave. If you are talking and he is not listening then act now. Don't sleepwalk into living like this. Take it from someone who knows.

Well

He’s not making any effort in the relationship. You feel unloved and neglected so of course you wanna cheat. You want a romantic connection. You wanna feel like you again, not just mum and little miss domestic goddess. You have wants and needs and deserve to be desired and have your desires met.

You are in your early 20s! This is easy to see from the outside.

You’ve got some work to do here.

Leave your partner. You’ve tried, you’ve told him how you feel and he’s not prepared to give you what you want or need, so leave. You can meet someone else, you can have fun and you can both co parent on good terms.

If you cheat it doesn’t solve the issue. If you cheat then he finds out and holds it against you, tarnishes you and you will be the bad guy in his family and your child’s life.
If you leave it’s on him, not you. You gave him warnings.

Sort out a place for you and baby to live.
Go to college or sort out an income, so you are independent and have your own life and money.
Do it now and you will be sorted.
Life is too short for this shit.

For all the people saying why dont you just go out

That is the whole point of this thread! He wont! I would happily go out, anywhere! I'm not that high maintenance and I've made this clear to him. We could go to the beach, to a park, a cafe anywhere. As long as we are out together and he isnt just zoned out on his bloody phone.

I'm craving that interaction. @SarahBop he really isnt financially smart and that is why he got himself into this state of debt (before we met). I wouldn't suggested anything I couldnt afford. I have savings that I'd rather not touch but can do if it means for once we have the appropriate set up to spend time together. I'm just that desperate. However I have made it clear that money is really the issue and its beyond our (my) means then I'll happily go just down the road for a drink. Doesnt need to be anything extravagant

@Sandybeachtowel I couldnt of said it better myself! It's not just that our relationship is missing a giant part but as a result I am also missing a giant piece of me!

My life is just being a mum and house maid. But I am meant to be so much more than that. I'm meant to be a lover, partner and most importantly a woman! I dont feel like it at all. And it's making being a stahm feel ten times more life draining and mundane than it has to be. I'm so young to be feeling stripped of my sexuality and identity. I want that connection because I want to bloody feel alive again. I watch romantic movies and cry (sad I know) because I miss the warmth of holding someones hand, being happy in someones company, the butterflies you get when you kiss.

Get employed, find somewhere to live, dump the boyfriend. Anything other than that is just sabotaging yourself.

Have you considered that maybe he wants you to end the relationship?

In my experience, some men don't want to be the "bad guy" in the relationship as the instigator of a breakup, so they take the approach of treating you like crap in the hope that you'll dump them. To be honest it's usually sheer laziness and a lot will only end a relationship when they've got the next sucker lined up.

Ask yourself this, are you only still together because you've got a child?

Are the things that you love about him specific to him as a person or are they about the future you envisioned for you and your child e.g the three of you sitting beside a Christmas tree opening presents in front of a roaring fire with fairy lights twinkling.

Cheating will ruin everything. Once you're caught, you'll give your partner the right ammunition to continue to treat you like crap cause after all you'll deserve it in his eyes and everyone else's, that's if you stay together and most do... for the kids . If you split, he could tell your child that they reason mummy and daddy aren't together is that mummy is a cheating cow . I've seen it happen and it was horrendous to see the mother alienated from her child and the father acting like he was a saint.

Better to split relatively amicably. That way, it can be explained that it just wasn't working and mummy and daddy will be happier apart.

You've got a lot of years left to live, don't waste them flogging what appears to be a dead horse.

(Surely being homeless and unemployed are bigger concerns than the guy you chose to continue a pregnancy with. Wtf)

@ImHauntingThisPlace

Have you considered that maybe he wants you to end the relationship?

In my experience, some men don't want to be the "bad guy" in the relationship as the instigator of a breakup, so they take the approach of treating you like crap in the hope that you'll dump them. To be honest it's usually sheer laziness and a lot will only end a relationship when they've got the next sucker lined up.

Ask yourself this, are you only still together because you've got a child?

Are the things that you love about him specific to him as a person or are they about the future you envisioned for you and your child e.g the three of you sitting beside a Christmas tree opening presents in front of a roaring fire with fairy lights twinkling.

Cheating will ruin everything. Once you're caught, you'll give your partner the right ammunition to continue to treat you like crap cause after all you'll deserve it in his eyes and everyone else's, that's if you stay together and most do... for the kids . If you split, he could tell your child that they reason mummy and daddy aren't together is that mummy is a cheating cow . I've seen it happen and it was horrendous to see the mother alienated from her child and the father acting like he was a saint.

Better to split relatively amicably. That way, it can be explained that it just wasn't working and mummy and daddy will be happier apart.

You've got a lot of years left to live, don't waste them flogging what appears to be a dead horse.

Unfortunately I think this poster might be right--nobody wants to feel like the bad guy dumping a woman with a small baby, he's checked out and it sounds like he doesn't care either way if you do end it

I can't judge you, and I won't. Apart from venting your frustration I don't get a feel for what you want from us.

Look coldly at your options. Is single parent a better option with such a young child? I don't see an easy route for you, but if you want to make this work I would suggest very small simple steps, basically start with him as if from scratch and both form a new relationship all over again. You're not going to get any progress quickly, but at least it looks like he's not looking for an affair, so that's something!

If you want to part ways then you're going to need to work out how that will get you to where you want to be.

Either way good luck, but don't have an affair with an ex, there's a reason why they're ex, get some fresh meat.

If you can’t cope without sex then you leave. It’s that simple. You don’t cheat.

Please don't cheat, it takes years to co-parent amicably after break up by exit affair. (I speak from experience).