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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you be mad? Is it me?

57 replies

Cantspeakpublic · 01/09/2021 13:17

The below is what has happened today but it’s not just about today but it is an example of what is constantly happening between me and my Dh.
Long story short- car has been causing me anxiety as the engine keeps losing power- had two scary situations where I thought I may have a car crash!
Husbands answer to this is it hasn’t happened to him and that it’s the way I’m driving.
My defence - I have had the car for 5 years and only noticed this for the past 5 months.
Anyway car goes to the garage today and guess what?! They ring to say we need to get rid of the car as the engine is failing.
Exactly what I have been saying.
I’m fuming as I feel he never once considered I may be right.
He can’t understand this and why I can’t see his point of view.
My head os scrambled. Any advice?

OP posts:
mbosnz · 01/09/2021 13:20

Um, given he's been singularly unwilling to hear, respect, and address your concerns, why the hell would you be bothering to see his point of view - which was wrong?

Can he now acknowledge that you were correct in your concerns about the car, and apologise for not listening to you, and dismissing your concerns?

Anordinarymum · 01/09/2021 13:24

@Cantspeakpublic

The below is what has happened today but it’s not just about today but it is an example of what is constantly happening between me and my Dh. Long story short- car has been causing me anxiety as the engine keeps losing power- had two scary situations where I thought I may have a car crash! Husbands answer to this is it hasn’t happened to him and that it’s the way I’m driving. My defence - I have had the car for 5 years and only noticed this for the past 5 months. Anyway car goes to the garage today and guess what?! They ring to say we need to get rid of the car as the engine is failing. Exactly what I have been saying. I’m fuming as I feel he never once considered I may be right. He can’t understand this and why I can’t see his point of view. My head os scrambled. Any advice?
He thinks there is a pecking order and you are at the bottom of it?
Newestname001 · 01/09/2021 13:25

@Cantspeakpublic

Glad you took the initiative to get the car professionally checked, OP. Thank goodness nothing happened to you whilst you were driving this car with a defective engine.

I wonder if your partner is as dismissive of you in other areas of your life? 🌹

Original poster
Cantspeakpublic · 01/09/2021 13:26

Not really no - tried to talk about how he had listened to me but I told him that was in true and that he was gaslighting me. He scoffed that was rubbish.
He always responds that why for it have to be my way and why can’t I listen to his point of view.
I responded that I did as we discussed about changing gear and that I asked his advice etc but then said I still felt something bigger was going on.
I said that he has two scenarios 1 that it was my driving and 2 that the car had lost a bit of power but was mainly due to a heavy load and my driving. He never had option 3 that something may be wrong and that in effect I was right.
I said this is what he does all the time. Dismisses me.

OP posts:
LastGirlSanding · 01/09/2021 13:34

Well listening to his ‘point of view’ seems to be him deciding what’s right and for you to go along with it. It’s pretty fucked up his first thought wasn’t remorse and concern that you (or him!) could have had a serious accident.

Miniroofbox · 01/09/2021 13:35

Why didn’t you book the car in months ago? I don’t understand?

Original poster
Cantspeakpublic · 01/09/2021 13:42

I didn’t book it in as I thought it may be my driving…
It’s gone for it’s mot today and they picked it up..

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantspeakpublic · 01/09/2021 13:46

The garage are not saying it’s a death trap but that it has a problem and we need to replace the car due to it. But can still drive it

OP posts:
elizabethdraper · 01/09/2021 13:47

Why didnt you take it the garage after the first time it happened ?

this is the weirdest part to me

in my house the convo would have gone like thi
Me: car lost power, scary shit. taking it in to the garage to be checked

Him: probably your driving haha

Me: Meh! better safe than sorry

Me: I was right haha you owe me dinner

Sssloou · 01/09/2021 13:58

It’s a horrible feeling being dismissed - it does scramble your head.

It’s v disrespectful and frustrating.

The issue is not to put yourself in a position where you need his opinion to validate your feelings or choices - trust your own judgement and then take action. Don’t wait for his approval or agreement.

What would happen if you did this?

Keep a log of these behaviours.

At some calm point sit down and tell him calmly how you feel when he does x (give specific examples) - tell him how you wish him to behave and what the consequences are if this continues.

I suspect that having that conversation will have the twisting, slithering, childish defensive behaviour - at this point I would tell him what he is doing now - ask if he is capable or wants to engage in adult resolution and if not just get up and walk away.

SpanielRadcliffe · 01/09/2021 14:03

In this situation, I would make up the most irritating song possible and dance around the house singing it. Let's say your husband's name is Eustace - you can sing a "Eustace was wrong!" song. No other lyrics needed unless you want; it's sufficient just to repeat the one line over and over, or add a few rounds of "I was right and you were wrong!"

If you have children or pets, make them DIY "Eustace was wrong!" T-shirts or hats, and teach them to sing and bark/meow/etc. along.

Next time he disagrees with you in a rude way, start singing "Eustace is wrong!" and "I'm right and you're wrong!" immediately. Sing it loudly every time he says something inappropriate. And then do what you know is the right thing to do and ignore him if he can't have a sensible conversation.

Miniroofbox · 01/09/2021 14:15

@elizabethdraper

Why didnt you take it the garage after the first time it happened ?

this is the weirdest part to me

in my house the convo would have gone like thi
Me: car lost power, scary shit. taking it in to the garage to be checked

Him: probably your driving haha

Me: Meh! better safe than sorry

Me: I was right haha you owe me dinner

Yup. That’s what I would have done.

Why did you need his permission op?

I’m a single parent. I don’t have a bloke to ask. If my car isn’t running right then I take it to the mechanic?

Shoxfordian · 01/09/2021 14:17

He’s undermined your confidence in yourself
Don’t stay with him, he has no respect for you

PepsiHoover · 01/09/2021 14:22

In your DH's defence, if my DH told me something was wrong with the car I would wonder WTF he was telling me. I'm not a mechanic. I would suspect he was trying to fob the problem onto me and leave it for me to deal with.

If I think there is something wrong with my car, I take it to the garage myself without having to consult the other adult in the house. I don't understand why you didn't do that in the first place.

Secondly, we used to have a turbo diesel car and the engine management light came on everytime it did a short/slow journey. So of course when DH took it down the dual carriageway it was fine, but when I did the school run it was beeping like mad. But again, I noticed the problem, I took it to the garage and was advised to only drive very fast in it. Or use the smaller and therefore uselesspetrol car for the school run.

HollowTalk · 01/09/2021 15:02

He's completely dismissed your thoughts and blamed you for a car being faulty. Is he always so disrespectful?

Original poster
Cantspeakpublic · 01/09/2021 16:25

It’s hard to explain but it does help when you change gears at a certain time and so I was open to thinking it may be me and modified my driving and knew the mot was Coming up and avoided fast roads as this is where the problem and danger lay..
I did however have to go on a moterway and even though I tried had another scary experience so did come back and say no I think there is something with the car.
I still wasn’t heard but again knew the mot was coming the following week and I would not be on a fast road.

Today I feel a mixture of sadness that it has come to this, delight that I am right, anger at not being taken seriously and that a man / mechanic has been the one to make him listen.
He has tried to apologise for doubting me but I can’t hear it at the moment.

OP posts:
Excelthetube · 01/09/2021 16:33

He sounds like a prick
Honestly. It just sounds like he neither cares what you say or think and he can’t even be bothered to hide it.

If this was a one off maybe forgivable but honestly, I can’t imagine someone purposefully in their head rather think the person they love was a shit driver than their might actually be a problem.
He thinks your shit full stop

Original poster
Cantspeakpublic · 01/09/2021 16:38

He wasn’t saying it a nasty way but said he had noticed I changed gears at not quite the right time etc we discussed gears and I could see what he was saying..
But I also said I did t think it was that and how come it didn’t happen before as I haven’t changed my driving.. no answers

OP posts:
suggestionsplease1 · 01/09/2021 16:45

I guess if it was a very serious issue wouldn't it have failed the MOT and you wouldn't be allowed to drive it away? But there's different types of fails now aren't there? Was it the fail where it still has to be fixed before MOT expires but you can drive away to get different quotes for repairs? Hope you get sorted or can replace.

Original poster
Cantspeakpublic · 01/09/2021 16:51

Yes I agree above,thanks. It’s just more being heard from a mechanic and not means this being the case with most things it’s just another example

OP posts:
freeatlast2021 · 01/09/2021 16:58

Oh dear OP, this exact thing happened to me twenty years ago. We had a car that my husband drove and I did not have drivers license. When I started learning I asked if we can get an automatic (the other one was manual) and my husband "bought me" this cheep, old, banged up car. I did not mind it at the time, did not want to spend too much money on it myself and liked that it was so small. I actually learned how to drive on it and got my license. Soon after I started having issues with it where if I stop in the intersection, often when turning left, the car would stop. This happened quite a few times to me and it was so scary as I would sometimes have my babies in the car with me. Every time I would complain my husband would say, "I do not know what you are talking about, this never happens to me". I have no idea what he meant with that. Did he think I was making it up? But he definitely was not taking it seriously. Car was never taken to the mechanic. In the end I insisted we replaced it, which we did.

Fast forward 20 odd years, I finally decided to separate from him and this example is just one of many where I felt, unheard, undervalued, ridiculed and unrespected. I know it may seem like nothing but it definitely did not feel like nothing. I totally understand how you feel.

Original poster
Cantspeakpublic · 01/09/2021 17:01

Thank you, what hurts is my dad was and is the same too

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantspeakpublic · 01/09/2021 17:03

I feel validated the mechanic picked it up. I bet at the time you would have felt the same!

OP posts:
Slub · 01/09/2021 17:04

How did the MOT guy pick up on an engine fault that only occurs when the car is being driven fast? IME the car is stationary during the MOT and they are checking brakes/lights/seatbelts/exhaust emissions etc , they don't check the engine.

Original poster
Cantspeakpublic · 01/09/2021 17:12

Lol slub. I’m not a mechanic but yes they reported back about the engine and that it had faults was worn etc and we need to replace the car. I can’t give you the details but it is a trusted mechanic and we hadn’t asked him to look at it so a bit co incidental he picked up on it..

OP posts:
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