Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My bloody ex is using me isn’t he

31 replies

Sandybeachtowel · 01/09/2021 21:13

Was with ex on and off for two years. We work in the same building, but not department. I see him in passing pretty much five days a week. For a year we didn’t really speak because i called it off because he was stringing me along.
We got chatting one day and I asked him if we could be friends. He said he would like that.

We have been chatting a few times a week. Usually instigated by me.
He will do this weird thing on messenger where he turns his active status off all day but pop it on at 11pm at night and he only chats to me late at night.
I had a big presentation on Monday and he’s not asked me how it went, even though he knew I was nervous about it. He’s kinda blew cold to be honest.
I was hoping we could build up a friendship but to be honest I think I wanted more. I just wanted to see if he wanted it or pushed it.
The fact he doesn’t speak to me during the day and only late at night shows he’s just using me to relieve boredom doesn’t it?
He’s off sick just now with a broken leg and he’s admitted he’s home, bored and watching tv all day….but texts me at 11pm Hmm

I made a decision tonight to not be online at that time and just pack all this in.
How do I handle this? Block and ghost? Have a conversation about it? Just distance myself, I dunno 🤷‍♀️ but it seems he’s not genuine or interested anyway.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 01/09/2021 21:14

Block and ghost
Why do you need to be friends with him anyway?

hamstersarse · 01/09/2021 21:16

I think you are right that you did want more.

Unfortunately he doesn’t seem to want that or, he thinks you don’t (because you told him that)

You’d have nothing to lose by telling him you want more than an 11pm wank

crumpet · 01/09/2021 21:16

Just leave it. You’re spot on - he’s using you.

Loveabitofrain · 01/09/2021 21:16

He doesn’t need his active status on to message you. He likely puts it on to see who else will give him attention (I had an ex do this). I’d not say anything.

Flowers500 · 01/09/2021 21:17

I don't think he's using you as much as just clearly not wanting to date you. Time to move on

Suzi888 · 01/09/2021 21:18

He’s still stringing you along, playing games with his WhatsApp status…. It’s not a true friendship, he’s using you.

You are better than this!!!!!! Flowers

Original poster
Sandybeachtowel · 01/09/2021 21:24

Yeah it’s very obvious and in the past I put up with all this stuff, made excuses for him and accepted that’s what he’s like. But when we were apart I’ve worked on my boundaries and this pisses me off.
It’s like he’s training me to hang around like a bad smell online at that time because he puts his little green light on. And when he doesn’t appear I feel sad and stupid. And when he does he just hangs around for me to talk to him. He always reply’s straight away and doesn’t leave the conversation but always at 11pm.
I just feel like a bloody mug opening the door again and he’s giving me tiny crumbs to feed on.
Im angry. Im also angry at myself.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 01/09/2021 21:32

Well put your green light on, but don’t respond to him. Give him a taste of his own medicine, (yes childish, but may make you feel better tonight!)
If you don’t trust yourself not to respond, then block him!
Honestly, you’ll look back on this one day and think - what a loser!

Unanananana · 01/09/2021 21:35

Block him. Why bother with the drama? He has you on a hook and you are allowing it.

Messaging only late at night is a classic for men with girlfriends/partners/wives. You are worth more than being his sidepiece.

Suprima · 01/09/2021 21:35

@Sandybeachtowel

Yeah it’s very obvious and in the past I put up with all this stuff, made excuses for him and accepted that’s what he’s like. But when we were apart I’ve worked on my boundaries and this pisses me off. It’s like he’s training me to hang around like a bad smell online at that time because he puts his little green light on. And when he doesn’t appear I feel sad and stupid. And when he does he just hangs around for me to talk to him. He always reply’s straight away and doesn’t leave the conversation but always at 11pm. I just feel like a bloody mug opening the door again and he’s giving me tiny crumbs to feed on. Im angry. Im also angry at myself.
So what are you going to do?

Block him ffs, stop letting him live in your head rent-free. It’s pathetic. You don’t need to be friends. You don’t need to stay in touch. You don’t need closure.

Just BLOCK and move on with your life.

NannyOggsward · 01/09/2021 23:11

I wouldn’t block as you work in the same place and it looks like he’s got to you. To be honest he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to date or really invest in a friendship, so this whole active status thing is sort of on you and in your head.

Just stop messaging, if he does reply briefly, politely and distance. Move on!!

Wiredforsound · 01/09/2021 23:22

Is he messaging you after his girlfriend has gone to bed?

TheChip · 01/09/2021 23:30

I dont understand. You asked to be friends, that's it. Now you're upset that he is only talking to you as a friend because you hoped for more. But you didn't tell him you wanted more, just that you wanted to be friends?

I personally don't think he is doing anything wrong here. He hasn't given any sign that he wants more than friends, you even said you're the one starting most of the conversations.

category12 · 01/09/2021 23:55

Yeah, my feeling would be that he's up for chatting after someone else has gone to bed.

The guy's your ex for a reason, he's not your friend, and you surely have better things to do with your time.

Cloudfrost · 02/09/2021 03:56

I agree with @TheChip
he hasnt done anything wrong.

you are the one that broke up with him, then approached him again, then asked to be friends, and instigate conversations.

All he did is agree to be friends with you??
You cant police when friends will reply to your messages, thats unreasonable. For whatever reason he only responds to you aty night, maybe cause he has someone over and thats when she goes to bed, or he just doesnt fancy talking or...he is trying to avoid talking to you that much??? Maybe he was just being polite/kind to agree to being friends with you? maybe he has different expectations of how often communication between friends should be?

He isnt into you, accept it gracioucly instead of accusing him of "using you to alleviate boredom", like wtf, if he was that bored he would talk to you more. He would rather watch Netflix or something all day rather than talk to you!

Its not his fault you wanted more when he gave you zero indications that he felt the same

Monty27 · 02/09/2021 03:59

Don't waste your breath on this guy OP.

Sampafie · 02/09/2021 04:40

@TheChip perfectly said! Flowers

RantyAunty · 02/09/2021 04:49

He's in no way a friend.

Just block him and be done with it.

JustGiveMeGin · 02/09/2021 06:25

I'm not sure he has done anything wrong really. His green light comes on, you message him and he replies straight away.
I think the problem is you definitely want more and because he clearly doesn't you are understandably upset.
Just stop it, he isn't your friend, he is just a work colleague (I assume you are not messaging other colleagues at 11pm!).
If you can't trust yourself block him, if he mentions it just say you are having a clear out on social media and only keeping close friends/family.
I'd be surprised if he even notices.

TubeOfSmarties · 02/09/2021 06:40

I don't think he's using you, I think you are reading far too much into his having had a few conversations with him that you said yourself you have instigated.

Stop stalking his status. There's no need to block him, or to have a conversation about it. Especially if you work together and either thing will make that uncomfortable. Just don't start any more conversations and if he happens to message you, don't start reading into it.

Sakurami · 02/09/2021 06:56

He isn't using you. You asked to be friends but like you said, you want more. I don't police when friends have their status on or when they communicate with me.

Also the fact that he didn't remember to ask how something you were worried about went means that he isn't at all bothered by you or even remember it because he isn't at all invested.

I think the best thing for you is to block him and move on.

Aprilx · 02/09/2021 11:10

I don’t see how he is using you. I mean using you for what exactly? All he does is turn his messenger on at night and chat when you prompt him to do so.

You are disappointed that he doesn’t want any more. Stop messaging him, it is going nowhere.

Original poster
Sandybeachtowel · 02/09/2021 15:38

I think it’s just the fact he doesn’t message me in the day time and only at night that suggests he’s just using me as a means to reduce boredom.
Found out today from someone he was seeing someone, so yeah I think he’s waiting until she’s in bed or he’s alone before hovering around wanting an ego stroke from me.
I’m just not going to message him or go online at night, I’m sure his true intentions will reveal themselves.
I don’t want to be last on someone’s priority list or someone’s side piece.

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 02/09/2021 15:40

He's got no obligation to text you at any time. He's an ex 🤷🏻‍♀️

Flowers500 · 02/09/2021 15:53

He's not using you, you're just messaging him when he's made clear he's not interested. It doesn't even sound like he particularly wants to talk to you

Swipe left for the next trending thread