How Long Would You Give It?

[ItsPartyThyme]

If you were dating someone and last saw them at the weekend and they hadn't been in touch since then, would you write them off or would you still be hopeful they'd get in touch?

On WhatsApp, just one tick but I can see his profile photo.

^ so his phone is off or out of coverage

Ah well, at least I tried!

I'm normally REALLY sceptical about this, and agree with gut instinct if someone has backed off or changed communication patterns.... but this does sound like the guy may have lost his phone?

I just think surely if he had lost his phone he would be able to get in touch another way? He knows my surname so could FB me.

I cant trust my gut anymore, with men its always negative!

Ah sorry Op
At least you tried. I sort of agree, he may have lost His phone. But there are other ways to contact you.
Don’t take it as a slight, not continuing dating someone you’ve probably only met a handful of times isn’t the same as what your partner of 4 years did.

Have you ever properly dealt with what happened to you?

I have spoken to someone about. I continue to speak about it really, I have another therapy session tomorrow. We understandably focus on me now, not my ex and what he did. Its a hard thing to get over!

@ItsPartyThyme

I just think surely if he had lost his phone he would be able to get in touch another way? He knows my surname so could FB me.

I cant trust my gut anymore, with men its always negative!

Definitely. If he wanted to, he would.

Do you want a relationship, OP? I get a lot of flack for this- but don’t sleep with men before commitment. They can please you, if they’re lucky- but no more. Those who are just after sex won’t be able to last more than 2 months and they’ll nope themselves out.

Obviously, a nice bloke who you move fast with who wants you won’t let it put him off, and things may still progress to a relationship- but there are so many chancers out there obsessed with the chase. Don’t share your body with them and waste your precious time with those who only want one thing.

I know it is so hard, particularly if they are sexy and alcohol is involved- but maybe try it in your next round of dating, just as a social experiment if you think I am being very regressive

If he hasn’t brought up exclusivity within about 2 months- he’s not into you. He wouldn’t want anyone else to snap you up!

(Obviously if you just want fun and something casual- disregard everything I am saying.)

Any updates Thyme?

Ah ok op. Well forwards!! Onwards and upwards etc.
But it’s not you! And you haven’t caused this pattern. And I hope you don’t think it is.

This guy is a dick. But not a lot you can do about dick heads

Thanks Suprima, the tricky thing is I don't really know what I want. I think I definitely want something that will form into a relationship and I do want commitment and exclusivity. I do see what you mean and I agree! I battle between doing what feels right in the moment and waiting for more of an emotional connection. It's exhausting as I'm always internally battling!

Hi OP 💐... I’d second Suprimas comments to you - when men are really sincerely into you they will be quite happy just to spend time going out for drinks and getting to know you as they will be fascinated by you...hold off sleeping together for atleast the first month or even better two and it will be obv if they are invested in you. Old fashioned I know! And your instincts were right about this guy, it sounds like he lost interest once he’d got his oats so in a weird way you should feel good you clocked it for what it was, although it’s always disappointing 😣.. when I look at most of friends long term relationships and mine the men really chased them at the start, and to be honest I think that’s how it works. If you feel that’s not really happening at the start sack it off ! Men will always take up the opportunity for sex whether they are that into you or not .. I think you’re actually really switched on from your posts 😀so just keep with the dates, you’ll get that special spark with a sincere guy and it will just feel right and natural xx

Did you hear back from him? One tick usually means no signal if you can still see his profile pic x

So because he doesn't have signal for a few hours you are just giving up on him? That, plus the fact you've already arranged a date with another guy, suggests you're not that interested in him

I have vast experience of OLD as have my friends 😂 if a guy is interested they won’t leave it days to text you - in case you get snapped up! If you initiate they might go out if bored or for sex etc I find on this site you’re encouraged to initiate a lot so you’re not a 1950s housewife 🙄 I’ve never seen success though from that approach. Absolutely, equal bill splitting and initiating when you’re an item but those early dates - no. If he’s interested he will put in the effort I promise!

User, no, his lack of contact was the reason I was "giving up" on him. I obviously am interested in him or I wouldn't be wasting my time posting here. I arranged a date with a new man because at this early stage I dont think its wise to put all my eggs in one basket. FWIW I really dont want to go on this date but feel I should.

Queen - I totally agree with you, I also have vast OLD experience and my approach of initiating, making an effort, planning things etc has never worked in the past! That's why I've been trying a new approach with this chap and let him initiate, plan etc.

Anyway. He did reply. There has been some miscommunication and he assumed we were meeting tonight. I said I couldn't do tonight. (It had not been agreed at all) We have agreed to meet up again but no date confirmed yet. I will not be initiating again! If he likes me he will get in touch and settle on a date, if he doesn't then he won't.

@ItsPartyThyme OLD dating is the worst isn’t it? I know what you mean by it being exhausting! Absolutely go on the date you had planned with the other man. If the non texting man thought you were meant to meet up tonight, why has he not confirmed? I think that level of poor communication would annoy me long term for sure! I would expect better after a month of seeing each other.

Agree with glitter if he was keen surely he would have text ‘still on for tonight’ or made some plans. I used to bin those ones too much angst!

@Glitterb
Yep! It's rubbish. All seems like such a waste of time but also the main way of meeting someone!
I think that's hit the nail on the head, I think he is just a shit communicator. That probably doesn't gel well with me, I am a massive worrier when it comes to dating, clearly

@queenofsupreme
I agree! I wouldn't know whether he'd have texted today to confirm or not. He seems much more secure than me, he would just assume that its on unless told otherwise and would call the night we were meeting. I'll wait and see, I do really like him. He is proper chilled, I think too chilled for me but I do want to give it a chance.

The issue with a chilled guy ( if that’s what it is) is that they don’t take the initiative. So you’ll always be pushing and waiting to move the relationship forward - moving in, marriage, kids etc . Personally, I can’t be bothered with that level of effort esp as you hit your 30s

Thats true. I think I'll continue getting to know him while being cautious and continuing to meet other people. All I know is that I won't be initiating again and I'll be waiting to see whether he arranges this date and puts a date in the calendar.

@Genevie82
Thanks for your post. I agree, I just want to meet someone and have it feel natural and easy, instead of this constant uneasiness, overthinking and anxiety. Dating is supposed to be enjoyable and none of it is

@Genevie82

Hi OP 💐... I’d second Suprimas comments to you - when men are really sincerely into you they will be quite happy just to spend time going out for drinks and getting to know you as they will be fascinated by you...hold off sleeping together for atleast the first month or even better two and it will be obv if they are invested in you. Old fashioned I know! And your instincts were right about this guy, it sounds like he lost interest once he’d got his oats so in a weird way you should feel good you clocked it for what it was, although it’s always disappointing 😣.. when I look at most of friends long term relationships and mine the men really chased them at the start, and to be honest I think that’s how it works. If you feel that’s not really happening at the start sack it off ! Men will always take up the opportunity for sex whether they are that into you or not .. I think you’re actually really switched on from your posts 😀so just keep with the dates, you’ll get that special spark with a sincere guy and it will just feel right and natural xx

Great post and on the money IMO.

Chilled is great, but not if it turns out he is lazy/passive.

I love the expression "when a man is into you, you know, when he's not, you're confused".
Words to live by.

You sound clued in OP.

Put yourself first in every OLD situation.
Be ruthless!

@billy1966
Those words are very true! Sometimes i worry I can't trust myself and I worry in case I am projecting my past relationship/experiences onto new people. It's so hard. Some people meet someone so effortlessly! Incidentally, the one person I have felt it was so natural and easy with was the person I ended up living with who was an abusive arsehole.

We'll see about this date tonight. I have 0 expectations so hopefully that'll mean I'll have fun