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Original poster

How Long Would You Give It?

77 replies

ItsPartyThyme · 01/09/2021 16:56

If you were dating someone and last saw them at the weekend and they hadn't been in touch since then, would you write them off or would you still be hopeful they'd get in touch?

OP posts:
layladomino · 02/09/2021 12:18

From your desrcription, he's been doing most of the running. You are intent on testing him and expecting he should message first for some reason. All the things you've said about him also apply to you - if you think his lack of messging means he isn't interested, then he can assume the same about you.

I don't understand your logic, and I can't stand game-playing. Fair enough, if you are always the one to contact first then he's probably not as interested as you, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

And you had arranged a date with someone else. How would you feel if, not only did he not make contact when you thought he should, but you found out he was meeting someone else tomorrow? I'm guessing you wouldn't be happy? except that is what you're doing to him.

There seems to be some serous double standards at play here. And don't blame a previous r'ship - that isn't his fault.

Original poster
ItsPartyThyme · 02/09/2021 12:27

@layladomino
Thanks for your view. Its tricky with OLD, people say you should date multiple people and not invest in anyone until you get some sort of commitment or have an exclusivity chat. Up until now, I have never, ever dated more than one person at once! My usual pattern is dating someone, giving them my all, them leaving and me being upset. I'm trying something new now. We are both still on OLD, he probably is meeting other people! Which obviously, he has every right to do. I just dont want to get hurt or too invested, hence I'm trying to play it cool and not put all my eggs in his basket.

There are different variations of responses here which goes to show it isn't as simple as it seems.

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 02/09/2021 12:31

I understand OP.
You want someone who is keen to see you. Not in an over the top way nor a lukewarm way.

How many times have you actually seen him?

Hope the date with the new guy goes well. You're smart to keep dating until the right one comes along.

layladomino · 02/09/2021 12:37

I can understand that, except you have to expect him to act the same way. So long as you're OK with him playing it cool as well. (In which case, you might never get anywhere).

Is there a middle ground, where you don't 'give it your all' but you don't hold back and date other people too?

Original poster
ItsPartyThyme · 02/09/2021 12:37

@RantyAunty
Thanks! I've seen him around 10 times. Yeah thats exactly it, I dont want fakeness or anything OTT, just him being keen to arrange a next date!

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 02/09/2021 12:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Original poster
ItsPartyThyme · 02/09/2021 12:42

@layladomino
Thats true. Potentially there is a middle ground. I suppose I'm scared about putting myself out there and scaring him away! We haven't even had a "what are we looking for" conversation yet. He could be looking for fun, a casual fling, a relationship, I just dont know. The thought of asking that question fills me with dread Grin

OP posts:
layladomino · 02/09/2021 12:45

@RantyAunty I'm really shocked - those are some really offensive and sexist views?

I much prefer an equal r'ship with someone who respects me as much as I respect them, and we each make an equal effort for the other. Noone should think of themselves as some sort of prize that has to be worked for.

Original poster
ItsPartyThyme · 02/09/2021 23:04

Thought I'd pop in to say I had a lovely date!

We shall see what happens.

OP posts:
OrangeTortoise · 03/09/2021 06:35

Oh good! Keep dating them both and see what happens Smile

Original poster
ItsPartyThyme · 03/09/2021 21:52

Well, I haven't heard from the original guy since I messaged him on Wednesday so I think that's that!

OP posts:
SweetBabyCheeses99 · 03/09/2021 22:22

I’m really pleased that you had a good date last night OP.

I really feel for you with the ghosters. It’s the most awful way to behave and there’s absolutely no excuse for it.

Original poster
ItsPartyThyme · 03/09/2021 22:38

I just dont get it. Why not just say "I'm not feeling this anymore" so then it's done and I'm not sat here wondering?! It really is that simple.

OP posts:
Excelthetube · 03/09/2021 22:58

People are generally cowards. Sadly. I’m sure one day someone will do it to him. And then it might click! And then he won’t do it again.

Sakurami · 04/09/2021 07:01

OP, make sure that when dating it is about you and not about getting them.

It should be fun. You shouldn't need to worry about who is texting and how much. I told the guys that I needed to get to know them with messaging and calling first before meeting them to know if there may be a connection. If they weren't willing then I knew they weren't for me.

Glad you enjoyed your date.

If he messages again, then I'd tell him that this lack of contact makes you feel a bit meh and it isn't for you.

Original poster
ItsPartyThyme · 04/09/2021 10:24

@Sakurami
Thanks, I dont find any of it fun (except from being on the actual date/getting ready for the date) Otherwise, it is just anxiety provoking.

I just overthink everything! I'm now thinking, what if he hasn't contacted me because he thinks I should organise the date, as I suggested what we do. But deep down I know that if he was keen to see me he'd drop me a message!

OP posts:
Funtimedreamer · 04/09/2021 11:10

He would send you a message if keen as he wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about you. You want to be at the forefront of his mind and not an afterthought

billy1966 · 04/09/2021 11:31

Glad you enjoyed your date.

The other fellow is a waster, don't give him another thought.
Flowers

Sakurami · 04/09/2021 16:33

When you're with the right person you don't have to overthink. It just feels right. You don't worry about messaging first or too much or too little because you know they welcome hearing from you. You feel wanted and it is reciprocated. The reason why you're probably feeling so anxious is because you feel it's off.

But also, don't be afraid to be you and don't invest until you know it is right.

I have my personality and I am chatty. Not everyone is going to like that and that is fine. There are many people out there and we are all different.

Original poster
ItsPartyThyme · 04/09/2021 17:08

@Sakurami
Thank you. I just dont know where I'm going wrong really, I've met many, many people and it always goes wrong! I think I'm quite funny and good to be around, I get along well with friends, family, colleagues etc. I feel like I must be doing "something" wrong, either that or I am the unluckiest person alive!

I do struggle with investing too quickly. I dont know why, I have a job, hobbies, interests, my own life etc and I dont change them for anyone. But I still allow myself to keep getting hurt. The hurt is short lived but it's still bloody frustrating.

I haven't heard from the main guy since I messaged in the week. He seemed keen to meet up and I really didn't expect him to ghost me. I won't be contacting him again.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 04/09/2021 17:49

Oh definitely don't message again and if he does just say you are busy if you do wish to reply.

Tlollj · 04/09/2021 18:01

Oooh maybe the second one will turn out to be a good one. Same sort thing when you don’t want to go to a particular party but you have a great time.
Good luck

Original poster
ItsPartyThyme · 04/09/2021 18:07

Haha yes that's what I thought, usually when you don't want to go somewhere you have a better time!

He still hasn't asked for my number though, we are still chatting on the app... He messaged once yesterday and I haven't heard from him since. He did say he wanted to see me again so maybe I should be less pessimistic!

OP posts:
bangheadhere40 · 05/09/2021 07:47

Cowards, and don't want to say that incase they want to return later.

Crumpets123 · 05/09/2021 12:54

Dating can be such a frustrating mind fuck can't it!! I do really feel for you as I have been in the same position many times too. I agree with what others have said that when it is the right person you won't have this anxiety and it will be easy!! You deserve someone who makes it clear they are interested in you! Don't waste your time chasing people because it only prolongs the inevitable anyway xx

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